Wise Words

When you don't have anything interesting to say, point out those who do.

Peggy Noonan has a must read piece about patriotism, immigration, and why this is a great country that proves once again how far I have to go with my writing ability. Read it all.

Un-suprising Double Standard

Borders, Waldenbooks Won't Carry Magazine -

Borders and Waldenbooks stores will not stock the April-May issue of Free
Inquiry magazine because it contains cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad that
provoked deadly protests among Muslims in several countries.

Anyone want to take bets on me walking into either one of those stores and finding countless mockeries of Christianity and Judaism? Oh, I forgot, that's "ok" and "politically correct." What a bunch of crap.

I've Used That Defense. So What?

'Shania Twain' defense works in drunk driver's favour - This should be good:

One of the most notorious drunk drivers in the Ottawa area has been found not
criminally responsible on his latest impaired driving charges because of a
mental disorder that makes him believe female celebrities are controlling his
actions.

What are they talking aboot, eh? That's a mental disorder?

The 33-year-old man told psychiatrists that he knew the legal repercussions
of his actions, but believed singer Shania Twain was helping him drive.

Shania has "helped" me do a lot of things. Oh boy, has she... Wait, what were we talking aboot, eh? Oh yeah, the story.

On Monday, the judge drew on several psychiatric assessments in ruling that
Brownlee was not criminally responsible for his actions because he suffers from
delusions that celebrities such as Twain are communicating with him
telepathically.

She's been trying to get into my head for years, man. I know your pain. I truly do.

Seriously, isn't it just so cool that a guy like this is not only out driving around, but gets away with wreaking havoc because he's crazy? Let that be a lesson to you all; if you get a traffic ticket, use the "Shania Twain defense." It's way more effective than the "Chewbacca defense" popularized by South Park. Plus, she's way better looking.

I'm Failing To See The Problem

Heart Disease Charity Exec Embezzled $237K To Pay Dominatrix - So, is he going to get some kind of award or something?

NEW YORK -- A charity foundation's former accountant, accused of embezzling
heart disease research funds to pay an Ohio dominatrix to beat him, pleaded
guilty Tuesday to grand larceny and admitted that he stole more than
$237,000.

Well, in his defense, those Ohio dominatrixi (plural, right?) are legendary. Or so I've heard. What Hollywood is to movies, Ohio is to dominatrixing (look it up. Not in a dictionary, you fools! Online! It's there. Just check).

Lady Sage's Web site features numerous photographs of the 43-year-old pain
professional in a leather, metal-studded thong and bra, high-heeled lace-up
boots, a leather dress and in what appears to be a red latex rubber evening
dress.

Now that you are all back from Lady Sages website, we shall continue with the story...

Lady Sage says on her Web site she charges $250 an hour for her services and
$1,500 for eight hours. She says the client pays her expenses if she has to
travel for a meet-and-beat session.

And she looks like such a nice lady. Or so I've been told. By those who went to her website. Which I certainly didn't. Nor would I. Ever.

Cutting Edge

Ex-Village People singer faces jail sentence - In this blog's never ending quest to bring you all the most up-to-date music industry info, I stumbled across this sad bit of news.

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - The singer who dressed as a policeman in the
flamboyant late 1970s disco band "Village People" has been arrested after
disappearing while drug and gun charges against him were pending, officials said
on Monday.

On behalf of Twisted Sense of Funny, allow me to be the first to display my absolute shock at this news. This will be one of those moments we all look back on and remember where we were when the news was broken to us that the policeman from the Village People was.... a criminal.

Easily remembered for their outlandish costumes including a construction worker,
a policeman, a cowboy and a leather-clad biker, the Village People were one of
the best known bands of the disco era. Their song "YMCA" is also a favourite gay
anthem.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold the flippin' phone... What kind of racist crap is Reuters trying to pull here?!?! Kind of funny that the one guy they forget to mention was THE INDIAN! Not like you can't remember him! For cryin' out loud here, he was the best one!!!

I'm sorry, it's just that this story has me a little emotional, that's all. Talk amongst yourselves. I'll be jamming out to "YMCA" for the remainder of the evening, remembering when things seemed so simple...

Actors Have Issues (part 3,476)

Sean Penn Has Torture Doll - Oh, so he calls it "torture" does he?

[Penn] has a plastic doll of conservative US columnist ANN COULTER that he
likes to abuse when angry.

The term "abuse" when used in this context can have sooooo many different meanings. *I* may not know what they are, but I know all of you do. Sinners.

Seriously, if you had something like that, why would you admit it? To anyone?? I think that is much more self-incriminating than anything else. Unless you think it's healthy to beat up on Barbie. Which opens up possibilities that I refuse to discuss outside of my padded room.

Funny, in a Ha Ha Sort of Way

I'm not huge on impersonations, but Frank Caliendo is pretty dang funny. Check out this compilation clip of his stand up routine. Good stuff.

And here is a clip of none other than Chuck Norris himself reading off some facts about himself.

Camp Saddam

Camp Saddam: What we've learned about Iraq's terrorist training camps. - Great article from the Weekly Standard on Iraq's connection to terrorism, and more specifically, to al Qaeda.

I could do block quotes and comment on the article, but I would end up doing the whole thing. If you have the time, read it all. If you finish it, then you can have your desert.

Hat tip to good men at Powerline. If you haven't checked out their site, do yourself a favor and give it a read.

News Makes Funny All By Itself

Libya's Gaddafi lectures U.S. on democracy - I know, I had to read that headline about three or four times as well.

He touted Libya's political system as superior to "farcical" and "fake
parliamentary and representative democracies in the West."

If by "superior" he means "worse in every possible humanitarian way" then I totally agree with him. 100%.

Libya's Jamahiriyah system, under which Libyans can air their views at
"people's congresses," is genuine democracy, said Gaddafi, who spoke through a
translator and was dressed in purple robes and seated at a desk in front of a
map of Africa. He ate a live puppy with a fork and spoon and said
"plus, we can do this. So we've got that going for us as well."

Ok, so maybe I put that last quote in there. But I'm pretty sure it happened.

Gaddafi said Libya's new openness would not lead Libyans to covet what they do
not have -- on the contrary, he said, the rest of the world would soon be
emulating Libya.
"Countries like the United States, India, China, the Russian
Federation, are in bad need of this Jamahiriyah system," he said. "This is a
savior to them."

Yes. Yes I am seeing your point, and I am in complete agreement with you. Now, just lie down and drink more of your special blue Kool-Aid and everything will be juuust fine. What a loon.

Friday Funnies

Greg Bruns once again treats us to some video goodness.

For all the shooters out there, take special note of the video titled "Shooting Reeeeaaaaaallllyyyy Fast." I have been looking for this footage for a while. Jerry Miculek is absolutely phenomenal. I shot against him back in 1995 at the SOF 3-gun match, and I was in awe just watching him (and yes, I got smoked). The man is so far above the level of even good shooters that it's out of hand. Humble guy, too. At any rate, this is a video of him setting a few records.

Classy Broad

TEACHER SENTENCED: Had Sex With 4 Students - Stop. Don't go to the link yet. First, I want you to get a mental picture of a female teacher that multiple male students would have sex with. Was there a teacher in your past that all the boys went ga-ga over? Think of her. Got it? Good. Now go click on the link and have the same reaction I did. Go ahead, do it.

She tried tp convince the court her bizarre behavior was linked to taking
Prozac and diet pills and that she was a candidate for probation or home
confinement.

Prozac and diet pills, eh? Sure, I can see where that would make you do that. Oh wait, she was on prozac and diet pills... Doesn't do much to explain the boys' behavior, though.

One victim's parent said Woods turned her son into a drinking, drug using
somebody she doesn't know.

Ignoring for a moment the poor sentence structure of that quote, I don't blame the kid. I would turn to drugs and drinking, too. Yikes.

With a vengeance

Sun, sand, surf, and more sun. That's what San Diego had in store for yours truly. I am back, however, and better than ever, I might add (spring break is neato!).

I would like to give a warm show of appreciation to my guest blogger "Mini Twist" aka el Jeffe. Now if only I can get him to post on a regular basis, I will be one step closer to my plans for world domination...

Concrete Proof! (In an intangible sense)

Finally! I found evidence to support my theory that Paris Hilton died while filming House of Wax, and subsequently was reanimated in a wax body to continue her wacky antics forever (provided she isn't exposed to high heat for extended periods of time).

I guess the bulletpoint of this presentation is that her skin seems to be made of a plasticky, unnatural substance.

The Saga Continues...

For those of you keeping tabs on the South Park Soap Opera developing between the creators of the show and Isaac Hayes, tune in tonight!

I doff my cap to Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Despite the relatively short period of time between last week's controversial developments, and tonight's kickoff of the new season, those boys were ready to answer the call of duty. Call me a cynic, but I have a feeling Chef's character will not command the same reverence it once did. It will be difficult to watch the tarnishing of Isaac Hayes' once beloved father figure. The episode promises to be an emotional roller coaster, since that show usually makes me laugh more than a naked ticklish marijuana smoker in a room full of fuzzy bunnies.

It's a shame Mr. Hayes doesn't have a show to fire back at Stone and Parker. We can only hope Tom Cruise works a dazzlingly witty zinger into MI:3. Or, maybe if we're REALLY lucky, Isaac will do a South Park bashing song. Like the tracks Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac used to lay down for each other. Ah, those were the days.

We Could Have Had Something Special

Upon hearing that NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue had announced his plans to retire in July, to be honest, I wept like a baby. When I finally pulled myself together, I wondered "who can possibly follow in his footsteps"? The man leaves larger shoes to fill than Robert Wadlow. The only person I could think of who would possibly be up to the challenge is Yoda. But you will never believe whose name I heard mentioned instead - Condoleezza Rice. No joke.

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. After all her accomplishments, running a pro sports league would be the next logical step. She succeeded Colin Powell as secretary of state. Why wouldn't she further herself by taking the helm of the "S.S. Gobs-of-money"? Forget about the White House, nevermind aboout accomplishing things on a global scale, or making the world a safer place. What would world peace be without American football to enjoy?

Then I saw this. Hey, you snooze, you lose, Condy. Anyone know how to get to Dagobah?

Gnomes Avoid The Long Arm Of Tyranny

Here is a call to all those who fancy themselves "upstarts". For anyone who ever painstakingly inscribed the symbol for anarchy onto a belonging or body part. May I suggest Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell" for a musical companion as we foray off the beaten path. Gwynneth Lester could give us all a lesson in sticking it to the man. Good show, madam!

Movie Review: V For Vendetta

As this movie is currently stirring up a decent amount of controversy, I truly expected more. For starters, I don't think that the controversy is warranted, as the "issue" that everyone is talking about isn't really pulled off all that well.

Let me back up a bit. A few days ago, a friend and I were discussing movies, and how we look at them differently the older we get. For me, I want a movie to be one way or the other - i.e., either completely serious, or completely over-the-top stupid and un-realistic. If I am going to suspend belief in reality, a film needs to go all the way with it (Star Wars, X-Men, Batman, etc.). If, however, it tries to have a message and be serious, I would like it to be firmly based in reality. This is where Vendetta falls short.

It is obvious the correlation to current events that the producers/writers tried to make - creating a world where fear has lead a religious, conservative leader to take away the freedom of the people via censored news, curfews, and the rounding up of "undesirables." The hero, "V", is a victim of this tyranny and oppression, and subsequently sets out to destroy said fascist leader/government. This is where the current controversy arises over this film. The hero is labeled a "terrorist" and uses terrorist tactics to make his mark (blowing up buildings, for example). Many have said this glorifies terrorism, and that the movie sends the wrong message because of it.

My opinion? The movie, in brutal honesty, is not smart enough to send any real "message." Here's why (glad you asked) - if you view this movie as I do (in one of the two ways I described above) you can either suspend belief in reality and not take it serious, in which case it's hard to appreciate any real "message"; or you can take it seriously, in which case you must completely ignore reality and believe that we are only ten or fifteen years away from a religious, conservative dictator ruling a western country with a fascist Nazi-esque regime. I'm sure that there are many Moveon.org fruit-cakes who subscribe to that being a serious possibility, but for those of us who can pass a drug test, that's a little far fetched.

Am I taking a movie too seriously? Quite the opposite. This is the whole point of the review; I don't think you should take this movie seriously, but unfortunately, it falls in that middle ground of not-quite-serious and not quite full-fledged-fantasy, which leaves me feeling as if it is missing something. Is there any good to it? The acting was fantastic. Hugo Weaving's dialogue is some of best I have heard in a while, and it doesn't hurt that I got to look at Natalie Portman for two hours (even if she was bald for the last thirty minutes or so). The premise of the movie is a good one, even if it just doesn't fully exploit that potential. Visually speaking, it was very, very well done. Great soundtrack, as well. Something that seems more and more rare these days.

In the end, it just left me feeling let down. As if they could have done so much more. Seeing as how this was done by the same guys who did the Matrix trilogy, this is not surprising. Vendetta is along the same lines; a movie that tries to be deep, but ends up being no more than a screen adaptation of a comic book. Definitely worth a rental, but hard to say if it's worth more than that.

Read reviews from my buddy Jason here, and Dave at Garfield Ridge here, for a different perspective, if you wish.

Ninja Problem

I'm sorry, you have ninjas. What do you do when you have a problem with ninja infestation?

The video is a little long, but well worth watching the whole thing.

Hat tip to Mrs. Wake-&-a .5 for the link to the video. Funny stuff.

South Park Vs. Scientology

If you want to see the episode that started the current controversy with South Park and Scientology, you can watch the whole thing for free here.

I have written here before about not being a huge fan of making fun of religion, but in all seriousness, Scientology isn't a religion; it's a scam.

The episode is about 23 minutes long. Oh, and be prepared to laugh. A lot. But only if you think making fun of Tom Cruise is funny. Which you should.

New Standard

I've always thought Natalie Portman was very attractive, but she just jumped a couple notches up in my book. Seriously, if you ladies out there want to know how to win my heart, just know that making out with a monkey is right up near the top on the "things I find ridiculously hot" list.

Incidentally, I have been trying to upload this image to my blog since last night (flippin' blogspot!), then Dave at Garfield Ridge goes and beats me to it. Bastard!