Movie Review: Shutter Island

The latest film from esteemed director Martin Scorsese, Shutter Island is basically everything M. Night Shymalalalallalyayayan wishes he could make in a movie but can't. Because he completely and utterly sucks at making movies and should be banned from the earth.

See how smoothly I transitioned from writing about the movie I just went to into a rant about how worthless M. Night Shamalamadingdong is? What can I say, I'm pretty good at this.

But seriously, if you've ever watched a movie like The Sixth Sense or The Happening and thought "hey, this is a pretty cool concept for a movie. It's too bad that it was totally ruined by outright bad film making..." then you might like Shutter Island because it is a cool concept for a movie that is made by someone who -- as crazy as this sounds -- knows how to make a movie.

For instance, where Shyamiwhynot tells actors to "stand here and say this line and don't worry if you sound like a soulless robot," Scorsese does this thing called "directing" whereby he challenges the actors to...act. This is a revolutionary idea that brings a rare commodity called "emotion" to the screen instead of, say, people just walking around talking about stuff like they are getting ready for a root canal.

The same can be said for the set itself. Scorsese tends to use backdrops like they were part of the movie. This is contrary to the Shymybutthurts school of film making which seems to pick settings based on wherever they pulled off the road to pee on a long trip and just set up shop without any rhyme or reason.

The plot of Shutter Island, however, suffers from the same problems as many other movies in that, if you have seen more than four other movies in your whole life, you can probably figure out what's going on well before the end. I've been surprised by exactly two endings to movies in my whole life, and this was not one of those times.

That being said, it was still entertaining. The production was top-notch, as was the acting. I know Leonardo Dicaprio got a lot of heat early on in his career for being a bit of a weeny (which I'm pretty sure he is -- mister-eco-friendly-guy), he is a damn fine actor who manages to be convincing as numerous characters.

The supporting cast is very strong, with Ben Kingsley always turning in a strong performance and the best role Max Von Sydow has played since Strange Brew. Wait, that may be the only role he's had since Strange Brew...

Again -- and I really can't stress this enough -- it's important to remember how much better of a movie this is than anything M. Night Shimmieshimmiecocoapop ever did. Ever. Why do I continue bringing him up? A laundry list of reasons comes to mind, but you only need two: One, all of his movies try to have some kind of brain-bending-twist that is supposed to "freak your mind" or something and.... utterly fails. And two, have you ever seen Lady in the Water? My gosh, that was one of the biggest insults to intelligence ever put on film. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of the First amendment, but that guy should probably go on trial just for that movie alone. Unbreakable would just fall under the category of "supporting evidence" to his conviction of crimes against humanity.

In short, Shutter Island was pretty decent, but isn't going to set your hair on fire. Unless you sit behind me and kick my chair like the lady did at the theater. Then all bets are off.