A Twisted Sense of Funny

A Twisted Sense of Things

2010-10-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

A Twisted Sense of Government.

A Twisted Sense of Dating.

A Twisted Sense of Religion.

Scroll down for the latest on this site, as this will be the permanent top post.

On Dating Smart Chicks

2010-09-09T20:20:00.000-07:00

I came across an article today entitled "Does This Law Degree Make My A$$ Look Fat?" (and yes, I changed those s's to dollar signs to avoid porn-spam on my blog) and it made me think.

No, really. I thought about stuff. And then I thought about guns and zombies and airplanes and forgot all about this article until just now.

And what, you may ask, did I think about? Well, it goes something like this: I'm thinking of doing a multi-stage blog (read: spread out over several weeks) on the topic of dating. You see, I'm getting married in two weeks, and as such, I'm basically an expert on the subject. How so? Because I won.

It's like struggling for years and years to win the Super Bowl and then finally achieving that goal; it allows one to kick back, go to Disneyland, and and write a book about how I achieved success. Oh and I get a shiny ring, too!

So starting next week some time I will debut "A Twisted Sense of Dating." Possibly on another blog or possibly on this one; it depends on who bids higher or sends me more truck-loads of cash.

Oh but back to the linked article, it made me remember a lot of things that I have learned through the years (and years, and years, and years...) of being single and how both men and women are screwed up. But not only that, how incorrect most dating "experts" are when analyzing the realities of what constitutes the never-ending search-to-not-be-alone in today's society.

So stay tuned, 'cause I'm sure it will be a riot. If you're married it will probably make you happy you are, and if you're not...well, I'm not liable for what you do to yourself because I don't even use my real name on this site. Convenient, isn't it?

Pick-up Lines: A Review

2010-09-04T18:48:00.001-07:00

Yahoo posted up this article with the statement that it containes pick-up lines that "work." I am, to put it mildly, highly skeptical. Let's have a look at what they have, shall we?

From a stand up comedian I've never heard of: "I’ll stare at people until they notice me and say, ‘What are you looking at?’ and it totally works in terms of breaking the ice."

You know what else that works for accomplishing? Getting a restraining order, or punched in the face. I have to be honest, I liked neither of those when I got...er, I mean from the people I know, both are painful. Or so I've heard.

From a celebrity hairdresser (right, because they are clearly experts):"Being casual and friendly goes a long way towards establishing trust with someone. Also, use the fact that everyone has an image or fantasy of who they are inside. Tell the person he or she reminds you of a certain celebrity and maybe continue the conversation by asking, ‘If you could be any celebrity, who would it be?’ You’d be surprised by some of the answers you might get!"

Being casual and friendly is the fastest possible route to the "friend zone." Ever been there? It's not a place where hope's and dreams are made, I can tell you. And if you really think you want to know what the average person has for a "fantasy of who they are inside," then you are just asking for a walk down Crazy Lane. I'm sure I would be surprised by some of the answers I got, but only because the average person's detached view of reality never ceases to amaze me.

From "Carrie"(?): "Do something crazy with your girlfriends. My friends and I used to play a game where one of us would go up to a guy the other thought was cute and say, ‘My friend over there is psychic and we can prove it.’ We had a whole system worked out, but the guys would go along because they’re always up for an outrageous story.”

News flash for guys who run into these girls: Anyone claiming, even as a joke, to be "psychic" should be avoided at all costs. This includes running away screaming at the mention of said "system" and, if necessary, setting yourself on fire to avoid further conversation. It will be less painful than the alternative.

From the owner of Brooklyn At! clothing (I totally shop there all the time): "Treat the person you want to talk to as a human being -- as opposed to someone you just want to pick up."

Hey, Danny? If you're not even going to try, then just go sit in the corner. You're banned from giving more advice.

The next quote is from the former ambassador to South Korea. Do we really send people with awesome pick-up skills to talk to South Koreans? You know the answer to that one. Next!

Dr. (riiiight) Joy Brown, clinical psychologist: "Pick something in the environment around you that you can comment on; for example, say, ‘Isn’t that the ugliest painting you ever saw?’"

This one actually has potential. Like this one time when I was at the zoo, there was a really attractive girl next to me at one of the cages. I shouted "hey, that's how baby monkeys are made! Woo hoo!!" She then flashed me a look that was clearly one of attraction. Or abject horror. Either way we are getting married this month, and it has much more to do with primate procreation than it does with any of the roofies I slipped her, I can assure you.

There is one more suggestion from a writer for the New York Post, but I don't read it and have my doubts as to the true existence of this place they call "New York" anyway. So I'm not including that one, but instead will just rant on for a few more minutes about how bad the last Indiana Jones was. Yes, I know it's completely unrelated, but seriously... did you see that movie? They couldn't leave well-enough alone, could they? Nooooooo. Just had to go and ruin the perfect trilogy. Sure glad George Lucas made out like a bandit on that hunk of poo. I'm not at all bitter at him for it.

The moral of the story is that the first three Indiana Jones movies are way, way cooler than trying to pick up girls in public places. That's why I chose eBay for my meeting ground. One can bid...er, talk to the type of girl they want without a hint of pressure. I highly recommend it for anyone who is scared so bad they pee their pants like me when talking to strangers. I guess I never got over the fact that Blinky the Clown said it was a bad thing to do.

I Wish I Had Something to Add to This, But...

2010-09-03T15:51:00.000-07:00

I don't. It stands by itself with no commentary from me needed. "Why me??"

There's Wrong, and Then There's...Really Wrong

2010-09-02T20:40:00.000-07:00

And anyone who wants to ban boobies.... well, you know where you stand.

After reading the story, even the soon-to-be-Mrs-Twisted was appalled at the political correctness of banning the "I love boobies" bracelets. I'm pretty sure this is rampage-inducing ridiculousness at its best, here. Bring back the boobies!!!

What's next, banning swing sets on playgrounds? Oh wait....

You know what it's called if your kid gets hurt on a swing set or is offended by the word boobies? LIFE.

Headline of the Day

2010-09-02T15:08:00.001-07:00

Hey, uhh.... dude? You should probably just stay down in the hole.

Operation What?

2010-09-02T07:42:00.000-07:00

Remember that scene in Die Hard when Alan Rickman tells the FBI that he wants several members of the "Asian Dawn Movement" freed before he will release hostages, and Alexander Gudonov acts confused about it, only to have Rickman admit he pulled it from Time Magazine?

I kind of get that feeling with the new name for operations in Iraq, and whoever it is came up with it. That's the best they could come up with? I feel sorry for the guys who now have to put that on their resume.

And don't pretend you didn't know exactly what scene I'm talking about from Die Hard,'cause I know you've seen it 58 times like I have, and still watch it when it comes on FX.

Result of Taking Discovery Channel Hostages: DRT

2010-09-01T20:21:00.000-07:00

And what, you may ask, does DRT stand for? Dead Right There.

Is it wrong for me to giggle about this story? Should I be upset because a guy who watched Avatar and An Inconvenient Lie too many times decides that he should martyr himself for all the world to see? I'm guessing he wanted to go be with the Na'vi.

C'mon, you know you want to laugh about it. The guy wanted to rid the planet of human pollution and, well.... he did his part, at least.

I'm Back!

2010-08-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been out of the blogging thing for a while, but not away from writing. You see, I've been working on a book. Yup, that's right; a whole book's worth of material from my odd perspective.

Will it sell? Will it even get published? Only time will tell, as it is in "proposal" stage right now. Hopefully I can find some publisher to take pity on me and spread my words. Hey, a guy can dream, right?

Starting now I am going to hopefully begin blogging more here and at (possibly) another site I have planned. I will update here as often as I can.

America: A History of Us (Review)

2010-05-31T19:17:00.001-07:00

I am currently watching the mini-series finale of the History Channel show "America: A History of Us" (and jumping back to the Stanley Cup Finals during commercials).

I have seen most of the series, only missing out on portions of it, and for the most part it has been pretty well done. However, as par for the course on everything the History Channel does these days, there are a few things that could have been changed to make this a lot better series.

Example one was just flashed on the screen as I type this: people like Michael Douglas giving interviews about the historical importance of given events. Why do I care what Michael Douglas has to say? A few minutes ago the comedian Margaret Cho was giving her accounting of how important the '60s were. What possible reason would I have for listening to her words? Based on most commentary I have heard from her over the years, she could very well be legally retarded.

Other notables include former NFL star Michael Strahan, the intellectually stimulating Al Sharpton, Meryl Streep, and one of the stars of the reality show "Pawn Stars." These voices are heard ad nauseum for commentary on everything from the Revolutionary War to Vietnam and the moon landing.

There have been a few exceptions; I have seen General David Patraeus interviewed, as well. Guess how many times? Twice, as far as I've seen. Yet when the topic of the show is the Vietnam war, apparently news anchor Brian Williams is considered more of an expert than a man who many consider to be one of the greatest military minds in the world.

This is the point we have come to in America; the "story of us" is that we care more about what a Hollywood celebrity has to say than a subject matter expert -- not just on normal television, but on a channel claiming to be devoted to historical knowledge, as well.

Though I think I understand why History Channel would choose to go this route (ratings, anyone?), there should be a point where producers make a decision regarding the direction of their network. And I am pretty sure that point came several years before shows like "Ice Road Truckers" were given the green light on a network that used to run documentaries on, get this, historical topics. A crazy idea, to be sure.

We are at the point in the show now where they are talking about the explosion of technology surrounding personal computers, which gives an opportunity to show some wicked-cool 80's hair styles. This transitions into footage from 9/11 and the reflection of thoughts regarding that event and its effects on the country.

Overall, like I said, the show has been pretty good. One of the reasons I have enjoyed it is brought to mind now watching the 9/11 footage -- they have completely ignored ridiculous conspiracy theories. This is reassuring and gives hope that the History Chanel has not completely jumped the shark in whoring itself for ratings. Granted, they are now giving air time to designer Vera Wang for thoughts on post-9/11 New York, but hey, we can't win 'em all.

The major theme of the show, America's character, is readdressed with the closing segment. I second the notion that it is the character of this country that makes us great, but would finish by positing a question that I briefly touched on earlier: if there is a significant portion of this country that gives more credit to celebrity than it does to accomplishment, then how is our character defined now? Something to consider, especially given the current political climate.

Regardless of your answer, it is clear that a significant portion of the population differs greatly from however you feel. Which is great, considering debate is how the country started. Just beware of those who say we need to "put differences behind us" and that the "time for debate is over." Usually the only time everyone agrees, it's called a mob.

Movie Review: Inglorious Basterds

2010-05-04T23:08:00.000-07:00

Message to Quintin Tarantino: GET TO THE POINT!

Holy cow, this movie just goes on, and on, and on, and on... and on. I think Tarantino has become so infatuated with his dialogue writing that he makes each scene about 15 minutes long, which is about 14 minutes longer than it needs to be.

For all the boredom, Brad Pitt turns in an impressive performance and is the main focus of the only parts of the movie worth watching. Other than that... It's a really slow movie that makes up for it's turtle-like pace by having absolutely nothing happen for most of the movie. Yee-haw.

In other words, I would skip it in favor of watching a caterpillar cocoon itself and turn into a butterfly.

Hey Man, You're Not Helping

2010-04-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

When I see pictures like this one, it's really, really hard to get on board with the Tea Party people.

Apparently this guy showed up in Washington D.C. today for the protests involving Second Amendment rights dressed in...well, whatever that is... Dude, whatever it is that you are trying to accomplish, I think it would be better for everyone involved if you just headed back to your mom's basement so you can level-up on Call of Duty. Leave the political debate to everyone at the "adult table."

Hey, I'm as pro-gun as anyone out there. But there is a limit, and for me it's called "logical reasoning." And whatever it is that this guy is supposed to be... I would like to state for the record that I am in no way associated with it.

What do you want to be that he was at one point ruled "unfit for service" when he tried to join the military? Guys like this give any cause a bad name, but it is especially disconcerting when it happens to be one that I agree with.

Why I Didn't Re-enlist

2010-03-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

While in Iraq, I wrote a letter that I had planned on giving to my chain-of-command were I ever sat down and given a speech about why I should re-enlist. This story a friend just clued me in to reminded me of that letter.

CPT Myer -- the soldier mentioned in the story -- may very well have done wrong; I was not there and cannot be the judge of whether he did or not. My argument is not whether he did or did not deserve a reprimand, but rather that there are incredible disregards for soldiering nearly every day in the Army in other forms that continue to be allowed while guys like this receive severe disciplinary action.

So in that vain, I post here for public viewing my letter entitled "Why I Will Not Re-enlist."

Why I will not Re-enlist: A statement of integrity

To whom it may concern;

First, please allow me to say that it has been an honor to serve in the United States Army. I have learned a great deal about life, myself, and my country in the time that I have worn this uniform. And I feel that it must be noted here that I in no way consider our actions as a military “unjust” in regards to our efforts in the current fight, or in those past.

Second, let me assure you that I am not a whiny PFC (or lower enlisted at all, for that matter) who thinks that the Army “has it out for me.” I have worn three different colors of beret for this Army; I made E-5 in 2 ½ years as an infantryman with a tan beret on my head; I’ve consistently scored above 90% on APFTs (even when rousted out of bed at 0330 to take them without prior knowledge); as I did not join the Army until the age of 28 – and spent more time in the civilian sector after my active duty time – I bring a very diverse amount of knowledge regarding different occupational specialties; I have had zero negative counseling, nor have I ever been reprimanded in any way; I have received nothing but praise from superiors my entire time in uniform. My only “failures” in the military were when I went above and beyond the normal call (e.g. R.I.P. and SFAS), and one of those failures was due to a serious injury. Does this sound arrogant? Possibly, but it is all 100% true, and it is meant to prove a point – that I have the background, experience, and intelligence needed to make a valid argument not tainted by emotion or thoughts that the Army has “screwed me over.”

Simply put, I know what right looks like. And this, my fellow soldiers, is not it.
In my time with Psychological Operations – starting in January of 2008 – and since deploying to Iraq, I have seen what can only be described as a blatant disregard for standards and an egregious abuse of integrity; not only in my unit, but everywhere around me.

Consider if you will what is at the base of every soldier’s personal skill-set – their physical fitness. This is a standard the Army has adopted for very specific – as well as logical – reasons. And while the standards certainly need updating, they need to be made harder; not what we are currently seeing. Yet my experience in Iraq has shown more pencil-whipped scores and “adjusted” stop-watch times than I can count.

The truly sad part of this abuse of the standards is that, generally speaking, it is not done to prevent a soldier from being pushed out of the Army, but rather to promote them to a higher rank. In my own company, there are way too many cases of this occurring. We have soldiers who consistently fail at common tasks (APFT being but a single example) and then, through much struggle, finally bring themselves to within a hair’s breadth of the standard, receive praise for their “improvement,” and are subsequently pushed through for promotion. By what I have seen at the chow halls here on COB Speicher, I could wager a very large sum of my paycheck on mine not being the only company like this.

To say that this is an insult to those soldiers who excel at these tasks is a vast understatement; it is undermining the exact values which exist in those who do well and praising complacency and mediocrity in its place. This is a methodology of leadership which I can no longer turn my head from and ignore. I see too many good soldiers suffer because they have always been good at what they do; they have responsibility heaped upon them as those who are sub-standard enjoy praise for their “improvements” while being coddled and led by the hand in every task they attempt to complete. Please do not misunderstand me, I fully realize and appreciate that there will always be under-achievers in the ranks; my frustration lies in the simple fact that these people are not only treated well, but are generally promoted as fast or faster than their peers.

We operate in an Army with Sergeants Major who believe it is more important to have soldiers wear glow-belts than it is for them to have situational awareness and watch out for cars; that it is better to correct soldiers for having sunglasses on their head than it is to tell a soldier they are too fat for their uniform; where drinking alcohol in theater is most likely punished by losing rank and money, yet negligent discharges are swept under the rug; a place where a private can be trusted to go outside the wire driving an $800,00 MRAP with a .50 cal mounted on top, but, heaven forbid we allow him to have a Playboy magazine.

The inconsistencies are obvious to anyone but the most oblivious. Some – such as the growing obesity problem and negligent discharges – are downright dangerous to all those in close proximity of the soldier in question. And yet, these offenses continue to go largely unpunished.

What is truly unsettling is that, although I could provide specific examples of these analogies, none are needed because we all know it is true. Everyone reading this can think of numerous cases like these, and may even know the specific ones to which I refer. And that is the problem; the NCO and Officer Corps have largely ignored the issue in favor of not hurting anyone’s feelings, not rocking the boat, or simply wanting more promotions to put on their NCOER or OER. I stood less than an arm’s length away from my Company 1SG when he stated that he would consider himself a “failure” if every one of his soldiers did not come back from the deployment at least one rank higher. Ensuring his soldiers were capable of doing their job was not part of his pass/fail criteria, apparently.

This is an attitude and leadership philosophy I can neither be a part of nor endorse; it breeds contempt, complacency, and sucks the motivation away from even the best soldiers. It does so because it places more importance on increasing rank than it does on meeting or surpassing the standards of good soldiering. It does so because, simply put – and as mentioned above – it rewards complacency and mediocrity. It tells the soldiers who are doing the right thing that their efforts are in vein because they are not needed to succeed or advance in rank. I will not stand by and watch another kid who can’t run, can’t do pushups, can’t shoot, can’t communicate effectively either by radio or face to face, and has spent a whopping one year of actual time wearing the uniform get promoted into the ranks of the Non Commissioned Officer.

So, it is with this statement that I respectfully decline all reenlistment options, and hope that better men than I can influence the Army in the right way for future generations. There are a number of good soldiers out there. They need to be treated accordingly, because if they’re not, they will leave for the same reasons that this one is: I’m tired of every single day being a slap in the face to those who should be valued higher than all other things. Good soldiers are like limited resources; treat them as such and you will benefit.

Thank you for your time,

SGT D

Movie Review: Shutter Island

2010-02-19T22:00:00.001-08:00

The latest film from esteemed director Martin Scorsese, Shutter Island is basically everything M. Night Shymalalalallalyayayan wishes he could make in a movie but can't. Because he completely and utterly sucks at making movies and should be banned from the earth.

See how smoothly I transitioned from writing about the movie I just went to into a rant about how worthless M. Night Shamalamadingdong is? What can I say, I'm pretty good at this.

But seriously, if you've ever watched a movie like The Sixth Sense or The Happening and thought "hey, this is a pretty cool concept for a movie. It's too bad that it was totally ruined by outright bad film making..." then you might like Shutter Island because it is a cool concept for a movie that is made by someone who -- as crazy as this sounds -- knows how to make a movie.

For instance, where Shyamiwhynot tells actors to "stand here and say this line and don't worry if you sound like a soulless robot," Scorsese does this thing called "directing" whereby he challenges the actors to...act. This is a revolutionary idea that brings a rare commodity called "emotion" to the screen instead of, say, people just walking around talking about stuff like they are getting ready for a root canal.

The same can be said for the set itself. Scorsese tends to use backdrops like they were part of the movie. This is contrary to the Shymybutthurts school of film making which seems to pick settings based on wherever they pulled off the road to pee on a long trip and just set up shop without any rhyme or reason.

The plot of Shutter Island, however, suffers from the same problems as many other movies in that, if you have seen more than four other movies in your whole life, you can probably figure out what's going on well before the end. I've been surprised by exactly two endings to movies in my whole life, and this was not one of those times.

That being said, it was still entertaining. The production was top-notch, as was the acting. I know Leonardo Dicaprio got a lot of heat early on in his career for being a bit of a weeny (which I'm pretty sure he is -- mister-eco-friendly-guy), he is a damn fine actor who manages to be convincing as numerous characters.

The supporting cast is very strong, with Ben Kingsley always turning in a strong performance and the best role Max Von Sydow has played since Strange Brew. Wait, that may be the only role he's had since Strange Brew...

Again -- and I really can't stress this enough -- it's important to remember how much better of a movie this is than anything M. Night Shimmieshimmiecocoapop ever did. Ever. Why do I continue bringing him up? A laundry list of reasons comes to mind, but you only need two: One, all of his movies try to have some kind of brain-bending-twist that is supposed to "freak your mind" or something and.... utterly fails. And two, have you ever seen Lady in the Water? My gosh, that was one of the biggest insults to intelligence ever put on film. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of the First amendment, but that guy should probably go on trial just for that movie alone. Unbreakable would just fall under the category of "supporting evidence" to his conviction of crimes against humanity.

In short, Shutter Island was pretty decent, but isn't going to set your hair on fire. Unless you sit behind me and kick my chair like the lady did at the theater. Then all bets are off.

Letter to Students: We Totally Have Your Back in an Emergency

2010-02-16T19:48:00.000-08:00

Certain "academic institutions" have recently sent letters out to the student body in response to the shooting in Alabama a few days ago. With the help of a good friend, we...uhh, *helped* in translating one of these letters. Our comments are in italics.

Hat-tip to "J" for sending this to me and giving me the idea.

Dear Campus Community:

On behalf of the Metro State community, I wish to express our condolences to the University of Alabama at Huntsville campus community for the loss of three colleagues and the wounding of three others during the Feb. 12 shooting incident.

While, unfortunately, this kind of tragic incident is not completely preventable (except maybe by allowing concealed carry by students and faculty), I want to reassure you that we do have a number of (totally useless) campus safety initiatives in place, including the Emergency Notification System ( http://retardedcampussecurity.com), which I encourage all faculty, staff and students to sign up for.

I have been in contact with (insert random academic administrator here), Campus' interim executive vice president for administration, (an entirely useless position for which we pay a substantial salary and allow ridiculous leeway in terms of job performance), and she wishes to remind everyone that all members of the campus community (read: anyone who thinks campus police are real police) should report any suspicious activity or person immediately to the (insert general college campus here) Police Department at 1-800-EAT-PRIDE, or 911 from any campus phone. She also suggests that you take note of where the blue light emergency telephones are located in the campus parking lots (not that they will work, but hey, go ahead and try!).

In addition, the Campus Police offer the following safety tips:

Always be aware of what is going on around you. Many violent situations unfold in the same general way-a person makes threats or threatening comments. They show up at a business, school or workplace dressed in military-style or inappropriate clothing (like 90% of douche-bag veterans on campus), such as a trench coat in summer, and pull out a firearm and start calmly and methodically firing. Look for people acting strangely or dressed inappropriately. Take threats seriously (and please ignore the fact that in the event that inspired this letter -- the shooting at the University of Alabama -- the shooter wore neither military-style clothing nor a trench coat. We are doing our best to stereotype, so noting the differences here does not serve our purpose. And no, it doesn't apply to the Virginia Tech shooter either, so don't waste your time bringing up those "facts") .

Believe what you see. As events unfold in front of you, trust your eyes and your ears, as you see people running or hear the gunfire and people screaming (it may just be finals week..?). Many people report that they thought the event wasn't real (this is college, nothing seems real to anyone). They think it is a movie or a joke. Stay aware of what is happening around you, and trust your instincts that something is wrong?believe the warning! (and don't believe your English professors when they teach you punctuation! The faculty doesn't use it correctly, why should you?!)

Your first priority is to get out of the line of fire (hit the ground in the fetal position!). Get on the ground immediately and assess your escape routes. Do not hesitate, move!

Find cover (and wait there to become a victim). Get behind something that will stop bullets, not just conceal you (hippies help on both counts, but don't expect them to move with you). High-powered bullets (no, those weren't used in Alabama, either) can penetrate a large amount of materials. Look for brick walls, planters, mailboxes, cars or thick trees (the youth of today tends to wear baggy clothes, so that will offer some help).

Put distance between you and the shooter. Your chances for survival in a gunfight rise dramatically the farther you are from the gunman (they also rise when you confront the shooter with deadly force. However, our goal is to have the highest body count possible) so stay down and crawl away from the origin of the shooting. Try to get better cover or escape out of a door or window. Just get out (of my line of site while I'm trying to draw a bead on the shooter).

Escape! If you have been trapped by gunfire and there is a noticeable dramatic silence, the gunman may have run out of ammunition and is either reloading or switching to another weapon (or possibly shooting themselves, or getting high, or watching a film on Che Guevara. Remember, this is college). If at all possible, move to an exit to escape (under no circumstances should you attempt to defend yourself).

Call 911 or 303-GET-HIGH from a cell phone. As soon as it is safe, call the police giving them a location, description, make of weapon and any injuries.

While the likelihood is that you will never need this advice, it is impossible to predict if you'll ever be present when violence erupts. According to the police, a mental attitude of survival is your best defense (after all, a "mental attitude of survival" has ended many violent encounters such as The University of Texas clock-tower Shooting, the North Hollywood shootout, and the Battle of Falluja. But that's a different kind of "mental attitude" than what is being referred to here, isn't it?).

Also, if you notice signs of common responses to trauma (insert website and a phone number to call where you can talk to people who have absolutely no experience what so ever with violent conflict, trauma, or psychological response to armed encounters).

For more information on campus emergency preparedness, go to http://blaaaablaablaa/....

Again, please be assured that everything possible is being done to keep (this enclave of liberal and socialist ideology) a safe environment for us all (to be segregated from reality).

Sincerely,

Pseudo-Intellectual & Champion of Spinelessness, Ph.D.
President

The Lonely Watch: Part III

2010-02-16T19:12:00.000-08:00

For explanation of the story, see previous two posts.

I had crawled back to the safety of the ditch under a withering hail of gunfire. I could sense that the ODA guys were relieved to have me nearby again. Once again the team looked to me for guidance. I knew I had to make a decision to get these guys back to safety.

"We gotta get out of here." I shouted over the din of the gunfire.

"We already decided to E&E while you were out there pulling your stupid stunt." The ODA team chief growled at me. "If it wasn't for your stupidity we would have been out of here already."

"I'm trying to save your lives" I retorted. "I've been in 18 ambushes and I think I know whats going on. You've come along way sir, but I don't think your quite ready for this hot of a situation."

"Whatever, we don't have time for your shit." Yelled the team chief as he and his team dashed off down the dry creek bed in order to escape the ambush. I followed soon after, but not before I layed claymore mines along our route to destroy the enemy that followed us.

Twelve hours later we found ourselves pinned down again outside of a village near the Iranian border. It was the last obstacle on our way to freedom. The only thing was, a battalion of Iranian Special troops was hunkered down in the village, raining down their fire on us. Again, it was on me to pull the operation out of the fire, I didn't care what I had to do, I just wanted to get these guys home safe.

"Give me that radio" I demanded to the commo sergeant, "I'm calling in CAS."

"This is a SATCOM unit, it can't talk to air." Replied the inept SF sergeant.

"Oh yeah, watch this." I picked up the antenna array and pointed it at the nearest airplane I could see.

"You're cleared hot to engage targets in the village. Expend all ordnance, its gonna be danger close." Without responding the F-15 streaked in and dropped two 500 lb. bombs. The shock wave rocked me back, the feeling of the overpressure reminded me of the 18 IED attacks I had survived already on this tour.

"Get some." I shouted into the hand set. Over the next 4 hours I called in everything the air force and navy could throw our way. F-15, F-16, F-18, B-1, B-2, B-17, and even a flight of JU-87 Stukas that were pulled out of mothballs. The most amazing moment was when I ordered a KC-135 to dump its fuel over the village followed by a napalm strike to ignite it. The village went up in a mushroom cloud. Then there was silence.

Smoke drifted over our position from the burning remains of the village. It stank of burning flesh and I knew right there that I would have flashbacks for years. My hands shook, I was in awe of the destruction I had wrought.

"Did you see that shit! I f#$ked them up!" I cheered. "Yeehaw."

I saw saw the commo sgt hunched over his radio, handset to his ear, shaking his head in disgust at me.

"That radio isn't even on, shitbird. That was me calling in that air."

The team chief turned to his guys. "Did you see this moron jumping around shouting at a dead radio." He laughed.

"Yeah, what a retard." A wave of laughter swept over the desolate plane. I knew I had earned their respect, even if they showed it in such a weird way.

With the threat destroyed, we pulled on our packs and marched our way back to the relative safety of the Afghan side of the border. COL Fury was waiting there for us and he shook our hands one by one as we crossed border. As I stepped across, COL Fury grasped my hand in his iron grip, "You are truly a great American hero. I know we can't celebrate the story of your success because of the sensitivity of this operation but, rest assured, your fellow countrymen would be proud of your tenacity, and strength."

Suddenly the pain and weariness of the last few days wore off. I took off my hat and stood there gazing off to the setting sun, relieved to be back among the living.

The Lonely Watch: Part II

2010-02-15T11:35:00.000-08:00

For an explanation of the story, see part one (the post directly below this one).

It seemed as if we had been dropped into a nightmare. Almost as soon as we crossed the border, we had been ambushed. The explosions were deafening and the bullets were ricocheting and popping overhead. I peeked up from behind the rock I was using as cover and saw streams of tracer rounds arcing down at us from the ridge line above. I could see the shadows of enemy troops, probably Iranian Regulars, creeping ever closer to our position, dashing through the darkness. I could see the other guys were on the verge of panic. I was almost ready to join them in their terror when I remembered an important lesson from my past. It was in an article in “Soldier of Fortune Magazine” that I learned you have to keep a cool head in combat. That’s when I formulated my plan to get us out of there.

“Cover me while I go back to the truck and get the Loudspeaker.” I shouted over the gunfire.

“Are you f@$%ing retarded?” Answered the team leader. “This isn’t the time for your lame-a$$ speaker, SSG W.”

“Maybe I should just turn it in. I guess I don’t need it anymore.” I replied like a petulant child.

“Whatever. Go ahead and get yourself killed.” The team leader relented. Apparently my Line of Persuasion had worked on him. I readied myself to make a dash for the truck. I removed my vest and helmet to lighten the load so I could run faster and maneuver with ease. Then I filled my cargo pockets with M-203 rounds from my assault pack. I was ready to go. I took two deep breaths to prepare and I jumped up and began my dash. The incoming rounds were zipping past my head and I could feel them tearing through the air as they passed close by. I started working the 203, knowing that my fire could keep down the enemy’s heads. I had the foresight to load it with shotgun rounds which would release a cloud of deadly pellets over their positions. While at a dead sprint I kept reaching into my pockets and reloading, not stopping to give the enemy a chance to hit me. I just kept pumping those 203 rounds down range like a mad-man.

I reached the truck, out of breath and hunkered down behind the engine block. After catching my breath for a moment I crawled my way to the back of the vehicle where the loudspeaker was stored. I jumped up and reached into the bed of the truck, retrieving the loudspeaker. With rounds pinging off the truck, I began to assemble the loudspeaker system. After connecting all the wires I flicked on the power switch. That’s when I noticed the unit had been riddled with bullets and was inoperable. I couldn’t believe it. My primary weapon, the most important piece of equipment in the army’s inventory, had been destroyed.

The situation seemed more hopeless now than ever before. If I couldn’t use the loudspeaker, what other possible solution could there be? Maybe a leaflet drop? But how could I organize one from behind a bullet riddled truck, deep inside Iranian territory. It would take a truly heroic effort which only I could possibly achieve.

I peeked up over the back of the truck to try and spot the enemy coming closer. WHAM! It felt like I had been punched in the right ear. I reached up and felt around. I breathed a sigh of relief as I felt the shattered remains of my Peltor headset. Not only had it saved my hearing, it had quite possibly saved my life. Now I became afraid again. My life seemed to flash before my eyes. I saw my fellow Public Schools cops back home. I saw my Grandmother and D's juicy fat behind in my mind and I began to cry. I knew then and there I was a goner. We were all going to die out here. Who could possibly save us. I hoped my end would be quick and painless.

To be Continued……….

The Lonely Watch

2010-02-09T20:20:00.000-08:00

Preface: I can't believe it has taken me this long to put this up on the web. Short background: While in Iraq, we had a guy in our Detachment who was "that guy" in terms of story-telling, self-dilusions, and generally making himself a legend in his own mind. He told several stories to people regarding his past deployments that were so easily detectable as lies, they needed to be written down.

So...someone did. I cannot take credit for the writing here, although I wish I could. This story (part one of which starts below) became quite famous throughout MND North, and rightfully so -- it was the ultimate form of "call-out" to a guy who deserved to be called out. What you are about to read, as scary as it seems, is based on things that actually came out of his own mouth. Which parts are his and which are the author's? You be the judge, and laugh it up knowing in the back of your mind that most of it came from the mind of the subject of the story.

His name will be witheld -- you know, in case his family knows how to Google -- and if you don't "get it," don't worry. This is not a piece intended for all audiences, but more for the sake of a few (and getting this on to the world wide web for future use).

Without further ado, I give you The Lonely Watch (with a hat-tip to the true author, who knows who he is).

Chapter 1
I sat atop the hill above our humble little outpost, looking out over the windswept mountains of the Hindu Kush. I had grown to enjoy coming up here to collect my thoughts. The wind blew through my unkempt hair and beard as I contemplated the events of the last few hours. We had just received a briefing for tonight’s mission. I was still in shock over the pronouncement of tonight’s objective. We would be attempting an operation I would have thought impossible just a few short hours ago. We were going to invade Iran!

“You have been assembled here to be a part of one of the most secret missions of this war.” said Col Dalton Fury, the SF team commander. He was addressing an assembly of a dozen grizzled, elite warriors in attendance at the pre mission briefing .

“You have been selected for your skill in your specialties and your experience in these types of operations. Tonight’s target will be Objective Snake Oil. You will be going 35 miles behind the Iranian border to assault this suspected Al Quaeda training camp.” COL Fury pointed out the objective on the large map mounted on the wall. “You will be inserted here at LZ Bogus and make your way to positions here on the Northwest side of the village.” He traced the route out on the map. “Psyops.” COL Fury stared me down with his piercing gaze.”I need you for the most important stage of this mission. I need you to do a tactical callout once we deploy at the objective.”

“Roger, Sir” I replied “Our loudspeaker is the biggest asset we provide. I’ll prep a message right away”

“Thanks SSG W. I always know I can count on you” the COL said. Undoubtedly, he felt more approving of me than he would admit in front of all these men. “Now go get ready men. Your country is counting on you.” With that we were dismissed from the briefing to prepare for the mission.

I began by cleaning my weapons. An M-4 with a 203 grenade launcher mounted underneath. Not many people can match my skill with the 203 so I am forced to carry the extra weight of the weapon. As much as I hate carrying the extra weight, I know I can make the difference when things go wrong out there. Next, I double check the MPLS, better known as the Man-Pack Loudspeaker System. Sure enough, it plays the tactical callout message loud and clear. Finally, I take out my Peltor headset, replacing the batteries to ensure they will work the whole mission. I throw two more AA batteries in my pack just to be sure.

Now the team is assembled on the trucks. I look over and see COL Fury walking over from the TOC to see us off. “Gather ‘round gent.” He shouted. “Everyone hand over your name tapes and ID cards.” The COL commanded “You’re going sterile on this one. We don’t need the Iranian government finding out US troops are operating inside their borders.” The quiet evening air was disturbed by the sound of tearing Velcro as we removed every last bit of evidence that we were Americans.

“Mount Up” shouted the team leader. I began to get nervous now. I wondered would I ever see my family again? Would I make it back alive? My mind was racing but I calmed myself with the knowledge that I was highly trained and surrounded by the most talented men in Special Operations. I pulled my Peltors down over my ears and hopped onto the back of the GMV, a Special Forces version of the Humvee. I stood up, holding onto the turret ring as we sped away towards the setting sun. Towards our destiny.

To Be Continued………

Instead of Movie Review Part II...

2010-01-29T19:44:00.001-08:00

I figured I could offer up some funny at my own expense.

For my art class, the assignment was "Upside down drawing" in which we were instructed to copy a drawing by Pablo Picaso, but look at the original upside down so as not to worry about drawing fingers/face/ears but rather just following the lines.

So... above is my masterpiece. If you are thinking "hey, how come the shoulder goes at that weird angle..." then shut up. If you are wondering "wow, that's a really big lump on his head..." then stop it right now. And if you are starting to criticize the hands... shut your mouth. Just shut up, okay? I'm sensitive about my art.

So basically Picaso has nuthin' on me. I mean, seriously, look at that picture. Awesome doesn't really begin to describe it, and I'm pretty much quitting school this week to pursue art as a career. You can all say you "knew me when..."

That is, as long as you knock it off about the fact that the legs on the drawing belong to a 450 lbs Sa'amoan man. Just shut it!

Movie Review: Religulous (Part 1)

2010-01-26T20:16:00.000-08:00

At the request of my good friend Big Pappa, I am watching the Bill Maher documentary Religulous and offering up my commentary.

I think it should be offered up as a disclaimer before I start that A) I'm not a fan of Bill Maher and B) based on what I've seen in the previews, his view of Christianity is not the same as my own. That being said, I will watch it and offer up some thoughts.

The film opens with Maher stating that, when the Book of Revelation was written, "only God had the power to destroy the earth," but now we do because we have nuclear weapons and global warming. So...it's gonna be like that, is it Bill? Well here we go, then...

He says that he simply "can't" understand why people cling to religion, and that it is a "detriment to humanity." Isn't the inability to understand something the same as being ignorant of it? For instance, I completely understand why people are atheists, regardless of whether or not I agree with them; I understand why people choose different political parties in spite of my own views; I understand a lot of things I don't agree with. I even understand why people think being a progressive liberal is a good idea -- because they are missing a portion of a logical-thinking brain.

With a brief review of his childhood -- which was one of having a Jewish mother but being raised Catholic -- Bill has a discussion with his mother in which she reveals that the biggest reason they left the Church was because they used birth control and Catholicism is decidedly against birth control. Obviously they weren't into it soon enough, but I think I'm getting ahead of myself.

The first stop in his journey of "seeking the truth" is at the Truck Stop Chapel in Raleigh, North Carolina, and begins asking them (all seven people at the chapel) hard questions about what man has done to change Christianity from what the Biblical intent was. Way to challenge yourself by tackling some real intellectual heavyweights there, Bill. A couple of obese truckers can't answer you to your liking, so clearly you're right.

Well I stand corrected -- he's now interviewing Francis Collins, head of the Human Genome Project and author of the very interesting The Language of God. Maher uses the argument that the historicity of Jesus has never been proven, and when Collins tells him that he is setting up a standard that is impossible to meet, the interview disappears through the magic of editing and is replaced by Maher talking about how Jesus must have had an "awkward" childhood. He then claims that none of the Gospels are "history" and that they were not written by people who knew Jesus. My problem with this is that he states it as an accepted fact by historians. This is simply not true. Of course there is dispute regarding the historicity of the Gospels, but to deny them outright as not historical at all would be to discount much of what we have today in terms of non-religious history, as well. And last time I checked... nope, Bill Maher is not a historian. Huh.

Back to Collins so Maher can ask a question... and then not let him answer.

The next interview is with some sort of tele-evangelist-type dude who dresses like a pimp because he "likes gold" and says that "Jesus dressed very well...he was not poor." Once again an outstanding representative of Christianity. The guy can't even correctly quote one of the most widely known verses in the Bible. Crimeny who is this guy? Jeremiah Cummings. Remind me to buy his DVD.

Next up is the question of being gay, and how organized religion has approached the issue. Maher questions a pastor about whether or not someone can be born gay or not. Whether the answer is yay or nay, how does this impact the truth of Christianity? It's called playing to the audience. He knows it's a "hot button" topic and stirs people up. There's absolutely no value to the debate in an intellectual sense, but it's fun to make people uncomfortable by throwing the words "fag" and "gay sex" at them.

Back to the conversation with Bill's mother and him covering the topic of how upset he was when he found out that Santa wasn't real and then jumps back to a conversation with a shop-owner about the story of Jonah and how unbelievable it is to him that a story like this could happen. In other words he is taking the stance of presupposing that miracles cannot happen, therefore treating the simple mention of a miracle with pure mockery. Which is what makes his next foray -- into the topic of the founding fathers of American history and its relationship with Christianity -- all the more ironic. Given the circumstances of the American invention, I'd say the fact that we came to where we are is a pretty good example of a miracle.

A couple of quotes are thrown up on the screen from Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, seemingly with the intent of showing the viewer that the Founding Fathers were not Christian as many claim. Oddly enough he leaves out any quotes by James Madison. Interesting. I think he was kinda important... Moving on to modern day politics he interviews Mark Pryor, a Senator from Arkansas, about the Ten Commandments. Bill commits a common fallacy here after he suggests that people could figure out murder is wrong without religion by stating that "more killing has been done in the name of 'my God'..." Though he fails to complete the thought, it is left hanging as if to imply that religion has caused more murder than any other source in history. This is a great line of thought...as long as you don't pick up a history book. Ever. If he can come up with a single religious-based war that caused more deaths than Stalin did during his time in power, then that would be a greater miracle than anything Jonah ever did.

On to the topic of evolution, Maher uses another classic: saying that scientists "pretty much agree" on evolution. Uhhh...what? Try this: Google "origins of life" and then tell me that scientists are in agreement. Nothing could be further from the truth. And here's the real kicker: Christianity isn't in agreement on the subject. There are several very well-educated Christians who propose old-earth theories -- some of which pre-date Charles Darwin. Crazy talk, I know. But notice that Maher didn't include this line of questioning with Dr. Collins -- opting instead for a bumbling, good ol' boy Senator.

I'll get to the rest later. But I'd like to note that I'm half-way through this thing and so far my biggest complaint is that Maher has not challenged himself at all. Yes, Dr. Collins is a heavyweight, but his answers are edited out or cut short. He states at the beginning that he is searching for the truth, but if that were the case why would he purposefully seek out those who can be mocked with ease for their lack of understanding? One can find a fool in any discipline if their intent is to make the discipline look foolish.

Will try and do the second half tomorrow.

Hollystupid: Part II of the New Game

2010-01-20T13:35:00.001-08:00

Remember Val Kilmer? That guy who was so cool in Top Gun, Top Secret and played a wicked version of Doc Holiday in Tombstone? Yeah, well... I'm not quite sure what to say about this piece of work.

In case you don't want to read the whole thing (and I personally recommend you don't), I will give you the highlight. In response to a question by the interviewer "you understand how it feels to shoot someone as much as a person who has actually committed murder?" Kilmer has this to say:

I understand it more. It's an actor's job. A guy who's lived through the
horror of Vietnam has not spent his life preparing his mind for it. He's some
punk. Most guys were borderline criminal or poor, and that's why they got sent
to Vietnam. It was all the poor, wretched kids who got beat up by their dads,
guys who didn't get on the football team, couldn't finagle a scholarship. They
didn't have the emotional equipment to handle that experience. But this is what
an actor trains to do. I can more effectively represent that kid in Vietnam than
a guy who was there.

I would love to tell you it gets less crazy from there, but... I'd be lying. He goes on to say how he understands Moses and how it would feel to be Jesus... Geez, this guy manages to insult veterans and Christians without even discussing politics. That's fairly impressive.

Though I would love to spend the next 30 or 40 minutes kicking the crap out of the above statement, I think it speaks for itself. Just remember, these are the people making millions of dollars to entertain and enlighten you. Then tell you how horrible you are for being a greedy capitalist and for hating minorities and children. I hope you are all ashamed of yourselves.

Movie Review: The Book of Eli

2010-01-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

Before taking my review at face value, keep something in mind: this is my type of movie. It is set in a post-apocalyptic world and deals with the topic of The Bible and Divine intervention. So it's right up my alley, in other words.

That being said, it is an excellent movie. Denzel Washington, playing the lead character, is on a journey across what was once America, some 30 years after a nuclear holocaust. He is in possession of the last remaining Holy Bible, and is compelled by "a voice" to take it to a place he is not sure of, but knows he will when he gets there.

Of course there is a bad guy -- in this case played by Gary Oldman -- who is in control of some other bad guys and wants to expand his bad guyness into more territories and over more people. He believes the best way to do this is to get a hold of a Bible; its words and teachings can be used for the purposes of controlling the masses.

Because of this conflict between the protagonist and his adversary, an interesting sub-theme is developed which poses the question of power in regards to religion and how people use it. Which is interesting for me because the majority of debate I have engaged in regarding religion ends up focusing more on what Christianity has done, rather than what it should do. For most who oppose religion and belief, a large portion of their argument is dedicated to "well what about when 'the Church' did _____." Whether or not "the Church" actually did what is in question is often irrelevant; the point is that people see the actions of a group in power as being indicative of the source documents from which that power builds itself.

However, this is, as I stated, a sub-theme; the primary theme is that Denzel Washington's character, Eli, is one bad mamma-jamma. To paraphrase the Blues Brothers, he's on a mission from God and people who get in his way are generally less well-off than they were before. It's not a non-stop action movie, but the action that exists is very well done and the pace of the movie certainly does not make you feel like you are watching a film about religion.

Aside from a couple of small technical flaws (like, where did they get the gas for the vehicles 30 years after everything was destroyed? And how do they keep them running?) I thought it was an extremely well done movie with great acting and a thought-provoking storyline. In fact, whether you are a believer or not, you would be hard-pressed to disagree that it is quite rare these days for Hollywood to put out something with a positive spin on anything Biblical and/or relating to the Christian faith. This manages to do just that while still addressing a pertinent argument that many anti-theists make against organized religion.

But a solid two thumbs up from this guy, for what it's worth. It's not a super-fancy special effects extravaganza, but it certainly keeps you engaged and makes you think about a few things in a different light, for sure. I highly recommend it for anyone making a trip to the theater. Especially for those who are a fan of the post-apocalyptic genre like myself.

Unfortunately, however, there are, in fact, no zombies. The film could certainly have used some zombies.

How To Know if You Should Be Taken Out And Shot: Part I

2010-01-15T09:09:00.001-08:00

If you have experienced depression after seeing a movie because you come to the realization that the fantasy world depicted in said movie is, well, fantasy, then you should probably be put out to pasture. Your time is over. Whatever possible usefulness you may have had towards society has been used up, and you are now a drain.

Thank you for playing, but we kindly ask you to leave now.

This is literally where we're at in this country -- people are creating forums on the internet to discuss "ways to cope with the depression of the dream of Pandora being intangible." No, really. You just read that. And it was a quote on CNN. I couldn't make this up if I tried.

So, again, for anyone out there who shares those feelings or feels "despair" regarding the human race after seeing the movie Avatar, please see yourselves out quietly.

As for me, I'm headed to see The Book of Eli this afternoon and should have a review up later tonight. Should be a pretty good movie, as Denzel rarely disappoints, and it has to do with the apocalypse and Bible stuff. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Movie Review: Hurt Locker

2010-01-13T14:07:00.000-08:00

Has anyone reading this been to Iraq? If the answer is no, then... YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE, MAN!!! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!

Whew. Now that I have that out of my system...

The Hurt Locker came out on DVD yesterday, and as I had read several very positive reviews from reputable sources, I went ahead and bought the DVD so that we -- myself, J, and Big Pappa, all hardened combat vets ourselves -- could watch it and offer up a review.

Let me begin by saying that, overall, it was a good movie. The pace was good, acting was well above average, special effects were quite well done, and the production was exceptional considering that it's not exactly a high-budget Hollywood flick.

The movie follows a team of Army EOD (Explosive Ordnance Disposal) soldiers during their last couple of months in Iraq. The team is forced to adjust to a new leader who seems to be a bit of a thrill-seeker after losing their first one in a bomb blast. Due to the adventurous nature of the new leader, the team finds itself in multiple situations that raise the heart-rate to a near-explosive level for the other soldiers.

Now for the down and dirty (enough of this "plot" nonsense, eh?): although I liked it, there were some glaring problems I saw that could have been corrected with little effort on behalf of the production company and the film would not have suffered. I do realize that dramatic license must be applied from time to time in order to make things more enjoyable for the viewer. But most of the problems I saw were not ones that would make it less exciting, but rather just more realistic.

For instance, at the beginning of the movie the caption on the screen reads "Baghdad, 2004." We see a very well done set that very much resembles Iraq (not sure where they filmed it) and some soldiers patrolling, all in their uniforms which were very well done and completely accurate. If it were 2008. The U.S. Army did not have ACUs in 2004, but rather DCUs; nor was everyone using M4s (many units were still carrying the old musket, the M-16). Many viewers probably say "so what, it's not that big a deal." Well... yeah, you're probably right, but it's the attention to detail that I think sets movies apart; just overlooking stuff and saying "ahhh skip it, only a few people will notice" lends to shoddy work all around.

Which leads to the next problem -- throughout the movie, our heroes are seemingly out on their own. They arrive at the scene of a bomb/IED...alone. They patrol up a street to the bomb....alone. They go out to dispose of ordnance...alone. Granted, I was not there in 2004, but I've never seen EOD do anything alone. Ever. In fact, the only time they got out of their truck was to inspect ordnance. No patrolling, no pulling security against snipers, nada.

Keep in mind, this is not to take away from EOD. On the contrary; they have a very specific job that they do quite well. They are not needed for the other tasks, and because of that they are free to concentrate on their job -- preventing things from blowing up where they shouldn't, and making them blow up where they should.

In other words, their job is pretty exciting as it is. Hollywood magic is not really necessary to spruce it up.

My biggest point of contention with the film comes at what is probably the best action scene in the movie. The EOD team is out -- alone, again -- and runs into a team of British...contractors? Special Forces? They are dressed in Haji garb and it's never made clear what they are for sure. Either way, they are dressed like dudes who have been there and done that, and have a couple of prisoners.

I won't completely spoil the events, but all of them together come under fire from some bad guys and are forced to take cover in a ditch. One of the Brits has a .50 caliber sniper rifle, so they attempt to use it to engage the snipers who attacked them, who are...apparently over a thousand yards away. So far, in fact, that the Americans and Brits have problems hitting them accurately with their .50 cal.

For those non-gun people out there, let me explain: there is no hand-held rifle in the arsenal of any Arab military force that can cover that distance accurately, let alone out-shoot Brit snipers with that kind of weaponry. Which leads me to the issue I have with this: why would the producers of the movie go out of their way to make bad guys look better and Western forces appear incompetent? I know it's a small detail, but it's almost like a conscious effort in movies these days to make our military look weaker than the enemy we are fighting. As critical as I am of the U.S. Military, we are far superior to anything a Middle Eastern country has produced. Ever.

The classic blooper of the movie occurred at this point, as well, when they tried to use the sniper rifle but couldn't because it was jammed. Why was it jammed? Because there was "blood" on the bullets in the magazine. Uhh...what? If blood makes weapons jam, we are in serious trouble... Rest assured, it would have worked just fine. But here again, it would not have detracted from the movie had they changed this part to reflect a more realistic problem. Like, say, maybe a female soldier unable to participate because she was asleep? Ohhh come on, that would never happen, right? RIGHT??? Keep telling yourself that...

That being said, I liked the movie. It was definitely the best thing I've seen regarding the current conflict, and it did a good job of staying away from the whole everyone-comes-back-broken-with-PTSD theme that plague so many films in this genre. It may also be good to keep in mind that I watched the movie with two friends who I deployed with, so we may have had a lot of open commentary that forced us to miss portions of the film. Possibly.

I would highly recommend it in your Netflix que or from the Redbox, as it is certainly better than most of what is out there.

On a slightly related note, Kelly Crigger has a great piece over at Ranger Up telling about the passing of a true American hero, and how preoccupied people are with Tiger Woods and the like instead of guys like Robert Howard. Take the time to check it out.

New Game

2010-01-11T21:09:00.001-08:00

I think I'm going to start a new game that will take the blogging community by storm. And by "blogging community" I basically mean myself and the three other people I know who have blogs. So you should play too, as it will assuredly be great fun.

The game will work like this: who can come up with the most idiotic thing in Hollywood -- be it a quote, an idea, or a random happening -- and explain how it is that these people are able to continue not only living in our society, but earning substantially more money than we are while doing it.

My first nomination comes from one of the champions of Hollywood-stupid, none other than Oliver Stone. Poorly constructed historical efforts regarding Alexander the Great, Nixon, and the 60's in general not withstanding, Stone may very well have out done himself with this one.

Stone announced yesterday that a 10-hour crash course in the history of the 20th century he is putting together for American TV is designed as an antidote to the inaccuracies and biases he believes exist in the conventional historical narrative dished out in American schools and mainstream media. The title alone gives an inkling of what lies ahead: Oliver Stone's Secret History of America.

Because Oliver Stone is a highly trained historian. Oh wait... He then went on to discuss how he would portray Hitler and Stalin "in context" because he was able to empathize with them, and say how the film would cover Mao and...McCarthy. Apparently outing communists in your own government while being a drunk is equal to the genocide of millions of people. Seriously. It is. Look it up.

Anyway, that's the coup de grace of stupid in Hollywood this week as far as I can find. I'm looking in the direction of Big Pappa and his roommate to come up with something better, and am confident they can.

Tomorrow I will be watching The Hurt Locker and hopefully reviewing it soon, as it is supposed to be a pretty good flick. And later in the week I will be going to see The Book of Eli as I am more than just a little excited about that one. Let's hope Hollywood can restore my faith in entertainment. After all, if I lose faith in famous people, where does that leave me???

Television Nonsense

2009-12-29T20:52:00.001-08:00

I'm currently watching the Kennedy Center Honors on CBS and it's every bit as self-indulgent for those involved as you can imagine.

Right now they are paying tribute to Bruce Springsteen for singing three songs with different words over the course of 30 years. Sting is singing a song about children dancing in the sky...or something. I'm not sure because his beard is leaving too big of a carbon footprint for me to hear the words clearly. People like Edward Norton and Philip Seymour Hoffman are dancing in the audience and that is every bit as nightmare-inducing to my eyes as you are imagining it could be.

Melissa Ethridge sang a tribute to him a minute ago, which was fitting seeing as how her whole career was based on ripping him off. Oh what's that you say? She also sounded a lot like Bob Seger? Well yes, but what is Bob Seger but a poor man's Bruce Springsteen? And that's pretty sad because Bruce Springsteen is really just a poor man's Bob Dylan, who was just a poor man's Jack Kerouac. Which really puts us in a bind because Kerouac was a raging alcoholic who never made that much money. Wow, I'm depressed now. Imagine how Miss Ethridge feels...

Anyway, before the Springsteen tribute was one for Mel Brooks and then one for some opera singer. Yawn.

I'm going to make a pretty obvious statement here: Television is downright awful. Even what passes for "news" is just plain lame. Fox News, which praises itself on being fair and balanced, apparently thinks part of being fair includes giving air time to Charlie Sheen's attempt to impersonate Ike Turner (for the younger crowd, that is a domestic violence reference which, in my opinion, is pretty darn funny. So just insert some cool, hip, new guy who beats his wife in place of Ike to make the joke work if you don't know who that is).

Honestly, aside from South Park -- a poorly drawn cartoon -- I don't think there is a single weekly-airing show geared toward adults. Even the Discovery Chanel is running shows like "Ghost Lab." Really? Ghost lab. Yes I can see that being very educational and thought provoking, what with all the lab work involved...with...ghosts...

I could go on about entertainment these days, but I think that the sinus infection from which I'm currently suffering is substantially more interesting at the moment. Maybe I'll continue this another time. Then TV will be better. I just know it.

Movie Review: Sherlock Holmes

2009-12-29T20:33:00.000-08:00

A great movie all the way around. Robert Downey jr. is without question one of the best actors alive today, so generally speaking if you see a movie with him in it, the acting is going to be at a higher level than most. It seems that not only does he do well in the pictures he is in, but those around him seem to be better than they normally are.

That being said, the movie itself is pretty entertaining, as well. Slightly on the long side (for those of us who now have the attention span of an OIF zombie-movie-watching veteran) but mostly fast-paced throughout. I was especially fond of the complete lack of blue-faced aliens who are at one with their environment. Their absence gave room for a gritty and humerous look at Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's most famous character come to life on the big screen.

I was also impressed at the relatively small use of CGI in the film and how few transforming robots there were. That's quite rare these days, I've come to find. Apparently the budget didn't allow for that, but I think the movie benefitted in the end.

And speaking of things absent from the movie that made it infinitely better, there were no rappers-turned-actors, schlocky political messages, or even a hint of "corporations" being the end-all be-all of evil. That's downright amazing, given the last half-dozen movies I've seen.

Oh and neither Hugh Grant nor any member of Sex and The City made a single appearance. High marks received on that note.

Worth your time on DVD for sure, and possibly a trip to the theater, as well.

Non-Politically Correct Post About the Military

2009-12-17T10:12:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for a touchy-feely, congratulate-the-military kind of post, then you should probably look elsewhere because this one ain't it.

A friend of mine, who we shall refer to affectionately here as "Big Pappa," did a post on this article and how women returning from tours in Iraq and Afghanistan feel that they are not treated fairly.

While Big Pappa does a fantastic job of shredding the author of the article -- starting with the first line and continuing throughout -- I want to focus on a couple things more specifically (and with less swearing for the family). Namely, lines such as this one:

More than 230,000 American women have fought in those recent wars and at least 120 have died doing so, yet the public still doesn't completely understand their contributions on the modern battlefield.

You know what? I've been deployed and *I* don't completely understand their contributions on the modern battlefield. In our Detachment in Iraq there were approximately 20 soldiers (dependent on the day/week/month/), one of which was a female. Guess which person worked the least, slept the most, and caused the most drama over the course of a year? Guess who broke down and cried when told to do their job? Guess who dropped hints of suicide when forced to get out of bed before noon? Guess who played the sexual harassment card when completely unwarranted?

Yes, this is what we call anecdotal evidence, and is in no way indicative of the entire Army taken by itself. But here's a test: Go find a soldier who was deployed with women and see if they don't have the exact same story. I will even bet you that if you talk to a female soldier she would tell you that the women were the cause of many an issue.

Do women contribute to the cause? Absolutely. Are there women out there who do their job and don't cause problems? Most assuredly. But the aforementioned article raises some serious questions if not looked at through the corrective lenses of sensitivity training. I'll show you what I mean by comparing and contrasting.

Take another line from said article:

"People didn't come up to us and thank us for our service in the same way. They didn't give us free beers in bars in the same way when we first got back," said Williams, 34, of Ashburn, Va. "Even if you're vaguely aware of it, it still colors how you see yourself in some ways."

Now compare that with this article on Breitbart about soldiers getting better gear:

Soldiers are being issued a rucksack made of plastic that is not comfortable or effective in combat situations...Troops carry heavy loads on their backs and the plastic straps cut off circulation to their hands and arms, "making it virtually impossible to fire their weapons," they told Mullen and Defense Secretary Robert Gates.

Now, let's think about this for just a minute. Female soldiers are complaining because they aren't being bought free beer at bars and dudes are complaining because they need a better way to carry heavier loads into combat.

Yes, these are only two articles that are talking about different subjects. But this is a perfect example that reflects current trends of thought in the Army today -- kinder and gentler folk who signed up to get college money and "find themselves" want to be treated fairly (i.e. more fairly than everyone else) and for people to stop being so darn mean to them, while rough dudes want better gear and training to kill bad guys.

To many of us, this is not a new revelation; to many who have had their heads up their rears, it certainly is and I'm quite sure that they will be "shocked" if they read this. But the simple fact is that there is more than one Army in reality, even though they all wear the same uniform and adhere to the same rank structure. Women talk about being treated "fairly" while at the same time having lower standards; sexual harassment classes are more common than weapons handling drills, while rape is statistically lower in the Army than it is on an average college campus in the United States. And if you think that women "can do everything men can do" when it comes to soldiering tasks, go hang out with the boys of the 75th for a day or two and then tell me that.

While I have known two women in my life that were most definitely capable of hanging with the boys when it comes to physicality, both were a very, very rare exception and their case does not do justice to the argument at hand. Which is, in essence, there needs to be a defined difference between separate sections of the military. There is far more to this topic than just the physicality of military service, and the AP article shows exactly that.

Horribly bad reporting and even worse fact checking aside, the article misses something huge that the Army is actually addressing: one of the big reasons why women come back from theater depressed is because, while deployed, they were mostly the center of attention for 12 months due to a disproportionate ratio of males to females. Upon return, men reintegrate into society and see their wives/girlfriends/other women and the deployed females are suddenly left with a huge lack of male attention comparatively speaking. We saw this first-hand.

I'm not saying it makes women weaker or worse as a person. On the contrary, I think guys would be just as bad if the situation were reversed (imagine a guy deploying with a group of women for a year then coming back to a bunch of other dudes). What I am saying is that the integration of sexes in uniform spells trouble when deployed. That's the nature of the beast that I think everyone knows deep down. But, more importantly -- I may make a thesis out of this part -- what people need to realize is that the overwhelming majority of soldiers don't see "combat" while deployed. Now factor in how many less women there are than men, and the percentage is very, very minute.

Are there women who have seen combat and been injured and/or killed? Yes, and they are and shall always be remembered as patriots. Is there a need to recognize their contributions? Absolutely. But should we bend over backwards and go out of our way for them differently, given that the very nature of the complaints are flawed and coming from soldiers who already don't have to live up to the same standards as their male counterparts? I think you know my answer.

I served with two women, albeit in a limited capacity, who seemed to keep the drama to a minimum and just did their jobs (one of which was actually deployed with and lived with her husband, so take that into consideration). My hat is off to them for doing so. However, and as I have repeatedly mentioned here and in the past, they don't meet the same standards as men. So if they Army itself does not treat them equally, why should male soldiers be subjected to countless hours of being told that they are?

This whole subject is indicative of a larger problem in the Army, some of which I mentioned in my previous post on MAJ Hasan. No, I'm not likening women to terrorists (although there was this one girl I knew...), I am simply reiterating my point about political correctness taking hold of a government bureaucracy where it should have little or no place at all. The military and its people are a subject near and dear to my heart, so when I see nonsense being spewed about them, I feel it should be addressed.

Now take the aforementioned bureaucracy, multiply it by a thousand, and you would have nationalized health care. Sounds like a treat, don't it?

Update: There are (or were, in this case) good leaders in the Army. When can I vote for this guy??
To be continued...

Some Thoughts On MAJ Hasan

2009-11-11T13:58:00.000-08:00

While people like Jonah Goldberg at National Review are doing a far better job of "reporting" this incident than I ever could (or intend to do), I have decided after reading a fair amount about this event that a perspective from a (former) soldier is needed. After all, what I have seen in a bulk of the reporting on this issue needs to be sliced down the middle by Occam's Razor.

Simple facts first: He is a Muslim. As much as some media outlets seem bound and determined to ignore, this is a well established fact. And because many try to ignore it, something huge gets left out of the issue; namely, that because of the overwhelming lean towards political correctness and tolerance in the military today, "extremists" are increasingly difficult to weed out. There seems to be a loud cry about "how could he have continued to be in the Army??" Another question that could be asked, eliciting nearly the same response, would be "why do good people get out of the Army?"

The answer to both of those questions revolve around the ridiculousness of Army policy in the day and age of a "kinder, gentler military." Soldiers are constantly bombarded with class after class of "awareness" of some kind; whether it be sexual, racial, or suicidal in nature, that is a constant in Army life.

Please don't misunderstand me, some of this is a very good thing. Understanding signs for suicide prevention is never bad, for instance. However, after so many classes, a bulk of the Army is left with one overarching conclusion: that heterosexual, white males will, as a mathematical certainty, rape someone, hurl a racial epithet, and persecute due to religious preference. Possibly all at the same time, while carrying a rebel flag and burning a cross.

A few years back, in my other Army life, I remember a Ranger Instructor saying "all this political correctness is going to come back and bite the Army in the ass." It's tough not to think of that statement after the last few days. And while a lot of people don't see the connection, those of us that have been in for more than a day and have some common sense most certainly do.

Think about this: his own superiors quoted him as saying things that were totally inappropriate. Yet they did nothing. Why? Some will look at those superiors and fault them. I don't. At least not from what I understand. Simply put, I would imagine their hands were tied from doing what they probably thought in their heads as the right thing. Don't think so? Try this headline on for size:

Army Major relieved of duty for holding on to Islamic ideology.

Think that would fly over well in Washington? Think those officers wouldn't lose their retirement? If you don't, think again. The Army is one massive gravy train, and those who stay on it for life aren't getting off until they absolutely have to. If that means letting some nut-job psychiatrist run his mouth about jihad and the Great Satan, when the alternative is losing that cushy retirement check, then hell no they won't stop him. Nor would most people in the corporate world. Which is why everyone is "shocked" when Bill from accounting shows up with a MAC-10 hosing people down because he just couldn't take it anymore. No one wants to be the person who goes on record and says "oh yeah, I knew he would snap. But I didn't say anything 'cause I didn't want to lose my job."

But the Army is supposed to be different, right? Right?!?! Well yes, but it's not. Point of fact, it's much worse simply because people can't be fired. Yes, it's hard in corporate world too, but... In the Army, one has to...well, one would have to do basically what MAJ Hasan did to get fired. And here we are.

What I'm getting at here is that the Army is not what most people think it is -- there are little to no repercussions for one's actions. I have seen people who, by all tests of logic, should not have even been allowed to wear the uniform be promoted into the ranks of both the officer and non-commissioned officer corps. Part of it is a need for bodies. There just aren't enough people to fill the ranks. But an even bigger aspect is what we see with people like MAJ Hasan. I would bet my bank account that there are over 20 soldiers who have been in contact with that guy in the last 6 months uttering a phrase that is similar to "they promoted that guy???" Yet, as stated earlier, one could be punished for expressing said discontent more so than a MAJ Hasan would be for stating his "religious views," even if they include beheading of the same men he shares a uniform with.

So that I don't appear to be complaining without a solution, here is what I propose:

1) Knock of the tolerance crap in the Army and trade it for good, hard training. If people are focused on doing their job, they are much less likely to invent problems like complaining that so-and-so made fun of them for whatever reason. The person doing the whining will either be too tired to complain, or they will not be there. Whiny people tend not to make it through hard training, if (leading me to the next one)...

2) Enforce the standards. Across the board. In other words, if someone fails a physical fitness test, they don't get a pass because they are a Muslim. Think it doesn't happen? Think again. As stated above, the type of person who causes the most problems generally doesn't have what it takes to make it through tough training. Conversely, those who do make it through tough training tend to be more focused on the real problems at hand.

3) Accept that, by the strictest definitions and interpretations of the Qu'ran, Islam is a violent religion. Yes, I'm putting myself on a hit list here (which would, in effect, prove my point), and yes there are many millions of peaceful Muslims. But there is way, way too much tolerance when it comes to this subject. It needs to stop, and it needs to be accompanied by a good, hard look at the religion and doctrine taught by way more of the Islamic world than many think. Using "there are millions of peaceful Muslims" as a defense is both inadequate and intellectually hollow. There are a lot of Catholic priests who diddle little boys, too. That doesn't mean they are following doctrine when they do it.

4) Also accept that when a Muslim man yells "Allah akbar" as he is shooting people, it is, in fact, an act of terrorism. And it's "OK" to call it that. The PC Police won't arrest you for being intolerant. You may get called that by people like Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews, but I would consider that a win for me anyway.

Oh and do yourself a favor by doing some reading on the Muslim clerics people like MAJ Hasan studied under. Then come back and tell me that we need more "tolerance."

This is a subject which I hold near and dear to my heart, so it will be covered in greater detail later. For now, however, I thought it important to get some thoughts down in the written form.

Movie Review: State of Play

2009-11-11T13:45:00.000-08:00

State of Play, staring Russel Crowe and Ben Affleck, is the story of a United States Congressman who is going after a private military contractor and an old-school, gum-shoe reporter who happens to be the congressman's old roommate and how he is tracking the story down.

The movie fails completely because of two main flaws: One, that it forces the viewer to assume that Ben Affleck could be both a US Congressman and also a legitimate actor. Second, that it follows along with the latest trend of demonizing the "evil, greedy private military company." Both of these are what's called a "disconnect from reality."

I won't bother with all the details of the movie. Namely because it is just too painful (watching Russel Crowe try to be both Woodward and Bernstein at the same time is pure agony). Suffice to say I am growing ever more weary of the plot lines involving "evil private contractors." I could write a whole post on that subject alone, but I will sum it up by just telling you not to bother with this movie. Unless of course you think Ben Affleck is remotely talented, in which case you should probably stop reading this blog.

Drunk, Moonwalking Ewoks on the Today Show

2009-10-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

I don't think you need any more explanation than the title to make you go watch this clip. It pretty much sells itself and is well worth your time.

Halloween Is Evil

2009-10-30T17:56:00.000-07:00

The Vatican (which I think is...Hindu...?) released a statement in their newspaper this week that Halloween is "anti-Christian."

Where to begin.... First of all, they are saying this now? Pretty sure kids have been Trick-or-Treating for a good number of years, so is this a subject that the Vatican finally said "hey, wait a minute....we should look into that!" or did they just get fed up with little kids dressed up as Transformers and begging for junk food at the Holy City's door, so they figured declaring it "evil" would put a stop to all the shenanigans and eggings.

Second -- and this is the big one -- seriously, how can the Vatican, of all places, label a holiday evil because it is based in the occult? Umm, have you ever looked up the history on Easter? That seems to be a rather big one for the Roman Catholics, last time I checked. But I guess borrowing customs and traditions from pagan rituals is OK when it's convenient. And doesn't involve giving out free candy.

If one ever wonders why organized religion is frowned upon for lack of serious thought, look no further than instances like this. Message to the Pope: Stop worshipping rabbits and don't be such a candy jew. People might start taking you more serious.

Charles Manson Is a Genius

2009-10-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

I am currently watching an MSNBC (best news site ever!) special on Charles Manson and the "inner workings" of the man who, by anyone's fair assessment, is quite the deep thinker.

Charlie (as I like to call him) gave an interview in 1997, and MSNBC is now analyzing this interview with the help of a "criminal profiler" from the FBI. Whoa. The FBI? That is some serious stuff. Those people don't mess around. I've seen every episode of the X Files and if there is one thing I've learned from that, it is how incredibly professional and competent the FBI is. For serious.

But watching this interview with ol' Chuck is quite enlightening, I have to say. Why was this guy put in prison? I think he's got some pretty good ideas.

"Hodge-podge of psychoanalytical podge-o-rodge-o-ramma-lamma crapola."

I don't care who you are, that's pure genius.

"I've been with prostitutes, bums and winos my whole life. That's the real world. And if I started murdering people, there would be none of you left."

See where the genius is? It's all in the transition. He went right from living like Jesus to killing anyone and everyone. That takes talent to be able to make that leap so quickly and -- most notably -- so smoothly.

"I told the judge years ago what was coming. He didn't care."

I care! Tell me where I can sign up!

"When you turn young kids into Rambos and lead them into strawberry fields, you're gonna have to answer for what you've done."

Uhhh...

"I'm still a little kid. I don't read too well, and I don't mind being stupid. But I can't get a away from politics."

This where we play the game of "Who said it: Charlie Manson or Ted Kennedy."

"Would you tell jokes about me if I was in the same room with you?"

I don't know, your 5' 1" 95 lbs frame is pretty imposing, so....?

"He portrays a profound disconnect" says the FBI expert. Really? No foolin'... I wish I had the ability to be in the FBI. They are so smrt.

Apparently California state law was changed so that there can be no more televised interviews with inmates. Which is really too bad because I could watch this kind of thing every day.

I saw this show today about rich kids having their "Sweet 16" birthday party and the ridiculous amounts of money their parents spend on them. Seriously, I think Chuck Manson has a more realistic and valuable world-view than a Beverly Hills teenager. How sad is that? Yet, here we are. I can more closely relate to a guy who is doing life in prison for his insanity than I can to, what MTV calls, today's youth.

What I think is most interesting -- and possibly scary -- is how much he sounds like Al Gore. And I'm not sure if that speaks poorly of Al or well of Charlie. Either way it makes us all realize how wrong we were to criticize An Inconvenient Truth. Not because of the poor research and abuse of science, but because Al could end up in your bedroom writing "Helter Skelter" on the wall and stabbing away like a race-war gone wild. Tragic, I say. Tragic.

Zombies AND Midgets: The Best Post Ever

2009-10-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

Because it's not about "if" a zombie apocalypse will happen so much as it is "when," I feel the need to post updates I find regarding the subject.

Jonah Goldberg at National Review posted this yesterday. I think he makes some valid points, not the least of which is that he would rather be with a team of Navy SEALs than with a bunch of gamers. That is an interesting phenomenon when discussing a possible zombie apocalypse; gamers think that somehow they have more knowledge and ability to survive than the average human. How so? Clearly they are missing out on some of the most important aspects of survivability (like finding hot chicks, rescuing them, and being all macho and stuff with lots of guns).

I won't get into details just yet, since this is a short post. So here is a starting point to educate yourself on possible zombie types. We can discuss more of this later.

And yes, the title was correct -- we have midgets as well!

I blame my sister for this particular funny (she laughed. I didn't. I find it horribly offensive. Totally).

This one was linked off of the same page and is just too good to be true. Why had I not thought of that....

Napolitano Is Some Sort of Genius

2009-10-13T16:16:00.000-07:00

"Napolitano Says Al-Qaeda-Style Terrorists Are in U.S."

Wow. She must be some sort of highly trained expert with access to top secret documents or something to know that.

"It is fair to say there are individuals in the United States who ascribe
to al-Qaeda-type beliefs," Napolitano said in an interview with Bloomberg
Television today.

I for one am grateful to our amazing government for providing such expertise on a subject no one has been talking about at all for the last ten years or so.

Seriously, where do I apply for her job? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I can do it based on the few things I've seen out of this woman. At least it's been a few months since she insulted veterans returning home from Iraq and Afghanistan. That's something.

X Men Wolverine: A Live-blogged Review

2009-10-09T22:03:00.001-07:00

Why pay $4.99 when you can read a summarized, semi-coherent rant-version of the newest-to-DVD blockbuster right here at your favorite blog? Ok, second favorite. No? Give me something here, people. I'm struggling. It's the economy.

I'm anticipating this to have some hard to follow plot lines and deep story telling, so be prepared to keep up. I'm not waiting for you.

We begin our story in the year 1840...something. Great, I'm already lost. Wolverine is a little kid and sprouting claws out of his hands already. And who does he use his newly acquired tools on first? His father, of course. I'm sure that won't cause any psychological issues down the road.

Whoa, it's a little early in the film for a montage, but here we are. Cruising through history seeing Wolverine fighting in the Civil War, WWI, WWII, and Vietnam. I'll bet they can file one heck of a PTSD claim, if nothing else.

Montage is over and Wolverine and his brother -- who has the same ability -- are part of a special unit on a special plane with some special people doing special things for a special secret government organization. I am guessing something special is about to happen.

I was wrong. They flew to Nigeria. And unless they are there to get the millions coming to them from the Nigerian bank, nothing special happens in that country.

Emergency alert system?!?!? I just paid $4.99 for this movie and they interrupt it for a TEST of the Emergency Alert System?!??!?! Oh that is super. And now that the test is over, does it go back to my movie? Hell no. It went to Star Trek. This is going to get ugly...

On the phone with the ever-knowledgeable computer voice at Comcast Cable. They are telling me I can access the movie through my DVR.... LIES!!! "No Listings Available" it says. Wait... we may have something here... "Error Retrieving Data." Of course there was. When has data ever been retrieved without error? We'll give this one more shot and then it's fire-setting time.

As hard as this is to believe, it didn't work. So with my Bic lighter in hand, I'm back on the phone with Comcast and currently jamming out to whatever passes for hold-music these days. Crazy kids and their rock music! Let's take this time to bet on what I get for a Customer Care Representative. It's a given that they will be someone for whom English is a second language, but there are a few choices within that realm. Will they be A) India/Paki-based, B) Spanish-based, or C) Ebonics-based. When in doubt, choose C on any multiple choice test, they always say.

They were... wait, the movie is back on! Regardless, I'm staying on hold just so I can find out who wins the bet.

The "special" team has infiltrated some building in Nigeria. Hopefully to get those millions they were promised in an email. Oh look, Wolverine developed a "conscience" and has a problem with genocide now. That's the problem with superheroes these days. They have no stomach for the really big projects.

So he moves to the Canadian Rockies to pursue his life-long dream of being...a lumberjack? Sure you betcha. At least he lives with a supermodel and he's not a carnie like this guy. Wait a second, that's Pippen from Lord Of The Rings. Or Mary. A hobbit, at any rate.

By the way if you didn't guess C on the bet, you all owe me money. Ha!

Wolverine is sharing sentimental moments with his hot girlfriend. I'd say that pretty much seals her fate within the next 5 to 10 minutes to be...oh it was much less than 5 minutes. Wolverine's brother is taking a keen interest in her. I think he likes her. Whoops, she must have fallen down. Or maybe she's just tired and wanted to take a nap. Blood loss will do that to a person.

Of course they fight, and of course Wolverine gets hit by a semi-truck. Just another day at the office for a mutant. And of course this leads to Wolverine getting his super-duper metal endo-skeleton. Oooh that's gotta hurt. I remember the last time the Army put indestructible metal onto all of my bones, it was no walk in the park. It's not as bad as sitting through an hour of the Rachel Maddow show, but it's pretty bad.

It was bad enough for the hero here to end up naked in a barn -- which is slightly better than in a van down by the river. But with some sage wisdom from an old man (and some free clothes courtesy of 1984), he takes off on the old man's Harley. I guess the old man didn't need it seeing as how he got blown up by the helicopter.

The Army is chasing him with what must be the fastest Humvees ever built. I've personally never seen one that can go over fifty, but they have three or four that can out-run a motorcycle. This really is a special unit. Quick question: has there ever been an action movie made without the main character walking in slow motion away from a fiery explosion? If you can name three I'll give you my Durango.

Working towards the big, climactic finish now (there wasn't much to blog while they tried to develop plot-lines), which is taking place on 3-Mile Island.

Mutants flying, sprawling, generally doing mutant things... It's an orgy of special effects. With the result being, of course, the reason why 3-Mile Island blew up. How convenient.

I'll save you the craptastically boring details of the ending. Don't you just love it how prequels try to tie everything together for you at about a third grade level? We get it. These are the same characters from the other movies. But no, they have to beat us over the head with an attempt at being "clever."

Overall a decent movie, and probably the best out of the X-Men series. I'm sure the ladies love it because Hugh Jackman is on the screen for 98% of the film. I'm guessing he had that in his contract. Like the other X-Men movies it's great for some mindless entertainment, or as a more intelligent alternative to Keith Olbermann. I wouldn't suggest running out and renting it, but it's not bad for a slow Friday night, either.

If Ever There Were Any Doubt...

2009-10-09T08:51:00.001-07:00

...about the validity and relevance of the Nobel Peace Prize.... Well, check the news today.

ZOMBIES! (Live-blogging 28 Weeks Later)

2009-10-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have seen the first 20 minutes of this movie three times. We started watching it in Iraq and every time we did, somehow it was interrupted by something so vastly important that it took us away from what I am continually told is an entertaining zombie flick. With the luck I've had, I expect my apartment to catch on fire about twenty minutes from now, seeing as how I just started it...

Well, the beginning starts off with some people boarded up in some cottage (that's what these snooty British people call a "shack" don't ya know) and... zombies attack them. Well, not "zombies" per se -- they have the "rage virus" -- but basically, they are zombies. And are they ever ragey. Full of rage, they are. Biting, clawing, running... they are fast. And do these Limeys have even so much as a shotgun? Nope. Why would they? They are hiding from people who have become raging mutants intent on consuming human flesh, why on earth would they need firearms? Why, doesn't the British government take care of all problems that guns could solve?

It looks like the main character bailed on his own wife and some small kid. Left them to be lunch. Maybe he wanted a divorce, anyway? Who are we to judge, really. Have you ever been left with a choice of fighting zombies with your hands or leaving your wife? Then stop pointing fingers, smartie pants.

Fast forward to 28 weeks later (whoa! That's where they got the title!), American military forces have quarantined mainland Britain and are pulling security while they rebuild. Hmm, I hope they are better at this rebuilding game than certain Middle Eastern countries I have recently visited. Either way, the Americans have guns. Lots of guns. That's what we do. No one ever sees Americans show up to a crisis and then says "Aww, they should have brought more guns."

Heh, the American forces are still wearing full protective equipment. Would you need a bullet-proof, Kevlar vest and helmet if zombies are the number one threat? Hmmm... No matter, it's the Army! We know how to make even the coolest of apocalyptic scenarios painfully lame.

The main character is back, and he is being reunited with his kids. The kid who became a Happy Meal earlier in the movie wasn't his; these kids were...somewhere. Away. They were away. And that's all you need to know. One is a girl, about 14, and one is a...boy? Yeah, we'll go with a boy of about 10. A really wimpy looking boy with long hair. Now there is a female Army officer who is some sort of medical "authority" complaining about...something. The kids. I would complain about kids too, in this situation. You know they are going to slow you down when running from zombies, they can't shoot (they're British kids. If they were American kids there would be a strong possibility of them knowing the ins and outs of a Glock, at least), and they whine a lot when they're hungry or have to pee. Basically a huge liability in a zombie Apocalypse.

In addition, kids ask things like they are asking now in the movie like "what happened to mom?" Well, he could tell you the truth -- that he sacrificed her to save his own skin -- or he could do what he's doing now and say that he fought gallantly until she was "bitten." What are the odds that Mom is going to show up later as a special, hybrid revenge-zombie? I say strong to highly likely.

Here we go, American sniper teams on roof-tops spying on people. Only a matter of time before the...oh, there it is. The gratuitous sex scene. That's what sniper scopes are made for! Oh and also for checking out the American doctor, who is obviously going to be of some importance because she is "wondering" what they will do if the virus comes back. I wonder, too. But for now, I'm sure everything is fine. So fine, in fact, that the kids will assuredly run into nothing harmful at all on their little "foray" out of the quarantined zone. Who saw this coming? Kids, getting into mischief? Never! And on a moped, even!

The kids are now exploring their old house and I have officially made it further than I have on the previous three occasions trying to watch this movie. And... the apartment is not on fire. Sweet! Ok, so back to the movie...whoa. Mom is back already! And alive! Sorta...maybe... ooh she is trying hard to control the zombie urge to eat the boy. But they have Mom in the decontamination chamber now, giving her one of those cool showers where instead of soap they use steel wool.

They dropped the bomb on the main guy that his wife is still alive. The kids are slightly peeved at Dad 'cause, well...'cause he just told them last night that he watched her die. Oooh boy, talk about awkward... And so what does he do when he goes to see her? He kisses her. Genius. You are a bright one. Of course she's carrying the virus. Now he is...slightly upset. And a zombie. So of course the only logical solution is to eat her. Which he does. And then claws her eyes out and goes on a zombie rampage. Are you following this? I hope so 'cause it's really complex. I mean the plot-lines are running deep, man. Deep.

Code red. That's where we're at. You heard it right -- code red. When the Army goes to that level, things happen. Things like...zombies going crazy and eating people and not a single shot has been fired yet. Man, I swear, put me in the zombie Apocalypse and I will, if all else fails, let bullets fly. Oh and the Dad is back, clawing more eyes out and turning other people into zombies. This guy is nothing if not productive. More than I can say for the Army. He's turned about ten or so people into zombies and the soldiers are busy doing a rape awareness class.

Pure pandemonium, now. Tearing and eating of flesh, people screaming... this is like a Hannah Montana concert. At least the snipers are engaged. They're the only ones shooting so far. And shooting they are. Bless their hearts. Elevated positions with scoped, semi-automatic weapons brings nothing but good things, really.

The main sniper has now hooked up with, you guessed it, the kids and the hot doctor he was spying on earlier. They have to escape the area because F-16s are fire-bombing the whole quarantined zone. See, now that is how to take care of zombies. Ominous music aside, I see this as a win for the good guys. Sure, some non-zombies probably got cooked, but that's kinda how the Army works. Finesse isn't one of the paragraphs in an OPORD.

The movie has slowed down a bit, so I would like to take this time to tell you that I watched Zombieland yesterday and highly recommend it for your viewing pleasure. I would write a full review, but honestly this is more fun and I don't think there is much point. Woody Harrelson plus zombies equals a good time.

Back to the movie, in one of the coolest zombie-kills I've ever seen, a helicopter just tipped it's rotors down into a whole group of zombies and made mince-meat out of about 30 of them. I think that qualifies as "zombie kill of the week" for sure. The sniper is toast. Literally. So my theory that he would hook up with the doc is shot. What can I say, I'm out of practice for watching movies. I'm having a tough time following the intricate nature of story development that our cultural and moral superiors in Hollywood develop throughout the course of a movie. But what I am having a really hard time understanding is that why the doc, who is now the only one with night vision -- which is on top of her M4 -- is having the kids go in front of her in the dark. Here's a thought, lead the way and have them follow. Too late, the Dad is back and he just beat the doc to death with her own M4. Which, sadly... is about the level of competence most soldiers display with their personal weapon.

In a not-so-surprising twist, the girl just capped her dad with the M4. Of course not until after he had bitten the boy. Who has the special "immunity gene." I have that, too, but it only applies to when I talk to crazy liberals.

And all live happily ever-after with the boy and girl being flown over the Cliffs of Dover to safety on an Army helicopter. Except that now there are zombies in Paris. But really, if there were zombies in Paris, would you be able to tell?

Until next time...

What Is Off Limits: A Retort

2009-09-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon this article by Rich Santos today and realized about 30 seconds in to reading it that A) the guy is an idiot and B) I would like to punch him in the face. But I can't 'cause I've never met him so instead I will just write a blog about how much better I am than him.

First of all, Rich -- or can I call you Dick? -- is obviously what we would call "Testosterone Challenged." His lack of male hormonal production therefore inhibits his ability to think clearly and rationally, making it difficult for him to, well, to not suck so bad.

I would say his article starts off on a bad foot, but that would imply that this guy can even take a step on his own without fear of offending someone.

Some work friends and I were recently discussing things that men
can not criticize their girlfriends about. It was astounding how incorrect us
guys were when trying to lay out our "rights" in terms of constructive
criticism.

Good job, Dick. You managed to completely emasculate yourself within the first two sentences of your article. Next article you write I would also encourage you to apologize to everyone of different races for being white.

He then proceeds to make a "list" of all the things that are supposedly "off limits" to talk about with girlfriends. Which I'm guessing Dick has never had, so in his world this is all hypothetical, anyway.

Weight: There is no friendly way for a guy to tell a girl that she's put on
weight. Even if there was a friendly way, most of the women I've talked to about
it said they would not want to hear it from a guy.

Most of the time, there is no friendly way to karate-chop people in the throat for being stupid, but sometimes it has to be done, right?

Outfit: I think I'm only allowed to say someone generally looks nice,
because I'm a big sissy and only do what I'm "allowed" to do.

Dude, do you wear a leather mask and get chained up at home? Are you allowed to speak unless spoken to? Go dunk your head in a tub of water until you see the wizard.

Friends and Family: We've all dated people with annoying friends. But,
people consider their friends as extensions of themselves so if you criticize
friends, you're criticizing your significant other indirectly.

You know what's a great way to go through life? Let annoying and rude people continue on with their habits, let them walk all over you, and then apologize to them for getting in their way. That way they will like you and respect you more. And you will be able to run for President.

Then he goes on to write some stuff about driving, blah blah blah... Look, the simple fact is that this guy is sadly indicative of the common modern man -- this belief that we can't "offend" women or...fill in the blank with whatever group you want permeates the thoughts of a good portion of our society. People like this guy are bending over backwards every minute of every day of their lives so that no one will be mad at them. The idea of confrontation scares them so bad that the alternative -- placating everyone in sight who isn't a white male -- seems to be a wise and logical life choice.

Here's a tip for people like Rich Santos: grow a pair. Stop worrying about how much you are offending people if all you're doing is telling the truth. And for the people who get offended at hearing the truth? Get some thicker skin and stop whining. Yes, there is a difference between criticism and people being mean. That's where this thing called your brain comes in; if you have an IQ higher than that of a shoe-box, you should be able to tell the difference.

We worry far too much about offending people. I think it's time to turn the tables on people like Rich; they need to worry about people like me slapping them in the face with a cold, hard dose of reality when I come across them. There is no such thing as "off limits" when discussing the truth. There is a time and a place for everything if it is done correctly. And if you aren't afraid of your own shadow like Mr. Apologize-for-being-alive-guy.

USA Is Better Than The Rest of the World

2009-09-08T21:59:00.001-07:00

To the tune of the new Brad Paisley album American Saturday Night.

Well, it's official, I'm back in the good ol' U.S. of A. And let me just state for the record, this place is soooo much cooler than the Middle East. Really. I know you are probably having a hard time believing that, but I'm serious. So serious, in fact, that I will now give you a list so you can follow along (people like lists, I'm told. It's all the rage).

1) Air Quality: You know what I can see here in the US? Everything. Call the airport here in Colorado and they will tell you that the visibility is only impeded by the curvature of the earth. Get that same report in Iraq and they'll ask if you can see your shoes. If the answer is yes, it's a good day. My friend got lost coming back from the shower for crying out loud, simply because he couldn't see the road our house was on.

2) Travel: Moving from point A to point B seems rather simple now. I jumped in my gas-guzzling SUV and drove -- all by myself, mind you -- 250 miles without even filling out a trip ticket with my blood type and weapons serial numbers. Nor did I have to call in my "check-points" to command. Even crazier is that I traveled over 35 mph for an extended period of time without wearing a helmet or doing a COMSEC check (shhhh, don't tell anyone).

3) Food: Well, the one downside to the food here is that it isn't free anymore (and no, I'm not just talking about the kids I beat up to take their falafels). Having three free meals a day does have its perks, but I have to tell you, food has never tasted so good as it does here. Places like Old Chicago and Chili's seem like gourmet now. What's that you say? You use an oven to make pizza? Well, sign me up. And you will bring it to my table? Well this just gets better and better. I just had a spinach, artichoke and salmon quesadilla today. Yeah, you read that correctly. You know what? I loved it. Probably because it tasted like America being awesome (and possibly because an attractive young waitress served it to me, leading me to point 4).

4) Women: Holy smokes, girls! Everywhere! And they're not in uniform or wearing a burka! Don't get me wrong, I was starting to really dig on the ninja-style fashion of Middle Eastern women, but it is really quite something to see attractive American women dressed... well, like women. And bless their little hearts for doing so. Especially this demographic known to scientists as "college girls." While not the most engaging when it comes to conversation, their uncanny ability to giggle, flirt, and wear a mini-skirt is unparalleled anywhere in the world. Most notably the Middle East, where a woman is measured by her ability to carry a load on her back and drive a donkey cart. While important qualities to be sure, they are still second-tier in comparison.

5) Communication: I wanted to talk to someone today, so you know what I did? I picked up my cell phone and called them. Yeah. Believe it. I didn't have to stand in line or pay for extra minutes or anything. I just called them and talked until the conversation was over. No one told me my time was up, the line didn't fail, and I didn't have to walk home after the call was over. Then I jumped on the internet. How cool is this? I can click on things and things happen. I don't have to plan other events like reading a book or warming up food in the microwave around loading an web page. I just click on it and poof! There it is. I can write an email of nearly any length and I will still be connected to the internet. Fascinating.

6) Movies: Yeah, we watch movies in Iraq, but something weird happened to nearly every guy I know over there -- we developed some kind of strange attention deficit problem, so movies have to be either really, really entertaining or we will make our own dialogue. Although I still have the urge to do the same here (probably to the annoyance of some), I am able to sit and relax and just enjoy the movie. I don't feel the need to swear violently at the main characters for doing something I don't like and... oh who am I kidding, I still feel that way, but that's just because most movies are really bad. Let's be honest with ourselves, there just aren't that many movies out there that don't make you want to punch the actors in the throat, are there? Exactly. Now, where were we? Oh yeah, while our movies aren't that great, they are about 18 billion times better than Middle Eastern movies. And that's not cultural bias, they will tell you the same thing over there. Have you ever watched an M Night Shamylamayayamayamayn movie? Ok, now watch it sober. Middle Eastern movies are still worse than that. True story.

7) Family (best for last): There is simply no substitute for family and their appreciation of you. Well, unless you have some kind of weird, David Koresh-type thing going on, in which case that's just wrong and you should probably get out of that situation as soon as you can. There are people out there who can help you. But seriously, I am truly blessed to have a family that genuinely enjoys spending time around one another and is grateful to have that time together. That is an under-appreciated thing, to be sure, and I am finding out how important it can be. Family and friends (those few, close friends which can be synonymous with family) and the love and support they offer can not be quantified; through the magic of technology (it's voodoo, I tell ya), service members in Iraq are able to maintain communication with their loved ones back home better than at any time in history, but the fact is that it isn't the same as being here. There is no substitute for quality time being spent with your support network (even if it involves gorging yourself with cake to the point where you can't talk to them). Time and presence supersede activities; especially after a long absence.
Oh sure, I guess they have "families" in the Middle East. Who knows. I guarantee they're not as cool as ours. We don't have to dress Mom up in a hijab to get her to make cookies, so right there we are way ahead of their standards.

At this point right now, I am trying to decide what to do with all of the stories I have about the last year. While they would make for some interesting blogging, I find myself torn regarding this being the best place to present them. Truth be told, I think that shouting them from a mountain top would with an eagle on my shoulder and a giant slab of dead animal carcass at my feet would be more appropriate, but also possibly too much for most people. So over the next few weeks I will be arranging my thoughts (shut up, I have like four or five of them) into printed text and seeing where that leads. Your thoughts and opinions are appreciated. Unless they are negative, in which case you are clearly inferior and should be subjected to a strict diet of Kenny G records.

Oh and I'm also moving into my own apartment shortly, which should provide some entertainment, seeing as how I don't have a lick of furniture. Or dishes. Or... crap, I don't have anything! Man I hope people with extra stuff are reading this so they can feel sorry for me and give me free stuff. Did I mention I literally saved freedom over the last year? It was dangerous stuff, I tell ya. But I did it. For you. No, no. Don't worry about me. I'll just be the maladjusted veteran who digs holes in the backyard because you didn't give him a bed. But I'll be fine.

Why doesn't he write?

2009-06-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I feel like the jilted, scorned lover who has been ignored and left hanging out to dry by...well, by me. 'Cause I haven't been writing. And I should be ashamed of myself for not writing, but I'm just so angry with myself that it's hard to be ashamed. Or something like that.

Ok, so what's happened since I last wrote? Well, that's a good question because I don't remember when I wrote last, ok? Geez, get off my back! I'm checking...April 10? Good gravy! I should have my writing credentials revoked. Too bad I don't have any. And if I did, are you going to come to Iraq to take them away from me? Good luck, they're presently in the process of kicking us out of this place. And we have some serious firepower.

Anyway, back to what has happened since I last wrote. Oh yeah, NOTHING. This place is like a black hole of time. Everything reduces to a singularity of slowness (that's pure science terminology there, boys and girls) while we tick off the days on our Marisa Miller calendar (we're past navel level!) and watch the temperature rise. I guess it's a positive when viewed at the strategic level that we're bored; the alternative is obviously much worse.

So, to pass the time, I've actually created at least one job for myself by doing a daily "Islam 101" lesson over secure-line Internet for a bunch of people I work with. It was started mostly to educate myself and I figured if other people can benefit, that's cool too. And I have to tell you, this Islam stuff? Wow. Seriously. I mean sure, they've got some great ideas like everything being the fault of the Jews, but who doesn't know that already? In all honesty though, I've learned some pretty interesting things that at least help me realize why certain things are the way they are over here. Maybe I could do an entire posting on the wackiness of Islam. Maybe I could also find out where that Salman Rushdie fellow is hanging out and join him.

Other events: Apparently Kung Fu died in a closet in Thailand with rope wrapped around his neck and his junk. Sad as that was to hear, let's be honest, we all laughed. Don't lie.

The Denver Nuggest finally realized that they are...well, that they're the Denver Nuggets, and lost in the playoffs.

Iran is holding a presidential election. So they can choose between....?

The movie Taken, with Liam Neeson, came out on DVD here in Iraq. Much to the enjoyment of pretty much every guy I know. And now we are all karate-chopping each other in the throat as a formal greeting because of it. Thanks, Liam.

Kim Jong Il launched a nuke. No word on if the UN wrote him a nasty letter.

Oh and I found out that white men are not as capable of understanding constitutional law as latina women. So that was interesting to learn (shot my dreams of a career in Law right down the tubes -- R.I.P. Matlock!!!).

I think that about covers it. I wish I had more to say, but the reality of it is, I have to wait until I'm done in the Army to say a lot of what I want to say. It's not that it's "classified" per se; it's that I don't want to go through the hassle of getting the Army's approval of my blog. I've seen how long it takes to fill out paperwork just to get pay straightened out, so I can only imagine what that would be like.

My plan is to write something for this whole deployment once I'm done. Possibly a multi-part series, or maybe something else. I'm not sure. Obviously hundreds of publishers have offered me millions of dollars to tell my amazing story, but it's really about the people, you know? I just want it to be told right. And by told right, I mean I don't want to leave out the part about how we painted the cat to look like Braveheart and then the next week used magic marker to give it glasses. And also how our detachment committed an unspeakable atrocity, sadly known as "moustache month."

But until that time, I will try to keep Iraq classy by smacking around as many locals as I can. In-sha, Allah, as they say...

It's Easter Weekend, And Apparently, I'm Still in Iraq

2009-04-10T01:47:00.000-07:00

To the sound of various surf-tune instrumentals.

I woke up this morning after having a rare chance to sleep in (let's hear it for Catholicism!) and, for an ever-so-brief moment, forgot I was in Iraq.

Then reality came crashing back down and I remembered where I was and what I was doing. Don't get me wrong, we actually have it pretty good here. I have my own room in a house shared by only five people. Having a house is rare enough, but a room to oneself is almost unheard of, even for most officers. Which, by the way, I have taken a great amount of satisfaction in mentioning to them whenever the chance presents itself.

That being said, we are still in Iraq. Away from all the goodness that is America, and that can be felt when we have to miss out on the excess that is something like Easter weekend. No, I didn't grow up Catholic, nor do I plan on becoming one any time soon. However, once you have gone to some one's house who makes it a point to celebrate Easter to the fullest, it is something that will be missed when it is so far away.

One of my closest friends has a family who does just that; his mother runs what may be a "house" or her "home," but to us it is "the resort." I'm pretty sure that what goes on there is exactly what Constantine had in mind when he took three parts Christianity, three parts paganism, mixed well and served to the public. It was a recipe that worked well in a popularity sense, at least. But people like NJ took it to the next level because, while they may include the whole hide-the-egg thing for the kids (and, let's be honest, I have fun, too), it's all about family, friends, eating ridiculous amounts of ridiculously good food, and probably a fair amount of chocolate, as well. Wait, I already said good food...But no matter if you were invited or show up as a surprise guest, not only will you be welcome, you will probably have a present waiting for you as well. I think I got a yo-yo last year, and I'm pretty sure it was way cooler than the gifts everyone else got.

When I was younger I struggled with the question of how pagan rituals could be tied in to Christianity and have it still be "ok." Obviously there comes a point when you learn the story of The Resurrection and, as you sit there painting Easter eggs you say "right, and this has...what to do with Jesus dying and being resurrected?" Depending on your age, you may get answers as varied as "just paint your egg and have fun, dammit" to "it's kinda complicated, and, er...well, uhh, see..." and you never really get an answer. While this does make for some comedy gold (South Park, giving you the nod here), it also allows people to grow up with more than a few unanswered questions.

If at this point you are thinking I am going to answer those questions for you, go ahead and take another drag from your bong and go play XBox (like I'm going to do in a few minutes. The XBox part, not the bong part. See, I'm in the Army and...oh, sorry. Kinda getting off track...). What I will tell you is that if painting eggs, hiding them, then eating and drinking yourself into a stupor is what brings your family and friends together, then as the Aussies say, good on ya. On the other hand, if you think it means beating your wife or children, well then my friend, that means you are living in the Middle East somewhere and you are celebrating the wrong holiday.

So, in short, make the most out of a holiday weekend. Eat some creme-filled chocolate eggs, watch The Masters, and mess with little kids' minds about the Easter Bunny being hunted by the FBI for steeling children and making them work in sweat shops. In other words, celebrate the holiday to the fullest.

Happy Easter.

Radio Blah-Blah

2009-03-06T05:42:00.000-08:00

To the tune of the Brad Paisley song "Cluster Pluck" which I feel fits this piece perfectly. I wrote this back in December and it has been "hiding" on my older, weaker, more broken computer.

A quick note for today: I am in the process of formulating a new method for training soldiers. Part of it will involve drunken chimpanzee-grappling and the return of the catapult, but I’m not going to get into that right now. What I would like to discuss, albeit briefly, is proper instruction of radio procedure. And, more specifically, that the use of “ebonics,” regardless of rank, is unacceptable on any radio transmission, but especially those used during a convoy outside the wire. Seriously, where do people think that it’s ok to talk like this in a formal setting? Or is it wrong for me to “aks” that question…?

Today was pure agony, as we sat and listened to the team who was running the convoy trying to communicate with one another, made particularly nail-biting by a certain female E-7 who apparently learned to use secure-line communication in a crack house. The saddest part of the story is, of course, that she was one of the “leaders” of the operation. It made me weep for humanity.

So, a few quick pointers for radio novices who are going in to the military or already there:

1) The use of a “break” during a long sentence when speaking on the radio was originally designed so that enemy forces could not triangulate your position because you were on the net for too long. As we are currently fighting an enemy that doesn’t even use radios, on top of the fact that EVERYONE knows where you are, this is a completely unnecessary technique, and very, very annoying (e.g. “We are loaded up, break”… “and ready to roll. Break.”…”let me know when, break”…” you are ready. Over.”). After two or three minutes of that, you will want to shoot someone in the face.

2) If you are inside the wire, the use of “break” is doubly annoying for – what I should hope would be – obvious reasons.

3) If you are having difficulty communicating between trucks and you are still inside the wire, it may be beneficial to just, I don’t know, perhaps walk the 20 meters over to the other truck and talk to them face to face. Just a thought.

4) As previously mentioned, ebonics, regardless of the setting or rank held by the communicator, should not be tolerated under any circumstances. This includes the above referenced “aks,” as in “I need to aks you a question,” as well as such gems as “fo” and "yooz,” the latter referring, of course, to one or possibly more people, as in “whut yooz need dat fo?”

Somehow this type of nonsense has become not only accepted, but somewhat normal. The Army somehow finds endless hours which can be dedicated to useful things sexual harassment classes, yet most don't have a clue as to how to use simple radio procedures. But hey, we're six months into this tour and I haven't raped anyone, so...

Since my spell check is now shooting fire and making strange noises, I think the lesson will end there. Tune in next time when we will cover muzzle awareness, Iraqi style. What, you mean those things aren't supposed to just randomly fire?

Why Does Marisa Miller Hate the US Army?

2009-03-04T00:14:00.000-08:00

To the tune of "Dirt Track Date" by Southern Culture on the Skids... don't ask.

Dear Marisa Miller,

Why do you hate the US Army? And, more specifically (and certainly more important), me?

I speak of course of the recent issue of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, 2009, and more importantly, your COMPLETE LACK OF PARTICIPATION IN SAID MAGAZINE. Seriously, what's the deal? I will tell you what my deal is: I'm a soldier currently serving in Iraq. I don't have much to look forward to besides emails from friends and family, coming home, and of course, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue which, apparently, you are too good for now.

Is it too much to ask for you to say "hey, you know what, I wasn't going to do SI's Swimsuit Issue this year, but by golly, that cool dude who I haven't met yet but I'm sure I would really like is still in Iraq, so I'm going to sacrifice for my country just like he does." Well, you wouldn't be sacrificing like I do, 'cause....well, you're hot and rolling around in waves in a bikini while I'm sucking up the brunt of a sand-storm, all while saving you from evil Russians and zombies and aliens, but you get my drift. Oh and also did I mention that I'm single-handedly protecting your freedom? Well, I am. It's just me out here between you and the Mongol hordes of Vikings (it's history. Look it up).

In conclusion, Ms. Miller, you owe it to your country, to the men in uniform (probably some women, too), to the very cause of freedom and, most importantly, you owe it to me to make up for this most egregious of errors concerning your career path. So, call your agent, pull some strings, do what you have to, but get into that bikini and start taking some pictures, pronto. The very freedom you take for granted is hanging on by a thread thinner than your bikini string already, don't make it worse by shucking your duty and saying "someone else can do it." Step up and take charge; show those younger models how it's done, and fight the good fight. Your country -- and I can't stress enough that by "country" I mean me because I am representing said country and literally winning this thing all by myself -- is depending on you. Being in the water with a bikini. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Mr. Twisted.

On Traveling

2009-02-21T06:08:00.000-08:00

Stealing an idea from my good friend Jason, I will put up the names of the songs I have in my head while writing. This is done to the tune "Glitter in the Air" by Pink. One of the more beautiful songs I've heard in a long time. This one is a bit of a departure, but it seemed right.

Traveling. To travel. It means different things to different people. To some it may be a simple trip to the grandparents' house for holiday dinner; to others a trip to a foreign country, and for a select few, maybe even a trip off of the planet. No matter what it means to others, it is a way of breaking from the norm; a trip to somewhere one doesn't go all that often. It is often an overload of new experiences and the thoughts they inspire. It can be a dangerous event or a completely sublime one that does this, and what is exciting and dangerous to some may be normal and boring to others.

The first trip I took away from the United States -- Costa Rica, 1996 -- was everything I hoped it would be and more. I saw a new land and learned how similar and yet different a culture can be to our own. It was exciting and relaxing at the same time. I enjoyed every second of it, yet I enjoyed (and still do) telling others about the experience probably more than the trip itself. Subsequent trips were equally enthralling and gave me exponentially more points of view I could draw from in my every day life. There is not a single part of me that regrets the money I spent on these trips and thinks maybe I should have bought a car or house, instead... Every penny was worth it.

Then I came to Iraq. I stopped thinking travel was cool or fun. In fact, all I wanted to do was go home and go to college and never go anywhere but the bookstore and maybe out for a bite to eat and a movie. I wanted to be home, desperately. It robbed me of that traveling experience and told me I was wrong for thinking that way. Other countries aren't cool -- they suck. Everything is dirty, you can't get what you need all the time, and sometimes people don't like you at all. Sitting on my couch and watching Telemundo sounds infinitely cooler than doing this ever again.

Two things happened in the last month that reminded me how great traveling can be. One was a trip to Australia, and the other was watching Long Way Down and Long Way Round with Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman. Both of these brought me back to that first trip and the ones after by showing me that going to Iraq with the US Army does not equal "travel" or being a traveller. Shocker, I know. But there is more to it than the obvious. When I use the word "traveler," I am describing a person whose nature it is to seek out new experiences just for the sake of doing so. One who has the desire to break from the norm but for no other reason than just shaking things up and because "it" is....out there. Somewhere. And whatever "it" is does not matter. What matters is the search. The journey. The people you meet along the way in that journey are invaluable to the growth of your soul. I learned that years ago and had it taken away from me by the big machine. Cancel that, I let myself forget what was important. It wasn't taken away because it is always there. That desire and will to seek and learn; the ability to be mobile in every sense of the word and let that ability take you wherever it can. Sometimes that is a road trip to Mexico or Canada, sometimes it's a month-long stay in Thailand, and sometimes it is giving yourself to a really crappy organization for a year so that something bigger can be accomplished. At any rate, "it" lurks inside a traveler and it can't be satisfied. I learned that again recently, and I'm glad I did. Because it was always there, it just needed to be awakened from it's hibernation.

Now, yet again, I am a traveler. This land I am in, like those I have been to in the past, is one that will shape the person that I am. It will remind me of how small I am and how big this world is while letting me remember that I am chosen to walk this path as much as it chose to let me on it.

I am reminded constantly of how little of this world I have ever seen on a daily basis. My hat is off to those of you who search out the new places, because you and I will meet in some of those places and we will be forever changed because of our paths crossing. That is traveling. That is being a traveler. It is what we do. That thirst we have in our soul will not be quenched by this trip or the next, but our lives will be better for it because of who we have met and what we have seen.

Don't stand still. Walk, run, ride, drive, and fly. Go. See all that you can and let it see you. That is who we are. We are travelers.

Leaving A Beautiful Corner of The World For...

2009-02-07T20:41:00.000-08:00

The armpit? The butt-crack?

Yes, tonight I start the journey back to the Middle East, lovely land of opportunity that it is, and leave Australia behind. Dang it, that hurts more to write out than I thought it would... Heh.

The truth of the matter is, while I am not at all looking forward to going back to Iraq, I am ready to get on with it. Knowing that I have to go back there takes a lot out of a vacation like this, as opposed to just going "home" after.

That being said, I am grateful to have the opportunity to come to this wonderful place and enjoy the hospitality shown by some great friends. I have learned a lot on this trip, both about a different country and by doing some good ol' fashioned soul-searching while being here. Tropical beaches are great for that.

To summarize, Australia is a fantastic place filled with hopes and dreams where the roads are paved with chocolate, there are always rainbows, and the children all have gum-drop smiles. A bit like an Obama rally, to be honest... Seriously though, this is a great place, and it is made even better by the people. It is very laid back here, and everyone I have met has been more than willing to open their home to me and feed me. No one offered me their daughter, though, and I must say I'm a bit disgruntled about that. I mean, is that really that much to ask? Yes? Well that's not saying much from a country started by thieves!

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, Australia is really cool. And way cooler than Iraq, for many reasons. Most of which are too lengthy to go into here, but I think the key point to touch on with this presentation is the complete lack of WAR seems to be a huge selling point for this place, as opposed to the other one. Which I am already getting sick of talking about. See what you made me do? Now I know why celebrities go crazy; the fans can be so demanding...

In short, I would like to mention that politics seem pretty similar here to America, the food is about the same -- save for the beet root they put on hamburgers... yes, really -- and "football" consists of way more people on the field trying much, much harder to pummel each other just for the sake of pummeling. Oh and in no way, shape, or form do I understand Cricket. At all. Nor do most Australians, from what I have gathered. When I ask them to explain it, after about 6 intelligible words they just kinda trail off...and...mumble...a lot. Then they try to pass it off as being the accent. Yeah, right. Fess up, ya wankers!

So my next post will be from the joyful land of Iraq, and with any luck they will reassign me to the bikini-model escort/protection detail I requested. I filled out all the proper paper-work, so I really don't see how they could deny me. I am that good, people.

Until then, think how much fun I will be having as you complete a full day of work and houshold chores, as well as probably watch a movie, and realize that I am still on a plane.

Carry On My Wayward Bulldozer, There Will Be Peace Down Under

2009-01-28T06:17:00.000-08:00

Ok, the last couple of weeks is a bit of a blur, sot this one is going to be quick and dirty.

When I left Iraq, I was having trouble sleeping due to nightmares involving bulldozers. It's a long story that will be recounted soon enough, but suffice to say for now that when one gets stuck in a marsh near the Tigris, it's not exactly an easy fix to get it out. The lesson to be learned here is to call for an extraction crew when it gets stuck, rather than after 3 unsuccessful hours of trying to extricate it. I mean, seriously, what's the worse that could happen if you call early for help? You get it out and tell them to not come? Whoa, that's crazy talk. And definitely not the Army Way. Instead, we turn what could be a good idea -- flame throwers and heavy equipment are mega-cool, right? -- and turn it into a 17 hour version of The Oscars: a lot of glamor, but no substance and poor execution. And way too few Sean Penns on fire. Have you ever used a flame thrower? I haven't either, and after seeing one in person, I am, to say the least, hugely disappointed. Perhaps my vision of another Sodom & Gomorrah was a little presumptuous...

But all is better now, because I am relaxing for my two weeks of leave on the warm, Sunshine Coast of Australia. It is a wonderful place where people talk all funny and don't know how to use a correct system of measurement to save their lives. Seriously, "liters of petrol." What the blarney... Get with the times, mates. And I'm about tired already of trying to cross a road on foot and nearly getting run over for not looking the "right way." I'll show you the right bloody way...

I do think, having seriously studied the idea, that the Army should grant me extra leave to study the effects of American Soldiers on....Australian.... girls. Yeah. That sounds right. I think an extra, say... 16 weeks should cover it? Call your Congressman. I think I've got something here.

The Aches and Pains of Bichegan.

2009-01-02T17:12:00.000-08:00

Yes, that is really a place name here. Whether it came from a huge fan of the state which actually claims Detroit as its own or from someone too retarded to spell – or speak – it correctly, I do not know. What I do know is that when a semi-retarded guy who lives in the village of “Bichegan” tells you that he has a weapons cache to take you to, take heed, for it is probably a waste of your time. At least it was for me, as we waited many, many, many hours after we found this “cache” for EOD to come and take it. And all I get for my troubles is a neck with lightning bolt shots of pain arching down it for my trouble. At some point in the past year I believed that my previous injury wouldn’t bother me that bad if all I were doing was wearing body armor. Well, shame on me, I say. Shame on me.

That is all for now. Too much pain for me to continue to write. I will attempt to spin a wonderful version of today’s non-events when I am feeling better. Toodles.

Oh Those Golden Hills

2009-01-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

November 28, 2008. Yet another trip to the area known as Golden Hills. This is the same general neighborhood where I “walked” my first mission, and also the one place in this particular AO (Area of Operations) that has the biggest potential to kick off in an orgy of violence at any given moment. Today I wasn’t walking, however. I was back to my regular spot in the gun turret of our Humvee. While it isn’t the most exciting place to be at this point in the war, it does give me a better view of the countryside and, on days like today, helps create a burning desire within me to kick small children in the chest.

It works like this: our vehicles pull into a neighborhood and set up 360 degree security. Then everyone except the drivers and gunners of each vehicle dismount and do whatever it is that particular day’s mission calls for – usually talking to sheiks and local leaders about general concerns. If this happens to be in a regular neighborhood where families live, it is then the job of the children to come out to the vehicles and harass soldiers by begging for whatever it is that pops into their cute little minds. And in case you are picturing a bunch of cute little street urchins similar to what could be pulled from the pages of a Dickens novel, scratch that thought. I would sooner draw a parallel to a horde of Urokai from Lord of the Rings.

Don’t get me wrong, the kids mean well and they are always very happy to see American Soldiers. They wave and laugh and are eager to talk to us. They are also eager to beg for…anything. And everything. But mostly pens. Man oh man do they ever want pens. Why, I do not know. And if you gave them each a pen, it would be about four seconds before they asked for another one. As another soldier remarked, we could open an Office Depot on every street and there still wouldn’t be enough pens for these little rapscallions. But they will take other stuff, too. Oh yes, they would be more than happy for some food. Or candy. Or water. Or bullets. I had one small boy today ask – by way of pantomime – if I could shoot at his feet while he ran away with the machine gun. Sure, I could see that being fun and in no way dangerous or counterproductive to our mission here. But that doesn’t stop them from asking. Repeatedly. And regardless of whatever answer was given them. I was probably asked for pens and candy no less than fifty times by the same kids. Persistent little buggers, I tell ya. What’s funny is their reaction to us saying no; a frown, followed by approximately four seconds of pouting, and then some sort of time-matrix, worm-hole phenomenon occurs and it goes back to the beginning where they ask the question as if it is for the first time. Scientists could make millions by studying this, I am sure.

What I find most interesting is that the parents allow this to happen. I am not amazed about allowing children to ask strangers for free goods (in the U.S. we call this “welfare”); I am intrigued by the concept that a foreign Army has vehicles on your street with machine guns manned by guys who are dressed like urban-camouflaged Storm Troopers and the guardians of these children see no problems in allowing them pester the soldiers to no end. Let’s suppose that the Russians had invaded the United States. After a few years of being there, they pull their vehicles into your neighborhood to talk to your local police chief who they have helped put in power. The soldiers pulling security are on edge due to years of danger, they are in a bad mood from not enough sleep and wearing indescribably uncomfortable gear, and they are itching to unleash thousands of rounds of ammunition upon any possible threat. Do you as a parent tell your child A) ”go and play on the other side of the street, away from the big scary guys with guns,” or B) “go ask those soldiers for everything on their body and in their truck, and if they say no, cry for a second and then ask again. A lot. Over and over. Then get mad at them when they say no and point at their guns and make fun of them.” Seriously, what the hell?

Perhaps it is that, after the regime of Saddam and a threat of al Qaeda, nothing scares them. Maybe they know that Americans are good guys with “rules” they actually obey. Or it could be the culture, the Middle East has known so much war and they place so much emphasis on the Will of Allah that they figure, “hey, let the kids play with that bomb. They will live if they are meant to.” Hence the phrase “imsh Allah,” which means, in essence, “if God wills it” follows nearly every sentence in a conversation. But whatever it is, this is a land of children with no fear. And maybe that is a really good thing. I suppose that if children ran away screaming every time we came by, it would be a sign that we were failing, or that the bad guys were near. Either that or they found another way to get pens.On a side note, one of the places we stopped today there were no kids. It was at a security station located on the side of the main road – route Tampa, the main road through most of Iraq. It was here that I witnessed what was probably the most disturbing thing I have seen since I have been here. With no kids to watch, I was being mildly entertained with a dog on the side of the road who had been nursing its puppy. Then it became hungry and started sniffing for food, which it found quickly and began devouring. And what a meal, it was. Complete with all the trimmings of a post-Thanksgiving Day meal, too. If, that is, your definition of “all the trimmings” means eating something that looks exactly like yourself. Seriously, you know a place is bad when even the dogs are messed up. It would be one thing if it was, say, a German shepherd eating a Chihuahua. But the “meal” for this dog could have been its twin. How wrong is that? Probably not as wrong as us taking pictures of it and showing to everyone, but still pretty wrong, I say. At least it didn’t get mad when I didn’t give it any candy.

Thoughts on being here:

2009-01-02T17:10:00.000-08:00

Iraq. Just the name is likely to bring up several different knee-jerk reactions when mentioned. It has been a talking point of our culture for long enough now that the images it conjures can be as varied as the people talking about it. So, does coming here give me an “enlightened” perspective that is somehow more valid? Doubtful, but I can tell you what I think.

My original opinion on the United States coming here remains the same: it was the right thing to do at the time, and I believe that, although not perfect, the justification was valid. I wrote an entire paper on the reasons we came here and I still stand by the reasons given (I did get an “A” on it, anyway…). I will not go into those details here; suffice to say that George Bush led a country into doing exactly what he said he was going to do, and the public crucified him for it. I believe he was right, even in some instances when he may have been wrong (the whole being greater than the sum of its parts). However – and this is a big “however” – what we are currently doing here in this country as of November 2008 is, in my opinion, somewhat pointless.
Let me qualify something here: when I talk about things being pointless, I am not speaking from the standpoint of a liberal, bunny-hugging college professor who got his PhD in Smug by looking down his nose at those less educated. On the contrary, I speak of things being pointless from the perspective of a guy who has seen the inner workings of the United States Army in many of its forms and has come to know a great deal about how it operates. And the talking point to be gleamed from that knowledge is: it doesn’t.

Let’s take, for example, my current occupation in the beloved US Army: that of a Psychological Operations ATL (Assistant Team Leader). Our job in PsyOp is to first, analyze the perceptions of people; second, to then assess their vulnerabilities; and third, to use those vulnerabilities to persuade them in some way. Now, if that sounds high-speed or secret-squirrel to you, that’s because you are not where I am. Because I can tell you what that really is. It’s called “marketing.” Seriously, we are an advertising agency for the Army.

And how can that not be a good thing, you may ask? For several reasons, some of which are quite obvious when you think about them from a different point of view. Let’s look at where we are in this war: There is no defined enemy, per se; we are essentially fighting the equivalent of gangs who wander from village to village, staying with various relatives and friends. They have no base of operations or tactical command center to take orders from, they simply…exist. Much like a criminal who goes from town to town robbing liquor stores, these people do not operate from some pre-planned, maniacal scheme to usurp the great Satan; they just…do.

This leaves people in my position two options. One, we can analyze the perceptions and vulnerabilities of the bad guys (good luck), or we can do the same for the general populace and hope that their idea of security is the same as ours and they will turn these dudes in when they see them or find out where they are. Surprisingly enough, this works a lot of the time. But here is where I get to the pointless part. Earlier on in this war, PsyOp’s job was relevant; they gave out numbers of who to call to turn in a bad guy, they told the public who the bad people were, they even told the public what the Army was doing so they wouldn’t be scared. They did all of this while the Infantry was blowing stuff up and kicking in doors, so that we could “win the hearts and minds” of the general populace. Now, five years in to this thing, everyone knows who to call, the most wanted list here is probably shorter than the one back home, and everyone already knows what the Army is doing (which, even in the case of the Infantry, is centered around winning hearts and minds). To top all of that off, whenever the Army does whatever it does, it essentially takes credit away from the Government of Iraq (GoI) and says to people “yeah, we’re still running the show.”

Most of the problems we are facing here are no different than the problems we face back home, and if we try to fix them, it actually prolongs the problem. Let me give you an example. If I were to ask the average Iraqi “hey, how are things going for you and what do you think needs to be done,” they are going to tell me that they want more security, they want better schools for their kids, and the roads in their neighborhood suck and need repair. Well I’ve got a hundred bucks for you that says you can go into a city council meeting in Anywhere, U.S.A. and hear exactly the same complaints. But the funny part is that it doesn’t matter if you fix it or not, because those things will always need to be better; it will never be enough. The difference here in Iraq is we are screwed either way. If we fix it, people see us as still being in power and it invalidates the GoI. If we don’t fix it, people are pissed off and blame the U.S. for coming here and ruining everything (never mind the fact that we actually fixed quite a few things that people just weren’t allowed to complain about under Saddam).

One would think, then, that what PsyOp should be doing is teaching the Iraqi government how to do its own marketing to convince their people that they are doing the right thing and are large and in charge. Well, that’s what my idea is, anyway. But we are not doing that. What we are doing is walking out on patrols and interviewing people so that we can hear them tell us the same things over and over again. Handing out any kind of printed product at this point in the game has little effect because they have seen so much, and even if they hadn’t, it takes us a month to get it printed up and sent down here due to all of the red-tape we must march through just to get tangible work produced by our own people. The loudspeaker on our truck is equally worthless because the Infantry and Cavalry units have discovered, get this, bullhorns. They are easy to use, weigh about 2 pounds, and don’t require an entire vehicle to carry around or an engineer to run (because I’m pretty sure that our loudspeaker was built by Thomas Edison as one of his, uhh, early projects). A novel concept, to be sure.

Now take what I have just given you and extrapolate it into the rest of the Army. Except (and here comes the scary part) the Big Army works much, much less than we do. We of the small FOB tend to actually go outside the wire on a regular basis; there are several thousand soldiers and airmen at a few big bases in this country who not only never leave the base, but exist in one of those “limbo” environments where no one really knows what it is they do. Maybe nothing. Or maybe they exist and get deployed just so the rest of us who are doing nothing outside the wire can feel as though we have a big support network behind us.

I came here believing in what we are doing. And although I still believe that the US coming here was the right thing, I have had a change of heart regarding us being here now. In my own, humble opinion, we could leave this place five minutes from now or five years from now and it would have the same result for this country. The only difference being the result it would have in ours. I, for one, am still in favor of us pulling out of here and taking over Haiti. It’s never too late to make that place a tropical casino-island. Until, that is, someone else does it first. (To be continued…)

Iraqi Soil

2009-01-02T17:09:00.000-08:00

Today, November 23, 2008, I finally stepped on Iraqi soil. The joke for the last few weeks has been that, although we have been here for a month, every time we have left the base I have been in the vehicle (either in the turret or in the right front seat) and have not placed my feet down outside the base. Well today that was fixed. I went on a patrol with one of the platoons (or “squadrons,” or whatever… I can’t keep this Cavalry thing straight) to talk to a few key leaders in the area and get an idea of what is happening.

And now that I have done so, I am confident that I am fully educated on the subject of Iraq, how things are going, what to do next, and also how much more valid my opinion is than anyone else. No, really. I think I could be President of the United States now. I mean, I think I have more experience than the new guy, anyway. So, why not? To be honest though, if you are looking for some amazing insight on the subject, it ain’t here. And by “here” I don’t just mean this blog; I’m talking about walking around this country. I’m here to tell you, there isn’t much going on here that one cannot figure out by doing a very small amount of reading on the subject. No, there is no substitute for being here, but I think that people expect this to be some crazy, exotic place with people completely different from themselves when in reality, it isn’t. In fact, what stands out to me the most here is that the differences are not what most American citizens would imagine, but neither are the similarities.

An example: when asked what they are concerned with, most Iraqi citizens will answer with “security” or “our children’s schools” or even “the condition of our roads.” Boy, that doesn’t sound at all like someone on Colfax Avenue in Denver, Colorado. The sad part is, even if you gave all of it to them, it wouldn’t be enough and they would want more. Just like home.
The flip-side is, the differences aren’t quite what the average American citizen would expect. For instance, did you know that people here will actually go out and plant a bomb in the road to kill policemen, rather than just shooting at them like in the ghettos of New York or L.A.? I had no idea, and quite frankly I find it appalling. I mean, what do they think this is, a war zone? The nerve… Seriously though, the things people hear about like Sunni/Shia conflicts are vastly overplayed in the media. I would bet that the violence between Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland is more based on religious differences than the crap going on here. The vast majority of contention here would be more closely compared to inner-city gang violence than historically-based religious conflict. It’s more along the lines of “there was a guy in the next village who killed a guy in our village, so we hate them.” “Oh really? When was that?” “About ten years ago.” So…we have kind of a Hatfields and McCoys thing going here… Honestly, how do you deal with that? It’s the equivalent of someone from San Francisco offing someone from Texas and the entire state of Texas then holding a grudge against everyone in the state of California. Which, now that I think about it, they probably do. Damn queers! Wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Iraq is a weird place, man. I mean, I was talking to this Sheik named “Case” and a bunch of guys brought out some chai tea for us. Ok, first of all, guys? Dude, you know that’s, like, a woman’s job, and stuff, right? Second, this chai stuff is pretty effing good. What did you put in it, cocaine? Seriously, this beats the crap out of anything at Starbucks. You should maybe sell this stuff internationally. I will run your marketing campaign.I think I had a point somewhere in there, but it probably got lost in the back of my brain after inhaling this chocolate bar. We are pretty starved of stimulation, so that may have put me over the edge and everything after this point could get really weird. Tune in next time when I talk about how bad guys are caught using our super-secret detective skills. “Do you know who did it?” “No. Well…maybe. It’s my brother.” Until then…

“I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these years…”

2009-01-02T17:08:00.000-08:00

November 20, 2008. The words from the Brad Paisley song “When I Get Where I’m Going” are ringing in my head today after playing it. That phrase in particular struck a chord with me today for some reason. I realize that I carry a lot of guilt over past mistakes and wrongdoings in my life, especially when it concerns relationships I have been in. Most of them, I have known from an early point that they would not work, but for some reason (on a couple of them) I have kept it going, anyway. Why do I do this? And, more importantly to you, the reader: why the hell am I talking about this on a diary about being in Iraq? Aren’t I supposed to be telling stories of death-defying bravado and stopping terrorism? Or at least a story about some monkeys jousting from tricycles? Yes, I am that in tune with my readers; I know the questions before you ask them. However, this all ties in to me being here. How so? Glad you asked.

Coming straight from my gut and being as honest as I can, there is a large part of me that came here so that I could “get right with God,” so to speak. Yes, I do understand that, in the larger, Biblical sense of spirituality, only faith and forgiveness can accomplish that task. One may only attain a relationship with God by accepting His love and asking for His forgiveness. However, a big part of one’s relationship with God is also being right with one’s own self, and what it takes to be at peace in that arena is different for everyone. The alcoholic would benefit from a long trip to the mountains with no booze; the thief would gain from spending time in a place where material possessions mean little; one who is desperate for attention would do well to have a time of little or none of it, etc. The point being, I do not feel right about my place in the world, and have not since the loss of my love. It’s not that I haven’t experienced happiness since then; quite the contrary. It is simply that the world – and specifically my place in it – doesn’t quite make sense to me anymore. What better way to find my way than in the middle of a war zone, taking place in a land where civilization began?

Yes, I had already been in the Army, and yes, partly the reason I came back was because I was afraid of being called back involuntarily. As true as all of these are, a major driving force in my return has been the search for a bigger meaning and my place in all of this. I have always believed that the best way to “find yourself,” so to speak, is to focus all of my attention on others and on something much bigger than myself. I started to lose sight of that in these last two months; the horrible training and the even worse leadership had brought my moral to a new low. But the line in that song, talking about shedding all of the extra weight we carry on our shoulders, rang more true for me here and now than ever before. By coming here, I have shed everything extra in my life; I no longer have a phone, I can’t meet any women or carry on a relationship with the ones I know; the only possessions I have can mostly fit on my back and in my hands, and all of them are some kind of green or brown and somehow relate to either taking a life or saving one.

That is the raw essence of life. That is human nature stripped down. This is me at the simplest level I will occupy, probably for the rest of my life. It is liberating and scary as hell at the same time. We laugh and joke about it, but the possibility of death lurks not too far back in everyone’s mind here. The possibility of every phone call made home, every email sent, and every package received being your last puts your brain in a place it has never been. Sure, that can happen at home, too. But here it is a thought that is right there, lurking. Waiting. The bad guys are right outside the wire. There may not be many of them anymore, but there are still a few, and let’s be honest, we all know it only takes one. This forces your mind to think in ways it never has. Even on a subconscious level, you prepare yourself and you prepare those around you. You drop little lines to your buddies “if I’m gone, just remember this…” or “hey on a quick, serious note, be sure you get this to my family…” No one wants to spend a lot of time talking about it because they’re afraid of jinxing everything (I don’t care if there is no basis for it whatsoever, I guarantee even the most scientifically minded person in the world would become superstitious in a place like this), but everyone wants to say…something. And we all do, even if it is our own, strange way.
Which brings me back to my original point: in coming here I had hoped to purge myself of a few demons by tackling something much larger than myself and in so doing, hopefully feel that I had done something worthy with my life. I now see, even early on, that I was wrong in believing I could do that. I know now that coming here has not made me worthy of life and not “cleansed” me in any way; what it has done is stripped me down to the bare minimum. It has forced me to reevaluate life from the most primal level by taking away the freedoms and luxuries of normal life. The silliness of relationships is fading into my memories even as I write this, only two and a half months in to this deployment. I see now that this will not answer any questions, but rather silence the dull roar of complexity in my brain. Much that is regarded as important becomes less so when you wear the same clothes every day and instead of checking to see if your hair is ok before your date, you are checking to make sure you have your M4, ammo, water, and night vision before you go out the door. And also when you have to go to sleep to the sound of two other dudes snoring all the time, but that’s another issue…

Yes, I long for the normal life again where I can think about other things. And by no means do I believe that this is a cure-all, or that it will fix my problems. But I realize that this will change me, hopefully for the better, in a sense that my priorities have shifted. Yes, I would still love to meet a woman and have children with her. But if or when a crazy one comes along whose personality shifts from day to day and hypocrisy is her middle name, then I will no longer be upset about saying “goodbye.” I will simply know that she needs to go find her own war to fight in. We all do, sometimes more than once.

MRAP mission to JBB and “training” (Written on November 19, 2008).

2009-01-02T17:07:00.000-08:00

November 13, 2008. After finding out from our HQ that it was to be our team tasked to go handle a situation with some MRAPs at JBB, I talked my team leader into staying behind so he could work and I took our PsyOp Specialist to help me take care of it. What I thought would be a five minute operation (I was told to “hand off the keys” to three MRAPs and that was it) turned in to a two-day operation involving more headache and stupidity than I thought possible.

It worked like this: our team had the keys to three MRAPs, which I was instructed to give to the transportation unit so they could load them on trucks and take them to FOB Speicher where our HQ is located. This would allow the other teams to pick them up as well as get all of our drivers trained on them. However, when I arrived at JBB, the transportation people looked at me like I had a weiner growing out of my forehead; there was nothing whatsoever scheduled in terms of moving these vehicles. And what was more, the locks had already been cut off of them so that they could be moved. This meant that my entire reason for being there was pointless. Never the less, I decided to try and get them moved, anyway. The people who ran the MRAP yard (where our vehicles had been sitting for over a month) kept reminding me how bad my chain of command “screwed me over” by dumping all of this on my lap. You see, most of the information required to request a movement of vehicles like this is privy only to a command element. So, why didn’t I just pick up the phone and call them, you ask? Here’s where it gets fun: A) I didn’t have their number, B) if I did, the only type of phone they have is a secure line (SIPR net) and the MRAP yard doesn’t have those and C) even if they did have them, they are down most of the time. Or no one answers. Needless to say, I had to pull a lot of things completely out of my butt to make this happen. Which is great, because it’s only about 3 millions dollars worth of vehicles that are now… somewhere. And they may get to their destination… sometime. No matter to me, as I did everything I could do, and with the help of some seriously great civilian contractors I managed to get everything on the right track. They saved me, for sure. At any rate, after about 20 hours worth of hair pulling it was all set. I hope.

To say that all of that sucked even more of my already low motivation out of my body would be an understatement. And I paid the price for my ambivalence over the past couple of weeks. After going to the range with our team, the team leader became rather pissed off that I had not been training our young soldier on some relatively simple tasks, and that I was not up to speed on a couple of issues, either. He was right; I had lost so much drive due to the last two months that I put no extra effort into anything at all. I faulted myself (and still do) more than anyone else, and so it was that Playstation 2 Hockey would have to go on hold for a bit. Back to the physical fitness regime I had stuck to in Colorado and back to being a mentor to a kid who has a lot of potential to be a great soldier. Check that, he is a great soldier; he just needs to be given the tools which can help him succeed no matter what path he chooses to take his career. That is my job to do and since being in country I have failed miserably at it.

The one part that bothers me about all of this is that my team leader is in much the same boat as me; a former active duty infantry guy who is less than impressed with the Army Reserves. He is an intelligent guy, but a number of the things he got bent out of shape over, guess what? He’s not any better at it than I am. Granted, two wrongs do not make a right, but I prefer not to be treated as a child by someone who can’t do the job right, either. Where my screw up counts is that his job and mine are different, and I said early on that I would take it upon myself to train our guy up. I had not. Nor have I done everything he has done in his job. I think the issue is that for the last two weeks, I have been doing a lot of menial crap-work that has kept me from doing what needs to be done. Spending 5 days at JBB to un-screw a command issue and 2 or 3 days burning trash does not lend itself to a lot of training time. I realize now what needs to be done, but I must put my foot down in regards to other tasks –especially those that are not mine – when they come my way if it impedes my ability to do what is right. That coupled with the fact that most of what he was pissed off about are things that he is unable to do any better than me (and the fact that he is in worse physical shape than I am) put me in a foul mood yesterday. But today is a new day; we are training, Iraq is slowly slipping into chaos around us, and I have a machine gun. It’s gonna be a great year.

JBB Trip and New President

2009-01-02T17:06:00.000-08:00

And so it was that TPT 1277 (that’s us, by the way) took its first trip to JBB (Joint Base Balad, formerly known as Anaconda). JBB is the second biggest base in Iraq, only slightly smaller than Camp Victory in Baghdad. We were looking forward to going, as here at FOB Paliwoda the amenities are pretty scarce. The word was that the PX at JBB is pretty big, so thoughts of movies, music, coffee makers and DVD players were on our minds. What greeted us was what I will refer to simply as absurd. JBB is in no way reflective of the country it is in; it is bigger than most Army posts I have ever been on, with more luxuries than I ever had at places like 6th Ranger Training Battalion or Ft. Benning. Two PXs, both containing more crap than one would know what to do with, and two Recreation Centers, each of which having a nicer gym and movie room than any base or military facility I’ve ever seen are at each end of the base. There is also a movie theater, food courts at each PX, and dining facilities capable of feeding gourmet meals to thousands a day. Because, you see, JBB is home to somewhere around 35,000 military personnel as well as many more civilians and TCNs (Third Country Nationals). But here’s the kicker: only 6,000 of those ever leave the wire. This means essentially that the rest of those people’s “deployment” consists of living a life of luxury, collecting a tax-free paycheck, and only enduring inconvenience in that they are away from their families for a year. Please don’t misunderstand me here, I am grateful that these people are there doing what they do. It is a great service to their country and they should be proud of what they do. However (and this is where it becomes difficult to describe to those outside the military), what is incredibly aggravating for those of us who live without the basic luxuries and go out in to the cities and towns (where there are quite possibly a good number of people trying to hurt us) on a regular basis, is to see these people who work 6 hours a day in an air conditioned room, going to movies and having every luxury of home talk about being in a “combat” zone. And what is even worse is how many high-ranking people there are at places like that whose sole purpose in life is to go around and correct people on their uniforms. Because that is what I want to have after riding around in a machine-gun turret all day, is some fat, out of shape sergeant major who sips coffee all day telling me I should put my cover on. Hey Sgt. Major, would you like to go for a ride? Yeah, I thought not. Suffice to say, we hated JBB and couldn’t wait to come back to our little corner of the world where it takes less time to walk to the dining facility than it does drive to the one at JBB; where it takes longer to put on a pair of boots than it does to walk to the Post Office – which is only open on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. Probably because the guys who run it are out on patrol the other days of the week. My kind of place, I say.

But in between our driving to JBB and coming home, apparently our country elected a new President. I had heard something about them doing that… Heh. Seriously though, it has been interesting seeing the reactions from people in the military. I have been slightly surprised by how many have been Obama supporters, to be honest. Then again, as I have come to realize in the last few months, my entire time on active duty was spent at a very unique place; the rest of the Army in no way reflects what I experienced there (most of which is not for the better), political stance being no exception. I came from a place where about 98% of the soldiers were staunchly conservative. I am learning that this is not at all the case in the rest of the Army. As for myself, I have become rather ambivalent about the subject since coming here. No, the guy who won did not get my vote and I would rather have seen the other guy win (even though I am not a big supporter of him, either), but I’m just not too excited about caring right now. Personally I think Obama is a whole lot of fluff and not a lot of substance. However, a lot of what a President is – as I am learning even more so being over here – is the face of a nation. And for the last 8 years we have had a hyper-active cowboy who takes no grief from anyone driving this monster. Maybe putting a different face out there is an ok thing, even if it is just for show. Perception is, without a doubt in my mind, about 90% of reality. The world has viewed America for the last few years as sort of war-mongering. I don’t believe that this is true, and I could argue endlessly why I believe that it isn’t. But if most of the rest of the world believes it, then for better or worse it is perceived as being the truth. Possibly having a complete sissy-pants as President for a while will change that. And yes, I know what you’re thinking: everyone will think that Americans are a bunch of sissy-pants by proxy. One, I believe that the American soldier, not the president, has proven recently that to be untrue. Part of the reason we are doing well over here is because the Iraqis finally figured out that Soldiers aren’t going to give up just because they don’t have air-conditioning and Playstation (joke’s on them, we have both!). Two, if that perception does become reality, then we will then elect, by landslide, the next Ronald Reagan just as we have elected the next Jimmy Carter this time. Now, aren’t you glad you stopped by this blog for a super-keen explanation of how things are going? I bet you are. I know I’m excited. Let’s go raise some taxes, I’m psyched.

Third mission…

2009-01-02T17:05:00.001-08:00

November 4, 2008 (election day). We protected the band! No really, they actually had us on QRF for the 1st A.D. Army Band, which played in downtown Balad. Quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever been a part of, to be honest. Had I been blown up trying to protect the band, boy would I have been pissed. I really thought we were going to take fire, but miraculously, we had nothing happen. Except for the band itself detonating explosives without telling anyone else about it before hand. Hey, I have a good idea, let’s make a loud boom in the middle of a concert in a country wracked by IEDs. Good thinking. Oh well, I can’t complain too much, as it was a boring day and it really wasn’t too hot. I’m not looking forward to the summer. Tomorrow we head to JBB for some… reason. I have no idea, but I’m going to the PX and buying some useless crap! Oh and also maybe find out who the new President is.

Second mission…

2009-01-02T17:04:00.000-08:00

November 1, 2008, we took our first trip in to the city center of Balad. And oh what a thriving metropolis it is. Actually, it really wasn’t too bad, and seemed much the same as many other large towns in third-world countries; dirty, trash-laden, and teeming with people who seem to be going…nowhere. Seriously, do these people not have jobs? Uhh, no. That’s why they are in the state they’re in. I did get a kick out of the amazing amount of free-roaming donkeys the town seems to have, though. That’s a new one for me. I’ve seen elephants used as fork-lifts in Thailand and giant sea turtles in Costa Rica cruise right on up to a restaurant, but never a gang of donkeys cruising through the streets.

First mission…

2009-01-02T17:03:00.000-08:00

Today, October 29, 2008, TPT 1277 took its first successful mission. By defying danger and cheating death, we drove to Al Baab and did…something. Not really sure what, because I sat in the truck and pulled security while talking to Bernadette (outgoing TPT member). Mildred and Rosemaire walked into a village and talked to some locals. This was after a short trip to a market place near Balad to drop off a trailer full of… contraband maybe? Sure, we’ll go with that.

At any rate, it was our first actual “mission,” and everything went smoothly. So far our time here at FOB Paliwoda has been pretty tame. We can hope that it stays that way, as excitement would probably mean bad things are happening. And as it stands now, the area of Balad seems to be progressing quite well.

We are currently working for the 3/2 Cavalry unit of the 101st Airborne Division, but they are getting out of here within the next few weeks and being replaced by a Cavalry unit out of the 25th I.D. So it will be interesting to see how they do things, as well as if they can maintain the peace that has, for the most part, been established.

FOB Paliwoda Stories

2009-01-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

Twist has sent me a long blog of stories from different days that he has spent "over there." I have not edited these much at all, but will post them in order.... He wanted me to share them. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did.

~Kell

On Life and Love

2008-12-13T15:34:00.000-08:00

On life and love…

Here I sit, almost directly in the center of the country of Iraq, nearly six years in to this war, and almost all I can think about is my love life. Or, more appropriately, the lack thereof.

A quick recap: I just passed the three-year anniversary of the day my soul mate died of cancer. There isn’t a day of that time gone by that I have not thought of her, and how much I miss her. A year ago at this time, I was involved with a woman who I very much believed I could be happy with; who I could share my life with and share hers. This was a feeling I had not thought I could have again. Now I sit half a world away in the middle of a war zone, single as can be, and not a soul to carry on my name if I should not make it back.

Is this a “woe is me” essay? Certainly not. It is more of a statement regarding my mental state during a very interesting time in my life. A year ago, I fell in to a trap of convincing myself I was in love with someone who was very wrong for me. I did so, in retrospect, because of my own loneliness, and my own inability to recognize how detrimental it can be to base a relationship on not wanting to be alone. I have seen friends go down that path many times, only to criticize them for it. Perhaps that was why I so desperately hung on; I refused to believe I was guilty of what I had been so critical of others doing.

And so it was that I foolishly wrapped my brain and heart around a woman who did not deserve it. I changed things about my life that I previously would never have done. I lived a lifestyle that was not mine and forced myself to believe it was the right thing to do, to keep hold of a woman who, in the end, only hurt me as well as others.

So why did I do it? Why did I believe that I was doing the right thing, when somewhere in the recesses of my puny little brain I knew that it was wrong? Is loneliness that much of a driving force? I believe that the answer is yes, it is. Of course, the question then arises, can it be mitigated, and if so, how?

When I first got to know K, I was in a place where I believed that “the one” did not exist; that it came down to finding a woman with whom a mutual attraction was shared, and enough commonalities existed so a good life could be made with them. She blew the roof off of that and showed me perfection could exist. And not just perfect in the common understanding of the word – where everything is hunky-dory and smiles all the time – but in a way that opened new doors which were previously not just closed, but unseen. Perfect in a way where someone whose faults are your strengths and vice versa; someone whose imperfections only make them that much more perfect, because they are imperfections which coincide with your own. To meet someone who challenges you in that way is remarkable by itself; to be attracted to the person and have them feel the same is a rare gem, indeed.

The point being, although I was lonely and looking for someone, she turned my world upside down by showing me “someone” would not do; I had to be shown that someone who is truly special will do for you what no one else will. So after losing her, my brain went from being totally in love with the perfect woman for me, to never wanting to be with anyone again, to finally believing – once again – I would have to find “someone” who I was attracted to and could be happy with. I did, and I tried like hell to make it work. Unfortunately (or luckily, as the case may be), she turned out to be someone who did not appreciate my efforts and, quite frankly, was bat-shit crazy to boot. Yet, because of my mental state when I met her and my efforts to convince myself I was in love with her, I am now torn up over not having her. I know she is bad for me, and I know she is a very unstable person, but here I am. Yes, it is stupid.

Which leaves me in my current state: do I try to find a woman with whom I share a mutual attraction and enough commonalities to carve out a life together, or hold out for that perfect someone (even though I believe that I have already met her)? Or is there a third option; to embrace loneliness as a way of life, and accept it as reality. I am, after all, very blessed in many regards. I have my health, my physical and mental abilities, a family that loves me, good friends, and above all else, a God in Heaven who accepts me and watches out for me. Is it selfish to want more? Yes, but that is also human nature. It is not an excuse, just a plain and simple truth.
The advantage – or disadvantage, depending on one’s point of view – I have, is that I can do nothing to change this for quite a while. The next 300 plus days – God willing – will be spent with me in the land where time began and things like dating and finding one’s soul mate are not exactly at the top of the list of priorities. I know after a year the answers will not magically become known to me, and I will come back to a world where it is just as confusing as it was when I left. But I do believe that the time away will do me some good. I think the lack of opportunity to date or meet women will force me to accept this current state as my reality. It is who I am, for now. I am not a husband or lover or a boyfriend or a father; I am a soldier. That is all.

And for now, that is all I need to be or should be. God put me where I am, and if He wants me home to do other things with my life, He will get me there. It is not my place, especially at this time, to question that. So tomorrow we embark upon what has the potential to be the most dangerous mission we will go on for quite some time. The 1st Armored Division Army Band has decided to play a concert in downtown Balad, and we are part of the QRF for the event. I can’t really say this is the smartest idea I have heard of since being in the Army, but hey, what do I know? I’m just a lowly sergeant. Who am I to say this is a giant target of opportunity for anyone and everyone in the area who may have some leftover bombs they didn’t know what to do with. “Hey Ahmed, did you say you were looking to get rid of that mortar round? Well guess what…” Yeah. Not cool. Lol.

What I do know is that I will be downright pissed off if I get blown up or shot over some crap-tastic Army band. I may even sue.

Until next time…

P.S. I wrote all of this before the mission, which went off without incident. Much to the surprise of, well, everyone involved. This was also written before I had an epiphany regarding my recent relationship over which I was spending way too much time thinking about: mainly that things which had happened quite a while ago (and eventually leading to the demise of said relationship) suddenly made sense in the overall picture. Some things I should have seen a mile away at the time because they were obviously lurking in the back of my brain waiting for me to discover them. Suffice to say, I am no longer upset or sad in any way, shape or form for not being with this person anymore. And I have to say, it’s a pretty cool feeling, even if it was also a Homer Simpson-like “d’oh!” moment when it struck me. Kind of a “holy crap how did I not see that at the time” thing, which I am sure everyone has gone through. It just happened that I finally realized it while in Iraq, of all places. Well by golly, this trip was worth it, then!

And as a second P.S., this was also written before I came upon some “knowledge” about said relationship that cleared a few things up for me. I will qualify that by simply saying, it’s a small world.

The Smell Here in Iraq is...Phenomenal

2008-11-15T23:20:00.000-08:00

Let's just begin by saying that this whole "war" thing is vastly overrated. I know, I know. You had hopes that it would be all Black Hawk Down/Saving Private Ryan/Road Warrior-ish. Not so much. Well, except for the vehicles. They are definitely something Mad Max would be proud of.

Although I am stationed at one of the small FOBs (Forward Operating Bases), I am at one of the big ones right now to square away a giant mess involving the aforementioned cool-guy vehicles. And I am here to tell you, for those of you who haven't been over here, this base is much, much nicer than you think. And over 80% of the people assigned to it never leave the wire. Which means that they are only "deployed" in a sense that they are away from their families. Don't get me wrong, it is a noble thing they are doing. I am thankful for it in every sense. What I find humorous is that people back home think everyone is "at war." The vast majority of these soldiers and airmen go to work every day just like you do; the only difference is that they carry a rifle (poorly, I might add) and do so in a stinky, dusty place that you can't leave.

It has been a serious eye-opener being here, seeing for the first time the "big Army" in action. I can tell you that, so far, I am not impressed and I want to run away screaming as soon as I can. As all three of the loyal readers know, I came from a small world in the Army -- 6th Ranger Training Battalion -- where training actually meant something; how you carried yourself was of importance; where people realized that you did things a certain way because if you didn't, you died. Or someone else you were with did. The big Army has lost sight of that, and things like wearing a reflective belt at night so cars don't hit you has become more important that physical fitness or weapons handling skills. Going to Cinnabon to get your Chilatta takes precedence over knowing battle drills.

I could go on, but the sad fact is that "the Army" as people from the outside think of it only exists in very small pockets -- namely the infantry and combat arms-specific fields. For the most part, the military is just civilian-like jobs with uniforms.

Speaking of which, the vast amount of civilian contractors here is amazing, and most of them wear uniforms as well. Interestingly enough, while I was in one of the offices here, this guy walks in and we stared at each other for a minute in disbelief of running into each other here. I worked with him on a couple of civilian details in the past, and it was quite amusing meeting in a place like this. Small world.

I wish I had more to say about the actual job, but most of what we have been doing is changing out with the old unit and preparing for the new. Hopefully we will get to do more work soon, as it has been pretty boring up to this point. And it should be quite interesting what happens in this country after the first of the year. After all, our new President elect personally promised me a unicorn and a Gulfstream flight home right after he takes office. I believed him. Totally.

I do have a lot more writting saved on my computer from this trip. The problem has been that I can only get online with the public computers and it is only for 30 minutes at a time. Which makes it a bit difficult to respond to all the emails as well as write here. I finally got a chance to get online with my laptop, but none of my writing has been edited, so....here we are. But tell all your friends and congressmen that this blog will soon be fully operational with regular updates and stories of saving the world. Or maybe just Iraq. Or maybe just the street we're on. I think we'll start from that and work out.

By the way, if you want to imagine what it's like here, just imagine southern Arizona/New Mexico/Texas, except everyone on every street dumps their trash right in front of their house rather than, say, a garbage can. And it never gets picked up. That's pretty much it.

Until next time...

"Training" Part II

2008-10-01T06:29:00.000-07:00

Holy smokes, I actually shot some live rounds! And it was from a moving vehicle!! Now, granted, this was 20 minutes of training out of a 14 hour day, but by golly that was some good training.

Other than that, it's a whole lot of sitting around and developing our minds with some wicked-good conversation topics, e.g. debating whose movies suck more, Vin Diesel's or Keanu Reeves'. Its stimulating, I say.

Beyond that, I'm not going to lie to you, your tax dollars are completely wasted. Well, except for the MREs. Mmmmmm packaged food....

Train Up

2008-09-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

As previously stated, Twisted Sense of Funny (TSOF for you military types) will be opening up shop in the land where civilization began within the next 6 weeks. In preparation for this little jaunt with the United States Army, yours truly is currently in train-up for the trip.

But before you go thinking that this implies some sort of high-speed, tactical, put-us-through-our-paces stuff, take a second to consider this: as of today, I am a day short of two weeks into this, and I have yet to fire one live round of ammunition. Is that important? Gee I hope not. I have, however, stood in a line that was literally five hours long so that I could have a financial advisor ask "need anything taken care of? No? Ok, you're good to go. Next!" What a monumental let-down that was; after that long of a wait, I was expecting to be cashing in on some Nigerian banking scheme or something.

At any rate, training should start picking up pretty soon as we begin to get the administrative details taken care of. What I am most concerned about is the fact that I have yet to see anything regarding "rocket-shooting motorcycle training" on the schedule at all. And I, for one, do not feel safe going overseas without being properly instructed on my equipment. Which brings me to my second complaint: that I have seen nothing related to "rocket-shooting motorcycle issue" on the schedule. Is it too much to ask to have proper gear when deploying? Apparently so...

Updates may not be as often as I would like, but hopefully the posts will become more interesting with the development of, say, something happening. This, as of yet, has not occurred. So I leave you with me sitting and watching the 9/11 anniversary memorial happening in New York City (at the same time of the morning which the event happened) and thinking back to when this long, strange trip of military service began for me. Oh and also there is a Major sitting next to me who is snoring like a little baby. How cute.

We Should Have Been Sneakier

2008-08-22T16:15:00.000-07:00

But, alas, someone tipped off the coppers.

Once this gets cleared up, our Ninja skills will be much better. We will own the night. And possibly our parent's basements.

Flat Earth? Sure. Where do I sign up?

2008-08-14T13:07:00.001-07:00

Knowing that there are good people out there like this still standing strong (like the ones mentioned in the last post) makes me think that everything is going to be alright.

I mean, for a while there I was starting to worry that all the sheeple in the world just believed everything they were told by "them." Now I know, thankfully, that hope remains alive.

Wow.

Eye Opening

2008-08-11T19:08:00.001-07:00

Thanks to a link off of Hot Air, I have now become aware of not only one of the greatest websites ever, but a chart that is quite possibly the end-all be-all of explanations for how the world turns.

The absolute best part of this chart? That your favorite twisted blogger is a part of it!! If you look at the icon for SOCOM, right below it is, that's right boys and girls, PsyOp. How good is this PsyOp program? Good enough that I had no idea I was part of a conspiracy that ran the world, obviously. Apparently we are part of some master plan that involves, among many, many other things, the fabrication of a "Doppelganger Bogeyman" named Osama bin Laden. Wow, are we talented or what? I for one am honored to be part of a unit with such an impressive track record. If I play my cards right, I could move up the chain all the way to the Bildeberger Group, and maybe even become a Rothschild (I do have a desert camouflage Yamika now, so the sky should be the limit there).

Of course the genius doesn't stop with just the chart. Oh no. The website from which it originates has got some real gems of knowledge to pass on, as well.

From the heading "War on Terror":

And why do many prominent experts agree that the primary results of the War on
Terrorism so far have been the resurgence of the heroin trade out of
Afghanistan, the promotion of extreme anti-American sentiment abroad, and the
erosion of domestic civil liberties?

Right. Because Afghanistan was a bastion of hope, prosperity and economic growth until we showed up. And note the inclusion of "prominent experts" without so much of a foot note or qualifier. That's totally credible. Plus, civil liberties have obviously erroded completely, which is why their blog....doesn't....run. Yeah.

There are several more bits of wisdom to be gained from this site. So many that I can't list them here. I think the most interesting (and scholarly!) part of the site is when they hyperlink something in the middle of a statement....that leads back to their own website. Again, this shows not only superb scholarship, but limitless credibility as mentioned above. We are all better people for having this on the World Wide Web (which, by the way, not just anyone can get on!).

Why Twisted International Will Be The Greatest Thing In The World (And change the way you live your life)

2008-07-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in the previous post, Twisted Sense of Funny is going international and will see first-hand what this whole "Middle East" thing is all about. I, for one, am supremely excited to sit with my Toshiba atop a camel and blog about the intricacies of things like Sharia law, proper wear of a burka, and how to make that "lulululululululululululu" sound in my throat.

But why is this important to you, the reader? Let us count the ways, my friends.

Political. Eventually, Twisted Sense of Funny will become so huge that politicians will visit regularly to seek insight on not only international conflict, but how to better incorporate ninjas into movies, television, and our public educational system. You want to get in on the ground floor of something like that.
Social. At some point, you are going to be a hip party and some really hot girl/guy/hermaphrodite is going to say "oh, did you read Twisted's latest post? So intriguing and thought provoking, don't you think?" Do you want to be the complete tool, drooling in your drink and wondering what they are talking about? I don't think so.
Religious. People, I am going to be living in the center of where it all began. Cities where Abraham lived and homos were burned surround the area I will be operating in. So there's a pretty good chance I could get to the bottom of why Arabs don't like Jews. Do you want to miss out on that?
Cultural. Most of you have seen Arabs on television, but have you ever read a highly-biased blog from a white guy who likes to make fun of people who are different, writing about them? That's better than an Anthropology course at Cambridge, dude.
Economic. What is the biggest economic issue of our day? No, not the home ownership thing. No, not the job thing, either. OIL! Sheesh. And where am I going to be? Saudi Arabia! Oh wait...no, not there. Somewhere near there, though. So that's pretty important. I think.
Dramatic Entertainment. Will Ahmed finally tell wife # 4 that he loves her more than wife #2? Will he finally stone wife #5 to death for not giving him a son? Stay tuned to this blog, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to find out.

As you can see, it's not so much a matter of debate as to the importance of reading this blog over the next year; it's a vital part to the general make-up of you as a person. It is about how you will define yourself for years to come, and it is about how you will shape the world around you. Really. I'm not kidding. Just ask me, I'll tell you.

Review and Preview

2008-07-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

Things have been a bit hectic, and will get more so that way in the near future, so I will give a quick rundown on happenings past, present, and future.

A few weeks ago, I was talked into attending the Army's WLC (Warrior's Leadership Course) for the sake of future promotion. Sound high-speed? Yeah well, it's not. At all. In any way, shape, or form. It is, as a matter of fact, probably the most ridiculous thing I have been a part of so far in my Army career. And that, my friends, is really saying something.

Allow me to preface what I am about to write with short note. One day I hope to write a more encompassing and detailed view of how the Army could revamp its training to better train its soldiers and save the taxpayers vast sums of money while doing so. It is a subject that I am passionate and serious about, and believe my argument to be a well thought out and valid one. This post, however, will be more along the lines of a bitch session. Just to be clear.

WLC, for starters, is the first in a series of courses the Army uses to "develop" its NCOs (and, incidentally, a course I have been avoiding taking since 2003). One needs WLC to make Staff Sergeant, and subsequent courses to advance further in rank, etc. In theory, taking an E-4 or E-5 and putting them through a two-week course about leadership is a superb idea. And were it done right, this could be a valuable tool. Courses on principles of leadership, team management, the psychology of training/fighting, and personnel development would all be examples of classes that are NOWHERE TO BE FOUND at WLC. In place of those is instead a trip back to Basic Training with room inspections, uniform inspections, conducting physical fitness formations, classes on equal opportunity, and (my personal favorite) marching in formation and classes on how to do so properly. In a word, mind-numbing.

Here's the real kicker, no one in the Army takes this course seriously. Everyone knows it is a joke, and does it because it has to be done to get promoted. I watched the men of the 2nd Ranger Battalion dropping off their fellow Rangers to attend the course, their expressions said it all: have fun with the nonsense, it's a complete joke. In fact, the only people who do take the course seriously are the instructors who are, in my opinion, part of a dying breed; those last remaining members of the "old-school" Army who still believe that buffing a floor and marching in formation is the best way to instill discipline in a soldier.

Here is an example: as with nearly every course in the Army, the first thing to be done is the APFT (Army Physical Fitness Test). Push-ups for 2 minutes, sit-ups for 2 minutes, and a 2 mile run for time. Well, this is the new Army, see. The standards have changed to accommodate...everyone, apparently. So the passing of the APFT is no longer mandatory for the completion or graduation of the course. However, and this is a big however, at WLC soldiers are also tested on how to conduct a PT formation -- lining people up, stretching, extending the formation, the verbiage used to do so, and how to finish it, etc. This is actually a fairly detailed process, and remembering how to do it all is somewhat difficult, especially for those of us who have never done it, and were never a part of a unit who did it since basic training. I honestly didn't know that it was actually used outside of basic training, to be honest. Well, it is. And it is tested at WLC. And it is mandatory for completion of the course. Yes, you heard that right. You don't actually have to be in shape, or know how to get others in to shape, but by golly you better know how to march them out to the PT field and you damn sure better use the right words once you get there.

Is this how we develop leaders? By ignoring the standards and skills required to survive on the battlefield? It gets better. Next came "weapons immersion." This is just a cute way of saying "you are being issued an M-16 and you have to carry it everywhere with blanks in it." Super. Their reasoning? To make soldiers more familiar with carrying a weapon so that when they go overseas they won't do something stupid. Ok, fair enough. But during the briefing we discovered that, should a soldier have a negligent discharge, that would be a warning. And if he had a second, that would be a stronger warning. And if he had a third...well, they might think about doing something. But if there was a fourth, dammit big Sarge, we are going to seriously consider dropping you from the course. Ummm....what?? A few days later, while people were cleaning in the barracks, one of the females nearly started hyperventilating over the fact that I wasn't buffing my floor, saying "this is serious." I looked at her and calmly said "I can fail the APFT and notionally shoot four people in the face without them kicking me out. I don't think they will if my floor isn't buffed." For me, this falls under the category of the Army itself not taking the course seriously, so why should I. Arrogant, perhaps. But valid, none the less.

Keep in mind, this isn't about me complaining because it was tough or hard or the suck factor; I have been through R.I.P. (Ranger Indoctrination Program), SFAS (Special Forces Assessment and Selection) and lived and trained at a Ranger Battalion for almost three years. I know what hard is, and I know what being "in the suck" is about in a training environment. And because of that I also know that training of that nature is hard and it sucks because it has to. That is the nature of it. WLC is not hard at all, and the "suck factor" is in no way the same. It doesn't fulfill a purpose. There is no selection or weeding out process (a good 10% of the class would have been dropped from the APFT alone). It's just a lot of nonsense for the sake of, well... because they've done it that way for years, don't ya know.

I could go on (and probably will in more detail at a later date), but the fact is that my time at WLC was cut short due to a dental issue. Apparently a massive infection in the root of a molar going all the way to the jaw bone is a big deal. So, after having that taken care of I was sent home for missing "too much time" of the all-important WLC. Yeah, no way I could have ever caught up with that high-speed class. They gave me the option of finishing the class and having the surgery done at home, but being a Reserve soldier, that meant possibly paying for it out of my own pocket. No thanks. On the off-chance I should decide to further my time in the Army, I will just attend the course at a later time.

On that note, most people who read this probably already know, but in case there are still a few out there who don't, I will be mobilizing with my unit to go to "The Big Show" overseas in about a month. Basically what I'm saying is, Twisted Sense of Funny is going International! I can see all kinds of opportunity for crazy blog-posts with this endeavor. I'm pretty sure that The Middle East is completely wireless now, so I should be able to blog from just about anywhere. Good times, I'm tellin' ya.

But until then I am sitting at home, training, studying, and... watching some really bad television right now. Maybe I'll do a post about that in a few minutes. I seem to have a lot of aggression built up after the last few weeks, so maybe unleashing it on what I am watching will provide some good entertainment.

Until then...

My Ship Has Come In

2008-06-24T07:56:00.001-07:00

Well it's been a good ride, folks. But I received an email last night which is, for lack of a better term, my golden ticket to a better life -- and a big goodbye to this crappy one!

Apparently the Central Bank of Nigeria is in possession of a $19.5 million inheritance which has been reserved for me and only me (and possibly the president of the bank). I know, I know, it sounded a little fishy to me at first, too. But take a look at how it is signed:

OFFICIALLY SIGNED.
PROF. CHARLES SOLUDO.
GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA.
C-B-N

That's right, Officially Signed. And below that was a picture of him. In a suit! You don't fake stuff like that. You just don't.

But why me, you may be asking? Well my friends, the best explanation is that sometimes good things happen to good people, and sometimes great things happen to great people. You see, what it all comes down to is that I am better than you. And the great people of Nigeria recognize that, which is why they selected me. Rather than you. I know it stings, but use it as a learning experience. Maybe if you were stronger, faster, more attractive, or perhaps just...better than what you are, then they would have chosen you. But they didn't, as evidenced by the completely personal email addressed to me and explaining that I have been chosen. Above you. And everyone else in the whole world.

So try not to miss me too much. I'm off to Nigeria where fortune and glory awaits. So long, suckers!

Greatest Athlete Debate

2008-06-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

After reading the Wall Street Journal article I saw linked today on the subject, I felt the need to weigh in with my super-duper high-speed opinion (because you care, dang nabbit). The WSJ, which is, in my opinion, an outstanding source for political writing and world events, obviously is quite lacking in the department of athletics.

A few things jumped out at me upon viewing the list and reading the reasoning behind it. One, I don't see any cyclists or triathletes. I don't think anyone pushes their body to the limits as much as they do. Two, I see a boxer on the list yet not one MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) fighter. Wrong answer. And three, there's a baseball player on there. Eh? On the top ten athletes in the world?

First off, I disagree with a ranking of this type anyway. But it makes for good conversation so let's pick it apart and I will address each of my three complaints for the fun of it.

Roman Sebrle: I think a decathlete is a great choice, even if it's kind of a stupid sport to go into. I mean, these guys obviously have insane athletic ability and chose a sport to dedicate themselves to that will eventually take them....where, exactly? Oh yeah, the Olympics are great, but then what? Basically you would have to get a real job after that. Pssshaaw. Whatever.

Lebron James: Meh. Yes, basketball players must be great athletes. I know that. But is there any need for serious strength? Endurance, yes (both muscular and cardiovascular). But actual strength required is very little. Putting him as #2 is pretty weak.

Floyd Mayweather, jr.: A phenomenal athlete, to be sure. However, why a boxer and no MMA guys? A boxer trains one thing: boxing. This requires speed, strength, endurance, hand-eye coordination, and mobility on one's feet. MMA, by comparison, requires all of these, but on an entirely different level. One must be good at boxing, kick-boxing, wrestling, and Brazilian jiu jitsu if they have any hope whatsoever of competing at a decent level. Not to take away from Mayweather, but if he were to step into the ring with a top level MMA guy (take someone at his weight class like Urijah Faber or BJ Penn) and he would get worked over in a matter of a minute or two. There is no aspect of athletics that an MMA fighter can be lacking in to be good.

Ladainian Tomlinson: I think this guy should be higher than Lebron, because he has to execute athletic skill -- speed, coordination, power -- while men twice his size are trying to kill him. Awesome.

Roger Federer: I used to think tennis was gay. Then I competed at Wimbledon and won like five titles and gained a little respect for it. Still gay, but pretty cool, I guess.

Sidney Crosby: Another who should be higher than Lebron James. Hockey players must have incredible hand-eye coordination, stamina, strength, and pain tolerance. In terms of "toughness" I would argue these guys are as high as football players and fighters.

Liu Xiang: Sorry dude, jumping over little things in your path does not warrant top ten status. Maybe if people were trying to tackle you while you did it or something, but....no.

Jeremy Wariner: Does being really, really fast for 400 meters warrant "Greatest Athlete in the World" status? I've seen some dudes on the show COPS that were wicked fast for that long, but then they usually get hit by a car or fall off of a wall or something and break a leg. Unimpressive.

Ronaldo: Anyone who knows me knows I love to play soccer. And I believe that these are some of the greatest athletes in the world. However, two areas where they are greatly lacking (usually) is in upper-body strength and toughness. The whole "diving" issue -- i.e. faking an injury to get a call -- has become so out of hand it's hard for me to even watch the game. I think that they are tougher than they let on, but they need to start proving that to the world.

Alex Rodriguez: Again, seriously? Ok, does baseball require tremendous hand-eye coordination? Absolutely. Does it require power (albeit in short bursts)? Definitely. But what about speed? Not unless you are a base-stealer (rare). Endurance? Neither muscular or cardiovascular required to be "great" at America's pastime. Is anyone trying to hit you with the bat? No? Let me know when that happens and then we'll talk.

I would sooner put Tiger Woods on this list than a baseball player. Some people don't think of golfers as great athletes, but consider this: part of sports or athletics is the relationship of mind to body. In any sport, an athlete must face the "demons" in his own mind. Be they fear of being in front of people, fear of getting hit, fear of just plain losing, etc., every athlete must conquer and silence these demons to perform at his/her best. Where golf is different than other sports is that a golfer does not "react" to an opponent. This means that instead of relying on muscle memory and training to create a visceral, primal response, he or she must think their way through the action. All while under the watchful eye of everyone, and with only their own thoughts screaming in their head. Those who have not done it may think that makes it easier; not even by a mile. When a hockey player has a puck flying at him, or a fighter has a punch shooting at him, their brain and body react to this based on training. After thousands of hours spent in training, muscle memory takes over and creates an almost primal response without consciously being aware of it. A golfer has too much time for this, and is "reacting" to a completely stationary object. This window of time actually works against the golfer, as it provides all the opportunity in the world for those demons to creep in. That is why, when discussing the relation of mind and body, a golfer ranks as high as anyone.

My own opinion? Being a soldier who takes fitness development pretty serious (as it can be paramount to success in the job), I look for ways to condition myself in the most appropriate way. What I have found is that MMA fighters and the way they train is probably the most grueling as well as being the most intense type of training out there. No other sport requires every skill set that makes one an athlete developed at such a high level. I believe that cyclists and marathoners (triathletes, obviously) have MMA guys beat when it comes to endurance, no question about it. Yet they lack development in hand-eye coordination, lateral movement, brute strength, and the threat of being injured from an external source. No one is trying to punch you or kick you while you are running a marathon. Football players and hockey players would come closest in this category, but their work-period is rarely longer than one minute. Take a look at this video for an example of MMA-style conditioning (and this training doesn't even address the actual skill set development, which would also have to be undertaken).

Overall point, do I think that MMA fighters are the greatest athletes? No, because I don't think that you can compare realistically from sport to sport. It's tough enough to compare within the same sport (was Ronnie Lott better than Jerry Rice? Two different skill sets, but both were amazing), so going beyond those boundaries is next to impossible. I would just like to see MMA receive the respect it deserves. One, because these guys are tremendous athletes, and two (more importantly), this is absolutely superb training for military and law enforcement. Both the mind and skill sets needed transfer directly into high-intensity conflict careers and can not only bring a soldier or police officer to a higher level of operational ability, but can potentially save his or her life, or the life of someone they are trying to protect. Not necessarily because the soldier or officer will be engaging in a brawl, but the mental preparation developed from this training is exactly what one needs to stay calm under pressure.

Am I biased? Of course I am, but keep in mind, I just defended golf for crying out loud. No one defends golf when talking about athletics. But also remember that I am an aficionado of athletics in nearly every form, as it shows not just what the human body is capable of, but what the mind can drive the body to accomplish. No one rises to the top in any sport solely on athletic ability; they must also posses the mental attributes needed to drive them to a higher level, as well as fight out the demons which will most certainly convince you that you aren't strong enough, fast enough, or good enough to win. But doggone it, people still like you.

Psychologizing My Brain

2008-06-03T18:58:00.000-07:00

Want an update on the last month? Sit down, strap in, and hold on; it's going to come at you fast and furious.

The end of April brought me to the awe-inspiring Ft. Dix, New Jersey. Which, as we all know, is world famous for.... uhh..... ?? Anyway, moving right along... the purpose of my visit there was to become qualified as a Psychological Operations soldier in today's illustrious Army Reserves. Sound high-speed? If it did, then my first job as a PsyOp'er is successful because that means I got you to believe some wickedly inaccurate propaganda. Well, unless of course your idea of "high-speed" is ten-hour sessions of Power Point, seven days a week. If that be the case, then there was no need to PsyOp you because you have already been PsyOped by someone whose Kung Fu is way stronger than mine.

To put it bluntly: I never been so bored in my entire life. High school went by quicker. At one point an instructor asked a friend of mine a question. As opposed to most people in the same situation who would try to fake an answer and make it sound as if they were paying attention, he responded with a confident "oh I have no idea," and promptly went back to his happy place. When we asked him later about it he said "seriously, I had no idea what the question even was; I was thinking about boobs." That about sums up where most of our minds went just to pass the time.

In all honesty I have no idea what half of the classes were about. I have a pretty good handle on what it is that PsyOp does -- a tactical, strategic version of a marketing campaign -- but most of the classes ran together so badly that I'm pretty sure I actually designed several space stations in my brain while trying to stay awake. Heaven forbid that the Army uses examples from businesses who make billions convincing people to buy things they don't need -- Nike, Budweiser, seat-belt makers -- they feel that reading and re-reading manuals first developed in the 1950's is just progressive enough, thank you very much. I tell you this, if the leaflets we dropped on the North Koreans aren't lesson enough for the future, then I guess this job is just not the place for you.

Where the real comedy came was when we all went out in to the woods for a "Field Training Exercise." I use the quotations because, well, it was only the "field" in a sense that we weren't at the barracks, but rather about ten minutes from them staying in a prison camp. Added on to that the fact that a large portion of the 69 students came from jobs like "legal assistant" or "graphic artist." Really? They have graphic artists in the Army? News to me, but here we are. And seeing people like that in the "field" is nothing but a good time. If you can't laugh in those situations, you're not human. One day I ended up with a guy who was a Military Intelligence specialist -- who also had a PhD in Biological Chemistry, go figure -- as my driver. Upon giving him direction on which way to turn, his response was to turn, look at me, and say "are you sure, sergeant?" No man, it was just a suggestion. We can ponder it and analyze it for a while, if you would like? Maybe do some research? Yeah, we've got time. Maybe even put it before a committee? Wow. To his credit, however, the guy was pretty smart and I have no doubt that he is exceptional at what he does. As long as split-second decision making is nowhere near his job description.

As with nearly every military school, this one seemed to be more about checking the block rather than providing quality training. During the FTX we would be handed a new mission and a change of leadership in each team 4 times a day. After running a couple of missions, one of the instructors criticized us for our lack of security and basic tactical awareness. So our next mission, those of us who had been in the infantry changed things around. At the end of the day, the head instructor told us "you guys are not infantry. You need to worry about the PsyOp mission only." Mixed signals much? Yes please, I'll take two servings. Where the funny comes is in seeing how rattled some soldiers get by this; getting all worked up because of conflicting guidance given. The simple fact is, there is no need to worry about it if the instructors aren't even on the same page (a fact that a couple of them freely admitted to us while in private).

By the end of the course I was truly wondering if I had made the right decision in terms of job choice when coming in to the Reserves. Were it not for some very high quality individuals that I met and will be working with, I'm really not sure what I would do. Just like everything else in life, however, those you are with can make or break it. And I can say that I am truly honored -- and humored beyond belief -- to be working with some of these people.

Since returning I have been doing a lot of PsyOp work on my own brain. It's a complicated story and involves one of those "moments of clarity" that would take digging deep into my brain, and that's kind of a scary place to be honest. Let's just say that things are much clearer now up in the ol' noggin and leave it at that for now. After all, there can be only so much psychologizing in one sitting. So excuse me, I'm gonna go zone out for a bit and think about boobs.

If There Were An Award For Biggest Geek Ever...

2008-04-24T15:09:00.000-07:00

It would go to me, because I would be wearing these pants (and looking mightily hot, I might add).

I think that's the nerdiest thing I have ever seen. But at least now there is a standard: "Hey, what's the nerdiest thing you've ever seen?" Well my friends, now that question can be easily answered.

Keep Your Head Up

2008-04-17T13:41:00.000-07:00

A collection of hockey hits to remind everyone that it's playoff season. Go Avs, go Sharks.

A classic battle of two incredible fighters (is it wrong to laugh at that? Morally, I mean...).

An extremely rare glimpse at one of the deadliest of all Ninjas -- the drunken Street Ninja!

And if anyone wonders why I am currently immersing myself in Brazilian jiu jitsu rather than, say, kung fu or something like that, here would be one example, and yet another here if you're bored.

Quick Book Review (And Then Back to Funny)

2008-04-17T12:49:00.000-07:00

Liberal Fascism by Jonah Goldberg. Go buy it right now and read it. Now. Go. Hurry up.

Seriously though, this is a fascinating book that basically centers on what fascism really is and how, in today's society, our ideas of it and our understanding of "right" and "left" when concerning politics is, essentially, a bit skewed (and not all that accurate).

Filled with page after page of "whoa, I didn't know that" and "I never thought of it that way" type stuff, the book is incredibly well researched and worth every minute of your time if you are at all interested in the nature of politics today and the history behind it. I can't recommend it highly enough for someone interested in history and/or current affairs.

I won't bother with the details (read the description at the link provided) unless the debate happens to kick up in the comment section (from any one of the four of you who still read this blog).

Update: The blog for the book and answers to some criticism of it can be found here.

Disgraceful

2008-04-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not even sure where to begin with this one...

Let's suspend our belief in reality for just a minute and actually subscribe to the nonsense that is the debate on global warming. Does that make it ok to compare it to what can be regarded as one of the most heroic events of the 20th century by American service members?

Update: Hot Air, as usual, beat me to it for commenting on it.

Here's where it doesn't make sense to me: for the most part, the concern of global warming lies on the left side of the political aisle (correct me if I'm wrong). The same side which, by and large, is adamantly opposed to war of all kinds these days. Unless, as I'm seeing it now, it can be used for "propaganda" for their own cause.

Am I missing something?

Getting Serious For Just a Minute

2008-04-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been listening to the album The Warrior's Code by the Dropkick Murphys quite a bit, and today I happened to look at the lyrics to one of the songs. For the most part, I am not a lyrics guy; I won't even really pay attention to the words of a song until I've heard it a number of times. But a couple of their songs struck me as rather poignant, and this one in particular hit me hard after reading their description of it in the liner notes.

I thought about reprinting them here, but for certain reasons I decided just to provide the link. So follow that and click on the green tab to the right of the song "Last Letter Home" (it's the 13th track). Then read the reason behind the lyrics and song at the bottom. It's not the greatest song, but the words are pretty powerful for obvious reasons.

And, if you have time, do yourself a favor and read the lyrics to "Green Fields of France" while you are there. Them Irish know how to bring tears to your eyes, by golly.

Alien vs Predator II (Aka the Culmination of My Being)

2008-04-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

Do you have any idea of the full-fledged awesomeness that I am about to partake in? If you are like me, then of course you do, and are completely jealous of the fact that, at 9:06 a.m., I am sitting down to watch Alien vs. Predator: Requiem while still in my shorts and t-shirt (pants are way overrated). If, on the other hand, you are not like me and you have no idea what this movie is all about, I think that you should probably be banned. And no, I don't just mean from this blog; I'm talking about life and all of its pleasures, as well. Suck it up, loser. You just don't match up.

Ok, I just hit play, so this could get pretty wild real fast. Do your best to keep up, 'cause I'm not waiting for you. These plot lines are bound to be thick and twisted, so if you have a headache or something, it's probably best that you just sit this one out.

The movie starts where the last one left off, with the Predator guys in their spaceship and an Alien popping out of the chest of a Predator that died. It also appears that they have kept a lot of live "sample" aliens for future use. I'm sure that won't come back to haunt them. The ship crashes back to earth where a guy and his son are deer hunting in the woods. Oh they are gonners for sure. Yup, the dad just lost an arm from acid Alien blood. Dude, didn't you see the movie? That stuff burns!

Now we see the sleepy mountain town nearby... oh super, it's in Colorado. First Red Dawn and now this. And people think I'm silly for stockpiling all these weapons and Cheerios. Oh good, it looks like the local law enforcement found the wreckage of the space ship. They'll know how to handle it. They always do. Small town cops are known for their awesome skills in action movies. Whoops. False alarm. The sheriff only found a bum in a sewer. My bad, the lighting in this movie sucks.

But we are introduced to what appears to be the hero of the story. How do I know? 'Cause he's a geeky kid who delivers pizza and gets beat up by the popular jock. These kids always end up as heroes. And get the girl. Which makes....no sense, whatsoever. Back in the woods, the guy who was hunting with his kid just up-chucked an Alien out of his chest. Whoa, so did his kid. That's not going to be easy to explain to Mom. Back in town we now see a woman who is coming back from...war? She is in Marine digital desert cammo fatigues, sporting a US Army patch, an American flag on the wrong shoulder... and she has some night vision goggles in her bag that her daughter is rummaging through. I have five or six sets myself, because the Army (or Marines...whatever) never keeps track of sensitive items like those.

Well the Aliens just found the bum and Sheriff in the sewer. LUNCH! But never fear, it looks like more Predators are on the way. The chief boot-knocka of all Predators just landed and he doesn't look happy. He is gearing up for some serious action. He could seriously use a training montage right now. That always helps.

The geek-hero is now down in the sewer with his older brother. Why? Because that's where people go in action movies. Duh. Back to the woods with a huge search party for the guy and his kid. Whoa, the Predator just found the bodies and dissolved them with some blue liquid and offed one of the deputies who saw him do it. And....now the deputy is strung up from a tree. The messed up part here is that no one is saying "hey, these bodies are just like the ones in that movie Predator with Arnold Schwarzenegger. We should watch out for chameleon-like alien creatures." They act like they've never seen the movie, but who hasn't?

Super-Predator and Alien-Predator hybrid just battled it out in the sewer system. Of course it spilled out into the streets, as these things usually do. Too bad for the waitress at the local diner. I bet she was a slut, anyway. I'm not going as far as saying she deserved it, but she looked like a girl who would definitely cheat on her boyfriend and feel justified in doing so. Hooker.

Geek-hero and the girl are going swimming at the local pool. She's showing a lot of skin, so I wouldn't be surprised if Jason from Friday the 13th shows up any minute. Meanwhile, the Alien/Predator battle has spilled over to the energy plant and shut the power off for the whole town. They really needed to think of an alternative energy source, anyway. That thing was just a giant pollution factory leading to global warming. Greedy, corporate fat-cats getting rich off of the earth's demise. That's why Predator is here; retribution for our selfish destruction of mother earth.

The whole town is on alert now; running, screaming, crying. There may even be some dancing, I'm not sure. The geek-hero, his older brother and the hot chick found their way to the sporting goods store and are loading up. And now the National Guard have arrived in what could be described as the fastest response time ever, but their effectiveness was just about on par with Hillary Clinton's ability to relate to the common man. In other words, their all dead. Apparently they never saw Aliens. Alien-Predator hybrid has found its way the maternity ward of the hospital. Suffice to say that it ended poorly for...well, everyone. Unless prospective parents actually wanted to raise an alien who's blood would melt your skin and it would kill you and lay eggs in your chest. Everyone wants something different these days.

The hero group found where the National Guard showed its lackluster ability and, in a nice twist, took the armored vehicle they showed up in. Usually the main characters aren't smart enough to actually take useful equipment. Yet, they are insisting on finding a helicopter. Why? Take the Stryker and drive into the mountains. Or to Las Vegas. Man that town is hoppin'. Always something to do. But no, they go to the hospital, where the Hybrid has set up a breeding lab for its next generation. Its probably doing stem-cell research, too. Oh, the horror.

Wow! In one of the coolest friendly fire incidents ever, the hot chick got caught in the crossfire of a giant Predator throwing star and pinned to a wall. And the geek-hero took an alien tail through the back a minute later! I didn't see that coming at all. He's still alive, though. And the ever-menacing Army general, watching from an AWACS bird, is preparing to wipe out the town.

No. Friggin'. Way. The older brother just told the rest of the group to "get to the chopper!" If he covers himself in mud and makes a bow and arrow out of tree roots, I am going to wet myself. Predator has taken notes from Indiana Jones and is now using a whip to decapitate his adversaries. Sweet.

After a battle to the death between Boot Knocka and Hybrid-boy, the entire town is wiped out via Nuke strike, but our heroes got out with helicopter (which I am calling BS on because it was a Huey, and those things can't out-run a 4-year old on a tricycle, let alone a nuclear explosion). Only to be taken in by some Force Recon Marines, who I had no idea worked in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. Shows what I know.

All in all, this was probably without a doubt the most complete movie I've seen in a long time. It really lacked for nothing: Guns? Check. Explosions? Check. Aliens using people as breeding machines? Double check. Hot chicks showing skin? I will say they could have made a lot better effort in this regard. I often got the feeling that they weren't even trying to throw in gratuitous nudity. That takes some serious credibility away from the movie itself, and drops at least one star from my rating. However, when considering a movie to put on while the rest of the world is at work and you are eating Fruit Loops in your pajamas, this ranks right near the top. Not the best in the series, but pretty darn good, none the less.

Stay tuned, as I think there is a new zombie movie out on DVD, as well.

Star Wars (Unleash The Fury)

2008-04-14T09:50:00.001-07:00

I may have covered this subject before, but who cares. I'm bored, and after seeing a couple of the original and newer Star Wars episodes this week on Spike TV, I felt I needed to get some things off my chest. Namely, that I have come to the conclusion that, although the Star Wars films are a big part of my childhood -- and still hold a certain place of nostalgic value in my heart -- they are, for the most part, really crappy movies.

Yup, I said it. Bring on the nerd assault; I'm ready for it.

For starters, let's look at the first film which bore the title: A New Hope (which isn't the first, of course, because the ever-wise Mr. Lucas doesn't understand the concept of "chronological order," but more on that later). As we all remember, the movie begins with space ships and laser blasts and a menacing Darth Vader capturing a less-crazy Carrie Fischer (she hadn't married Paul Simon yet). This sticks out in a lot of peoples' minds because, at the time, nothing like it had ever been witnessed. So far, so good.

But then the focus shifts to the hero and focal point of the story: Luke Skywalker (played by Mark Hammil who is, by the way, stumping for Barrack Obama, saying that he is the greatest person he has ever had the opportunity to vote for. Yowza). At this point the story begins to completely fall apart. How do I figure that, only ten minutes in to the first picture? This is where George Lucas actually is a genius; if looking at each individual movie, they work out ok. But when you factor in the entire story, it's pure crap. Look, if Obi-Wan took Luke to the planet of Tattooine in the first place, a) why did he hide them with DARTH VADER'S RELATIVES, and b) don't you think that maybe, just maybe, Obi-Wan could have been hooking him up with some cool Jedi skills while he grew up? Especially considering that he knew he would eventually take him to Yoda, who would talk some crap about how Luke is "too young to begin the training." Well gee, it's not like you didn't have control of this kid from the time he was an infant. I know, instead of keeping a close eye on someone who could very well have more power than anyone in the universe, let's foster him out to some people in the desert and we can just hope he doesn't get molested and end up in some weird cult practicing polygamy and farming out sex-droids.

But see, we forget all of that because "Oooh, look at the pretty colors and big explosions!" Yeah well, I didn't forget, dang nabbit!

As the story progresses, we meet Han Solo who, as Peter Griffin says "is the only actor who's career is not completely ruined by these movies." Han pretty much saves the movie, which is odd considering Luke is supposed to be the hero. But never mind that, go back to the story: Luke, after meeting Obi-Wan at what appears to be the age of 16-18 (way to keep close contact with the wonder-boy through his most formative years, Obi-Wan). Suddenly realizes he has to be a Jedi and do Jedi stuff. Obi-Wan proceeds to give Luke what equates to about a 10-minute block of instruction on light-saber laser-blocking before they end up on the Death Star and Obi-Wan sacrifices himself for...whatever reason. One that has never really become all that clear, even after six movies. Yeah, he says that he is "stronger" dead than alive, but whatever. I sure never saw him doing any training with Luke after he died. He just showed up as an apparition a time or two, spouting crap like "use the force." Thanks a lot, old man. If you had actually lived long enough to teach me what in the hell "the Force" actually is, that might be useful. Maybe.

Which leads me to something that has always bugged me; that Luke is a complete ninny. Again, if looking at the story as a whole, we see his father, Anakin, at his age kicking some major butt (and scoring with the ridiculously hot Natalie Portman, I might add. Which brings up another question: how many women did you see Luke with over the course of three movies? Hmmm...). But, like I said before, this could have been avoided had they actually shown some interest in the boy beyond that of a recovering alcoholic, dead-bet dad who shows up when the kid is fully grown and says "gimme a hug!" Let's just say that Luke, in today's society, would be on any sane person's watch list for possible assailants in future school-shootings.

And this brings me to my next point: That George Lucas was completely flying by the seat of his pants in creating this story. There are too many holes to think otherwise. There's no way you would have two people making out in one movie and then "surprise, you're brother and sister" in the next. Unless you are from Kentucky. Or have some serious mommy-issues. Whichever, the guy is a goof. If he had it all planned out, then why didn't Luke get trained as a boy? Why did he make out with his sister? Why wouldn't they change his name from "Skywalker"? Good job hiding him, guys. Put him with Darth Vader's in-laws and have him keep the name. Let's see, you have the ability to travel at/beyond light-speed across the universe, but you chose to "hide" Luke on the planet his now-evil father grew up on. Wow. And Jedis are supposed to be wise. Gotcha.

And what was it, exactly, that made the Empire so bad? This is yet another gaping hole in Lucas' story telling. We never have any concrete explanation of why the Empire is bad and the Rebellion is good. Even after the newer movies came out, trying to tell the back story, it never made any real sense. Maybe the Rebellion were actually terrorists? Perhaps the Empire was just trying to stop an insurgency running wild? We hear some nonsense about "trade federations" in the back story, but isn't that a good thing? Intergalactic trading would be necessary to keep up your economy, especially with the drain of illegal aliens on your Medicare program, would it not? Whatever the cause, it proves that Lucas made it all up well after making the originals; the first three movies give no indication as to why these two groups are fighting, only that one is decidedly "bad" and the other "good." I could go into a whole host of stereotypes that the films use to pull this off, basically insulting the intelligence of every audience member, but that would take too long. And it would be boring. And I seriously doubt anyone is even still reading at this point...

Beyond all of that, my notes kinda trickle into a cursing tirade about how Lord of the Rings is better and how Natalie Portman doesn't return the letters I sent her with my toe-nail clippings. Really not much else to say, because everyone knows that there was never anything really deep or innovative about these stories, and that Jar-Jar Binks was Lucas's way of coming out of the closet. They were basically vehicles for revolutionary special effects, using simplistic plot lines and wickedly-bad acting that happened to come at a time in people of my generation's formative years that forever rendered them to a nostalgic place in our memories because they were so different.

Compare that to the series of movies containing the word "Predator" in the title. If you want to see in-depth story telling at its best, then look no further than that, my friends. Alien Vs. Predator part 2 comes out on DVD tomorrow, so don't even bother calling me. I won't answer. I will be engrossed.

Remember in X Men...

2008-04-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

...when they started off the story by telling how sometimes in human evolution there are "great leaps" forward? Yet, when you watch the movie and see some of these mutants, you think "hey, that kinda sucks as far as a "great leap" for that kid." I mean, you have mutants that can walk through walls, mutants that can fly, and then you have some goofy kid that his only power is that he can write...without a pen. Super. "Hey buddy, I know we never take you on cool missions, but that is because it is soooooo important that you stay behind and take....notes. On stuff. Yeah."

Now we have a case of art imitating life (I guess) with, ready for it.... Tree Man! I have to be honest, I'm not even sure where to begin. I mean, talk about getting the shaft on evolutionary "leaps forward." What the heck is he supposed to do with that? What super-villain will he be able to thwart with roots for feet and hands? Unless someone made up of pure carbon dioxide tries to conquer the world, I'm thinking this guy isn't really going to be much help. Just sayin'.

In all seriousness, how suck-tastic would that be, anyway? Wow. Just...wow.

Wanna Hear A Funny Story?

2008-03-15T22:44:00.001-07:00

For those of you who have read this blog for a while, my involvement with -- as well as distaste for -- the U.S. Army is not news. Recent developments, however, may be.

Due mostly to the fact that I should have my head examined by professionals, I am back in the big green machine. But this time it is under the banner of the auspicious Army Reserves. Which, as I am becoming aware, is not really the Army, but not really...anything else, either. It's a land where everyone involved has a "real" job, yet they still go off to war. Regularly.

To be quite honest, my involvement is multi-faceted: For starters, I still had one year and nine months left in what is called the Individual Ready Reserves. That meant that I could be called up at any time to do any job for the needs of the Army. Not cool, especially considering a good friend of ours got pulled under this same action to do who knows what. This means the Army could turn me into a cook or a truck driver or...whatever. Maybe even an Infantryman. Yikes. That's scary. Oh wait...

At any rate, this was a major concern of mine. One of the major reasons I joined the Army instead of another branch was because I had more control over my own destiny (and because of those snazzy berets. Touche!). With the IRR, that control was completely taken from me.

This left me with a dilemma: I could rejoin the regular Army and go back to my old job of jumping out of planes and carrying a lot of weight on my back for a really long distance (I think I just threw up a little, in my mouth), or find a new way of applying myself for Uncle Sam. After doing some searching and a lot of talking with guys who have been around for a while and experienced different parts of the military, I settled on Psychological Operations. Not a very well-understood end of the Army, PsyOp is conjoined with Civil Affairs as their own command in the Army Reserve, as the vast majority of their personnel are made up of weekend warriors. Essentially their job centers around morale; both of our own troops and of the enemy. This could mean blasting some Pantera from a helicopter while the good guys kick in some doors or playing some anti-hajji propaganda from a loudspeaker to convince the bad guys that they are losing. Badly. So give up, already. Losers.

After speaking with the First Sergeant of the unit (never go through recruiters, go directly to the source), this seemed like a pretty decent opportunity. I will get some good training out of it and even some employment (not having a job rocks, but the bank doesn't like it nearly as much when the monthly payment for the SUV that I just *had* to have is due). Once I go to the school to qualify as an actual PsyOp guy, then a few doors to other training opportunities will open. Namely, the chance to be a tuba player. Which is, after all, a lifelong dream of mine.

I have already done my first drill with the unit (that ought to be its own post, really) as well as a 3-day Combat Life Saver class (battlefield trauma medicine -- i.e. shoot back, stop the bleeding, and get the %&$! out of there). It is a different place than what I was used to on active duty, to be sure. For instance, I have never seen a meeting take place where a Major -- commander of the unit, mind you -- asks a lowly E-5 what he thinks the unit should do for training next month. Also of note should be that this same E-5 didn't even have a uniform at this time, and was sporting his latest REI shirt and pants rather than the ACUs that everyone else was wearing. You want to know my opinion, sir? Oh heck yeah, I like where this is going. Do we have access to any gunships? Predator drones? Supermodels? Yeah well, it didn't hurt to ask, right?

Things run a might different here in Reserve land, but... to be honest, that suits me just fine right now. I'm sure that at some point I will say "man, I sure wish I was wearing an 80 lbs ruck sack and walking 20 miles right now" but I sure ain't saying it now. And this whole "sleep in every day except for one weekend a month" thing isn't too bad, either. I'm guessing that when I leave for training in a month that I won't have that, but that means I will be learning the crafty art of PsyOp. And there's no way the Army can make that boring, right? RIGHT?!?!!

So, in the next few months (about 19 of them, to be exact), there should be a lot more material on here for you to get a chuckle out of. I do have somewhat of a renewed desire to write, so who knows what may happen next.

All You Need To Know About The Presidential Race

2008-01-31T09:07:00.001-08:00

In these topsy-turvy times, it is tough to know where politics are headed, and whom shall be at the helm. That is why I am here; to offer up my vast insight into the presidential race and what each candidate can offer, why they offer it, whether or not it's realistic, and of course, can they pull it off. Oh, and also if they are gay.

So, let's take a look at who we have (for sake of balance, we'll keep the order completely random, thereby confusing the hell out of everyone reading).

Rudy Giuliani:

What's his deal? Something about being mayor of a big city out east during a catastrophe. I think he was a lawyer for the mob, too.

Can he win? Well, dropping out of the race certainly doesn't appear to have helped his chances, so we'll see how that strategy plays out for him.

Why he won't win: Historians will argue for years over the reasons why, but I assure you, look no further than that goofy lisp thing he has when he talks. That's just....weird.

John Edwards:

What's his deal? Beautiful hair, smooth skin, and a smile that could make any HMO concede defeat.

Can he win? Another case of using the bold, strategic move of dropping out before it's finished, Edwards has really gambled on this one. My guess is that he is using the classic "hard to get" move I perfected with my numerous love conquests. Always leave them wanting more.

Why he won't win: Simply put, he has too much leadership experience and it intimidates the hell out of people.

Fred Thompson:

What's his deal? Tallest of all the candidates, his physical presence and southern drawl make the ladies swoon. Plus his wife is the hottest of all the candidates' wives (including Hillary's).

Can he win? While choosing not to campaign may have a negative impact on his hopes, I believe that his work at controlling a terrorist situation from the tower in Die Hard 2 speaks for itself. Calm under pressure, thy name is Fred.

Why he won't win: Die Hard 2 was clearly the worst out of all four movies, and I felt basically robbed after seeing it.

Mike Huckaboob:

What's his deal? I don't know, but if you don't believe it, he will throw you into a pit of fire.

Can he win? Chuck Norris says he can, and apparently Chuck's tears cure cancer, so that's one heck of an endorsement.

Why he won't win: Declining popularity and a striking similarity to that pastor who got caught with the male hooker aside, his real downfall will be the Jews.

Barrack Obama:

What's his deal? Change! Hope! Dreams! Dreams about hope and change!! And Oprah!

Can he win? Not only believing in hope, but dreaming of it, and knowing that it can change the future, will enable us to hope and dream about what can be, what will be, and what should be. This change, which we have all hoped and dreamed of for so long, should be ours, not just for our sake, but also for the sake of our children. Dream it. Hope for it. Change it.

Why he won't win: If you find any substance in the above paragraph whatsoever, then explaining any further will be quite pointless. Racist.

Mitt Romney:

What's his deal? Mormon. Cult leader. Found golden tablets under a rock and moved his people to Salt Lake City where they could marry their sisters and no one would get mad.

Can he win? We all, secretly, want to elect Ward Cleaver as the leader of the free world.

Why he won't win: Regardless of impeccable morals, marrying one's sister seems to leave a bad taste in quite a few people's mouth. Who knew?

Hillary Clinton:

What's his deal? Hillary brings the most real-world experience to the table, as well as the most testosterone next to Fred Thompson.

Can he win? Could George Patton's wife won the Battle of the Bulge? Could Sherman's mistress have beaten the Confederates at Vicksburg? If you say no, you're a sexist bastard and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Why he won't win: Strong on nearly every issue, the only downfall of this "super-candidate" will be their undying loyalty to their values; holding strong to what they believe no matter what the media says. When it could possibly help to be strategic and play the political game, Hillary's undoing will come from following the path of truth, regardless of the outcome.

John McCain:

What's his deal? He hates gooks.

Can he win? Apparently Rambo thinks he can. I saw the new Rambo this week and, I have to tell you, that was the bloodiest movie I've ever seen. I mean they kill everybody. Women, children, pigs... Rambo then goes on a tear. He didn't want to, but dammit if they didn't pull him into it. And well, he is a killer. It's in his veins. It's what he was trained to do. They drew first blood, not him. He didn't ask for that war, they asked him. Then he goes back to his home in, wait a minute... Arizona! That's McCain's state! Man, this is tying in nicely.

Why he won't win: Ever seen one of your grandparents fly in to a spitting rage about how ignorant young people are? Now imagine four years of that.

Ron Paul:

What's his deal? Pure, un-diluted genius.

Can he win? Without question, Paul lays claim to the most stable, well educated, articulate supporters on the campaign trail. They will pick apart anyone who stands in his way with thought provoking, well planned arguments.

Why he will win: Google "Ron Paul debate" and be prepared to be humbled.

Well, there you have it for now. I will try to keep you updated as changes occur. Why, I'm not really sure. Spare 22 minutes of your time to watch this and tell me this isn't what we're facing.

Fightin' Stuff

2007-12-02T15:22:00.000-08:00

Everyone has heard the phrase "it's not what you know, but who you know." The older I get, the more true this is, as I realize that most of the cool things that come about in life happen not because of my own knowledge, but because of friends and who those friends know and so on. This weekend was just such an occasion.

About a week ago I realized I hadn't talked to my buddy Henning in a while, so I decided to get in touch with him and see what he was up to. Good timing on my part. He told me that his good friends Mark and Lisa Twight were coming to town to support an MMA fighter that Lisa had been training. Mark is a former professional alpine climber who I had been hearing about for years through a mutual friend, and now he and his wife are the brains behind Gym Jones. The genius of which can be seen here and here, for starters.

Through a strange connection to the movie 300, Lisa came to be the conditioning coach for Rob MacDonald (UFC fighter and cast member of the reality show TUF 2). Rob came down to Colorado from his native Toronto to fight in the Ring of Fire cage mach held in Broomfield, for the light heavyweight title held by Elliot Marshall. Through an even more round-a-bout connection, I came to be sitting at Rob MacDonald's VIP table for the fight.

What a blast. Rob is a tremendously nice guy who was nothing but generous the entire time. As he was the main event of the night, his was the last fight. He sat and talked with us up until one fight left before his own while I sat and thought "isn't this guy fighting tonight?" Then he just said, "well, I guess it's smashin' time," and headed for the locker room. I figured he was either really, really confident and in "the zone" already, or he was completely unprepared. Lucky for us -- and especially him -- it was the former.

I'm not really sure if Eliot Marshall was looking at Rob as a stepping stone to get to the UFC, or if he was just completely overwhelmed in the fight, or both. At any rate, it truly was "smashin' time" for Rob, as he laid the beat down on his opponent. After numerous slams to the canvas, and a number of blows to the face, the ref stopped the fight shortly into the second round. As Eliot was the hometown boy, our table was the only group in the whole arena cheering. I think most people were stunned at the one-sided victory, including "team silicone" sitting behind us. I'm not sure they even knew who was who anyway, to be honest.

This is in no way a slam against Eliot Marshall, as he showed nothing but pure class in his loss, even coming to the press conference after the fight. His camp seemed very professional, and hopefully I will have an opportunity to train with them, seeing as how they are here in town.

But to the victor go the spoils, as they say, and it was truly awesome to be apart of something like that. Even though I had absolutely nothing to do with it, I somehow ended up in the octagon when the fight was over, whooping it up with everyone else. I was given one of the cameras for the fight to take pictures, but I have a feeling that most of them turned out pretty blurry as it is apparently really difficult to cheer and photograph at the same time. Luckily, a professional had it covered, and her pics can be viewed here (I especially like this one. I'm such a ham).

In the end, I am grateful to Rob and his camp for letting be a part of this event. Though I may never be a champion of any kind myself, it is quite an inspiration to see people who dedicate themselves wholly and completely to something that takes so much effort and sacrifice to even compete, let alone win. These are lessons we can all apply to our lives in many regards, and my training intensity will certainly raise to a new level thanks to what I witnessed that night (plus I now have an invite to train at Gym Jones, which I am more than just a little excited about).

And one final note, I would especially like to thank Rob for his sense of humor; while most guys are coming in the arena to songs by 50 Cent and the like, the good man Maximus had the foresight to play "You're the Best," the theme song to the Karate Kid. Which, as everyone who is anyone knows, won an Oscar for the best movie ever made. Ever. Plus it's stuck in my head now, so I've got that going for me.

Blast From The Past

2007-10-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

In an effort to preserve (forever) some of my weirdness on the internet, I thought I would snag a few posts from my other blog and put them up here, starting with this one.

American History: What I've Learned
As I am officially done for the semester after taking my history 102 final this morning, I thought I would take this opportunity to share what I've learned. My professor handed out a list of key terms that we would need to know about for a study guide, and I have "elaborated" on those terms here so that you can see what your tax dollars buy in the way of an education these days. Enjoy!

1900s:
William McKinley - 25th President of the United States, known best for his previous routing of the English army at Stirling Bridge and Falkirk.

NAACP - The first in a series of films from Spike Lee's production company showing life in the inner city.

Eugene Debs - Commie.

Ellis Island - Importation point by which American officials could change the ridiculously hard-to-pronounce Eastern European names to something much easier to read and say by adding, get this, vowels. Novel concept, to be sure. I mean really, Czolgosz? What the hell is that??

1910s:
Fourteen Points - President Woodrow Wilson's ideas for Europe after the end of World War I. Was originally fifteen points, but his ideas about a Russian mail-order bride system was not seen as the progressive idea that we all know it is today. The man was way ahead of his time.

Zimmerman Telegram - Germany's attempt to convince the Mexican government to attack the U.S. The Mexican government declined, opting instead for their "100 year" plan, whereby they would infiltrate the United States slowly by "taking jobs that Americans won't do."

Emma Goldman - Jailed multiple times for conspiratorial and anarchist dealings, she was eventually deported and later became president of France. Commie.

1920s:
Teapot Dome, Wyoming - Two lonely sheep-herders find sanctuary in the arms of one another in this cold and lonely frontier.

Prohibition - The first cooperation between Hollywood and the U.S. Government to provide numerous resources for motion picture plot-lines. Although very successful at first, was repealed after the whole "Al Capone" character became really played out.

Marcus Garvey - Invented Reggae in this decade and used it as a launching platform for civil rights activism. Historians debate whether or not it worked, but generally agree that Exodus by Bob Marley was a damn fine album.

Calvin Coolidge - 30th President of the United States, Coolidge was mostly ignored by history until many years later when he was immortalized in a cartoon about his childhood antics with his stuffed tiger.

1930s:
Social Security - Set up as a debate platform for Democrats and Republicans so that they could have something to "debate" for control over old-people votes.

Spanish Civil War - Umm, dude. This is American History, ok?

Eleanor Roosevelt - Stunningly beautiful woman, known as the "super-model" of first ladies, FDR could never even look at other women as taking his eyes off of Eleanor was next to impossible... wait, what? No? Ok, skip this one.

Appeasement - The attempt by Neville Chamberlain's government in Great Britain to "appease" Adolf Hitler's Germany instead of deal with it militarily. Widely successful. Hitler relinquished power in 1935 to follow up on his dreams to graduate art school instead of the "ruthless dictator" route which many historians believe he would have pursued if not for Chamberlain's wisdom.

1940s:
Berlin - Rated as 3rd on Lonely Planet's guide to "Top Ten Vacation Spots of 1947" right behind Stalingrad and Nagasaki.

Iron Curtain - Mistakenly thought to be a term describing the division between Eastern and Western Europe, it was actually a phrase Winston Churchill used to summarize the reaction he received when he tried to "get some" from Mrs. Churchill.

Marshall Plan - Send... money... to... Europe. Communism = bad.

J. Strom Thurmond - The guy who wouldn't die. Seriously. Served as a Senator from 1954 until 2003. Holy crap. Was governor of South Carolina before that. Fought in WWII before that. Was a judge before that? Sure, why not. I believe he was Captain of either the Nina or the Pinta before that.

1950s:
38th Parallel - Dividing line between North and South Korea. Would become a favorite hang-out for American service members for several generations.

Duck and Cover - Yeah, right.

Kitchen Debate - Impromptu meeting between VP Richard Nixon and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev after the latter challenged "Tricky Dick" to a cook-off. Several KGB officers were subsequently executed for the intelligence failure of not knowing about Nixon's wicked omelet-making skills.

Sputnik - The Soviet Union's first, and thankfully last, attempt to break into the adult film industry.

Baby Boom - Truck loads of babies were blown up, apparently for the joy of money-grubbing Republicans. Seriously though, service members returned from over seas by the boat-load and started breeding like rabbits. Thanks to that, we have our parents.

1960s:
Hotline - Developed after the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962 so that the U.S. leaders could chat with Soviet leaders about interns.

Gulf of Tonkin Resolution - As a result of SecDef McNamara's testimony, Congress passed a joint around the room and got baked. Oh wait, they passed a joint "resolution." Apparently that's different, although I'm not sure how.

Apollo 11 - One of many successful endeavors by Hollywood studios to con the American public by staging a "moon landing" with "astronauts" Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and some guy history has already forgotten. I think he was the stunt man. See also "Barbara Streisand" and "The Clinton Administration" for other ruses pulled off by Hollywood.

Watts Riot - Rodney King's first run-in with the LAPD resulted in 34 dead, and 35 million injured. Which seems high, so I'll check my facts later on that one.

Napalm - Jellied gasoline used to clear out large areas of downtown Los Angeles.

1970s:
Kent State University - May 4, 1970. Dirty hippies thought they were soooo smart, what with their long hair and their "protests." Non-violence, yeah that paid off well for 'em.

Cambodia - Dude, I say again, American history. Sheesh.

Ms. Magazine - Founded by Gloria Steinem as a much needed venue to discuss orgasms.

Gerald Ford - Heck of a President, I say. Well ok, maybe not. But he was the 38th one. And he granted some famous guy a pardon. I think it was an actor.

Iran Hostage Crisis - Current leader of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmanidejad, takes American hostages in the U.S. embassy in Tehran. Attempt to rescue hostages, led by up-and-coming action hero Chuck Norris fails miserably. Hostages later released on the day Ronald Reagan is sworn into office. Chickens.

CREEP - Codename for Nixon's operation where he told some people to break into Democratic Party headquarters and steal some stuff. Then Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford got famous for catching them.

As you can all see, that was money well spent on this semester. Learning is fun!!!

Wicked Cool Mullets, Immigration, and Going Through Puberty

2007-09-28T19:18:00.001-07:00

Where did I leave off before? Probably something to do with killing terrorists and hanging out with one of the many supermodels which frequently end up at my doorstep, I would guess. Either that or watching Knight Rider reruns in my Underroos and eating Cheetos. I can't remember, really.

What I do remember, however, is going home to Colorado for a break a few weeks ago to spend some time high ranking people in my command, er, family. After a weekend of complete debauchery (Mom & Dad are into some really, really weird stuff like "talking" and "eating dinner together." I won't even go into the whole "give presents to your sister for her birthday" nonsense that went on...) with them, I headed with Minja-boy and The Red Ryder herself to what could realistically be labeled the cultural event of a lifetime: the Pueblo, Colorado state fair. Let me begin by saying that if you for any reason thought that the Mullet was a hairstyle whose time had come and gone, you are sadly mistaken, pal. It is back and, by the looks of it, here to stay thanks in no small part to one man who, thankfully, completely understands not only the hairdo's fantastic staying power, but also its nearly mythical powers when worn properly: the locks flowing down to the middle of the back, neatly crimped, bleached, and moussed; accentuated perfectly with a tank top, tight jeans and high-top sneakers left untied. I'm not gay but dammit, I thought briefly about reconsidering for that fella. As I am sure you can understand.

Scarily, I had but only a few moments to recover from that Greek-god-like character before I witnessed yet another gem (and fine example of why state fairs are grossly underrated): A Mexican biker with a swastika head band. Uhh... what? Yeah, I'm still a little confused by the whole thing. Oh don't get me wrong, I really want to subscribe to whatever it is that this guy is selling. I'm guessing it's some pretty heavy, in-depth stuff requiring a hefty chunk of brain power to fully appreciate, so it may be something that will take a while to understand. I mean, just figuring out the logistics of kicking all the Jews out of Mexico would be, well... you know. Hard. Really.

And I have to be honest with you, after describing that state fair, the rest of my week at home will seem pretty weak by comparison. I dug some post-holes and we built horse stalls. See? No mullets or walking oxymorons anywhere in that tale. Sheesh.

It was a wonderful time, however, and I am always grateful to be able to spend time with those close to my heart. Plus they pretend to like me, which boosts my already ridiculously large ego to epic proportions. Which is kinda cool.

Now I am back in Texas doing the whole take-the-illegals-back-to-where-they-came-from thing. Well, not right now I'm not. Actually I just finished watching Jenna Bush being interviewed by Dianne Sawyer on TV. Pretty interesting, even though she's not even the hot one. Bring out Barbara, dang nabbit! I think she would totally dig me. Especially since I lost my voice from some sort of Central American SARS thing. Presidential daughters dig guys who sound like they are going through puberty, right? RIGHT?!?!

Anyway, things are going smoothly, even with the occasional hiccup. The boss came down to fly with us for a week and by Thursday three guys had been fired. Well that would be fine and dandy except that we only have 13 people on the team. Crimeny. We joked with him and told him that if he stays another week, there will only be about four people on the plane staring at each other and wondering who's next. I know that I would be one of the last to go due to my ever-increasing Spanish vocabulary. Today I learned how to say the word "sandwich" in the foreign tongue. Are you ready for this? Here goes: sandwich. Get that? Need me to repeat it? It's a lot to take in, and obviously I'm not learning anymore today (or the rest of the week, for that matter. It's friggin' Friday, for cryin' out loud!), so go ahead and call that your lesson. I'll be back on Monday with the next one.

And I would also like to reiterate that I just watched the whole interview with Jenna Bush and only saw her sister, like, twice. What a rip-off.

Hay, Weak Trailers, Fencing and Midget Ninjas

2007-08-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

As mentioned before, once the job in Oakland was done I headed back home and out to do some more ranchin', by gum.

The first order of business was getting hay for the winter. I'm going to say right here and now that getting hay is not the most fun job in the world. In fact, I would probably rank it pretty low. Worse than carrying a ruck sack up a mountain in Utah? Well let's not get crazy... The job began by heading down to the thriving metropolis of Boone, Colorado. Never heard of it? What the hell is wrong with you? They have a mall and everything. So says the cowboy that hauled the hay, "shoot, it's got one... two... two stores. That's a mall!" Dang skippy it is, Red. Anyhoo, after picking him up we drove to La Junta (it's a soft "J") and met up with a real old-fashioned cowboy who still loads hay out of a field by using draft horses and a wagon. I would tell you his name, but you wouldn't believe me (or the one you have thought of is probably correct), and I would tell you what he looked like, but the image you've already pictured in your mind is most likely an exact description (complete with snow-white handle bar mustache). Then I could tell you how he talked, but... well, ya know.

We backed the trailer up next to the wagon (which already had a load on it), and jumped up on the trailer to begin loading. Unbeknownst to me, however, was the "weak spot" in the trailer. Apparently there was a conversation taking place in secret regarding the spot about five seconds before I fell through it and made a hole the size of your favorite ex-Army blogger. I remember the phrase "Oh crap, we've only been here two minutes and we're already down a man!" being uttered, but I carried on. The mission is all that matters, roger?

After many, many more loads of hay, we finally finished the job of getting it all loaded up in a barn. I didn't feel too bad when it was done, 'cause everyone else was pretty much sick of it too. Considering I'm just a "city kid" I didn't do all that bad. Heh. Lucky for us we finished when we did, as the next night we got nailed with a pretty heavy thunderstorm, shutting down the power for several hours. We had been sitting and talking for an hour or so when around the corner came this:

I don't know how many midget-ninjas (minja, for short) wearing yellow Sponge-Bob Square Pants goggles you have run into, but rest assured, it's a pretty scary event. I did my best to take care of the problem but as you can see here, I didn't fare too well:

To say that I was humbled and "shown who was boss" would be the understatement of the century. My weak skills are certainly no match for the power of the 9-year old minja.

And so the story continues now with me being back in Texas doing the incredibly strenuous job of taking illegal aliens back to their country of origin. But things could get pretty interesting in the next few days, as there is a major hurricane headed in our direction. With any luck I could end up in a Katrina-esque situation cracking skulls and looting some television sets. Why? 'Cause the man is keeping me down, yo! So stay tuned for some possible exciting commentary on that action. Word to your mother.

(Oh yeah, and the date on the post is about ten days old, as that is when I started writing it. If you care. Which you don't. So I'll just go eat some worms. Non-carerers!!!)

Garbage Collection: The Final Solution

2007-08-07T14:02:00.001-07:00

Well the Waste Management strike in Oakland finally came to an end and thus, so did our job of providing security. Which is just A OK with me, as I was leaving the detail anyway due to some "gut feelings" I had about certain issues.

But I didn't leave without any stories. And I think my favorite one would involve the phone call I received from one of the agents following a garbage truck while I was in the CP (Command Post). The agent relayed to me, in real time, that he was "surrounded" by picketers, and that they had blocked his car -- as well as the garbage truck -- from moving. He then told me that one of the picketers had pulled a knife and was making threatening gestures. The agent was noticeably shaken up and had a fair amount of adrenaline pumping through his ever-so masculine veins.

It was at this point where I calmly (from the air conditioned hotel room/CP, where I was in the middle of watching The Ringer in which Johnny Knoxville pretends to be retarded so he can win the Special Olympics on a bet -- good stuff) interjected "Are your doors locked?" He said yes, so I told him "Umm, then why don't you just drive through the people?"

Let me back up here a second; I realize that most people have never taken a tactical driving course so I will explain a very simple principle: Your car is a two and-a-half ton bullet. It's the most powerful weapon you own on the street. If people are in your way... well, you do the math. So you may be saying to yourself "well maybe this guy didn't have any tactical driving experience." Just keep reading.

Once the incident was over, the agent in question did what he was supposed to do and filed a report with the police. After he was finished with that, he calls the CP and demands to be picked up, as "the picketers are sure to recognize my car and come after it." Uhh... yeah. So I relay this to my boss, who I have worked with before, and after the laughter subsides the man who brought me out for the job says "get in my Suburban and we'll go get him." This should be fun, I figure, as he is a retired Army 1st Sgt. and has had nothing but a bad day. I'm all about viewing an ass-chewing.

We get to the location and the boss tells the hero-in-question to get in his vehicle and that he will take him back to the hotel. "How are you going to get my car back" he asks. The 1st Sgt. looks at me and I just grin as I get into the vehicle in question. The agent stammers "well be sure to, uhh, button down tight, 'cause, uhh... they might recognize you!" The boss-man then utters a classic, tobacco-in-the-lip, "this ain't fuckin' Baghdad, dude." It was a struggle to keep from laughing.

The reason I have no qualms about telling an embarrassing story like this one is two-fold: One, the guy turned out to be a serious pain in the keister when dealing with back at the CP. And two (and more importantly), when asked what his background was, he replied "law enforcement." Wow. Where did you serve as a police officer, Podunk, Idaho? This is the quality of people we have in the security and law enforcement world. It truly is a wonder that there isn't more crime... The funniest part of the whole story is that this was the most exciting part of the whole detail. Sad but true.

Upon leaving Oakland, I returned to the "reject zoo gang" on the ranch. That is, however, another story. Which involves hay. A lot of hay. Then some more hay. Did I mention that there was a lot of hay? Ok, just wasn't sure.

Details on that to follow soon, as well as the story of being attacked by a midget-ninja. Scary stuff.

Marxism Doesn't Work?

2007-08-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

Say it isn't so!

Every time I read something from The Onion, the only question in my mind is why I don't read it more often. Pure comedy gold.

Great Article

2007-08-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

With a really great ending line:

"...right now we should hold the Muslim world to the same standards of
tolerance that we demand of ourselves -- no more apologies for things like our
insensitive cartoons or excuses for their insane anger against novelists. In
turn, the Middle East must grow up and accept, like the rest of the world, that
there are social and cultural costs and consequences for any who wish to embrace
the benefits of modernism."

Burning The Midnight Olive Oil

2007-07-25T00:46:00.000-07:00

That's right, I'm blogging while at work. Sue me. It's 12:45 a.m. and I have nothing else to do but entertain... well, myself. And this seems as good of an outlet as any. They won't let me shoot automatic weapons in the hotel lobby, so you're stuck with some late-night ramblings.

So, interesting story has developed over the last month regarding one of the most elaborate cases of deception I have ever come across. It involves a guy that I came into contact with about a year ago through some training and subsequently worked with several times since. It breaks down like this: since knowing this person, he has gradually but steadily relayed accounting's of his background, which normally involve some sort of high-speed, secret-squirrel tactical operation that he has been involved in. Toward the end of our last detail together, however, certain "signs" started appearing which led several people to raise an eyebrow of concern. He was let go from the detail due to some less than professional conduct and subsequently lost his mind.

Fast forward to about two weeks after the end of the detail, when yours truly attended some training where the aforementioned character had spent quite a bit of time. Through conversations with the instructor, my brain began to spin out of control into a "Red flag! Red Flag!" drill; much of what he relayed about our mutual acquaintance was not only different, but contradictory on an epic scale.

Once myself and a few others sat down and began comparing stories and doing some research, it became apparent that this guy had woven quite a tapestry of un-truth. The truly crafty part about it all was in how he did it; his stories to everyone were tailored based on who he was telling them to. So if he were talking to a former Special Forces operator, he wouldn't talk about things like teaching guerrilla warfare in Afghanistan; if he were talking to a former SEAL, he wouldn't talk about attacking a beach, etc. He would actually figure out what your background was and craft his history accordingly. Pretty amazing actually, as it took a fair amount of intelligence to think that far ahead. What he apparently never thought of though, was that all of these people he talked to would ever communicate with one another.

Once we all compared notes, it was quite astonishing how deep the rabbit hole went. Everything from claiming to have a Master's degree (never finished his bachelors) to an intricate web of lies involving a search and rescue operation, Hurricane Katrina, and various ventures to Central America to do... whatever it is that super-secret agents like him do. Actually fairly impressive, if looked at objectively. His resume was even done overly vague, giving him an out should any of these questions arise.

The truly amazing aspects of this whole episode to me were that he was in his mid-forties (this is something you would expect from a 25 year-old kid), and also that he was a ridiculously nice guy. Most of the time when you run into people who make up stories and lie like this they are a massive pain in the ass to deal with (we figure this is why he was so successful at getting people to buy into his hype). What the hell makes someone create an entire background in his forties? One does not become a pathological liar overnight, so there had to be a pattern formed much earlier. But where? Was he in another field making up stories there? As near as we can tell, there are no records of him in the security field dating back further than 3 years. That means three years ago he had to have said "I know, I am super-secret operator man. Starting... now!" The psychology involved there is pretty fascinating to me. I'm really not even mad any more about being duped by someone I thought was a friend because it's more just a curiosity than anything else at this point. I want to know what makes a guy like that tick.

Once it was all said and done, a number of us basically felt swindled due to buying into his story. The saddest part of the whole episode is that he actually had the ability to perform his job at a high level. Well, until he started taking pictures of girls with soda bottles in their... uhh... special area and showing the pictures to people. Apparently that is what some refer to as "tacky" or "unprofessional" in the corporate world. Whatever. Next they'll start saying that you can't call a girl "toots" while slapping her on the butt and telling her to make some coffee. Ok, so maybe the guy was exhibiting signs of Loony-Tunes long before I noticed, but then again, have you read my blog? Spotting crazy is not exactly my forte.

Good stuff, though. Makes for a great story. Now I'm headed out to free all of the members of the Asian Dawn movement. Wolverines!!

Fenway, Ranching, and Following Garbage Trucks.

2007-07-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

Try and top that title, eh? Yeah, I think not.

So my adventure begins after my last posting, at which time I had just come back from Nashville (home of the greatest thinkers in the history of mankind. Einstein actually relocated there secretly. It's science). Just after coming home, I hopped on a flight out to Boston to play for the Red Sox. They needed some pitching and batting help, so they called me up. Yeah, I play. You didn't know that? I'm totally Major League caliber. I just don't do it regularly because I can't shoot people playing baseball. If they would just change that one rule...

But seriously, I actually only saw Fenway Park as we drove by it on the highway while heading out to the country for a relaxing visit with friends, co-workers, and the guy who actually pays me to ride on an airplane and kick illegal aliens out of the country. He basically uses the excuse of his son's birthday to invite all of his friends out for a few days of hanging out at the pool and watching movies on his super-small television (with an uber weak sound system, I might add). A good time was had by all, and surprisingly there wasn't a single drunken-adult injury related to either the pool or the "bouncy room." I'm as shocked as anyone. The real capper to the weekend came once everyone else had gone home and I found out that my gracious hosts were treating me to their massage therapist who comes once a week (and who was also at the party, jumping off the roof and hanging from the chandelier while claiming "godlike powers" which, to be honest, I found a little excessive). All that aside, she enabled me to be able to move my neck more than I have in about three months, forever putting her in my good graces (and maybe the part about her at the party is slightly exaggerated. A little).

After coming home from Boston (much, much later than scheduled -- thank you, Jet Blue!), it was off to Pueblo, CO. to visit a very close friend and do some ranchin'. That's right, I'm a rancher. You want horses trained? Call me. You want pigs fed and watered? Call me. You want bloodhounds taught how to track down bad guys? Call me. You want dog poop cleaned out of your yard? Don't call me, call the 9-year old who was helping me. He's better at it and it's his chore, not mine, ok?!?

The funny part is, I actually had a really good time. I've never been a huge animal person, but I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Pretty soon I think I'll be wearing nothing but Carhartts and ropers. Probably get into dipping tobacco, too. I can see that being a cool habit to pick up at the age of 34.

On my way back from Pueblo, I received a phone call from one of my former instructors saying that if I can fly myself out to Oakland, he can put me to work for a week or so. Are you kidding? Oakland? You mean the Paris of the West Coast? What Gucci is to clothing, Oakland is to culture; what Ferrari is to cars, Oakland is to serenity. So naturally I couldn't turn that opportunity down.

The real joy of it is in what I'm doing: The garbage truck drivers for Waste Management decided to go on strike because, get this, the company instituted a policy that if a driver causes three or more accidents that they would be fired. That's it. There is no dispute over pay, health benefits, etc. No, it's because they think it's "unfair" to be fired for causing accidents. Right. I'll just let that sink in and you can tumble it around in your brain for a while. Anyway, so the "scab" drivers are being harassed and, ergo, private security. Pretty boring work, to be honest, but driving through an angry picket line is nothing but a good time. On the first day I was in a suit and tie, and one lady yelled "nice f''n suit! Where'd you get it, Wal-Mart?!?!" I looked down and realized, why yes, yes I did get it at Wal-Mart. Why the heck would I wear a nice suit to follow a garbage truck? Hey, at least I wasn't wearing a dark blue blazer with black pants, white shirt, black tie, and white socks like my partner that day was. Wow. That was... something.

Currently I am just hanging around the hotel lobby, waiting to go in to work later today and see what kind of fun is going on. Things are pretty mellow, so I'm guessing this won't last real long. Once I'm done, I will share a couple more stories about some of the "high speed" individuals I have encountered. Good times.

Until then, stay off the horse that looks you in the eye and smiles, and don't go out riding in a car with a guy who is claiming to do "tactical maneuvers" because he lost sight of his objective while checking out girls in other cars. He's probably not the most "squared away" guy on the team. Just sayin'.

Travel Blogging: Nashville Edition

2007-07-01T18:08:00.000-07:00

Oh what a wonderful place the South is. I had nearly forgotten how much of an absolute joy it is to dine at high class establishments such as Waffle House and... well, Waffle House. And also that Waffle House over there. They certainly haven't gone out of business since I left the South in 2004. Oh sure, some of you may be saying "but weren't you in Louisiana just a couple of months ago for work?" And to you I say: prove it. I admit to nothing to do with that state, now or in the past. May it be barred from my memory as well as yours.

But I'll tell you what, no where on earth can you have a more in-depth conversation about politics, socio-economic dynamics, or how we should just make various third-world countries into parking lots than the counter at Waffle House. And all over a healthy, low-fat meal, I might add. Ahh yes, good times.

So now I am sitting and killing time in my hotel room in Nashville after completing a 3 day Urban Escape & Evasion course hosted by On Point Tactical Tracking School. The course was considerably laid back -- almost to a fault -- but offered up some very useful tidbits of knowledge regarding movement around a city. Nashville provided quite an interesting back-drop for the course, as it seems to be sort of a country western version of San Francisco. Just replace all of the hippies with failed country singers -- who sit on the corner playing Hank Williams songs as opposed to Grateful Dead -- and that's pretty much it in a nutshell. Oh and there's no China Town. I don't think they take to well to "their kind" around these here parts.

Our practical exercise took place yesterday, with the students being assigned tasks to complete around the city, all while attempting to avoid being seen or caught. Three of us started in a hotel room, hand-cuffed to one another with hoods on. Boy am I glad the maid didn't come in at that time. Once freeing ourselves we made our way through town doing things like picking padlocks and bringing them back to the instructor, collecting information from various "sources," and moving without being caught.

The instructors of course made things a little more interesting by being in disguises; most of the students did the same. I ran into one of the instructors but managed to lose him by pulling off what will probably become known as one of the greatest escapes of all time: when he looked down to call the other instructor with his phone, I ducked into a parking garage. Yeah, I know. Pretty freakin' awesome. I'm like some sort of James Bond or something, except better looking and way more successful with the ladies. They would write books about it, but I would have to kill them for talking about me.

All in all it was a pretty good time, but I think it could have been a lot more intense. Not to say that I didn't learn anything, but I'm a pretty big believer in being pushed; I like to feel as if I was really challenged. Like that time I watched Predator for the first time. Man, just trying to wrap your mind around the dynamics of that masterpiece was like an emotional and intellectual marathon.

And so now I sit in front of my hotel room TV flipping between Fox News' brilliant analysis of the Scotland terror incident -- it's boiled down to news commentators discussing other news commentator's opinions -- and... a whole lot of nothing else. I could go back to the Waffle House, I suppose...

Happenings

2007-06-27T13:38:00.000-07:00

Time for a quick run-down of what's going on.

Let's see here... News: California is on fire. Again. VP Cheney's office has been subpoenaed (I think for prostitution, not sure, I didn't really "read" the article), and of course, the iPhone comes out tomorrow (me likey). Oh and even more important than all of those is the expedition planned to hunt for Bigfoot. Uhh, that's "Mister Foot" to you, pal.

Entertainment: Went and saw the movie 1408 the other night. No, it's not about Vikings discovering America years before Columbus (although there really should be more viking movies, ya know?); it's a "thriller" with John Cusack and some haunted hotel room. Ooooh, I'm SO SCARED. This movie unfortunately falls into the same trap that nearly every scary movie does: It's not scary. It was a decent movie, in terms of production level, acting, effects; yet it sorely lacked the guaranteed recipe for success. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about Hooters girls and Ninjas. Without those, what kind of a chance do you really have at making solid entertainment? Not much, says this pundit.

Personal life: Today I am headed to Nashville to take a three-day Urban E & E (Escape and Evasion) class. That shows wicked amounts of potential for good story time, so stay tuned for updates.

Not much else to report for the time being, so I'll just leave you to go back to your knitting. 'Cause I know that's what you were all doing, ya big bunch of ninnies.

Testing...

2007-06-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

Just checking to see if the old Blogspot site works, and I'll be darned, it does.

I'm not able to do as much stuff on this one, but hey, this might work out better because it will make me just write, instead of trying to be fancy. Oh and it's free. That's kinda neat, too.

The Funny is MOVING

2006-04-24T22:39:00.000-07:00

Well, it is time. Bigger and better things, I say. So for those of you that just can't get enough witty news, movie and music commentary, please come visit the new and improved Twisted Sense of Funny at the new site. I promise a good time, or your money back.

National Security

2006-04-24T15:04:00.000-07:00

It's this easy, folks.

Ha. Funny stuff. Read the whole thing.

BEING DIFFICULT

2006-04-24T07:13:00.000-07:00

Blogspot is being uber-difficult this morning, so this is a test to see if I can actually, ya know, publish something.

That's ok, blogspot. Your time is coming (stay tuned for details).

I Want Some McNookie

2006-04-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

In the never ending quest to bring you up to date, edge of your seat news, I bring you this story, via Drudge.

Billed as libido in an atomiser, PT-141 will finally offer women the chance to
turn on their sexual desire as and when they need it. Or so the science says.
But there are concerns. Will sex in a spray usher in an age of 'McNookie' -
quick easy couplings low on emotional nutrition?

It's a little bit early (in the morning, that is. Not in this story) to fully grasp the potential of "nasal spray sex," but rest assured, I will be doing a full investigation as soon as possible. Anything else would be a disservice to this site, to you, and more importantly, to the very essence of freedom itself.

Musical Tranquility For The Weekend

2006-04-22T14:59:00.000-07:00

MasKau! Maskau! Ho ho ho ho ho!

Don't blame me for this nonsense. It's Mrs. Wakeandahalf's fault for making me link it. I swear.

Hee Hee

2006-04-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Hugh Grant fought Donny Osmond? I know, it has cost me many a nights sleep too. Well rest easy. Peace of mind is only a click away.

Lazy

2006-04-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

Due to a lot of homework, and playoff hockey, I'm leaving it up to you, the reader, for the weekend discussion.

The topic outline is this: What is the biggest and most important news story facing us today? And also, what is the most overrated topic of current events?

Although annotated bibliographies will not be required for this assignment, plagiarism will not go unpunished.

Movie Review: The Sentinel

2006-04-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

In a reversal of the norm, Hollywood decides to capitalize on a television show to make a movie. Our hero Jack Bauer makes it to the big screen in The Sentinel, a movie about a plot to assassinate the President of the United States by a mole inside the Secret Service. Oh yeah sure, his name isn't Jack Bauer in this movie, but whatever. Same thing.

Anyhoo, the movie begins with a bunch of stuff about the Secret Service doing stuff, then goes to show Jack T. Colton doing stuff, then it shows some guy killing an agent. Whoa, you can't do that, pal. It's a crime. So then some rookie girl agent shows up to Jack Bauer's office and says she is going to be his apprentice. Cool, she's pretty, so he says "ok." Her first assignment, of course, is to accompany him to investigate the aforementioned murdered agent. Jack Bauer exerts his authority smoothly over the local keystone-cops by saying a whole bunch of whiz-bang technical investigative stuff... I don't really know, I wasn't paying attention. I was waiting for him to shoot one them or say something about not having "enough time!!!" Then the pretty rookie said some stuff to show that she was worthy of the prestigious role of a Secret Service agent. I don't know what, I was waiting for her to get naked. She didn't.

The president then makes his first appearance and, what's this? It's Sledgehammer! I waited for him to pull out his gigantic handgun and start shooting stuff. He didn't.

Of course, Jack T. Colton, who's job is to protect the president's wife (played here by Vicki Vail), and his undeniable animal-like machismo find a way into the first lady's knickers. They almost showed it, but thankfully, they didn't.

After that they try to develop some sort of a "plot," but alas, they don't. You can figure out the whole thing in about the first ten minutes. They main bad guy is exactly who you think it is, and the good guys always get shot in the shoulder/side/butt (if they have a title role. Otherwise, sorry for you agent Jones, you lose). The bad guys, conversely, will die in a manor that is directly proportional to how bad they were, and how deeply involved with the conspiracy they were (if they were deep, there is always going to be the dying breath confessional).

Overall, Jack Bauer doesn't kill anywhere near enough people, or use that many high-tech gizmos. Come to think of it, not once did he reposition a satellite. What a rip-off. But it's actually somewhat entertaining. There are even a number of pretty funny parts, so it doesn't try too hard to be serious. It's a good mindless movie, I suppose.

Incidentally, I'm about sick of technical malfunctions at theaters. Theater owners wonder why numbers are dwindling, but how hard is it to get a projector that, say, projects? It's a lot to ask for, I know. At any rate, it's no mystery to me why fewer and fewer people are going to the theaters and more are just staying home and renting. The first five minutes of our movie (at UNITED ARTISTS THEATERS) the bottom half of the screen was invisible. Huh, is that normal? Weird how people from the audience actually need to tell the people working there when that happens. Heaven forbid they check it out themselves. But hey, all is made fair because I GOT A FREE PASS! Gee, how can I ever be upset after that?