Letter to Students: We Totally Have Your Back in an Emergency

Certain "academic institutions" have recently sent letters out to the student body in response to the shooting in Alabama a few days ago. With the help of a good friend, we...uhh, *helped* in translating one of these letters. Our comments are in italics.

Hat-tip to "J" for sending this to me and giving me the idea.

Dear Campus Community:

On behalf of the Metro State community, I wish to express our condolences to the University of Alabama at Huntsville campus community for the loss of three colleagues and the wounding of three others during the Feb. 12 shooting incident.

While, unfortunately, this kind of tragic incident is not completely preventable (except maybe by allowing concealed carry by students and faculty), I want to reassure you that we do have a number of (totally useless) campus safety initiatives in place, including the Emergency Notification System ( http://retardedcampussecurity.com), which I encourage all faculty, staff and students to sign up for.

I have been in contact with (insert random academic administrator here), Campus' interim executive vice president for administration, (an entirely useless position for which we pay a substantial salary and allow ridiculous leeway in terms of job performance), and she wishes to remind everyone that all members of the campus community (read: anyone who thinks campus police are real police) should report any suspicious activity or person immediately to the (insert general college campus here) Police Department at 1-800-EAT-PRIDE, or 911 from any campus phone. She also suggests that you take note of where the blue light emergency telephones are located in the campus parking lots (not that they will work, but hey, go ahead and try!).

In addition, the Campus Police offer the following safety tips:

Always be aware of what is going on around you. Many violent situations unfold in the same general way-a person makes threats or threatening comments. They show up at a business, school or workplace dressed in military-style or inappropriate clothing (like 90% of douche-bag veterans on campus), such as a trench coat in summer, and pull out a firearm and start calmly and methodically firing. Look for people acting strangely or dressed inappropriately. Take threats seriously (and please ignore the fact that in the event that inspired this letter -- the shooting at the University of Alabama -- the shooter wore neither military-style clothing nor a trench coat. We are doing our best to stereotype, so noting the differences here does not serve our purpose. And no, it doesn't apply to the Virginia Tech shooter either, so don't waste your time bringing up those "facts") .

Believe what you see. As events unfold in front of you, trust your eyes and your ears, as you see people running or hear the gunfire and people screaming (it may just be finals week..?). Many people report that they thought the event wasn't real (this is college, nothing seems real to anyone). They think it is a movie or a joke. Stay aware of what is happening around you, and trust your instincts that something is wrong?believe the warning! (and don't believe your English professors when they teach you punctuation! The faculty doesn't use it correctly, why should you?!)

Your first priority is to get out of the line of fire (hit the ground in the fetal position!). Get on the ground immediately and assess your escape routes. Do not hesitate, move!

Find cover (and wait there to become a victim). Get behind something that will stop bullets, not just conceal you (hippies help on both counts, but don't expect them to move with you). High-powered bullets (no, those weren't used in Alabama, either) can penetrate a large amount of materials. Look for brick walls, planters, mailboxes, cars or thick trees (the youth of today tends to wear baggy clothes, so that will offer some help).

Put distance between you and the shooter. Your chances for survival in a gunfight rise dramatically the farther you are from the gunman (they also rise when you confront the shooter with deadly force. However, our goal is to have the highest body count possible) so stay down and crawl away from the origin of the shooting. Try to get better cover or escape out of a door or window. Just get out (of my line of site while I'm trying to draw a bead on the shooter).

Escape! If you have been trapped by gunfire and there is a noticeable dramatic silence, the gunman may have run out of ammunition and is either reloading or switching to another weapon (or possibly shooting themselves, or getting high, or watching a film on Che Guevara. Remember, this is college). If at all possible, move to an exit to escape (under no circumstances should you attempt to defend yourself).

Call 911 or 303-GET-HIGH from a cell phone. As soon as it is safe, call the police giving them a location, description, make of weapon and any injuries.

While the likelihood is that you will never need this advice, it is impossible to predict if you'll ever be present when violence erupts. According to the police, a mental attitude of survival is your best defense (after all, a "mental attitude of survival" has ended many violent encounters such as The University of Texas clock-tower Shooting, the North Hollywood shootout, and the Battle of Falluja. But that's a different kind of "mental attitude" than what is being referred to here, isn't it?).


Also, if you notice signs of common responses to trauma (insert website and a phone number to call where you can talk to people who have absolutely no experience what so ever with violent conflict, trauma, or psychological response to armed encounters).

For more information on campus emergency preparedness, go to http://blaaaablaablaa/....

Again, please be assured that everything possible is being done to keep (this enclave of liberal and socialist ideology) a safe environment for us all (to be segregated from reality).

Sincerely,

Pseudo-Intellectual & Champion of Spinelessness, Ph.D.
President