Pick-up Lines: A Review

Yahoo posted up this article with the statement that it containes pick-up lines that "work." I am, to put it mildly, highly skeptical. Let's have a look at what they have, shall we?

From a stand up comedian I've never heard of: "I’ll stare at people until they notice me and say, ‘What are you looking at?’ and it totally works in terms of breaking the ice."

You know what else that works for accomplishing? Getting a restraining order, or punched in the face. I have to be honest, I liked neither of those when I got...er, I mean from the people I know, both are painful. Or so I've heard.

From a celebrity hairdresser (right, because they are clearly experts):"Being casual and friendly goes a long way towards establishing trust with someone. Also, use the fact that everyone has an image or fantasy of who they are inside. Tell the person he or she reminds you of a certain celebrity and maybe continue the conversation by asking, ‘If you could be any celebrity, who would it be?’ You’d be surprised by some of the answers you might get!"

Being casual and friendly is the fastest possible route to the "friend zone." Ever been there? It's not a place where hope's and dreams are made, I can tell you. And if you really think you want to know what the average person has for a "fantasy of who they are inside," then you are just asking for a walk down Crazy Lane. I'm sure I would be surprised by some of the answers I got, but only because the average person's detached view of reality never ceases to amaze me.

From "Carrie"(?): "Do something crazy with your girlfriends. My friends and I used to play a game where one of us would go up to a guy the other thought was cute and say, ‘My friend over there is psychic and we can prove it.’ We had a whole system worked out, but the guys would go along because they’re always up for an outrageous story.”

News flash for guys who run into these girls: Anyone claiming, even as a joke, to be "psychic" should be avoided at all costs. This includes running away screaming at the mention of said "system" and, if necessary, setting yourself on fire to avoid further conversation. It will be less painful than the alternative.

From the owner of Brooklyn At! clothing (I totally shop there all the time): "Treat the person you want to talk to as a human being -- as opposed to someone you just want to pick up."

Hey, Danny? If you're not even going to try, then just go sit in the corner. You're banned from giving more advice.

The next quote is from the former ambassador to South Korea. Do we really send people with awesome pick-up skills to talk to South Koreans? You know the answer to that one. Next!

Dr. (riiiight) Joy Brown, clinical psychologist: "Pick something in the environment around you that you can comment on; for example, say, ‘Isn’t that the ugliest painting you ever saw?’"

This one actually has potential. Like this one time when I was at the zoo, there was a really attractive girl next to me at one of the cages. I shouted "hey, that's how baby monkeys are made! Woo hoo!!" She then flashed me a look that was clearly one of attraction. Or abject horror. Either way we are getting married this month, and it has much more to do with primate procreation than it does with any of the roofies I slipped her, I can assure you.

There is one more suggestion from a writer for the New York Post, but I don't read it and have my doubts as to the true existence of this place they call "New York" anyway. So I'm not including that one, but instead will just rant on for a few more minutes about how bad the last Indiana Jones was. Yes, I know it's completely unrelated, but seriously... did you see that movie? They couldn't leave well-enough alone, could they? Nooooooo. Just had to go and ruin the perfect trilogy. Sure glad George Lucas made out like a bandit on that hunk of poo. I'm not at all bitter at him for it.

The moral of the story is that the first three Indiana Jones movies are way, way cooler than trying to pick up girls in public places. That's why I chose eBay for my meeting ground. One can bid...er, talk to the type of girl they want without a hint of pressure. I highly recommend it for anyone who is scared so bad they pee their pants like me when talking to strangers. I guess I never got over the fact that Blinky the Clown said it was a bad thing to do.