Madonna Teaches Us How To Live

Madonna Scolds America - I know, a real shocker that the ever-humble Madonna isn't totally pleased with the very source of her wealth.

Madonna has accused American citizens of being afraid of electing a female as
president of the United States. She believes Americans are frightened by the
concept. She explains: "In Europe and Asia and elsewhere, women have ruled over
millions..."

When asked to define what country or continent was represented by her term "elsewhere," the material girl's head tilted backwards, her jaw dislocated and opened up a cavernous hole allowing hundreds of wasps to fly out and swarm the interviewer. Confirming theories held by many that she in fact sold her soul to the un-dead years ago.

I, for one, am ashamed of myself for not being keyed in to the higher thought processes that she obviously is. How have I made it this far through life? Not very well, obviously. I only hope that she can forgive the poor American people for their wretched ways long enough to come back and make another one of her super great albums/books/movies.

Go read the site I stole the story from. They make fun of her real good.

Drunken Stupidity Can Make You Money

Woman falls off piano, sues restaurant - You can probably already see what's coming, but what the heck, torture yourself and read further.

A woman is suing a Sarasota, Florida restaurant after she fell while
dancing atop a lounge piano. The 57-year-old woman fell backward off the piano
to the floor of the restaurant. Attorneys for the restaurant, Michael's on East,
say it was the result of the woman's drunkenness and carelessness. They say they
can't be responsible for the actions of intoxicated people. But the lawsuit says
the restaurant's director encouraged her to climb up on the piano, and even took
her by the arm and helped her climb up. The suit says she suffered a lingering
neck injury.

Unless "encouraged her to climb up on the piano" means exactly the same thing as "forced against her will with the barrel of a gun and threats of physical harm from a large gorilla," then I hope she spends thousands of dollars of her own money on this lawsuit and gets nothing.

Taking a page from the "I learned everything I need to know about life from the movie Animal House" book; fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life miss piano-dancer.

Were They in Deliverance?

The time-warp family who walk on all fours - (via Drudge) Good start to the story, read on.

An extraordinary family who walk on all fours are being hailed as the
breakthrough discovery which could shed light on the moment Man first stood
upright.
Scientists believe that the five brothers and sisters found in
Turkey could hold unique insights into human evolution.

Yeah, unique insight into generations of in-breeding maybe.

Researchers have found a genetic condition which accounts for their
extraordinary movement.

The genetic condition seems eerily similar to the "marry-your-sister gene" found in certain "hill people" of the south.

The five are all mentally retarded. Their mother and father, who are closely
related are believed to have handed down a unique combination of genes which
result in the behaviour.

Ahh, there it is. It's not that they are a "missing link" so much as they are just missing... something. With any luck, they can end up in the Jim Rose circus and be exploited, er, "used" to their full potential.

Hijack

I'm completely ripping off a topic from Dave at Garfield Ridge because I think it's an interesting post, and it hits pretty close to home.

We all know how hard it is to get Hollywood interested in "patriotic"
themes.
Here we are, almost five years into a global war against a
determined enemy, and how many movies on the War on Terror have we seen?
Let alone movies that portray America as the good guys in this war? None
too many.

Agreed, and the sad part is, it will probably only get worse.

Anyway, here's why I set this all up: the
increasingly controversial case of Pat Tillman. I have a simple
question, really. Back when Tillman was just a "processed war hero,"
Hollywood didn't seem to care one bit to hear his story. But now that
Tillman's tragic story looks to be complicated by all sorts of things ranging
from Army bureaucratic incompetence to (now) potential criminal negligence, who
here can imagine Hollywood climbing ALL OVER the Tillman story?

As I said, this hits pretty close to home. I met Tillman about two months before he was killed, and since then have trained with a guy who knew him very well. He was nothing short of a genuine, good soul. The problem is, most of us knew that long ago, and it would be absolutely tragic for Hollywood to (now) capitalize on that, just based on the fact that it is a blemish on the U.S. Government. Yet, as much as I would like to say differently, it's very likely to happen.

Thoughts are always welcome, and much appreciated.

Easy Target

I know, this is too easy, but any chance I get to make fun of Barbara Streisand, I'm all over it.

Barbra Streisand has launched a new spelling error-ridden dispatch on the
Internet -- a dispatch that mocks President Bush for being a "C student!"

Oh, she is just so classy.

In
her February 28th, 2006 essay, Streisand flubs 11 words, a personal record.•
Irag• curruption• dictatoriship• crediblity• Adminstration• warrented•
desperatly• preceedings• ouside• subpoening• responsibilty

Now now, don't be too harsh. Microsoft Word is reely esspenssive.

And this time around, Streisand makes four spelling errors -- in one
sentence!["In the 1970’s, during the Nixon Adminstration, serious political
curruption arose and the Republican leadership stepped up and took responsibilty
by holding hearings and subpoening administration officials."]

Wow. Simply stunning. The thing that surprises me most is that, with her arrogance, you would think she would just hire someone to write that stuff for her.

"The arrogance of this C student," Streisand says of Bush.

I think that one is my favorite. Which ivy league school did you attend, Barbara? Oh that's right, you got your degree at Whore College. Totally different curriculum. What a loon. This post is going to make the blogspot spell check explode.

Movie Review: Ultraviolet

Ever wondered what a group of 13 year-old boys who do nothing but read comics and play video games would do if they had a whole gob of money to throw at a movie? Well wonder no more, Ultraviolet will answer that question.

To be quite honest, I'm not really even sure what I just watched. It seemed much more like a video game than a movie. Cancel that; it seemed more like a commercial for a video game than a movie. Visually speaking, it was pretty cool to look at. Very interesting colors and effects, and it didn't hurt that Milla Jovovich managed to squeeze herself into some pretty tight outfits. As for her acting... Did I mention that she looked good?

Absolutely no plot to speak of whatsoever. Something about infected blood, big evil corporations, a little kid who holds all the secrets, blaa blaa blaa... Don't go see this movie for any kind of "story." See it if you want to watch Miss Jovovich jump around kicking people and slicing them up with a sword. Which, in all reality, is there any other reason you would want to see a movie?

Spike Lee Knows Everything

Firebrand director Spike Lee has found an unlikely new target for his latest spray: the secretary of state. - Professional whiner Spike Lee has, well, been whining again.

"People say, 'She's so successful' and 'Look at her position as a black
woman.' She is a black woman who grew up in Birmingham, Ala., and said that she
never experienced a day of racism in her life," Lee tells the April issue of
Stuff magazine.

Umm, I don't think she's a successful "black woman." I would be more inclined to say that she is a successful person. Pretty sure that the position of Secretary of State ranks right up near the top in terms of "success."

"I know you love your Ferragamo shoes, but come on. While people were drowning
in New Orleans, she was going up and down Madison Ave. buying Ferragamo shoes.
Then she went to see 'Spamalot.'"

I'm always curious to know what people like Spike Lee would actually have these leaders do in times of crisis. Forget about the simple fact for a moment that domestic emergency management is not even fall under the State Departments scope of operations. Let's say it did; then what, Spikey? Would you have her tromping through waste deep water trying to patch the levees? Flying a helicopter rescuing people? I could actually see that, though. Madame Secretary in her thigh-high leather boots, kicking down doors and slinging people over her shoulder while climbing up a rope ladder and into a helicopter. Totally plausible.

Simple fact: People who are "on the ground" in these emergency situations don't want leadership hovering over their shoulder. It's called "micro-management" and most people don't like it. They're kind of funny that way.

Best Book Title

The living dead beat rhino horn to be named Oddest Book Title of the Year - Think that headline doesn't make any sense? It will all become clear in a moment:

Bookseller magazine gave the award Friday to a self-help book on being
haunted entitled "People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves
to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It."

Ahh, of course. That was a great read. But who, I'm sure you are wondering, was the runner up?

In a close fight, the runner-up was "Rhino Horn Stockpile Management: Minimum
Standards and Best Practices from East and Southern Africa."

Tough call. The story line in Rhino was so rich, so moving; but the characters in People Who Don't Know They're Dead just seem to jump off the pages at you. I'm glad there are people out there who can decide, because for my money, they're both winners.

Friday

The Friday funnies are up at GregBruns.com. If you only have time for a couple, be sure to check out the "Redneck Water Skiing" and "Saying F.O. To Jennifer A." And the New Zealand one, too. It's been around a while, but still pretty dang funny.

Geography is The Same as Politics

High school teacher's comments investigated by district - I think this guy desperately wants to be a college professor instead of a high school teacher.

"I'm not saying Bush and Hitler are exactly the same, obviously they're
not. OK? But there are some eerie similarities to the tones that they use," says
Bennish in his critique of U.S. economic and foreign policy.
Towards the end
of the class, Bennish goes on to say, "I'm not in anyway implying that you
should agree with me, I don't even know if I'm necessarily taking a position.
But what I'm trying to get you to do is to think about these issues more in
depth and not to just take things from the surface."

I actually think the quotes there are pretty tame compared to some of the things he says on the tape. The man actually proposes the idea that the U.S. and Mexico will go to war because of some chant by the crowd at a soccer game that was against Americans. Right. Gotcha.

And what is this fascination with comparing President Bush to Adolf Hitler? I have noticed this a lot in some of my college classes, and it baffles me. I don't care if you like the current administration or not, there is no comparison. At all. Get over it.

Listening to the tape, there is just so much here to comment on, I don't know where to start. The tenth grader who is taping him is actually more logical and thoughtful than the teacher. That's pretty scary.

(Live blogging the tape) The teacher is now preaching at his students about how the "intelligence world works" because, quite obviously, he is a seasoned veteran of covert operations the world wide.

We are also evil because we (the U.S.) were willing to let thousands die to get rid of Castro. Eh?

Now he is defending al Qaeda for their attacks because the CIA and FBI had offices in the World Trade Center. Beautiful.

He then absolves himself from any responsibility with the words "You need to decide this for yourselves."

Ahh, listen to the tape if you can. Kind long, but it makes up for that by infuriating you.

Alternative Sports Rule

Fellow Las Vegas blogger and future presidential hopeful, Sobek, has a great idea for a sport called "beat the cripple."

I see a future for this game. I think I've played it before, but without the wheelchair. Ha.

Movies Predict the Future

Pentagon looks to shark spies for ocean research -

Yeah right. "Research." We're talking about the possibility of sharks with friggin lasers on them!
Who the heck cares about "research" with something like this? I see way more possibilities here.

Grade School Has Changed

Bags Of Cocaine Brought To Class By Second-Grader - Ahh yes, I remember when we had "Controlled substance show-and-tell" day. What a hoot. I would have received an "A" in class that day, but little Susie-miss-one-upmanship just had to bring in her own home-made recipe for ecstasy. Yeah, like her mom and dad didn't help her with that. Whatever.

He's *Still* Smarter Than Me

I should just rename this blog "The Un-official Victor Davis Hanson link site" since that's all I really have to offer in terms of intellectual stimulation. "Here, read this! Then come back to my site and I will talk about Monkeys and Chocodiles."

An excerpt:

We point fingers at each other; soldiers under fire point to their achievements:
Largely because they fight jihadists over there, there has not been another 9/11
here. Because Saddam is gone, reform is not just confined to Iraq, but taking
hold in Lebanon, Egypt and the Gulf. We hear the military is nearly ruined after
conducting two wars and staying on to birth two democracies; its soldiers feel
that they are more experienced and lethal, and on the verge of pulling off the
nearly impossible: offering a people terrorized from nightmarish oppression
something other than the false choice of dictatorship or theocracy--and making
the U.S. safer for the effort.

Just read it. You know you want to. All the cool kids are doing it.

Makes Sense

Girl Weds Stray Dog - Sounds good so far...

A girl was forced to marry a dog because her superstitious family thought her
teeth had brought them bad luck. Seven-year-old Shivam Munda was told to wed the stray after her upper teeth arrived before her lower teeth.

She's lucky that's all she had to do. So help me if any daughter of mine ever lets her upper teeth come in first...

Her father Kundan, a coal miner, said it was a bad omen and had brought an
"evil eye" on her and her family.

I remember getting the "evil eye" a few times when I was a kid. If only I had known that I could have averted all of that trouble by simply marrying the dog, my childhood would have been much less traumatic.

Pink is a Genius

Kudos to the artist Pink for making this video. The song itself is nothing to get too revved up about, but her brutal rip on the likes of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan is too funny not to link.

He's Just a Big Softie

Bin Laden 'likes hugs not kisses' - No, I didn't just make that headline up.

Australia's "Jihad Jack", convicted of receiving funds from al-Qaeda, says
Osama Bin Laden does not like being kissed but is happy to be hugged.

He also quoted bin Laden saying "I feel like, sometimes, like, there isn't, like, a lot of like, 'truth' out there, in like, you know like, most relationships these days. Some people are like, soo fake, ya know?" Ok, so maybe I made some of that part up. Slightly.

My favorite quote from Jihad Jack -

"I never really thought I'd be a Muslim," he told ABC. "I'd say, 'Oh look, you
know, I really love your religion but I really love my beer'."

Well, you do have to prioritize.

Thomas said an al-Qaeda operative, Khaled Bin Attash, told him Bin Laden
wanted a "white boy" to carry out terrorist attacks in Australia.
Thomas
said Bin Attash told him there was $10,000 for anyone attempting a terrorist
strike there.

You wouldn't do it for $10,00? Geez, I can't imagine why not. Sounds like a great deal.

While accepting that he might be "naive and an idealist", Thomas added he would
never have wanted to hurt innocent people, The Age quoted him as saying.

Naive and idealistic? Surely you jest. This guy sounds totally on the level. And sober.

Da Vinci Code Nonsense

'Da Vinci Code' Author Accused in Copyright Suit - Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code best selling novel of grandiose crapola, finally ended up in court for it.

Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh, authors of "The Holy Blood and the Holy
Grail," sued Random House, which also published their book. Random House denies
the claim.
Baigent and Leigh claim Brown appropriated their ideas and themes
in writing his book, which has sold more than 25 million copies worldwide since
its 2003 publication.

This is humorous to me, because when I first heard the premise behind Da Vinci Code, I said "hey, that's exactly like what it says in Holy Blood, Holy Grail." I just always assumed he used that as a source and gave credit. Apparently not.

The ironic twist to this whole story (and why I link it) is the complete debunking of Holy Blood, Holy Grail by secular and non-secular historians alike. Essentially, as far as the historicity of it, the book holds about as much weight as most conspiracy theories - i.e. none. So basically, Brown not only plagiarized, but he did it from a book of total nonsense. And he became a millionaire doing it. Let this be a lesson to you kids out there.

For a more in-depth look at both books, check out this article. Fascinating topic that I would write more on if I wasn't so busy looking for my own book to steal from.

Oh Happy Day

Although I originally saw the commercials a couple of years ago on the web, not until today did I find out that there is an entire web site devoted to the genius known as "Trunk Monkey." If you haven't already seen the videos, do yourself a favor and watch a few of them.

Now if only my trunk monkey would get here. Apparently he's on back order.

DVD Review: Domino

Supposedly based on the true story of one Domino Harvey, the movie Domino can be summed up by saying: Meh.

I would guess that the "based on a true story" tagline of this one comes from the fact that there was a girl named Domino, she was the daughter of a famous actor, and she became a bounty hunter. Past that, I'm guessing the producers took a few liberties. Like, say, the whole rest of the movie. I'm sitting here trying to come up with some redeeming qualities in the movie, but I am coming up pretty short. What's weird is that it's not that bad of a movie, it's just not that good, either. Unless you are a huge fan of Keira Knightley (which is not a bad thing), don't bother. Ultimately, it becomes one of those movies that never really decides if it is trying to be serious and realistic or not. Which essentially drives me nuts. One way or the other, dang- nabbit!

Incidentally, the real Domino Harvey died shortly before the release of this movie of a drug overdose. So it's a little tough to buy into the whole glamorization of her life. Which is weird, 'cause I figured bounty hunters were the epitome of class.