Did you know that being married is like being nibbled to death by a duck?

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Makes Sense

Girl Weds Stray Dog - Sounds good so far...

A girl was forced to marry a dog because her superstitious family thought her
teeth had brought them bad luck. Seven-year-old Shivam Munda was told to wed the stray after her upper teeth arrived before her lower teeth.

She's lucky that's all she had to do. So help me if any daughter of mine ever lets her upper teeth come in first...

Her father Kundan, a coal miner, said it was a bad omen and had brought an
"evil eye" on her and her family.

I remember getting the "evil eye" a few times when I was a kid. If only I had known that I could have averted all of that trouble by simply marrying the dog, my childhood would have been much less traumatic.

Pink is a Genius

Kudos to the artist Pink for making this video. The song itself is nothing to get too revved up about, but her brutal rip on the likes of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan is too funny not to link.

Monday, February 27, 2006

He's Just a Big Softie

Bin Laden 'likes hugs not kisses' - No, I didn't just make that headline up.

Australia's "Jihad Jack", convicted of receiving funds from al-Qaeda, says
Osama Bin Laden does not like being kissed but is happy to be hugged.

He also quoted bin Laden saying "I feel like, sometimes, like, there isn't, like, a lot of like, 'truth' out there, in like, you know like, most relationships these days. Some people are like, soo fake, ya know?" Ok, so maybe I made some of that part up. Slightly.

My favorite quote from Jihad Jack -

"I never really thought I'd be a Muslim," he told ABC. "I'd say, 'Oh look, you
know, I really love your religion but I really love my beer'."


Well, you do have to prioritize.

Thomas said an al-Qaeda operative, Khaled Bin Attash, told him Bin Laden
wanted a "white boy" to carry out terrorist attacks in Australia.
Thomas
said Bin Attash told him there was $10,000 for anyone attempting a terrorist
strike there.

You wouldn't do it for $10,00? Geez, I can't imagine why not. Sounds like a great deal.

While accepting that he might be "naive and an idealist", Thomas added he would
never have wanted to hurt innocent people, The Age quoted him as saying.


Naive and idealistic? Surely you jest. This guy sounds totally on the level. And sober.

Da Vinci Code Nonsense

'Da Vinci Code' Author Accused in Copyright Suit - Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code best selling novel of grandiose crapola, finally ended up in court for it.

Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh, authors of "The Holy Blood and the Holy
Grail," sued Random House, which also published their book. Random House denies
the claim.
Baigent and Leigh claim Brown appropriated their ideas and themes
in writing his book, which has sold more than 25 million copies worldwide since
its 2003 publication.


This is humorous to me, because when I first heard the premise behind Da Vinci Code, I said "hey, that's exactly like what it says in Holy Blood, Holy Grail." I just always assumed he used that as a source and gave credit. Apparently not.

The ironic twist to this whole story (and why I link it) is the complete debunking of Holy Blood, Holy Grail by secular and non-secular historians alike. Essentially, as far as the historicity of it, the book holds about as much weight as most conspiracy theories - i.e. none. So basically, Brown not only plagiarized, but he did it from a book of total nonsense. And he became a millionaire doing it. Let this be a lesson to you kids out there.

For a more in-depth look at both books, check out this article. Fascinating topic that I would write more on if I wasn't so busy looking for my own book to steal from.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Oh Happy Day

Although I originally saw the commercials a couple of years ago on the web, not until today did I find out that there is an entire web site devoted to the genius known as "Trunk Monkey." If you haven't already seen the videos, do yourself a favor and watch a few of them.

Now if only my trunk monkey would get here. Apparently he's on back order.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

DVD Review: Domino

Supposedly based on the true story of one Domino Harvey, the movie Domino can be summed up by saying: Meh.

I would guess that the "based on a true story" tagline of this one comes from the fact that there was a girl named Domino, she was the daughter of a famous actor, and she became a bounty hunter. Past that, I'm guessing the producers took a few liberties. Like, say, the whole rest of the movie. I'm sitting here trying to come up with some redeeming qualities in the movie, but I am coming up pretty short. What's weird is that it's not that bad of a movie, it's just not that good, either. Unless you are a huge fan of Keira Knightley (which is not a bad thing), don't bother. Ultimately, it becomes one of those movies that never really decides if it is trying to be serious and realistic or not. Which essentially drives me nuts. One way or the other, dang- nabbit!

Incidentally, the real Domino Harvey died shortly before the release of this movie of a drug overdose. So it's a little tough to buy into the whole glamorization of her life. Which is weird, 'cause I figured bounty hunters were the epitome of class.

Friday, February 24, 2006

You Know "That" Guy

Every class you have ever taken has one. That one person who asks the most retarded questions imaginable, extending the time it takes to get through the material immeasurably. Yesterday, in my political science class, after the professor brought up the age discrimination act that prevents employers from discriminating against, well, age, this woman in the back of the class pipes up "well, the government is breaking their own rules because they don't let anyone in the military older than 35." Uhh, yeaaahhh.... I wish I could say this was the only time she said something like that, but the truth is, comments of these sorts come out of her mouth about every five minutes or so, painfully extending every lecture we are given.

At any rate, you've all had one of these people in numerous classes. Share an account of your most memorable one. Do it, or I will send Scientologists to each of your doorsteps and tell them that you are rich.

Totally Justifiable

Police: Man Angry About Slamming Door Killed Neighbor - I don't see a problem here.

Investigators believe Betty Shepperd was murdered over something that
sounds extremely trivial. They said 45-year-old Vito Loiacono was irritated that
Shepperd was slamming the door at night and waking him up.

Well I think it's high time someone finally stood up to one of these damn door-slammers. They have struck fear into the heart of our society for far too long, and people like this Vito fella are exactly what this country needs to stand up to them. Maybe now people will think twice before they slam a door again. I think there should probably even be some sort of waiting period enforced upon door-ownership. Possibly a background check to prevent habitual offenders from engaging in this despicable and disruptive activity. Bastards.

He's Smarter Than Me

New article by Victor Davis Hanson -

We are at a standoff of sorts, as we cannot yet stop the fear of the IED,
and they cannot halt the progress of democracy. The Americans are unsure whether
their own continued massive use of force — GPS bombings or artillery strikes —
will be wise in such a sensitive war of hearts and minds, and must be careful to
avoid increased casualties that will erode entirely an already attenuated base
of public support for remaining in Iraq at all. The terrorists are more
frustrated that, so far, they cannot inflict the sort of damage on the Americans
that will send them home or stop the political process entirely.

There's really nothing I can say here that he doesn't say better in the article. Make the time to read the whole thing. It will make you bigger, stronger, faster, and better looking. Seriously.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Was She Even A Spy?

Fitzgerald Refuses to Show Evidence That Valerie Wilson Was Classified - This is a question I (along with others) have been asking since this "scandal" broke; was Valerie Plame/Wilson actually a spy?

Was Valerie Wilson a secret CIA officer when her name appeared in Robert
Novak's famous July 14, 2003, column, and what damage did the exposure of her
identity do to national security? Fitzgerald has so far refused to provide any
evidence touching on either question, at times shifting his reasoning as Libby's
lawyers pressed their case.

This seems to be an issue that is completely ignored whenever this story comes up in the main-stream media. It is entirely possible (and looking quite likely) that Plame/Wilson was not even involved in the clandestine operations side of the CIA house. While "technically" everyone at the CIA is supposed to remain somewhat anonymous, there is a far cry from the level of secrecy needed by someone who works in the DO (Directorate of Operations, under which the Clandestine Operations/Officers fall), and someone who is in a scientific or analytical position. Most of the hype surrounding this story makes this out to be the outing of a covert spy, yet there has been absolutely no proof of that so far. Should be interesting to see where it goes from here.

Anti-War Concert

Lineup set for anti-war concert -

Among the performers scheduled to play March 20 are R.E.M. frontman Michael
Stipe, Bright Eyes, Rufus Wainwright, Fischerspooner, Public Enemy's Chuck D,
Devendra Banhart and Peaches, Billboard.com reported.


Notably absent from the lineup will be: 75th Ranger Regiment, 1st, 3rd, 5th, 7th & 10th Special Forces Groups; Navy DevGroup; AFSOC; and the entire 18th Airborne Corp. They seem to be all tied up with activities that aren't completely self-indulgent. And funniest thing, they're all absent by choice. Kind of ironic, isn't it.

Warrior Fitness

New Warrior Wire Newsletter is up - "No Excuses." For those of you not familiar with Ross Enamait and Warrior Fitness, I am a huge proponent of his style of physical conditioning. An excerpt:

One of the most common excuses for skipping workouts is a self-perceived
lack of time. Many individuals will simply skip a workout if they do not have a
large block of available time. One of the goals of this website is to destroy
many of the myths pertaining to fitness development. You do not need an hour of
training time to achieve a quality workout. You also do not need a state of the
art training facility. As the video above illustrates, you can achieve a quality
workout with little if any equipment.

If you are concerned about physical fitness at any level, and feel you either don't want to go to a gym or you just don't have the time, definitely check his stuff out. He has a workout on the page linked above that takes ten minutes, and is one of the most physically demanding things you could ever do to your body. Suffice to say, I will never pay for a gym membership again in my life, and I will be in far better shape and have much more time and money on my hands by following routines such as his. Again, I highly recommend his methodology. Good stuff.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Bode Miller Has Had One Too Many "Bode-Doobies"

Has anyone else seen these Nike Commercials featuring aspiring socialist Bode Miller? Unfortunately, I can't seem to find a link to one of them on the web, which means I can't quote the "exact wording," enabling me to make fun of it even further. So instead, I'll just make up some stuff. Which, from the looks of the commercial, is exactly what Bode did.

Essentially, Boodie's (yeah, I know, that's how I'm spelling it from here on out) philosophy centers around the idea that sports in this country have taken a wrong turn and led our children down a path of destruction by declaring things like "winners" and "losers." Horrific, I know. But wait, it gets better. He goes on to say how ironic it is that in society, people can be accepted for their different choices in lifestyle (e.g. if someone wanted to be a gay sheep-herder, say), but in sports, we can only accept people who are better than everyone else. Umm, Boodie? Sweetheart? That's what sports are all about, jackass. If we don't pick a winner, it seems kind of pointless, now doesn't it. Not so in Boodie's world, where apparently the sky is a much brighter, prettier color. According to him, we are paying the price in our society for leading our children to believe that winning is important. He's right, you know. We would all be much happier if all of the games we played ended in a tie. Remember the first game you watched or played in that ended in a tie? Remember how overjoyed you were? Yeah, that's how life should be. Everyone's a winner. And then we could all get together and eat plain white toast while listening to some Grateful Dead records. That would be swell.

The strangest part to me is that Nike has chosen to use this guy to represent them. Nike has had a pretty strong tradition over the last twenty or so years of using people that, well, go against pretty much everything Boodie says in his commercial. Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong... See a trend here? Yeah, they're all winners. They were all "better" than everyone else around them, multiple times. And they were recognized for that. Funny how that works.

It would be interesting to see if Boodie will give all the money he earned in his Nike advertising campaign to all the skiers who weren't good enough to get sponsored. After all, it's only fair.

Update: Chief editor of Twisted and ever lovely Kell pointed out that you can go here to watch some of Boodie's wisdom. Just go to the "barn" section (the website is a pain in butt). If you frequently spend your nights waxing philosophical about "the man" keeping you down and how following Phish is cool, but not the same as following the Dead, then a lot of what you will find on that site may make sense to you. If you are like the rest of us, however, it's just plain comical.

An Orgy of Olympic Hockey

To the complete and total surprise of absolutely no one, Team USA lost to Finland today in the men's quarter-finals of Olympic hockey. I had a chance to watch three out of the four games today, so I am kind of on hockey overload. The team I picked to win, the Czech Republic, beat Slovakia in one of the best games I've ever watched. Why did I not pick the US? Don't get me wrong, I'm as patriotic as the next guy, but when you include guys like Keith "don't get between me and my jelly donuts" Tkachuk on your team, it just spells doom right from the get-go. Seriously, that guy was an embarrassment with the way he acted back in the 1998 Olympics at Nagano, and he really hasn't done much since (besides eat. A lot), but they continue to indulge him by putting him on the team. Funniest thing, they benched him for the most part in the third period. Then, when they finally let him on the ice, he took a penalty, forcing the team to go shorthanded while trying desperately to mount a comeback. Whatever, I could totally coach a team to Olympic gold. By myself. While playing. And scoring a hat-trick. Every period. I just choose to go to college instead because, you know, a mind is a terrible thing. Or something.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Philosophical Wanking (Inspired by a Bunny Named Wanda)

I came across this piece I wrote a few months back. As I am just not in a very humorous mood, it just seems like the thing to do to share this:

There is an old African saying that, loosely translated, says “A person is a person, because of other people”. At first glance, this may seem obvious and quite contrite. If looked at with an open mind, however, one can see that there is much more to it.

We are not all created equally. We are not all capable of the same things that the person beside us is. We are in fact, quite different from one another in numerous ways. Yet it is these same differences that allow us to grow as a person; to grow in our knowledge of human understanding, and acceptance of why we are here.

What is our responsibility then? Is it to help others where they are weak and you are strong? This is part of it, but it goes a step further. We do not fully begin to grow as human beings until we realize our own weakness, and accept the fact that there are other people in our lives that can be relied upon to make up for those shortcomings. This is much easier said than done, as our ego tends to get in the way as we tell ourselves that we can handle all problems on our own. The greatest lies are ones that are believed by the one telling them.

Why do we deny others’ help? Is it a lack of trust for other human beings? Possibly, but I believe that an unwillingness to surrender our own ego is a more accurate definition of the problem. The very thought that we alone cannot handle a problem is a fear that drives many of us in our daily life. Each one of us sees ourselves as the complete human being; the one who can solve everyone else’s problems as well as our own. Unfortunately, this is a charade that many of us can carry on quite well, and most others are never the wiser. For those fitting into that mold, however, it is a lonely road to be traveled.

Does it have to be this way? Do those of us with the high walls of self-sufficiency need to wander from friend to friend, stopping only long enough to solve their problems and console their torn and ragged hearts before moving on? This is an unanswerable question, of course, as those who play this role can only answer it for themselves. They most likely know that there are others there to help, others who can bear some of the burden. But sometimes they need another soul, not unlike their own, to remind them that they are not alone; someone who understands them, not because they are trying to solve their problems, but because they are so much like themselves. It is when souls such as these collide that the light of understanding is sometimes shown directly on one or both of them.

The answers are neither simple nor complex, as the answers lie within each of us, only as long as we are humble enough to look for them. Can we be strong for others while surrendering our own selves? It is this balance that a relationship must hinge on. We are not complete, physically, mentally, or spiritually until we allow for growth inspired by others. And that growth may only be inspired by our own willingness to accept our weaknesses, and allow those who have come into our lives to strengthen us.

We are all here for the benefit of others. By not giving, we are being selfish; by not receiving, we are denying the world what could be.



Have a good one, back to the funny tomorrow.

Don't Mess With Canadian Kids and Their Hockey. Even If You Are a Polar Bear.

Bear crashes hockey game, mom saves kids - Hey, guess what mister polar bear, Canadians take their hockey seriously, eh. So take off, you hoser.

I remember when my mom used to fight off polar bears to defend me. Ahh, the good ol' days.

Monday, February 20, 2006

President's Day

FOXNews has an interesting compilation of letters based on the question "If You Could Be Any President, what would you change?" I get a kick out of some of the responses.

"I never would have allowed Africans to be brought over to become slaves." —
Diann (Montana)


No foolin'? Great idea, too bad it started before we ever had a president.

I suppose my answer to this question would be to be President during the Bill Clinton years and take care of the whole bin Laden issue back then. I am curious to read more input from all of you on this.

Family Guy is The Coolest Show on TV

If you don't watch the show, this clip might not be quite as funny. But if you do, it's classic.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Best/Worst Book to Movie Transition

I'll start this off with a couple of my own:

Best - Although it's kind of cheating (since it was technically a mini-series), Band of Brothers ranks up there as one of the best movies from a book. Granted, it took ten hours worth of footage to do it, but they did an incredible job of putting that on screen and not leaving anything out.
Honorable mention - Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. In all honesty, it's probably the only movie I've ever seen that came from a book where you actually need to see the movie to understand some of what is going on, as well as vice versa.

Worst - I made it all the way through the abomination known as Syrianna before I found out that it was supposed to be a film adaptation of the book See No Evil by Robert Baer. I read that book not more than six months before seeing the movie, and had absolutely no idea they were connected until the credits rolled. The book was an excellent series of adventures experienced by the author in his twenty-plus year CIA career. The movie was... George Clooney wanking.
Honorable mention - Anything by Michael Crichton. I really enjoy his books, but his movies just plain suck (with the possible exception of Jurassic Park). They always completely miss the cool factor of his books, which is usually some kind of revolutionary technological gizmo or invention. While the movies end up being Demi Moore in a bra trying to rape Michael Douglas. Riiiight.

Your thoughts are not only needed, but necessary if you are to avoid being killed by a Ninja.

Bringing the Funny With a Heavy Dose

For those of you that have never read "Fashion SWAT" at Something Awful, you are in for a serious treat. This one is all about obscure comic book characters, and is quite possibly one of the funniest things I've ever read. If I were as creative as these guys, I would, I dunno... be making money at this, maybe? Instead, I just steal from them and give it to you. Try to read as many pages as you can before your eyes swell shut from tears of laughter. Enjoy.