A Twisted Sense of Funny

Did you know that being married is like being nibbled to death by a duck?

Saturday, October 30, 2010

A Twisted Sense of Things

A Twisted Sense of Government.

A Twisted Sense of Dating.

A Twisted Sense of Religion.

Scroll down for the latest on this site, as this will be the permanent top post.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

On Dating Smart Chicks

I came across an article today entitled "Does This Law Degree Make My A$$ Look Fat?" (and yes, I changed those s's to dollar signs to avoid porn-spam on my blog) and it made me think.

No, really. I thought about stuff. And then I thought about guns and zombies and airplanes and forgot all about this article until just now.

And what, you may ask, did I think about? Well, it goes something like this: I'm thinking of doing a multi-stage blog (read: spread out over several weeks) on the topic of dating. You see, I'm getting married in two weeks, and as such, I'm basically an expert on the subject. How so? Because I won.

It's like struggling for years and years to win the Super Bowl and then finally achieving that goal; it allows one to kick back, go to Disneyland, and and write a book about how I achieved success. Oh and I get a shiny ring, too!

So starting next week some time I will debut "A Twisted Sense of Dating." Possibly on another blog or possibly on this one; it depends on who bids higher or sends me more truck-loads of cash.

Oh but back to the linked article, it made me remember a lot of things that I have learned through the years (and years, and years, and years...) of being single and how both men and women are screwed up. But not only that, how incorrect most dating "experts" are when analyzing the realities of what constitutes the never-ending search-to-not-be-alone in today's society.

So stay tuned, 'cause I'm sure it will be a riot. If you're married it will probably make you happy you are, and if you're not...well, I'm not liable for what you do to yourself because I don't even use my real name on this site. Convenient, isn't it?

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Pick-up Lines: A Review

Yahoo posted up this article with the statement that it containes pick-up lines that "work." I am, to put it mildly, highly skeptical. Let's have a look at what they have, shall we?

From a stand up comedian I've never heard of: "I’ll stare at people until they notice me and say, ‘What are you looking at?’ and it totally works in terms of breaking the ice."

You know what else that works for accomplishing? Getting a restraining order, or punched in the face. I have to be honest, I liked neither of those when I got...er, I mean from the people I know, both are painful. Or so I've heard.

From a celebrity hairdresser (right, because they are clearly experts):"Being casual and friendly goes a long way towards establishing trust with someone. Also, use the fact that everyone has an image or fantasy of who they are inside. Tell the person he or she reminds you of a certain celebrity and maybe continue the conversation by asking, ‘If you could be any celebrity, who would it be?’ You’d be surprised by some of the answers you might get!"

Being casual and friendly is the fastest possible route to the "friend zone." Ever been there? It's not a place where hope's and dreams are made, I can tell you. And if you really think you want to know what the average person has for a "fantasy of who they are inside," then you are just asking for a walk down Crazy Lane. I'm sure I would be surprised by some of the answers I got, but only because the average person's detached view of reality never ceases to amaze me.

From "Carrie"(?): "Do something crazy with your girlfriends. My friends and I used to play a game where one of us would go up to a guy the other thought was cute and say, ‘My friend over there is psychic and we can prove it.’ We had a whole system worked out, but the guys would go along because they’re always up for an outrageous story.”

News flash for guys who run into these girls: Anyone claiming, even as a joke, to be "psychic" should be avoided at all costs. This includes running away screaming at the mention of said "system" and, if necessary, setting yourself on fire to avoid further conversation. It will be less painful than the alternative.

From the owner of Brooklyn At! clothing (I totally shop there all the time): "Treat the person you want to talk to as a human being -- as opposed to someone you just want to pick up."

Hey, Danny? If you're not even going to try, then just go sit in the corner. You're banned from giving more advice.

The next quote is from the former ambassador to South Korea. Do we really send people with awesome pick-up skills to talk to South Koreans? You know the answer to that one. Next!

Dr. (riiiight) Joy Brown, clinical psychologist: "Pick something in the environment around you that you can comment on; for example, say, ‘Isn’t that the ugliest painting you ever saw?’"

This one actually has potential. Like this one time when I was at the zoo, there was a really attractive girl next to me at one of the cages. I shouted "hey, that's how baby monkeys are made! Woo hoo!!" She then flashed me a look that was clearly one of attraction. Or abject horror. Either way we are getting married this month, and it has much more to do with primate procreation than it does with any of the roofies I slipped her, I can assure you.

There is one more suggestion from a writer for the New York Post, but I don't read it and have my doubts as to the true existence of this place they call "New York" anyway. So I'm not including that one, but instead will just rant on for a few more minutes about how bad the last Indiana Jones was. Yes, I know it's completely unrelated, but seriously... did you see that movie? They couldn't leave well-enough alone, could they? Nooooooo. Just had to go and ruin the perfect trilogy. Sure glad George Lucas made out like a bandit on that hunk of poo. I'm not at all bitter at him for it.

The moral of the story is that the first three Indiana Jones movies are way, way cooler than trying to pick up girls in public places. That's why I chose eBay for my meeting ground. One can bid...er, talk to the type of girl they want without a hint of pressure. I highly recommend it for anyone who is scared so bad they pee their pants like me when talking to strangers. I guess I never got over the fact that Blinky the Clown said it was a bad thing to do.

Friday, September 03, 2010

I Wish I Had Something to Add to This, But...

I don't. It stands by itself with no commentary from me needed. "Why me??"

Thursday, September 02, 2010

There's Wrong, and Then There's...Really Wrong

And anyone who wants to ban boobies.... well, you know where you stand.

After reading the story, even the soon-to-be-Mrs-Twisted was appalled at the political correctness of banning the "I love boobies" bracelets. I'm pretty sure this is rampage-inducing ridiculousness at its best, here. Bring back the boobies!!!

What's next, banning swing sets on playgrounds? Oh wait....

You know what it's called if your kid gets hurt on a swing set or is offended by the word boobies? LIFE.

Headline of the Day

Hey, uhh.... dude? You should probably just stay down in the hole.

Operation What?

Remember that scene in Die Hard when Alan Rickman tells the FBI that he wants several members of the "Asian Dawn Movement" freed before he will release hostages, and Alexander Gudonov acts confused about it, only to have Rickman admit he pulled it from Time Magazine?

I kind of get that feeling with the new name for operations in Iraq, and whoever it is came up with it. That's the best they could come up with? I feel sorry for the guys who now have to put that on their resume.

And don't pretend you didn't know exactly what scene I'm talking about from Die Hard,'cause I know you've seen it 58 times like I have, and still watch it when it comes on FX.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Result of Taking Discovery Channel Hostages: DRT

And what, you may ask, does DRT stand for? Dead Right There.

Is it wrong for me to giggle about this story? Should I be upset because a guy who watched Avatar and An Inconvenient Lie too many times decides that he should martyr himself for all the world to see? I'm guessing he wanted to go be with the Na'vi.

C'mon, you know you want to laugh about it. The guy wanted to rid the planet of human pollution and, well.... he did his part, at least.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I'm Back!

Well, I've been out of the blogging thing for a while, but not away from writing. You see, I've been working on a book. Yup, that's right; a whole book's worth of material from my odd perspective.

Will it sell? Will it even get published? Only time will tell, as it is in "proposal" stage right now. Hopefully I can find some publisher to take pity on me and spread my words. Hey, a guy can dream, right?

Starting now I am going to hopefully begin blogging more here and at (possibly) another site I have planned. I will update here as often as I can.