The Funny is MOVING

Well, it is time. Bigger and better things, I say. So for those of you that just can't get enough witty news, movie and music commentary, please come visit the new and improved Twisted Sense of Funny at the new site. I promise a good time, or your money back.

National Security

It's this easy, folks.

Ha. Funny stuff. Read the whole thing.

BEING DIFFICULT

Blogspot is being uber-difficult this morning, so this is a test to see if I can actually, ya know, publish something.

That's ok, blogspot. Your time is coming (stay tuned for details).

I Want Some McNookie

In the never ending quest to bring you up to date, edge of your seat news, I bring you this story, via Drudge.

Billed as libido in an atomiser, PT-141 will finally offer women the chance to
turn on their sexual desire as and when they need it. Or so the science says.
But there are concerns. Will sex in a spray usher in an age of 'McNookie' -
quick easy couplings low on emotional nutrition?

It's a little bit early (in the morning, that is. Not in this story) to fully grasp the potential of "nasal spray sex," but rest assured, I will be doing a full investigation as soon as possible. Anything else would be a disservice to this site, to you, and more importantly, to the very essence of freedom itself.

Musical Tranquility For The Weekend

MasKau! Maskau! Ho ho ho ho ho!

Don't blame me for this nonsense. It's Mrs. Wakeandahalf's fault for making me link it. I swear.

Lazy

Due to a lot of homework, and playoff hockey, I'm leaving it up to you, the reader, for the weekend discussion.

The topic outline is this: What is the biggest and most important news story facing us today? And also, what is the most overrated topic of current events?

Although annotated bibliographies will not be required for this assignment, plagiarism will not go unpunished.

Movie Review: The Sentinel

In a reversal of the norm, Hollywood decides to capitalize on a television show to make a movie. Our hero Jack Bauer makes it to the big screen in The Sentinel, a movie about a plot to assassinate the President of the United States by a mole inside the Secret Service. Oh yeah sure, his name isn't Jack Bauer in this movie, but whatever. Same thing.

Anyhoo, the movie begins with a bunch of stuff about the Secret Service doing stuff, then goes to show Jack T. Colton doing stuff, then it shows some guy killing an agent. Whoa, you can't do that, pal. It's a crime. So then some rookie girl agent shows up to Jack Bauer's office and says she is going to be his apprentice. Cool, she's pretty, so he says "ok." Her first assignment, of course, is to accompany him to investigate the aforementioned murdered agent. Jack Bauer exerts his authority smoothly over the local keystone-cops by saying a whole bunch of whiz-bang technical investigative stuff... I don't really know, I wasn't paying attention. I was waiting for him to shoot one them or say something about not having "enough time!!!" Then the pretty rookie said some stuff to show that she was worthy of the prestigious role of a Secret Service agent. I don't know what, I was waiting for her to get naked. She didn't.

The president then makes his first appearance and, what's this? It's Sledgehammer! I waited for him to pull out his gigantic handgun and start shooting stuff. He didn't.

Of course, Jack T. Colton, who's job is to protect the president's wife (played here by Vicki Vail), and his undeniable animal-like machismo find a way into the first lady's knickers. They almost showed it, but thankfully, they didn't.

After that they try to develop some sort of a "plot," but alas, they don't. You can figure out the whole thing in about the first ten minutes. They main bad guy is exactly who you think it is, and the good guys always get shot in the shoulder/side/butt (if they have a title role. Otherwise, sorry for you agent Jones, you lose). The bad guys, conversely, will die in a manor that is directly proportional to how bad they were, and how deeply involved with the conspiracy they were (if they were deep, there is always going to be the dying breath confessional).

Overall, Jack Bauer doesn't kill anywhere near enough people, or use that many high-tech gizmos. Come to think of it, not once did he reposition a satellite. What a rip-off. But it's actually somewhat entertaining. There are even a number of pretty funny parts, so it doesn't try too hard to be serious. It's a good mindless movie, I suppose.

Incidentally, I'm about sick of technical malfunctions at theaters. Theater owners wonder why numbers are dwindling, but how hard is it to get a projector that, say, projects? It's a lot to ask for, I know. At any rate, it's no mystery to me why fewer and fewer people are going to the theaters and more are just staying home and renting. The first five minutes of our movie (at UNITED ARTISTS THEATERS) the bottom half of the screen was invisible. Huh, is that normal? Weird how people from the audience actually need to tell the people working there when that happens. Heaven forbid they check it out themselves. But hey, all is made fair because I GOT A FREE PASS! Gee, how can I ever be upset after that?

Because I Link Better Than I Write

Mark Levin has a killer round-up of current events on his blog.

If you go read it, and finish it, I'll let you come back here and have desert.

F F F Friday

Friday funnies, once again, via the Brunsinator.

"The police officer *advises* the suspect to pull over." Ha.

Does it Get Any Better?

Go here and tell me the answer to the above question.

You Can Do That?

Man Offers Free Breast Exams, Finds Some Takers: Doctor Impersonator Charged With Sexual Assault - Uh oh. I had no idea that was against the law...

LAUDERDALE LAKES, Fla. -- Broward sheriff's deputies have arrested a 76-year-old
man they say was going door to door offering women free breast exams.

I like where this is going.

One 36-year-old woman said she let Winikoff into her apartment.
She [said] after he touched her breasts, he moved his hand to her
genitals. She said one she realized that Winikoff was not a real doctor and she
called the Broward Sheriff's Office.

What on earth tipped her off, I wonder? Was it when he touched her special area? Or was it the fact that he's a DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN GROPING YOUR BREASTS?!?!?

Investigators said by that time, Winikoff had already found another victim; a
33-year-old woman who lives in the same complex. That woman told deputies that
Winikoff also sexually assaulted her.

I would just like to point out the use of the word "victim" here. Let's see, you let a strange man into your house and play with your melons because he says he is a doctor, and you are a "victim." Okey dokey.

Thanks to My Pet Jawa for the story.

Tax Dollars, Hard at Work

HOMELAND SECURITY: U.S. data on LV challenged - Bah, we here in Las Vegas don't mind. We're not important.

The federal government relied on inaccurate data to help justify dropping
Las Vegas from a list of cities eligible for special anti-terrorism funding,
according to county officials who viewed the information last week.
The
officials said they identified at least 25 mistakes in classified U.S.
Department of Homeland Security data, including information asserting that the
Las Vegas area has no convention centers or military bases.

No convention centers or military bases. Umm, come again? Are we talking about the same Las Vegas? Perhaps they mean Las Vegas, New Mexico.

Marc Short, a spokesman for the Homeland Security Department, said the
convention centers might not have met the standards for what his agency
considers "critical infrastructure."
"There needs to be a threshold of
traffic or economic consequence or number of innocent victims that would be
affected by an incident that would qualify it to be counted as infrastructure,"
Short said.

True. Las Vegas doesn't get many business related tourism. Or do they...

John Piet, senior research analyst for the Las Vegas Convention and
Visitors Authority, said the city's convention centers are among the biggest,
busiest, and most economically important in the nation.
Last year, 6.2
million people visited the convention halls, creating an overall economic impact
of $7.6 billion, Piet said.

Huh. There is definitely some sort of discrepancy there. Not sure what, but I'm working on it.

Short said he couldn't comment about the Air Force base not being
listed.

Yeah, I don't blame him. Nellis AFB is, after all, just small time. It's not like the Air Force runs their biggest exercise outside of actual war there. Oh wait, yes they do.

It's a wonder how it is that the Department of Homeland security is able to even tie its own shoes with oversights like this one. This is the type of thing that blows conspiracy theories out of the water. Departments of the government don't even know what resources they have let alone how to manipulate them. There is a lot more in the article, if you want to be depressed about the quality with which your tax-dollars are being flushed, er, spent.

Time To Let Go

Yeah, this has been around for a while, but it's a classic. Terribly sick and wrong, but classic.

The Court Jesters

There are just so many things I find amusing on this page that I'm not quite sure where to begin.

Tom Cruise in a recent interview:

"Your cynical media colleagues cast doubt over all the good that we do by
spreading a bunch of hocus pocus about us."

No, Tom, I'm afraid you take care of all the "hocus pocus" yourself when you talk about how you are going to eat your baby's placenta.

Mary J. Blige talking about God:

"He wants me to bling. He wants me to be the hottest thing on the block. I don't
know what kind of God the rest of y'all are serving, but the God I serve says,
'Mary, you need to be the hottest thing this year, and I'm gonna make sure
you're doing that'"

I think that can be backed up by scripture. It's in one of those little known verses, somewhere towards the back...

Kevin "the human leech" Federline on his decision to become a rapper:

"I don't have a choice. It's not like I can go and do construction, start
building houses in Malibu," K-Fed told Spin magazine. "They [The media] are
forcing me to do this, and I am glad they are. I am more than happy to do it."

And we, as a people, are more than happy to laugh hysterically as you fall flat on your face doing it. Is this guy serious? He really thinks the media forced him to do this? Wow, the media is even more powerful than I thought.

Sarah Jessica Parker whining about fame:

"Sometimes on the street I get the feeling people are disappointed with me as I
don't have the answers for them," Parker told Brazil's Epoca magazine. "I have
to remind them that I don't have a Ph.D. in sex or counseling. I'm an actress."

Oh come on, Sarah. You know the real reason they are disappointed in you is because you look even more like the charcter Skeletor from He-Man in person than you do on television. I would be freaked out, too. Skeletor was all kinds of bad news.

Art 101

Sobek takes us on a wonderful journey through a brief history of art, featuring Mr. Potato Head.

In this simple sculpture, we see that the Romans adopted the Greek focus on
excellence of form, as well as the underlying potato-based mythos. This
obsession with copying everything the Greeks did has led some scholars to
describe the Romans as "history's wankers."

Classic. If you want a good laugh, check it out.

Plot Holes

I thought about doing a post on last night's episode of 24, but this guy does a way better job. Kind of long, but very funny.

Kids Are Smrt

So, today in my political science class, one of the many flavors of youth decided to chime in with some ever informative wisdom. The topic was the President's bullet points for the budget, one of which being the promotion of "social compassion" and "family values." The aforementioned expert on all things government says "That's wrong, the government can't legislate 'family values.' That's just Bush trying to push his Christian values on everyone." Ok, fair enough point. He doesn't want the government stepping in and promoting family values as he doesn't believe it is their place. Fine.
About five minutes later, the subject of welfare and poverty came up, and this same student says "It's so wrong that the government doesn't step in and do more for the poor. We're fighting a war but we can't get people jobs." Now, I'm not the smartest guy in the world, so I'm wondering if I am missing something here. In my mind (however twisted it may be), there seems to be a serious disconnect with this logic. On the one hand, the government shouldn't meddle in people's business, and on the other, it should step in and fix everything. Gotcha.

When described like this, it seems quite contrite, but the fact is, this is actually right along the lines with how a large number of people think. I am just throwing this out there in case there is someone reading who thinks that I am maybe missing something. I understand that there is a point where government involvement can go overboard (Cuba, I'm looking in your direction), and there is also a point where it can be totally absent (anyone know if Haiti is for sale on the open market, yet?). However, the middle ground is obviously something that people are only willing to go to for issues that they feel passionately about. I really admire people that feel convicted about a subject, as long as they are willing to see it through. Yet this is often not the case. More times than not, tunnel vision sets in and it becomes difficult to relate separate issue to one another (e.g. the rise of global warming and a lack of legalized prostitution. Think about it).

The overall point being (in addition to my question of me possibly missing something here), is that if I am not, then how do people miss the connection? How do people not see that the redistribution of wealth leads to complacency? Why do they not see that lack of response to threats leads to more tragedy down the road? And why, oh why, do people think that Shakespeare is relevant at all? I mean seriously, that stuff is wickedly boring and... oh, different topic.

Anyway, just a few afternoon thoughts.

The Weight Debate, Part Two

I figured that after a post with a super-model, it was an appropriate time to bring up this topic again. This time, however, I am using the words of someone else. The lovely and talented Kell decided to write a piece on this topic which proves once again that she is smarter than me. So, without further ado:

While this is a topic not many people want to talk about, there are a few out there that truly can not understand how difficult weight issues are. Mr. Twisted, while I adore him, is one of them. He and I have had a conversation about this very subject. My first point being, that if you have never walked in a fat person’s shoes, you will never understand. This commentary will most likely include a number of TMI topics, so be warned! I have several sisters who are very heavy. My parents are overweight. My twin sister was the only one that escaped the wide-ass curse. But… she worked out an insane amount, rarely remembered to eat and was constantly moving. When she ate, she could really EAT! And it didn’t bother her, a la Mr. Twisted. I think she would have been actually happy if she had been able to hold on to some weight. Me? I have had five children in the last 16 years. Each pregnancy left me heavier than the last. Two years ago, after the final one, I was tired of it. I have lost 53 pounds since then. I am still not happy with the way I look, but that is my issue to deal with. But with this family history and a personal journey, I feel like I can put in a few thoughts on whose fault this is…. It is mine. It is yours. It is theirs.

It is not the fault of Big Food America. While they have helped us along, they didn’t threaten to pull the trigger. They HAVE made “Flavorists” a 1.4 billion dollar industry. 10,000 new processed foods are released every year. But diet food is artificial and not nutritional. It is empty food. Non fat food has as many calories as most regular fat foods. Low Fat and Non Fat labels does not mean healthy. But there is a freedom to being a consumer. I don’t have to buy them. I can read the labels and find this out myself. I can shop the ring of the store and avoid the crap… (Fresh produce, dairy, and leans meats are stocked around the outside of every store. The center is the danger zone!) It isn't just a fast food nation that is to blame. 85% of the food we consume is purchased at a store.

People who blame the media? Yes, they portray unrealistic expectations of what beautiful is. But I have to decide if that is beautiful, now don’t I? I can disagree... I can say that I don’t find slim and nearly emaciated women beautiful. Interesting tidbit… The island of Fiji idolized women who were round, soft and curvy as being beautiful. Western television was introduced and within 2 1/2 years they were dealing with eating disorders. Unheard of prior to TV exposure. An average model is 5’11 and weighs 117 pounds. An average woman in the US is 5’4 and weighs 140 pounds. (Woo Hoo I am tall!) By 4th grade, 80% of girls have tried a diet. But it is still a personal choice and a parent’s responsibility.

There is a reason that the Diet Industry is worth billions. Americans spend as much on diet products as the Federal Government spends on education, every year. And that does not include athletic items, gym memberships, or fitness products. The industry preys on the vulnerability of people who don’t feel that they are good enough. Weight is an issue not just with food or lack of exercise. It has a lot to do with self esteem, feelings, depression, and is completely emotional. Not unlike drinking and drug use. It is estimated that 5-10 million women and over a million men have some sort of eating disorder. Food is a form of self torture for these people. Yet Americans are getting fatter by the day. They are sedentary and in 2005 spent 4 billion dollars on french fries and another 3 billion on potato chips. So where does that leave us?

Weight is a personal problem, not a national one. Yes, there are dealers out there (Lay’s, Ben and Jerry’s, Coca Cola, Hostess) with products that are hazardous to your health. But just like you can walk around the crack house, you can walk away from the crap. I had to be fat AND miserable enough to fix the problem. My problem. I realized that I was chaining myself to the house each time I had a child in order to breast feed them for months and months because I had read that they would be 22% less likely to have weight problems if I did. That was the revelation. I was willing to be chained to the house for them, but not to help myself. So I changed the way I eat. (Which is still not healthy enough, but I am working on it.)

Then there is exercise. Yes, it is very hard to make time. Not many people have the inclination or time to do what they “should.” But…. I have five children, eight if you add in the three adults who can’t seem to care for themselves. I take care of them all 100%- cooking, cleaning, laundry, helping with homework, etc. I am working on my Bachelor’s Degree taking one accelerated class every 5 weeks. I work 25-35 hours a week at my job. I volunteer about 10-12 hours a week between the three schools. I drive carpool and take everyone to their music practices and athletic practices and the resulting games and recitals. Plus, I am the scorekeeper for two teams and yet I find a way to do something at least every other day on average. So to those that have the ability just not the inclination yet…. Get off your ass

By Kell (aka "the one who keeps me sane").

How The West Was, Uhh...

A video depicting the sheer brutality of the wild west. I can't even imagine...

A Birthday Bigger Than All of Us.

Bikini Celebrates 60th Birthday - And this isn't a national holiday because... why, exactly?

Thanks again to official Twisted Sense of Funny spokesmodel Marisa Miller who, if she keeps up good work like this for the site, I might have to give a raise.