Blast From The Past

In an effort to preserve (forever) some of my weirdness on the internet, I thought I would snag a few posts from my other blog and put them up here, starting with this one.

American History: What I've Learned
As I am officially done for the semester after taking my history 102 final this morning, I thought I would take this opportunity to share what I've learned. My professor handed out a list of key terms that we would need to know about for a study guide, and I have "elaborated" on those terms here so that you can see what your tax dollars buy in the way of an education these days. Enjoy!

1900s:
William McKinley - 25th President of the United States, known best for his previous routing of the English army at Stirling Bridge and Falkirk.

NAACP - The first in a series of films from Spike Lee's production company showing life in the inner city.

Eugene Debs - Commie.

Ellis Island - Importation point by which American officials could change the ridiculously hard-to-pronounce Eastern European names to something much easier to read and say by adding, get this, vowels. Novel concept, to be sure. I mean really, Czolgosz? What the hell is that??

1910s:
Fourteen Points - President Woodrow Wilson's ideas for Europe after the end of World War I. Was originally fifteen points, but his ideas about a Russian mail-order bride system was not seen as the progressive idea that we all know it is today. The man was way ahead of his time.

Zimmerman Telegram - Germany's attempt to convince the Mexican government to attack the U.S. The Mexican government declined, opting instead for their "100 year" plan, whereby they would infiltrate the United States slowly by "taking jobs that Americans won't do."

Emma Goldman - Jailed multiple times for conspiratorial and anarchist dealings, she was eventually deported and later became president of France. Commie.

1920s:
Teapot Dome, Wyoming - Two lonely sheep-herders find sanctuary in the arms of one another in this cold and lonely frontier.

Prohibition - The first cooperation between Hollywood and the U.S. Government to provide numerous resources for motion picture plot-lines. Although very successful at first, was repealed after the whole "Al Capone" character became really played out.

Marcus Garvey - Invented Reggae in this decade and used it as a launching platform for civil rights activism. Historians debate whether or not it worked, but generally agree that Exodus by Bob Marley was a damn fine album.

Calvin Coolidge - 30th President of the United States, Coolidge was mostly ignored by history until many years later when he was immortalized in a cartoon about his childhood antics with his stuffed tiger.

1930s:
Social Security - Set up as a debate platform for Democrats and Republicans so that they could have something to "debate" for control over old-people votes.

Spanish Civil War - Umm, dude. This is American History, ok?

Eleanor Roosevelt - Stunningly beautiful woman, known as the "super-model" of first ladies, FDR could never even look at other women as taking his eyes off of Eleanor was next to impossible... wait, what? No? Ok, skip this one.

Appeasement - The attempt by Neville Chamberlain's government in Great Britain to "appease" Adolf Hitler's Germany instead of deal with it militarily. Widely successful. Hitler relinquished power in 1935 to follow up on his dreams to graduate art school instead of the "ruthless dictator" route which many historians believe he would have pursued if not for Chamberlain's wisdom.

1940s:
Berlin - Rated as 3rd on Lonely Planet's guide to "Top Ten Vacation Spots of 1947" right behind Stalingrad and Nagasaki.

Iron Curtain - Mistakenly thought to be a term describing the division between Eastern and Western Europe, it was actually a phrase Winston Churchill used to summarize the reaction he received when he tried to "get some" from Mrs. Churchill.

Marshall Plan - Send... money... to... Europe. Communism = bad.

J. Strom Thurmond - The guy who wouldn't die. Seriously. Served as a Senator from 1954 until 2003. Holy crap. Was governor of South Carolina before that. Fought in WWII before that. Was a judge before that? Sure, why not. I believe he was Captain of either the Nina or the Pinta before that.

1950s:
38th Parallel - Dividing line between North and South Korea. Would become a favorite hang-out for American service members for several generations.

Duck and Cover - Yeah, right.

Kitchen Debate - Impromptu meeting between VP Richard Nixon and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev after the latter challenged "Tricky Dick" to a cook-off. Several KGB officers were subsequently executed for the intelligence failure of not knowing about Nixon's wicked omelet-making skills.

Sputnik - The Soviet Union's first, and thankfully last, attempt to break into the adult film industry.

Baby Boom - Truck loads of babies were blown up, apparently for the joy of money-grubbing Republicans. Seriously though, service members returned from over seas by the boat-load and started breeding like rabbits. Thanks to that, we have our parents.

1960s:
Hotline - Developed after the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962 so that the U.S. leaders could chat with Soviet leaders about interns.

Gulf of Tonkin Resolution - As a result of SecDef McNamara's testimony, Congress passed a joint around the room and got baked. Oh wait, they passed a joint "resolution." Apparently that's different, although I'm not sure how.

Apollo 11 - One of many successful endeavors by Hollywood studios to con the American public by staging a "moon landing" with "astronauts" Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and some guy history has already forgotten. I think he was the stunt man. See also "Barbara Streisand" and "The Clinton Administration" for other ruses pulled off by Hollywood.

Watts Riot - Rodney King's first run-in with the LAPD resulted in 34 dead, and 35 million injured. Which seems high, so I'll check my facts later on that one.

Napalm - Jellied gasoline used to clear out large areas of downtown Los Angeles.

1970s:
Kent State University - May 4, 1970. Dirty hippies thought they were soooo smart, what with their long hair and their "protests." Non-violence, yeah that paid off well for 'em.

Cambodia - Dude, I say again, American history. Sheesh.

Ms. Magazine - Founded by Gloria Steinem as a much needed venue to discuss orgasms.

Gerald Ford - Heck of a President, I say. Well ok, maybe not. But he was the 38th one. And he granted some famous guy a pardon. I think it was an actor.

Iran Hostage Crisis - Current leader of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmanidejad, takes American hostages in the U.S. embassy in Tehran. Attempt to rescue hostages, led by up-and-coming action hero Chuck Norris fails miserably. Hostages later released on the day Ronald Reagan is sworn into office. Chickens.

CREEP - Codename for Nixon's operation where he told some people to break into Democratic Party headquarters and steal some stuff. Then Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford got famous for catching them.

As you can all see, that was money well spent on this semester. Learning is fun!!!

Wicked Cool Mullets, Immigration, and Going Through Puberty

Where did I leave off before? Probably something to do with killing terrorists and hanging out with one of the many supermodels which frequently end up at my doorstep, I would guess. Either that or watching Knight Rider reruns in my Underroos and eating Cheetos. I can't remember, really.

What I do remember, however, is going home to Colorado for a break a few weeks ago to spend some time high ranking people in my command, er, family. After a weekend of complete debauchery (Mom & Dad are into some really, really weird stuff like "talking" and "eating dinner together." I won't even go into the whole "give presents to your sister for her birthday" nonsense that went on...) with them, I headed with Minja-boy and The Red Ryder herself to what could realistically be labeled the cultural event of a lifetime: the Pueblo, Colorado state fair. Let me begin by saying that if you for any reason thought that the Mullet was a hairstyle whose time had come and gone, you are sadly mistaken, pal. It is back and, by the looks of it, here to stay thanks in no small part to one man who, thankfully, completely understands not only the hairdo's fantastic staying power, but also its nearly mythical powers when worn properly: the locks flowing down to the middle of the back, neatly crimped, bleached, and moussed; accentuated perfectly with a tank top, tight jeans and high-top sneakers left untied. I'm not gay but dammit, I thought briefly about reconsidering for that fella. As I am sure you can understand.

Scarily, I had but only a few moments to recover from that Greek-god-like character before I witnessed yet another gem (and fine example of why state fairs are grossly underrated): A Mexican biker with a swastika head band. Uhh... what? Yeah, I'm still a little confused by the whole thing. Oh don't get me wrong, I really want to subscribe to whatever it is that this guy is selling. I'm guessing it's some pretty heavy, in-depth stuff requiring a hefty chunk of brain power to fully appreciate, so it may be something that will take a while to understand. I mean, just figuring out the logistics of kicking all the Jews out of Mexico would be, well... you know. Hard. Really.

And I have to be honest with you, after describing that state fair, the rest of my week at home will seem pretty weak by comparison. I dug some post-holes and we built horse stalls. See? No mullets or walking oxymorons anywhere in that tale. Sheesh.

It was a wonderful time, however, and I am always grateful to be able to spend time with those close to my heart. Plus they pretend to like me, which boosts my already ridiculously large ego to epic proportions. Which is kinda cool.

Now I am back in Texas doing the whole take-the-illegals-back-to-where-they-came-from thing. Well, not right now I'm not. Actually I just finished watching Jenna Bush being interviewed by Dianne Sawyer on TV. Pretty interesting, even though she's not even the hot one. Bring out Barbara, dang nabbit! I think she would totally dig me. Especially since I lost my voice from some sort of Central American SARS thing. Presidential daughters dig guys who sound like they are going through puberty, right? RIGHT?!?!

Anyway, things are going smoothly, even with the occasional hiccup. The boss came down to fly with us for a week and by Thursday three guys had been fired. Well that would be fine and dandy except that we only have 13 people on the team. Crimeny. We joked with him and told him that if he stays another week, there will only be about four people on the plane staring at each other and wondering who's next. I know that I would be one of the last to go due to my ever-increasing Spanish vocabulary. Today I learned how to say the word "sandwich" in the foreign tongue. Are you ready for this? Here goes: sandwich. Get that? Need me to repeat it? It's a lot to take in, and obviously I'm not learning anymore today (or the rest of the week, for that matter. It's friggin' Friday, for cryin' out loud!), so go ahead and call that your lesson. I'll be back on Monday with the next one.

And I would also like to reiterate that I just watched the whole interview with Jenna Bush and only saw her sister, like, twice. What a rip-off.

Hay, Weak Trailers, Fencing and Midget Ninjas

As mentioned before, once the job in Oakland was done I headed back home and out to do some more ranchin', by gum.

The first order of business was getting hay for the winter. I'm going to say right here and now that getting hay is not the most fun job in the world. In fact, I would probably rank it pretty low. Worse than carrying a ruck sack up a mountain in Utah? Well let's not get crazy... The job began by heading down to the thriving metropolis of Boone, Colorado. Never heard of it? What the hell is wrong with you? They have a mall and everything. So says the cowboy that hauled the hay, "shoot, it's got one... two... two stores. That's a mall!" Dang skippy it is, Red. Anyhoo, after picking him up we drove to La Junta (it's a soft "J") and met up with a real old-fashioned cowboy who still loads hay out of a field by using draft horses and a wagon. I would tell you his name, but you wouldn't believe me (or the one you have thought of is probably correct), and I would tell you what he looked like, but the image you've already pictured in your mind is most likely an exact description (complete with snow-white handle bar mustache). Then I could tell you how he talked, but... well, ya know.

We backed the trailer up next to the wagon (which already had a load on it), and jumped up on the trailer to begin loading. Unbeknownst to me, however, was the "weak spot" in the trailer. Apparently there was a conversation taking place in secret regarding the spot about five seconds before I fell through it and made a hole the size of your favorite ex-Army blogger. I remember the phrase "Oh crap, we've only been here two minutes and we're already down a man!" being uttered, but I carried on. The mission is all that matters, roger?

After many, many more loads of hay, we finally finished the job of getting it all loaded up in a barn. I didn't feel too bad when it was done, 'cause everyone else was pretty much sick of it too. Considering I'm just a "city kid" I didn't do all that bad. Heh. Lucky for us we finished when we did, as the next night we got nailed with a pretty heavy thunderstorm, shutting down the power for several hours. We had been sitting and talking for an hour or so when around the corner came this:





I don't know how many midget-ninjas (minja, for short) wearing yellow Sponge-Bob Square Pants goggles you have run into, but rest assured, it's a pretty scary event. I did my best to take care of the problem but as you can see here, I didn't fare too well:

To say that I was humbled and "shown who was boss" would be the understatement of the century. My weak skills are certainly no match for the power of the 9-year old minja.

And so the story continues now with me being back in Texas doing the incredibly strenuous job of taking illegal aliens back to their country of origin. But things could get pretty interesting in the next few days, as there is a major hurricane headed in our direction. With any luck I could end up in a Katrina-esque situation cracking skulls and looting some television sets. Why? 'Cause the man is keeping me down, yo! So stay tuned for some possible exciting commentary on that action. Word to your mother.

(Oh yeah, and the date on the post is about ten days old, as that is when I started writing it. If you care. Which you don't. So I'll just go eat some worms. Non-carerers!!!)

Garbage Collection: The Final Solution

Well the Waste Management strike in Oakland finally came to an end and thus, so did our job of providing security. Which is just A OK with me, as I was leaving the detail anyway due to some "gut feelings" I had about certain issues.

But I didn't leave without any stories. And I think my favorite one would involve the phone call I received from one of the agents following a garbage truck while I was in the CP (Command Post). The agent relayed to me, in real time, that he was "surrounded" by picketers, and that they had blocked his car -- as well as the garbage truck -- from moving. He then told me that one of the picketers had pulled a knife and was making threatening gestures. The agent was noticeably shaken up and had a fair amount of adrenaline pumping through his ever-so masculine veins.

It was at this point where I calmly (from the air conditioned hotel room/CP, where I was in the middle of watching The Ringer in which Johnny Knoxville pretends to be retarded so he can win the Special Olympics on a bet -- good stuff) interjected "Are your doors locked?" He said yes, so I told him "Umm, then why don't you just drive through the people?"

Let me back up here a second; I realize that most people have never taken a tactical driving course so I will explain a very simple principle: Your car is a two and-a-half ton bullet. It's the most powerful weapon you own on the street. If people are in your way... well, you do the math. So you may be saying to yourself "well maybe this guy didn't have any tactical driving experience." Just keep reading.

Once the incident was over, the agent in question did what he was supposed to do and filed a report with the police. After he was finished with that, he calls the CP and demands to be picked up, as "the picketers are sure to recognize my car and come after it." Uhh... yeah. So I relay this to my boss, who I have worked with before, and after the laughter subsides the man who brought me out for the job says "get in my Suburban and we'll go get him." This should be fun, I figure, as he is a retired Army 1st Sgt. and has had nothing but a bad day. I'm all about viewing an ass-chewing.

We get to the location and the boss tells the hero-in-question to get in his vehicle and that he will take him back to the hotel. "How are you going to get my car back" he asks. The 1st Sgt. looks at me and I just grin as I get into the vehicle in question. The agent stammers "well be sure to, uhh, button down tight, 'cause, uhh... they might recognize you!" The boss-man then utters a classic, tobacco-in-the-lip, "this ain't fuckin' Baghdad, dude." It was a struggle to keep from laughing.

The reason I have no qualms about telling an embarrassing story like this one is two-fold: One, the guy turned out to be a serious pain in the keister when dealing with back at the CP. And two (and more importantly), when asked what his background was, he replied "law enforcement." Wow. Where did you serve as a police officer, Podunk, Idaho? This is the quality of people we have in the security and law enforcement world. It truly is a wonder that there isn't more crime... The funniest part of the whole story is that this was the most exciting part of the whole detail. Sad but true.

Upon leaving Oakland, I returned to the "reject zoo gang" on the ranch. That is, however, another story. Which involves hay. A lot of hay. Then some more hay. Did I mention that there was a lot of hay? Ok, just wasn't sure.

Details on that to follow soon, as well as the story of being attacked by a midget-ninja. Scary stuff.

Marxism Doesn't Work?

Say it isn't so!

Every time I read something from The Onion, the only question in my mind is why I don't read it more often. Pure comedy gold.

Great Article

With a really great ending line:

"...right now we should hold the Muslim world to the same standards of
tolerance that we demand of ourselves -- no more apologies for things like our
insensitive cartoons or excuses for their insane anger against novelists. In
turn, the Middle East must grow up and accept, like the rest of the world, that
there are social and cultural costs and consequences for any who wish to embrace
the benefits of modernism."

Burning The Midnight Olive Oil

That's right, I'm blogging while at work. Sue me. It's 12:45 a.m. and I have nothing else to do but entertain... well, myself. And this seems as good of an outlet as any. They won't let me shoot automatic weapons in the hotel lobby, so you're stuck with some late-night ramblings.

So, interesting story has developed over the last month regarding one of the most elaborate cases of deception I have ever come across. It involves a guy that I came into contact with about a year ago through some training and subsequently worked with several times since. It breaks down like this: since knowing this person, he has gradually but steadily relayed accounting's of his background, which normally involve some sort of high-speed, secret-squirrel tactical operation that he has been involved in. Toward the end of our last detail together, however, certain "signs" started appearing which led several people to raise an eyebrow of concern. He was let go from the detail due to some less than professional conduct and subsequently lost his mind.

Fast forward to about two weeks after the end of the detail, when yours truly attended some training where the aforementioned character had spent quite a bit of time. Through conversations with the instructor, my brain began to spin out of control into a "Red flag! Red Flag!" drill; much of what he relayed about our mutual acquaintance was not only different, but contradictory on an epic scale.

Once myself and a few others sat down and began comparing stories and doing some research, it became apparent that this guy had woven quite a tapestry of un-truth. The truly crafty part about it all was in how he did it; his stories to everyone were tailored based on who he was telling them to. So if he were talking to a former Special Forces operator, he wouldn't talk about things like teaching guerrilla warfare in Afghanistan; if he were talking to a former SEAL, he wouldn't talk about attacking a beach, etc. He would actually figure out what your background was and craft his history accordingly. Pretty amazing actually, as it took a fair amount of intelligence to think that far ahead. What he apparently never thought of though, was that all of these people he talked to would ever communicate with one another.

Once we all compared notes, it was quite astonishing how deep the rabbit hole went. Everything from claiming to have a Master's degree (never finished his bachelors) to an intricate web of lies involving a search and rescue operation, Hurricane Katrina, and various ventures to Central America to do... whatever it is that super-secret agents like him do. Actually fairly impressive, if looked at objectively. His resume was even done overly vague, giving him an out should any of these questions arise.

The truly amazing aspects of this whole episode to me were that he was in his mid-forties (this is something you would expect from a 25 year-old kid), and also that he was a ridiculously nice guy. Most of the time when you run into people who make up stories and lie like this they are a massive pain in the ass to deal with (we figure this is why he was so successful at getting people to buy into his hype). What the hell makes someone create an entire background in his forties? One does not become a pathological liar overnight, so there had to be a pattern formed much earlier. But where? Was he in another field making up stories there? As near as we can tell, there are no records of him in the security field dating back further than 3 years. That means three years ago he had to have said "I know, I am super-secret operator man. Starting... now!" The psychology involved there is pretty fascinating to me. I'm really not even mad any more about being duped by someone I thought was a friend because it's more just a curiosity than anything else at this point. I want to know what makes a guy like that tick.

Once it was all said and done, a number of us basically felt swindled due to buying into his story. The saddest part of the whole episode is that he actually had the ability to perform his job at a high level. Well, until he started taking pictures of girls with soda bottles in their... uhh... special area and showing the pictures to people. Apparently that is what some refer to as "tacky" or "unprofessional" in the corporate world. Whatever. Next they'll start saying that you can't call a girl "toots" while slapping her on the butt and telling her to make some coffee. Ok, so maybe the guy was exhibiting signs of Loony-Tunes long before I noticed, but then again, have you read my blog? Spotting crazy is not exactly my forte.

Good stuff, though. Makes for a great story. Now I'm headed out to free all of the members of the Asian Dawn movement. Wolverines!!

Fenway, Ranching, and Following Garbage Trucks.

Try and top that title, eh? Yeah, I think not.

So my adventure begins after my last posting, at which time I had just come back from Nashville (home of the greatest thinkers in the history of mankind. Einstein actually relocated there secretly. It's science). Just after coming home, I hopped on a flight out to Boston to play for the Red Sox. They needed some pitching and batting help, so they called me up. Yeah, I play. You didn't know that? I'm totally Major League caliber. I just don't do it regularly because I can't shoot people playing baseball. If they would just change that one rule...

But seriously, I actually only saw Fenway Park as we drove by it on the highway while heading out to the country for a relaxing visit with friends, co-workers, and the guy who actually pays me to ride on an airplane and kick illegal aliens out of the country. He basically uses the excuse of his son's birthday to invite all of his friends out for a few days of hanging out at the pool and watching movies on his super-small television (with an uber weak sound system, I might add). A good time was had by all, and surprisingly there wasn't a single drunken-adult injury related to either the pool or the "bouncy room." I'm as shocked as anyone. The real capper to the weekend came once everyone else had gone home and I found out that my gracious hosts were treating me to their massage therapist who comes once a week (and who was also at the party, jumping off the roof and hanging from the chandelier while claiming "godlike powers" which, to be honest, I found a little excessive). All that aside, she enabled me to be able to move my neck more than I have in about three months, forever putting her in my good graces (and maybe the part about her at the party is slightly exaggerated. A little).

After coming home from Boston (much, much later than scheduled -- thank you, Jet Blue!), it was off to Pueblo, CO. to visit a very close friend and do some ranchin'. That's right, I'm a rancher. You want horses trained? Call me. You want pigs fed and watered? Call me. You want bloodhounds taught how to track down bad guys? Call me. You want dog poop cleaned out of your yard? Don't call me, call the 9-year old who was helping me. He's better at it and it's his chore, not mine, ok?!?

The funny part is, I actually had a really good time. I've never been a huge animal person, but I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Pretty soon I think I'll be wearing nothing but Carhartts and ropers. Probably get into dipping tobacco, too. I can see that being a cool habit to pick up at the age of 34.

On my way back from Pueblo, I received a phone call from one of my former instructors saying that if I can fly myself out to Oakland, he can put me to work for a week or so. Are you kidding? Oakland? You mean the Paris of the West Coast? What Gucci is to clothing, Oakland is to culture; what Ferrari is to cars, Oakland is to serenity. So naturally I couldn't turn that opportunity down.

The real joy of it is in what I'm doing: The garbage truck drivers for Waste Management decided to go on strike because, get this, the company instituted a policy that if a driver causes three or more accidents that they would be fired. That's it. There is no dispute over pay, health benefits, etc. No, it's because they think it's "unfair" to be fired for causing accidents. Right. I'll just let that sink in and you can tumble it around in your brain for a while. Anyway, so the "scab" drivers are being harassed and, ergo, private security. Pretty boring work, to be honest, but driving through an angry picket line is nothing but a good time. On the first day I was in a suit and tie, and one lady yelled "nice f''n suit! Where'd you get it, Wal-Mart?!?!" I looked down and realized, why yes, yes I did get it at Wal-Mart. Why the heck would I wear a nice suit to follow a garbage truck? Hey, at least I wasn't wearing a dark blue blazer with black pants, white shirt, black tie, and white socks like my partner that day was. Wow. That was... something.

Currently I am just hanging around the hotel lobby, waiting to go in to work later today and see what kind of fun is going on. Things are pretty mellow, so I'm guessing this won't last real long. Once I'm done, I will share a couple more stories about some of the "high speed" individuals I have encountered. Good times.

Until then, stay off the horse that looks you in the eye and smiles, and don't go out riding in a car with a guy who is claiming to do "tactical maneuvers" because he lost sight of his objective while checking out girls in other cars. He's probably not the most "squared away" guy on the team. Just sayin'.

Travel Blogging: Nashville Edition

Oh what a wonderful place the South is. I had nearly forgotten how much of an absolute joy it is to dine at high class establishments such as Waffle House and... well, Waffle House. And also that Waffle House over there. They certainly haven't gone out of business since I left the South in 2004. Oh sure, some of you may be saying "but weren't you in Louisiana just a couple of months ago for work?" And to you I say: prove it. I admit to nothing to do with that state, now or in the past. May it be barred from my memory as well as yours.

But I'll tell you what, no where on earth can you have a more in-depth conversation about politics, socio-economic dynamics, or how we should just make various third-world countries into parking lots than the counter at Waffle House. And all over a healthy, low-fat meal, I might add. Ahh yes, good times.

So now I am sitting and killing time in my hotel room in Nashville after completing a 3 day Urban Escape & Evasion course hosted by On Point Tactical Tracking School. The course was considerably laid back -- almost to a fault -- but offered up some very useful tidbits of knowledge regarding movement around a city. Nashville provided quite an interesting back-drop for the course, as it seems to be sort of a country western version of San Francisco. Just replace all of the hippies with failed country singers -- who sit on the corner playing Hank Williams songs as opposed to Grateful Dead -- and that's pretty much it in a nutshell. Oh and there's no China Town. I don't think they take to well to "their kind" around these here parts.

Our practical exercise took place yesterday, with the students being assigned tasks to complete around the city, all while attempting to avoid being seen or caught. Three of us started in a hotel room, hand-cuffed to one another with hoods on. Boy am I glad the maid didn't come in at that time. Once freeing ourselves we made our way through town doing things like picking padlocks and bringing them back to the instructor, collecting information from various "sources," and moving without being caught.

The instructors of course made things a little more interesting by being in disguises; most of the students did the same. I ran into one of the instructors but managed to lose him by pulling off what will probably become known as one of the greatest escapes of all time: when he looked down to call the other instructor with his phone, I ducked into a parking garage. Yeah, I know. Pretty freakin' awesome. I'm like some sort of James Bond or something, except better looking and way more successful with the ladies. They would write books about it, but I would have to kill them for talking about me.

All in all it was a pretty good time, but I think it could have been a lot more intense. Not to say that I didn't learn anything, but I'm a pretty big believer in being pushed; I like to feel as if I was really challenged. Like that time I watched Predator for the first time. Man, just trying to wrap your mind around the dynamics of that masterpiece was like an emotional and intellectual marathon.

And so now I sit in front of my hotel room TV flipping between Fox News' brilliant analysis of the Scotland terror incident -- it's boiled down to news commentators discussing other news commentator's opinions -- and... a whole lot of nothing else. I could go back to the Waffle House, I suppose...

Happenings

Time for a quick run-down of what's going on.

Let's see here... News: California is on fire. Again. VP Cheney's office has been subpoenaed (I think for prostitution, not sure, I didn't really "read" the article), and of course, the iPhone comes out tomorrow (me likey). Oh and even more important than all of those is the expedition planned to hunt for Bigfoot. Uhh, that's "Mister Foot" to you, pal.

Entertainment: Went and saw the movie 1408 the other night. No, it's not about Vikings discovering America years before Columbus (although there really should be more viking movies, ya know?); it's a "thriller" with John Cusack and some haunted hotel room. Ooooh, I'm SO SCARED. This movie unfortunately falls into the same trap that nearly every scary movie does: It's not scary. It was a decent movie, in terms of production level, acting, effects; yet it sorely lacked the guaranteed recipe for success. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about Hooters girls and Ninjas. Without those, what kind of a chance do you really have at making solid entertainment? Not much, says this pundit.

Personal life: Today I am headed to Nashville to take a three-day Urban E & E (Escape and Evasion) class. That shows wicked amounts of potential for good story time, so stay tuned for updates.

Not much else to report for the time being, so I'll just leave you to go back to your knitting. 'Cause I know that's what you were all doing, ya big bunch of ninnies.

Testing...

Just checking to see if the old Blogspot site works, and I'll be darned, it does.

I'm not able to do as much stuff on this one, but hey, this might work out better because it will make me just write, instead of trying to be fancy. Oh and it's free. That's kinda neat, too.

The Funny is MOVING

Well, it is time. Bigger and better things, I say. So for those of you that just can't get enough witty news, movie and music commentary, please come visit the new and improved Twisted Sense of Funny at the new site. I promise a good time, or your money back.

National Security

It's this easy, folks.

Ha. Funny stuff. Read the whole thing.

BEING DIFFICULT

Blogspot is being uber-difficult this morning, so this is a test to see if I can actually, ya know, publish something.

That's ok, blogspot. Your time is coming (stay tuned for details).

I Want Some McNookie

In the never ending quest to bring you up to date, edge of your seat news, I bring you this story, via Drudge.

Billed as libido in an atomiser, PT-141 will finally offer women the chance to
turn on their sexual desire as and when they need it. Or so the science says.
But there are concerns. Will sex in a spray usher in an age of 'McNookie' -
quick easy couplings low on emotional nutrition?

It's a little bit early (in the morning, that is. Not in this story) to fully grasp the potential of "nasal spray sex," but rest assured, I will be doing a full investigation as soon as possible. Anything else would be a disservice to this site, to you, and more importantly, to the very essence of freedom itself.

Musical Tranquility For The Weekend

MasKau! Maskau! Ho ho ho ho ho!

Don't blame me for this nonsense. It's Mrs. Wakeandahalf's fault for making me link it. I swear.

Lazy

Due to a lot of homework, and playoff hockey, I'm leaving it up to you, the reader, for the weekend discussion.

The topic outline is this: What is the biggest and most important news story facing us today? And also, what is the most overrated topic of current events?

Although annotated bibliographies will not be required for this assignment, plagiarism will not go unpunished.

Movie Review: The Sentinel

In a reversal of the norm, Hollywood decides to capitalize on a television show to make a movie. Our hero Jack Bauer makes it to the big screen in The Sentinel, a movie about a plot to assassinate the President of the United States by a mole inside the Secret Service. Oh yeah sure, his name isn't Jack Bauer in this movie, but whatever. Same thing.

Anyhoo, the movie begins with a bunch of stuff about the Secret Service doing stuff, then goes to show Jack T. Colton doing stuff, then it shows some guy killing an agent. Whoa, you can't do that, pal. It's a crime. So then some rookie girl agent shows up to Jack Bauer's office and says she is going to be his apprentice. Cool, she's pretty, so he says "ok." Her first assignment, of course, is to accompany him to investigate the aforementioned murdered agent. Jack Bauer exerts his authority smoothly over the local keystone-cops by saying a whole bunch of whiz-bang technical investigative stuff... I don't really know, I wasn't paying attention. I was waiting for him to shoot one them or say something about not having "enough time!!!" Then the pretty rookie said some stuff to show that she was worthy of the prestigious role of a Secret Service agent. I don't know what, I was waiting for her to get naked. She didn't.

The president then makes his first appearance and, what's this? It's Sledgehammer! I waited for him to pull out his gigantic handgun and start shooting stuff. He didn't.

Of course, Jack T. Colton, who's job is to protect the president's wife (played here by Vicki Vail), and his undeniable animal-like machismo find a way into the first lady's knickers. They almost showed it, but thankfully, they didn't.

After that they try to develop some sort of a "plot," but alas, they don't. You can figure out the whole thing in about the first ten minutes. They main bad guy is exactly who you think it is, and the good guys always get shot in the shoulder/side/butt (if they have a title role. Otherwise, sorry for you agent Jones, you lose). The bad guys, conversely, will die in a manor that is directly proportional to how bad they were, and how deeply involved with the conspiracy they were (if they were deep, there is always going to be the dying breath confessional).

Overall, Jack Bauer doesn't kill anywhere near enough people, or use that many high-tech gizmos. Come to think of it, not once did he reposition a satellite. What a rip-off. But it's actually somewhat entertaining. There are even a number of pretty funny parts, so it doesn't try too hard to be serious. It's a good mindless movie, I suppose.

Incidentally, I'm about sick of technical malfunctions at theaters. Theater owners wonder why numbers are dwindling, but how hard is it to get a projector that, say, projects? It's a lot to ask for, I know. At any rate, it's no mystery to me why fewer and fewer people are going to the theaters and more are just staying home and renting. The first five minutes of our movie (at UNITED ARTISTS THEATERS) the bottom half of the screen was invisible. Huh, is that normal? Weird how people from the audience actually need to tell the people working there when that happens. Heaven forbid they check it out themselves. But hey, all is made fair because I GOT A FREE PASS! Gee, how can I ever be upset after that?

Because I Link Better Than I Write

Mark Levin has a killer round-up of current events on his blog.

If you go read it, and finish it, I'll let you come back here and have desert.

F F F Friday

Friday funnies, once again, via the Brunsinator.

"The police officer *advises* the suspect to pull over." Ha.

Does it Get Any Better?

Go here and tell me the answer to the above question.

You Can Do That?

Man Offers Free Breast Exams, Finds Some Takers: Doctor Impersonator Charged With Sexual Assault - Uh oh. I had no idea that was against the law...

LAUDERDALE LAKES, Fla. -- Broward sheriff's deputies have arrested a 76-year-old
man they say was going door to door offering women free breast exams.

I like where this is going.

One 36-year-old woman said she let Winikoff into her apartment.
She [said] after he touched her breasts, he moved his hand to her
genitals. She said one she realized that Winikoff was not a real doctor and she
called the Broward Sheriff's Office.

What on earth tipped her off, I wonder? Was it when he touched her special area? Or was it the fact that he's a DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN GROPING YOUR BREASTS?!?!?

Investigators said by that time, Winikoff had already found another victim; a
33-year-old woman who lives in the same complex. That woman told deputies that
Winikoff also sexually assaulted her.

I would just like to point out the use of the word "victim" here. Let's see, you let a strange man into your house and play with your melons because he says he is a doctor, and you are a "victim." Okey dokey.

Thanks to My Pet Jawa for the story.

Tax Dollars, Hard at Work

HOMELAND SECURITY: U.S. data on LV challenged - Bah, we here in Las Vegas don't mind. We're not important.

The federal government relied on inaccurate data to help justify dropping
Las Vegas from a list of cities eligible for special anti-terrorism funding,
according to county officials who viewed the information last week.
The
officials said they identified at least 25 mistakes in classified U.S.
Department of Homeland Security data, including information asserting that the
Las Vegas area has no convention centers or military bases.

No convention centers or military bases. Umm, come again? Are we talking about the same Las Vegas? Perhaps they mean Las Vegas, New Mexico.

Marc Short, a spokesman for the Homeland Security Department, said the
convention centers might not have met the standards for what his agency
considers "critical infrastructure."
"There needs to be a threshold of
traffic or economic consequence or number of innocent victims that would be
affected by an incident that would qualify it to be counted as infrastructure,"
Short said.

True. Las Vegas doesn't get many business related tourism. Or do they...

John Piet, senior research analyst for the Las Vegas Convention and
Visitors Authority, said the city's convention centers are among the biggest,
busiest, and most economically important in the nation.
Last year, 6.2
million people visited the convention halls, creating an overall economic impact
of $7.6 billion, Piet said.

Huh. There is definitely some sort of discrepancy there. Not sure what, but I'm working on it.

Short said he couldn't comment about the Air Force base not being
listed.

Yeah, I don't blame him. Nellis AFB is, after all, just small time. It's not like the Air Force runs their biggest exercise outside of actual war there. Oh wait, yes they do.

It's a wonder how it is that the Department of Homeland security is able to even tie its own shoes with oversights like this one. This is the type of thing that blows conspiracy theories out of the water. Departments of the government don't even know what resources they have let alone how to manipulate them. There is a lot more in the article, if you want to be depressed about the quality with which your tax-dollars are being flushed, er, spent.

Time To Let Go

Yeah, this has been around for a while, but it's a classic. Terribly sick and wrong, but classic.

The Court Jesters

There are just so many things I find amusing on this page that I'm not quite sure where to begin.

Tom Cruise in a recent interview:

"Your cynical media colleagues cast doubt over all the good that we do by
spreading a bunch of hocus pocus about us."

No, Tom, I'm afraid you take care of all the "hocus pocus" yourself when you talk about how you are going to eat your baby's placenta.

Mary J. Blige talking about God:

"He wants me to bling. He wants me to be the hottest thing on the block. I don't
know what kind of God the rest of y'all are serving, but the God I serve says,
'Mary, you need to be the hottest thing this year, and I'm gonna make sure
you're doing that'"

I think that can be backed up by scripture. It's in one of those little known verses, somewhere towards the back...

Kevin "the human leech" Federline on his decision to become a rapper:

"I don't have a choice. It's not like I can go and do construction, start
building houses in Malibu," K-Fed told Spin magazine. "They [The media] are
forcing me to do this, and I am glad they are. I am more than happy to do it."

And we, as a people, are more than happy to laugh hysterically as you fall flat on your face doing it. Is this guy serious? He really thinks the media forced him to do this? Wow, the media is even more powerful than I thought.

Sarah Jessica Parker whining about fame:

"Sometimes on the street I get the feeling people are disappointed with me as I
don't have the answers for them," Parker told Brazil's Epoca magazine. "I have
to remind them that I don't have a Ph.D. in sex or counseling. I'm an actress."

Oh come on, Sarah. You know the real reason they are disappointed in you is because you look even more like the charcter Skeletor from He-Man in person than you do on television. I would be freaked out, too. Skeletor was all kinds of bad news.

Art 101

Sobek takes us on a wonderful journey through a brief history of art, featuring Mr. Potato Head.

In this simple sculpture, we see that the Romans adopted the Greek focus on
excellence of form, as well as the underlying potato-based mythos. This
obsession with copying everything the Greeks did has led some scholars to
describe the Romans as "history's wankers."

Classic. If you want a good laugh, check it out.

Plot Holes

I thought about doing a post on last night's episode of 24, but this guy does a way better job. Kind of long, but very funny.

Kids Are Smrt

So, today in my political science class, one of the many flavors of youth decided to chime in with some ever informative wisdom. The topic was the President's bullet points for the budget, one of which being the promotion of "social compassion" and "family values." The aforementioned expert on all things government says "That's wrong, the government can't legislate 'family values.' That's just Bush trying to push his Christian values on everyone." Ok, fair enough point. He doesn't want the government stepping in and promoting family values as he doesn't believe it is their place. Fine.
About five minutes later, the subject of welfare and poverty came up, and this same student says "It's so wrong that the government doesn't step in and do more for the poor. We're fighting a war but we can't get people jobs." Now, I'm not the smartest guy in the world, so I'm wondering if I am missing something here. In my mind (however twisted it may be), there seems to be a serious disconnect with this logic. On the one hand, the government shouldn't meddle in people's business, and on the other, it should step in and fix everything. Gotcha.

When described like this, it seems quite contrite, but the fact is, this is actually right along the lines with how a large number of people think. I am just throwing this out there in case there is someone reading who thinks that I am maybe missing something. I understand that there is a point where government involvement can go overboard (Cuba, I'm looking in your direction), and there is also a point where it can be totally absent (anyone know if Haiti is for sale on the open market, yet?). However, the middle ground is obviously something that people are only willing to go to for issues that they feel passionately about. I really admire people that feel convicted about a subject, as long as they are willing to see it through. Yet this is often not the case. More times than not, tunnel vision sets in and it becomes difficult to relate separate issue to one another (e.g. the rise of global warming and a lack of legalized prostitution. Think about it).

The overall point being (in addition to my question of me possibly missing something here), is that if I am not, then how do people miss the connection? How do people not see that the redistribution of wealth leads to complacency? Why do they not see that lack of response to threats leads to more tragedy down the road? And why, oh why, do people think that Shakespeare is relevant at all? I mean seriously, that stuff is wickedly boring and... oh, different topic.

Anyway, just a few afternoon thoughts.

The Weight Debate, Part Two

I figured that after a post with a super-model, it was an appropriate time to bring up this topic again. This time, however, I am using the words of someone else. The lovely and talented Kell decided to write a piece on this topic which proves once again that she is smarter than me. So, without further ado:

While this is a topic not many people want to talk about, there are a few out there that truly can not understand how difficult weight issues are. Mr. Twisted, while I adore him, is one of them. He and I have had a conversation about this very subject. My first point being, that if you have never walked in a fat person’s shoes, you will never understand. This commentary will most likely include a number of TMI topics, so be warned! I have several sisters who are very heavy. My parents are overweight. My twin sister was the only one that escaped the wide-ass curse. But… she worked out an insane amount, rarely remembered to eat and was constantly moving. When she ate, she could really EAT! And it didn’t bother her, a la Mr. Twisted. I think she would have been actually happy if she had been able to hold on to some weight. Me? I have had five children in the last 16 years. Each pregnancy left me heavier than the last. Two years ago, after the final one, I was tired of it. I have lost 53 pounds since then. I am still not happy with the way I look, but that is my issue to deal with. But with this family history and a personal journey, I feel like I can put in a few thoughts on whose fault this is…. It is mine. It is yours. It is theirs.

It is not the fault of Big Food America. While they have helped us along, they didn’t threaten to pull the trigger. They HAVE made “Flavorists” a 1.4 billion dollar industry. 10,000 new processed foods are released every year. But diet food is artificial and not nutritional. It is empty food. Non fat food has as many calories as most regular fat foods. Low Fat and Non Fat labels does not mean healthy. But there is a freedom to being a consumer. I don’t have to buy them. I can read the labels and find this out myself. I can shop the ring of the store and avoid the crap… (Fresh produce, dairy, and leans meats are stocked around the outside of every store. The center is the danger zone!) It isn't just a fast food nation that is to blame. 85% of the food we consume is purchased at a store.

People who blame the media? Yes, they portray unrealistic expectations of what beautiful is. But I have to decide if that is beautiful, now don’t I? I can disagree... I can say that I don’t find slim and nearly emaciated women beautiful. Interesting tidbit… The island of Fiji idolized women who were round, soft and curvy as being beautiful. Western television was introduced and within 2 1/2 years they were dealing with eating disorders. Unheard of prior to TV exposure. An average model is 5’11 and weighs 117 pounds. An average woman in the US is 5’4 and weighs 140 pounds. (Woo Hoo I am tall!) By 4th grade, 80% of girls have tried a diet. But it is still a personal choice and a parent’s responsibility.

There is a reason that the Diet Industry is worth billions. Americans spend as much on diet products as the Federal Government spends on education, every year. And that does not include athletic items, gym memberships, or fitness products. The industry preys on the vulnerability of people who don’t feel that they are good enough. Weight is an issue not just with food or lack of exercise. It has a lot to do with self esteem, feelings, depression, and is completely emotional. Not unlike drinking and drug use. It is estimated that 5-10 million women and over a million men have some sort of eating disorder. Food is a form of self torture for these people. Yet Americans are getting fatter by the day. They are sedentary and in 2005 spent 4 billion dollars on french fries and another 3 billion on potato chips. So where does that leave us?

Weight is a personal problem, not a national one. Yes, there are dealers out there (Lay’s, Ben and Jerry’s, Coca Cola, Hostess) with products that are hazardous to your health. But just like you can walk around the crack house, you can walk away from the crap. I had to be fat AND miserable enough to fix the problem. My problem. I realized that I was chaining myself to the house each time I had a child in order to breast feed them for months and months because I had read that they would be 22% less likely to have weight problems if I did. That was the revelation. I was willing to be chained to the house for them, but not to help myself. So I changed the way I eat. (Which is still not healthy enough, but I am working on it.)

Then there is exercise. Yes, it is very hard to make time. Not many people have the inclination or time to do what they “should.” But…. I have five children, eight if you add in the three adults who can’t seem to care for themselves. I take care of them all 100%- cooking, cleaning, laundry, helping with homework, etc. I am working on my Bachelor’s Degree taking one accelerated class every 5 weeks. I work 25-35 hours a week at my job. I volunteer about 10-12 hours a week between the three schools. I drive carpool and take everyone to their music practices and athletic practices and the resulting games and recitals. Plus, I am the scorekeeper for two teams and yet I find a way to do something at least every other day on average. So to those that have the ability just not the inclination yet…. Get off your ass

By Kell (aka "the one who keeps me sane").

How The West Was, Uhh...

A video depicting the sheer brutality of the wild west. I can't even imagine...

A Birthday Bigger Than All of Us.

Bikini Celebrates 60th Birthday - And this isn't a national holiday because... why, exactly?

Thanks again to official Twisted Sense of Funny spokesmodel Marisa Miller who, if she keeps up good work like this for the site, I might have to give a raise.

Hanoi Jane Takes More Oxygen.

Jane Fonda Declines War Protests - She's probably busy having some cosmetic surgery or something important like that.

Jane Fonda says she would like to tour the country and speak out against U.S.
involvement in Iraq, but her controversial history of Vietnam War protests
leaves her with "too much baggage."

That and a complete lack of relevance to anything. Funny how "giving aid to Communists" gets equated with "too much baggage" in her mind.

"I wanted to do a tour like I did during the Vietnam War, a tour of the
country," the Oscar-winning actress said Monday on ABC's "Good Morning America."
"But then Cindy Sheehan filled in the gap, and she is better at this than I am.
I carry too much baggage."
Sheehan, whose soldier son, Casey, died in Iraq in 2004, has become a
leading anti-war figure.

Do "a tour" as if she was with the USO or something. I wonder how Islamic radicals would treat a woman like Jane. Hmm, maybe she should go... And I get a huge kick out of the fact that whenever you see Sheehan's name mentioned, it's always with a title like "leading anti-war figure." They conveniently leave out the parts like "mother of a guy who volunteered twice for the Army," or "crazy woman who's husband divorced her because she was an embarrassment to the memory of their son." Weird how that stuff gets glossed over.

The Internet Is My Friend

Why? Because of videos like this one.

I think I'm going to start watching a lot more Mexican television.

Even I Can Be Right Sometimes. Seriously.

No Hint Seen in Memo that Plame's Role Was Secret. Huh. Funniest thing, I said this back in February.

Hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day...

Weekend Link Mecca

Once again, I strive to bring it all in a condensed, economically sized package for your viewing pleasure. Check this post over the weekend, as I will just add too it if I find something relevant.

The Funny:
A spot on article about how "Everything I Need To Know I've Learned From Iron Maiden." Good stuff, but if you are not familiar with the band, then most of it won't make much sense.

A pretty funny clip here about ending women's suffrage. Why can't we stop it?!?!? (Thanks to Muse for the link.)

The Weird:
Lawmaker sends nude appreciation email. Classy.

Picasso Bought At Costco Might Be A Fake. Ya think?

The Serious:
Link the links. Opinion Journal's best of the web has a number of interesting reads for the weekend.

Iran issues stark military warning to United States. This could get ugly.

The Beautiful:
A very cool picture of a picture of Paris (turn down your speakers).

Stealing From Dave. Again.

Seriously, I didn't know he had already done the ninja/pirate post yesterday until I saw it on his blog this morning. Oh well. Mine's still funnier.

That being said, I got this link from Garfield Ridge this morning that is absolutely outstanding stuff regarding the recent criticism about SecDef. Donald Rumsfeld. Read it all if you have the time. And if you have even more time, read the comment section following this guy's post. A couple of interesting arguments brought up by a few of the readers. I still side with the guy who wrote the post. My only contention is that he could have actually gone further with his point. Rumsfeld, like him or hate him, has been the first SecDef to put this much emphasis on special operations forces, as that is the nature of the war we are currently engaged in. Certain Generals just refuse to see that, as they want to cling to the "old school" mentality of charging up every hill they see with loads and loads of troops.

Incidentally, I didn't realize that MG Paul Eaton was one of the guys with so much criticism of Rumsfeld. He was commander of Ft. Benning for much of the time that I was there, and his son was even involved in one of the biggest controversies of recent Ranger School history at that time. I could see both sides of the issue when it happened, but it was interesting to see how fast things change when the one doing the complaining has a powerful daddy.

Update: Victor Davis Hanson, once again, says a whole bunch of stuff that makes a heap o' sense on this very topic. Why does one man get all the smarts? It's not fair, I tell you.

Yippy Skippy. It's Friday

No time for blogging. Must. Finish. Homework. However, Friday Funnies are once again refreshed for your viewing pleasure. If you don't think obesity is a problem in this country, watch "Topless Carwash" and then tell me that.

Ninjas are a Serious Problem

ATF rids University of ninja threat - Hey, c'mon guys, you know as well as I do that ninjas are, like, the third leading cause of death among, well, living people. Right behind corporations and Ford Pintos.

ATF agents are always on alert for anything suspicious — including
ninjas.

Jeremiah Ransom, a sophomore from Macon, was leaving a Wesley Foundation
pirate vs. ninja event when he was detained.

A pirate vs. ninja event?!?! And how, may I ask, might one be invited to an event of such grandiose display of utter coolness? Man, I gotta tell you, those guys must be hard core. Way more so than those stupid Dungeons & Dragons weenies. That stuff is so totally fake compared to ninjas. And Pirates!

To be honest, the story kind of falls apart after that last quote. But then again, how could it not? Let's face it, it's pretty hard to top ninjas. And Pirates!

Sign of the End

After receiving this image from the most powerful woman on earth (aka "Mom"), I can ascertain one thing above all else: That there is a massive invasion of our land taking place not by Islamo-fascists, but by an overwhelming force of well organized dolphins. Does anyone know if Aqua Man was ever part of al Qaeda? Does the Patriot Act cover this? And if you are still sitting in your chair reading this, it's most likely too late. Take as many of them out as you can before they take you. The rest of us are depending on you.

Tell it. Then Tell it Again.

There's just no way that people could hear stories like this enough times. I tip my hat to SFC Wilson for her service, and commend her on her bravery.

Scientists are Liars. Unless They Agree With Me.

Ha. Interesting piece here by a professor of atmospheric studies at MIT about global warming and the overblown hysteria that goes along with the topic, and how scientists that have a difference of opinion are essentially silenced by their colleagues.

In fact, those who make the most outlandish claims of alarm are actually
demonstrating skepticism of the very science they say supports them. It isn't
just that the alarmists are trumpeting model results that we know must be wrong.
It is that they are trumpeting catastrophes that couldn't happen even if the
models were right as justifying costly policies to try to prevent global
warming.

If you haven't read Michael Crichton's book State of Fear, he does an excellent job of bringing up some of these same arguments. Yeah, the book is hokey action/drama from a plot perspective, but he certainly did his research enough to make some educated criticism regarding the issues of global warming.

I, for one, am shocked - SHOCKED - at the implication that some scientists might have an "agenda" which is influenced by crazy things like "funding." It's an idea so preposterous that I don't even want to accept it.

I'm a Little Worried

Up until I saw this, I thought that the U.S. had the toughest, most well trained soldiers in the world. Obviously, I was wrong.

Here's to hoping that we can find some way, any way, to defeat a foe with such formidable skill.

The Gospel of Judas

Pretty interesting story that I meant to do a post on last Friday and completely forgot (I was busy auditioning for the up-coming Baywatch movie). And now it would appear that Sobek beat me to it.

His post brings up some interesting questions about the exclusivity of the Holy Bible's content, whether or not other texts should be included, and why or why not. I think it's pretty fascinating, but I'm not sold on the historical accuracy of it just because "they" say so. I will be curious to see where this goes.

There Should be a Tax on the Stupid

DEA Agent Who Shot Self In Foot Sues U.S. - If you haven't already seen the video clip of this, it's classic.

APRIL 11--A Drug Enforcement Administration agent who stars in a popular
online video that shows him shooting himself in the foot during a weapons
demonstration for Florida children is suing over the tape's release, claiming
that his career has been crippled and he's become a laughingstock due to the
embarrassing clip's distribution.

Yeah, I hate to break it to you pal, but you should be a laughing stock. If this wasn't so funny, I would actually be pretty mad about it. The fact is, he had an accidental discharge in a room full of school children, and he's the one upset because he can't give educational presentations anymore. I'm about fed up with people who make mistakes but get bent out of shape because of the consequences. Whatever, still a funny video. I'm just glad no kids were hurt. Won't someone pleeeaaase think of the children?!?!?

In the Pantheon of Brutal Contact Sports...

... You've got hockey, football, cage-fighting, and now... BINGO! Oh, don't fool yourself, bingo players are no joke. Via Drudge:

Police Hunt 4 Women In Beating Death Of Bingo Winner - I had no idea it was such a dangerous sport. Count. Me. In. And I want to get in before they institute all kinds of rules making it "safer." That way, when I'm older, I can recount the good ol' days when bingo used to be hard.

DVD Review: Good Night, and Good Luck

As this is a "political issue" movie, I am going to break this review into two parts. First, the review of the movie itself, then a look at how it presents the issue, and how factual it is (as I see it, through the wondrous power of research, at least).

The movie: First, let me say that for as much crap as I have talked about George Clooney in the past, the man knows how to make a quality movie. He knows how to create a mood, and cast the right people for each role. The production value of Good Night, and Good Luck is pretty amazing. There are great pains taken to set the mood of that era, from the movie itself being in black and white to everyone smoking all the time. Seeing as how I didn't live in that era, I can't vouch for how realistically it is portrayed in the film, but I can say that it did a great job of making me feel like it was the 1950's. Another plus to the movie is the length. I am getting a little sick of every single movie that comes out needing to take two and a half hours to prove that it doesn't really have a point. This one did it in 91 minutes. A bit of a refreshing change, if you ask me.

Overall, a very well done movie in a "quality" sense.

Now, the issue (this may get a little long, so feel free to skip over this): I admit wholeheartedly, that a year ago I knew next to nothing about the topic of "McCarthyism" and the "Red Scare." Since then, however, I have become very interested in it and tried to educate myself on the topic. This, it seems, is WAY too much to ask of George Clooney, as he apparently believes that Edward R. Murrow was single handedly responsible for saving the First amendment. Granted, I knew it would be one sided when I rented it. If I didn't, I could only fault myself. But the abuse of history taken by this film is of great interest to me. Why? Because it truly seems as if Clooney looks at this topic as if he is doing the world a great service by uncovering a story that no one ever thought to tell. Which is exactly how he portrays Murrow - as a lone crusader in a fight to expose evil where no one else has the courage to do so.

This brings up the question of how important of a role did Murrow actually play in the McCarthy scandal. From a great review on Slate, Jack Shafer uses the words of some who were involved:

The McCarthy program "came very late in the day," said one of Murrow's brightest
"boys," Eric Sevareid, in a January 1978 broadcast. "The youngsters read back
and they think only one person in broadcasting and the press stood up to
McCarthy," Sevareid said, "and this has made a lot of people feel very upset,
including me, because that program came awfully late." Sevareid named Elmer
Davis and Martin Agronsky as two broadcasters who had taken on McCarthy long
before Murrow.

According to Clooney's telling of the story, the world would be cold, dark place without the saving grace of Murrow. There are a number of scenes where there is almost a sort of divine light cast on the man, and a quiet awe that follows him.

The overall theme of the movie seems to be to address the abuse of power in government and the attempts to censor the media due to massive paranoia. Obviously, the makers of the movie are trying to draw parallels to today's political climate. But before you can make a comparison based on history, you have to have the historical account correct. In the case of Good Night, and Good Luck, it's not so much that they get history "wrong" so much as they just leave most of it out all together, and spice up a few parts that were mostly inconsequential.

A look at a few of the facts left out of the story:
1)Sen. Joe McCarthy was a raging alcoholic at the time, and got way out of hand. Of this there is little doubt. What the film doesn't show, however, is that there were several people in the journalism community who were pointing these things out long before Murrow. Why does Clooney imply that Murrow was such a lone crusader?
2)Murrow was not exactly a wonder of journalistic integrity. He spent most of his time interviewing celebrities. From part two of Shafer's review,

"If we're going to praise Murrow for producing fearless TV news, we should also
be ready to damn him for paving the way for Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey, and
all the celebrity bootlickers on red carpets."

3)The communist spy threat was very real. In the book The Venona Secrets, the unclassified details of the Venona project are brought to light and show just how far up into the United States government Moscow successfully reached with the likes of people like Alger Hiss, the Rosenbergs, Klaus Fuchs, et al. From Venona:

Fact: Venona has shown conclusively that the highest-level American
government official working for Soviet intelligence was Harry Hopkins, the close
friend of President Roosevelt.

Fact: Atomic scientist J. Robert Oppenheimer performed work on behalf of
the Soviet Union.

Fact: [most pertinent to the movie] The Left liked to use one of the right
wing's favorite complaints as evidence of its inanity - its belief that American
journalists, including some of the best known, had ben deliberately enlisted in
the Soviet cause. The Venona documents leave no room for doubt that this was
exactly the case...

Now, to me at least, that actually makes for better drama than a battle of words between a television show host and a drunk Senator who, by the account of the aforementioned book, really was quite irrelevant in the anti-Communist movement. Yet, that doesn't do much to paint the picture that Clooney wants - a stab at the big, evil government supposedly controlling the media by manipulating and using it to take away the freedoms of the people by way of scare tactics. And that's the gist of the movie. That if we don't look to our saviors (those fearless heroes in movies and television), freedom will be gone forever. It's quite the ego stroke for journalism, and media in general.

I could write a whole lot more (as if to say that you are all still reading by now), but there are two articles that are must reads on this subject that I need to link because they offer up a far more educated point of view than I do. The first is by William F. Buckley jr. He is actually part of the movie (albeit he is just mentioned by name), so it's very interesting from that perspective, and a short article. The second is Jonah Goldberg in classic form. Kind of a weird sense of humor, but very, very well written. As they say, read it all.

What a Stretch

Report: Simpson to Play Anderson's Part in 'Baywatch' Movie - And kudos to her, I say. Those are no small bra-straps to fill.

The actress has landed the key role in the Hollywood remake of the 1990s TV
show "Baywatch."

And it's about time, in my humble opinion, that Hollywood starts focusing it's attention on quality entertainment like this. I've been lobbying for a CHiP's or an A-Team movie for years, but this is certainly a step in the right direction.

Jessica, 25, will play a heroic lifeguard on Venice Beach, Calif. — and may even
copy the slow-motion running that made fellas such a fan of 38-year-old Pammi in
the Saturday evening show.

You don't just learn the ability it takes to run in slow motion. That's like some sort of natural gift, man. I smell Academy award written all over this one.

Producers hope David Hasselhoff, 53, who played Lt Mitch Buchannon, will
join the cast now Jessica is on board.

Hope? HOPE?!?! I'm sorry, but if Mitch Baywatch is not involved, it will completely lose most, if not all, the credibility that this franchise has earned through years and years of trend-setting quality entertainment. We're not talking about some run-of-the-mill show here, this is delicate stuff.

Ha. Thanks to the ever-wise to the Wake-Woman (cousin to the invisible jet-flying super hero) for the uber-awesome link. We can all sleep better knowing that they found a suitable replacement for one of TV's most beloved characters.

An Old Standby

When there is nothing else funny to say, you can always go to the Onion.

"Girls Gone Wild Released Back Into Civilization."

Despite the girls' early positive response, Ottley said that there is still a
risk that they could revert to their wild state, so she continued to severely
restrict their exposure to the outside world. "Any proximity to a D - list
celebrity, a song by Poison, or a neon beer bong could set reintegration back to
square one," Ottley said.

Ha. Classic.

Cheesiest. Fight. Scene. Ever.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a winner.

Wow. That is... really... something.

Army Lite

When you all get a moment, take a few minutes and head over to Foxnews.com and check out their "free video" section. More specifically, the one entitled "Boot Camp Lite." Even more specifically than that, check out CSM Mapuoletuu (first interview) and if you could, do me a huge favor and come back here and tell me just exactly what in the hell that is. The name says "Melanie" so my best guess is that it's a woman, but...

The subject of a "kinder gentler" basic training was set to be the topic of this post, but that.... person, just kind of weirded me out.

While you're there, check out this story and tell me why someone is "innocent" just because they're crazy. They still committed the crime.

Friday Again

Friday funnies are up once again at Greg Bruns's site.

If you only have time for one or two, the "Biathlon" and the "Horror" are both classic (incidentally, the "Ghost Rider" one is about five minutes of nothing but a guy on a crotch-rocket going really fast in and out of traffic. Not really my thing, but you may enjoy that).

Busy day, but try to check back later tonight and on the weekend, as we will be bringing the funny in heavy dosage.

Music Appreciation

As most music lists discuss “most influential” or “best” this or that, we decided to take a different look at music history.
In this first co-blogging effort in the history of Twisted Sense of Funny (which pre-dates some civilizations), el Jeffe and I, Mr. Twisted, will be discussing which artists in the history of music have done the most to discredit their own genre.

Mr. Twisted: el Jeffe, I would have to say that the first artists who come to mind in this category would be Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. Country music was happily trucking along with the likes of Shania Twain, Alan Jackson, and Garth “are you going to eat that last bear-claw” Brooks eating up the charts, when Tim and Faith began making googly eyes at each other and effectively forcing the vast majority of country music fans to throw up in their mouths, just a little. Your thoughts?

El Jeffe: Well put, Twisted. For myself, choosing the first victim was a daunting task. Until I remembered Limp Bizkit. Through the first three studio albums (which is as far as I paid attention) the band used one, and only one, songwriting formula (45 times!!!). Not to mention front-man Fred "King of the Invertebrates" Durst. His whining/singing style is reminiscent of a 3 year old who scraped his knee. Granted, the band doomed themselves from the start by choosing the rap-metal genre. Not much to discredit there. But for rock music, as a whole, the irritating rash left behind by the Limp Bizkit disease will never fully heal.

Mr. Twisted: Indeed, that is quite a lump on the head of rock music they left behind. Even more remarkable is that they managed to ruin not one, but two genres with the epidemic like spreading of the red baseball cap and wife-beater shirts. The fashion world may have actually taken more of a beating due to that wonderful trend.

el Jeffe: Many wardrobes received serious overhauls, inspired by the fear of "Bizkit association". Unfortunately so, as wife beaters and red hats used to be perfectly acceptable items of clothing. The distinction here is that if you put a Tim or Faith video on mute, they become acceptable musicians. No such luck with Durst & co. But is the blame to fall at the feet of these miscreants, or should we turn our indignation towards the saps who gladly pay money for said slop?

Mr. Twisted: I fault the artists. No question about it. We need look no further than the ever disappointing turn of events occurring within the downward spiral of Metallica to prove this point: By taking what was once an aggression and energy-filled musical juggernaut and turning it into the equivalent of a Friday evening at Furrs Cafeteria, they proved that a band can completely change it’s direction without the fans really even knowing what happened. I think it actually took about 6 or 7 years for most of them to catch on.

el Jeffe: I had to compose myself after the Metallica bashing. While I can't argue the validity of those statements, that doesn't make them hurt any less. I think their downfall arose from a compulsion to stay together when time apart and experimental side projects would have provided healthy outlets. Which brings to mind the aforementioned Garth "Hungry Hungry Hippo" Brooks. He chose to dress as a metro-sexual, assume the alias of Chris Gaines, and, if memory serves, still play country music (albeit songs Kris Kristofferson wouldn't use for toilet tissue). Now THAT is definitely an instance where I would blame the artist, and at the same time, provides a terrible example for backing up my Metallica theory. However, in the case of Barbara Streisand, I feel that if she was ignored, she would go away and leave us alone. Record labels won't pay for albums that they know won't sell. So now the fans are responsible.

Mr. Twisted: Touché. But bringing up Barbara Streisand while talking about Metallica is kind of like thinking about your grandparents having sex. While it may happen, the majority of the world just doesn’t want to know about it.

el Jeffe: Gross. Please accept my profusest (I just invented that word) apologies. I just wanted to show off my well-rounded knowledge for all the ladies out there in Blogland.

Mr. Twisted: Apology accepted. And kudos to you on the word invention. But trust me, you will be beating the women off with a rolled up copy of Cosmo when they hear about your masters degree in knowledgeismology. No need to try and impress, the work says it all, man.

I think that we have sufficiently beaten this subject to death (there was a subject???), and scarred the minds of many with images of Fred Durst, Barbara Streisand, and old people making with the naked. As such, we shall adjourn to our “wisdom chamber” to hatch a new scheme for our next co-blogging effort.

Until then…

Always off-center;
El Jeffe & Mr. Twisted.

Talking Heads

Jonah Goldberg takes an interesting look at the whole Katie Couric/CBS News thing.

Consider how the respected television analyst Andrew Tyndall defines the job of
news anchor. The job has two parts, he told the Washington Post. First, they
have to read the TelePrompTer. The second part involves "sitting behind the desk
when there's a crisis."

I hate to criticize something I've never done, but at the same time, I've wondered this very same thing for years. How hard could it really be?

Consider Barbara Walters. In the '70s and '80s, it was drummed into us that she
was the Susan B. Anthony of American journalism. Even today, whenever her bona
fides as a serious journalist are questioned, she gets her hackles up and plays
the angered feminist. Then she returns to asking Hollywood movie stars what kind
of tree they would be if they could be a tree and hosting that paragon of Cafe
Vienna Moment journalism, The View.

Ha. That's good stuff. Read the whole thing, it isn't very long.

Random Survey

From Jason's blog -
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? I'm White???
2. When is the next time you will have sex? Is that the whole "procreation" thing? I've heard of that...
3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR"? Is this one of those questions where at the end of it, no matter what I say, I end up getting fired?
4. Favorite planet? Is Taco Bell a planet?
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile? The President. I swear he *never* stops calling...
6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? The one that tells me how cool I am.
7. What shirt are you wearing? One that says "Hey Bush, get out of mine." Wait, what? That's a girls shirt? Huh...
8. Do you "label" yourself? Does "Professor Emeritus of Crapology" count?
9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing? Tire tread from a '46 Willy's Jeep. Or "Viet Cong Air's" as they are called.
10. Bright or Dark Room? Padded.
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? He's got a lot of ability for a boy his size.
12. If you're alone in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep on? Two beds? What am I, a millionaire?
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Repositioning the coat hangers on my ceiling to deflect the satellite imagery focused on my room.
14. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say? "POTUS is en route to your location, needs advice on..." The rest is classified.
5. Where is your letter box? I don't put letters in boxes. I use them to spell *words*. Duh.
16. What's a word that you say a lot? Is "Like, ya know" considered one word?
17.Who told you he/she loved you last? The mailman, which, to be quite honest, worries me a little.
18. Last furry thing you touched? Same answer as previous question. Is that normal?
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? Is "deep fried" a drug?
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? My *staff* takes care of menial tasks like that.
21. Favorite age you have been so far? Most of the '90's is a bit of a blur, so...
22. Your worst enemy? That darn kid who's bigger than me who NEVER picks me for dodgeball and then laughs at me for wearing a helmet all the time. He's just jealous.
23. What is your current desk top picture? As if to say that David Cassidy isn't *always* on my desktop.
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? I know you threw that in the trash can, but are you done with it?
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you take? This would imply that I don't already posses both... whoops, I may have said too much.
26. Do you like someone? That girl who punches me all the time in English class. But when I tried to talk to her, I threw up on her shirt. I think that's bad.
27. The last song you listened to? David Hasselhof's wicked rendition of "Hooked on a Feeling." Just doesn't get much better than that.
28. If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, would you jump in front of the bullet? You don't mean like *real* bullets, do you? Cause those can hurt...
29. If you could punch 1 person in the face who's in your life right now, who would it be? That guy who holds up the stop sign for kids to cross the street. I don't like the cut of his jib one bit.
30. What is the closest object to your left foot? My helper monkey, who is currently awaiting his next command while getting tanked on spiced rum and Belgian waffles. Worthless piece of...

The Weight Debate

This has been a prevailing topic in a few of my classes this semester, even more so than the War on Terror, believe it or not. On the one hand, you have people that blame "Big Food" and say that it's the fault of "corporate evil" like McDonald's and Burger King that make people get fat, and that we live in a society where people don't have time or money to eat anything else. On the other, you have those who say that it's the fault of parents for not forcing their children to exercise or do anything but sit around the house and play video games (those damn video games! They're of the devil, I tell you!!!).

I am torn, not because of the two sides I describe above, but because I was lucky enough to be blessed with a metabolism that would allow me to sit on the couch all day and eat nothing but Funyions and Ho-Ho's and still never get fat. Ergo, it is hard for me to argue against someone who doesn't have that ability, as no matter how much I try to see it from their point of view, quite frankly I never fully will.

That being said, my personal view revolves more around the subject of exercise (or more importantly, the lack thereof), as opposed to an improper diet. This is another debate in and of itself, as many feel that they just don't have enough time for it. I have my own views on that, as well, but I would like to hear different opinions on this subject. Because, ya know, I care. Ha.

Bad Movies

Here's a pretty cool list of the 100 worst movies of all time. I'm too tired to add any commentary right now, but I'll try and do that tomorrow. I will say, however, that while I'm pleased to see Battlefield Earth made in on the list, I'm more than slightly disappointed that they felt the need to include the classic and awe inspiring Gymkata. Dude, he was a martial arts expert. And a gymnast!

Up in the Air

I have mixed feelings about this. While I would have been jumping for joy over a movie version of The Simpsons about five or six years ago, they have lost a little of their luster for me. We shall see.

Sex Is Bad, MmmKay

Erotic thrillers lose steam at box office - Apparently, no one is in the mood to see Sharon Stone get naked anymore.

Paul Verhoeven, director of the first "Basic Instinct" (which scored $353
million worldwide) as well as the widely ridiculed "Showgirls" (now regarded as
something of a camp classic), attributes the genre's demise to the current
American political climate.

Oh for the love of... Is he serious? Yes, let's blame the downfall of "erotic thrillers" on politics. Let's not blame it on the fact that we've seen all this before, and it's not, what's the word I'm looking for... original.

"Anything that is erotic has been banned in the United States," said the Dutch
native. "Look at the people at the top (of the government). We are living under
a government that is constantly hammering out Christian values. And Christianity
and sex have never been good friends."

Uhh, yeah. I'm at a loss for words, too.

"We're in a big puritanical mode," he said. "Now, it's like the McCarthy era,
except it's not 'Are you a communist?' but 'Have you ever put sex in a movie?'"

Well that I can agree with. If there is one thing that pops into my mind when I see an erotic thriller it is "this will kill more people than communism." Is it a coincidence that Stone and Stalin both start with the same letters? I think not. It's obvious that these movies are doing poorly for one reason and one reason only - massive fear.

Seriously, I can't even keep writing about this without laughing. These poor Hollywood schmucks actually fail to see that the reason these movies do so poorly is because they suck. Pornography is a multi-billion dollar a year industry, but these guys are firmly convinced that their movies aren't doing well because "eroticism" is an enemy of the state. Gotcha.

The only question is, what genre will be the next victim of the Bush administration? Horror? Action? One can only hope that it's the Romantic Comedy...

Weekend Link-Bonanza

Lack of posting, I know... I'm a horrible person, blah blah blah...

Due to a lack of inspiration lately, I just haven't been able to come up with anything witty to say. So instead, I'll offer a few links:

On the funny side - Spider-Man Reviews Crayons, then a commentary on Real Life vs. The Internet by a couple of HALO characters. Both good stuff (a few bad words, so be aware of that).

On the serious side - Over at Michelle Malkin's site, Allahpundit is guest-blogging and absolutely going crazy with commentary (and he links about a gazillion different articles. Which is a lot, if you really think about it). The guy is on fire. An interesting article about the ACLU's Hypocritical Approach to Church and State is worth looking at. And of course, you can't have a group of links without an article by Victor Davis Hanson. Well worth a read.

On the weird side - I read this a while back, but just came across it again: L. Ron Hubbard jr's interview with Penthouse magazine in 1983. Pretty interesting, if you want to know just how much of a scam Scientology is, via Jen at Demure Thoughts.

On the Iraq side - I've been meaning to add a link to this guy's site for a while, but have just been lazy. If you have never read any Michael Yon, do yourself a favor and check it out. By far and away the best front-line reporting out there, as he is an ex-soldier who actually reports from the front lines (instead of a hotel balcony). Add on top of that, he's a great writer. Very insightful.

I'll try to get back to original thought in the near future, but check back, as I may be adding more to this thread later.