Did you know that being married is like being nibbled to death by a duck?

Monday, April 24, 2006

The Funny is MOVING

Well, it is time. Bigger and better things, I say. So for those of you that just can't get enough witty news, movie and music commentary, please come visit the new and improved Twisted Sense of Funny at the new site. I promise a good time, or your money back.

National Security

It's this easy, folks.

Ha. Funny stuff. Read the whole thing.


Blogspot is being uber-difficult this morning, so this is a test to see if I can actually, ya know, publish something.

That's ok, blogspot. Your time is coming (stay tuned for details).

I Want Some McNookie

In the never ending quest to bring you up to date, edge of your seat news, I bring you this story, via Drudge.

Billed as libido in an atomiser, PT-141 will finally offer women the chance to
turn on their sexual desire as and when they need it. Or so the science says.
But there are concerns. Will sex in a spray usher in an age of 'McNookie' -
quick easy couplings low on emotional nutrition?

It's a little bit early (in the morning, that is. Not in this story) to fully grasp the potential of "nasal spray sex," but rest assured, I will be doing a full investigation as soon as possible. Anything else would be a disservice to this site, to you, and more importantly, to the very essence of freedom itself.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Musical Tranquility For The Weekend

MasKau! Maskau! Ho ho ho ho ho!

Don't blame me for this nonsense. It's Mrs. Wakeandahalf's fault for making me link it. I swear.

Hee Hee

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Hugh Grant fought Donny Osmond? I know, it has cost me many a nights sleep too. Well rest easy. Peace of mind is only a click away.


Due to a lot of homework, and playoff hockey, I'm leaving it up to you, the reader, for the weekend discussion.

The topic outline is this: What is the biggest and most important news story facing us today? And also, what is the most overrated topic of current events?

Although annotated bibliographies will not be required for this assignment, plagiarism will not go unpunished.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Movie Review: The Sentinel

In a reversal of the norm, Hollywood decides to capitalize on a television show to make a movie. Our hero Jack Bauer makes it to the big screen in The Sentinel, a movie about a plot to assassinate the President of the United States by a mole inside the Secret Service. Oh yeah sure, his name isn't Jack Bauer in this movie, but whatever. Same thing.

Anyhoo, the movie begins with a bunch of stuff about the Secret Service doing stuff, then goes to show Jack T. Colton doing stuff, then it shows some guy killing an agent. Whoa, you can't do that, pal. It's a crime. So then some rookie girl agent shows up to Jack Bauer's office and says she is going to be his apprentice. Cool, she's pretty, so he says "ok." Her first assignment, of course, is to accompany him to investigate the aforementioned murdered agent. Jack Bauer exerts his authority smoothly over the local keystone-cops by saying a whole bunch of whiz-bang technical investigative stuff... I don't really know, I wasn't paying attention. I was waiting for him to shoot one them or say something about not having "enough time!!!" Then the pretty rookie said some stuff to show that she was worthy of the prestigious role of a Secret Service agent. I don't know what, I was waiting for her to get naked. She didn't.

The president then makes his first appearance and, what's this? It's Sledgehammer! I waited for him to pull out his gigantic handgun and start shooting stuff. He didn't.

Of course, Jack T. Colton, who's job is to protect the president's wife (played here by Vicki Vail), and his undeniable animal-like machismo find a way into the first lady's knickers. They almost showed it, but thankfully, they didn't.

After that they try to develop some sort of a "plot," but alas, they don't. You can figure out the whole thing in about the first ten minutes. They main bad guy is exactly who you think it is, and the good guys always get shot in the shoulder/side/butt (if they have a title role. Otherwise, sorry for you agent Jones, you lose). The bad guys, conversely, will die in a manor that is directly proportional to how bad they were, and how deeply involved with the conspiracy they were (if they were deep, there is always going to be the dying breath confessional).

Overall, Jack Bauer doesn't kill anywhere near enough people, or use that many high-tech gizmos. Come to think of it, not once did he reposition a satellite. What a rip-off. But it's actually somewhat entertaining. There are even a number of pretty funny parts, so it doesn't try too hard to be serious. It's a good mindless movie, I suppose.

Incidentally, I'm about sick of technical malfunctions at theaters. Theater owners wonder why numbers are dwindling, but how hard is it to get a projector that, say, projects? It's a lot to ask for, I know. At any rate, it's no mystery to me why fewer and fewer people are going to the theaters and more are just staying home and renting. The first five minutes of our movie (at UNITED ARTISTS THEATERS) the bottom half of the screen was invisible. Huh, is that normal? Weird how people from the audience actually need to tell the people working there when that happens. Heaven forbid they check it out themselves. But hey, all is made fair because I GOT A FREE PASS! Gee, how can I ever be upset after that?

Because I Link Better Than I Write

Mark Levin has a killer round-up of current events on his blog.

If you go read it, and finish it, I'll let you come back here and have desert.

F F F Friday

Friday funnies, once again, via the Brunsinator.

"The police officer *advises* the suspect to pull over." Ha.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Does it Get Any Better?

Go here and tell me the answer to the above question.

You Can Do That?

Man Offers Free Breast Exams, Finds Some Takers: Doctor Impersonator Charged With Sexual Assault - Uh oh. I had no idea that was against the law...

LAUDERDALE LAKES, Fla. -- Broward sheriff's deputies have arrested a 76-year-old
man they say was going door to door offering women free breast exams.

I like where this is going.

One 36-year-old woman said she let Winikoff into her apartment.
She [said] after he touched her breasts, he moved his hand to her
genitals. She said one she realized that Winikoff was not a real doctor and she
called the Broward Sheriff's Office.

What on earth tipped her off, I wonder? Was it when he touched her special area? Or was it the fact that he's a DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN GROPING YOUR BREASTS?!?!?

Investigators said by that time, Winikoff had already found another victim; a
33-year-old woman who lives in the same complex. That woman told deputies that
Winikoff also sexually assaulted her.

I would just like to point out the use of the word "victim" here. Let's see, you let a strange man into your house and play with your melons because he says he is a doctor, and you are a "victim." Okey dokey.

Thanks to My Pet Jawa for the story.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Tax Dollars, Hard at Work

HOMELAND SECURITY: U.S. data on LV challenged - Bah, we here in Las Vegas don't mind. We're not important.

The federal government relied on inaccurate data to help justify dropping
Las Vegas from a list of cities eligible for special anti-terrorism funding,
according to county officials who viewed the information last week.
officials said they identified at least 25 mistakes in classified U.S.
Department of Homeland Security data, including information asserting that the
Las Vegas area has no convention centers or military bases.

No convention centers or military bases. Umm, come again? Are we talking about the same Las Vegas? Perhaps they mean Las Vegas, New Mexico.

Marc Short, a spokesman for the Homeland Security Department, said the
convention centers might not have met the standards for what his agency
considers "critical infrastructure."
"There needs to be a threshold of
traffic or economic consequence or number of innocent victims that would be
affected by an incident that would qualify it to be counted as infrastructure,"
Short said.

True. Las Vegas doesn't get many business related tourism. Or do they...

John Piet, senior research analyst for the Las Vegas Convention and
Visitors Authority, said the city's convention centers are among the biggest,
busiest, and most economically important in the nation.
Last year, 6.2
million people visited the convention halls, creating an overall economic impact
of $7.6 billion, Piet said.

Huh. There is definitely some sort of discrepancy there. Not sure what, but I'm working on it.

Short said he couldn't comment about the Air Force base not being

Yeah, I don't blame him. Nellis AFB is, after all, just small time. It's not like the Air Force runs their biggest exercise outside of actual war there. Oh wait, yes they do.

It's a wonder how it is that the Department of Homeland security is able to even tie its own shoes with oversights like this one. This is the type of thing that blows conspiracy theories out of the water. Departments of the government don't even know what resources they have let alone how to manipulate them. There is a lot more in the article, if you want to be depressed about the quality with which your tax-dollars are being flushed, er, spent.

Time To Let Go

Yeah, this has been around for a while, but it's a classic. Terribly sick and wrong, but classic.

The Court Jesters

There are just so many things I find amusing on this page that I'm not quite sure where to begin.

Tom Cruise in a recent interview:

"Your cynical media colleagues cast doubt over all the good that we do by
spreading a bunch of hocus pocus about us."

No, Tom, I'm afraid you take care of all the "hocus pocus" yourself when you talk about how you are going to eat your baby's placenta.

Mary J. Blige talking about God:

"He wants me to bling. He wants me to be the hottest thing on the block. I don't
know what kind of God the rest of y'all are serving, but the God I serve says,
'Mary, you need to be the hottest thing this year, and I'm gonna make sure
you're doing that'"

I think that can be backed up by scripture. It's in one of those little known verses, somewhere towards the back...

Kevin "the human leech" Federline on his decision to become a rapper:

"I don't have a choice. It's not like I can go and do construction, start
building houses in Malibu," K-Fed told Spin magazine. "They [The media] are
forcing me to do this, and I am glad they are. I am more than happy to do it."

And we, as a people, are more than happy to laugh hysterically as you fall flat on your face doing it. Is this guy serious? He really thinks the media forced him to do this? Wow, the media is even more powerful than I thought.

Sarah Jessica Parker whining about fame:

"Sometimes on the street I get the feeling people are disappointed with me as I
don't have the answers for them," Parker told Brazil's Epoca magazine. "I have
to remind them that I don't have a Ph.D. in sex or counseling. I'm an actress."

Oh come on, Sarah. You know the real reason they are disappointed in you is because you look even more like the charcter Skeletor from He-Man in person than you do on television. I would be freaked out, too. Skeletor was all kinds of bad news.

Art 101

Sobek takes us on a wonderful journey through a brief history of art, featuring Mr. Potato Head.

In this simple sculpture, we see that the Romans adopted the Greek focus on
excellence of form, as well as the underlying potato-based mythos. This
obsession with copying everything the Greeks did has led some scholars to
describe the Romans as "history's wankers."

Classic. If you want a good laugh, check it out.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Plot Holes

I thought about doing a post on last night's episode of 24, but this guy does a way better job. Kind of long, but very funny.

Kids Are Smrt

So, today in my political science class, one of the many flavors of youth decided to chime in with some ever informative wisdom. The topic was the President's bullet points for the budget, one of which being the promotion of "social compassion" and "family values." The aforementioned expert on all things government says "That's wrong, the government can't legislate 'family values.' That's just Bush trying to push his Christian values on everyone." Ok, fair enough point. He doesn't want the government stepping in and promoting family values as he doesn't believe it is their place. Fine.
About five minutes later, the subject of welfare and poverty came up, and this same student says "It's so wrong that the government doesn't step in and do more for the poor. We're fighting a war but we can't get people jobs." Now, I'm not the smartest guy in the world, so I'm wondering if I am missing something here. In my mind (however twisted it may be), there seems to be a serious disconnect with this logic. On the one hand, the government shouldn't meddle in people's business, and on the other, it should step in and fix everything. Gotcha.

When described like this, it seems quite contrite, but the fact is, this is actually right along the lines with how a large number of people think. I am just throwing this out there in case there is someone reading who thinks that I am maybe missing something. I understand that there is a point where government involvement can go overboard (Cuba, I'm looking in your direction), and there is also a point where it can be totally absent (anyone know if Haiti is for sale on the open market, yet?). However, the middle ground is obviously something that people are only willing to go to for issues that they feel passionately about. I really admire people that feel convicted about a subject, as long as they are willing to see it through. Yet this is often not the case. More times than not, tunnel vision sets in and it becomes difficult to relate separate issue to one another (e.g. the rise of global warming and a lack of legalized prostitution. Think about it).

The overall point being (in addition to my question of me possibly missing something here), is that if I am not, then how do people miss the connection? How do people not see that the redistribution of wealth leads to complacency? Why do they not see that lack of response to threats leads to more tragedy down the road? And why, oh why, do people think that Shakespeare is relevant at all? I mean seriously, that stuff is wickedly boring and... oh, different topic.

Anyway, just a few afternoon thoughts.

The Weight Debate, Part Two

I figured that after a post with a super-model, it was an appropriate time to bring up this topic again. This time, however, I am using the words of someone else. The lovely and talented Kell decided to write a piece on this topic which proves once again that she is smarter than me. So, without further ado:

While this is a topic not many people want to talk about, there are a few out there that truly can not understand how difficult weight issues are. Mr. Twisted, while I adore him, is one of them. He and I have had a conversation about this very subject. My first point being, that if you have never walked in a fat person’s shoes, you will never understand. This commentary will most likely include a number of TMI topics, so be warned! I have several sisters who are very heavy. My parents are overweight. My twin sister was the only one that escaped the wide-ass curse. But… she worked out an insane amount, rarely remembered to eat and was constantly moving. When she ate, she could really EAT! And it didn’t bother her, a la Mr. Twisted. I think she would have been actually happy if she had been able to hold on to some weight. Me? I have had five children in the last 16 years. Each pregnancy left me heavier than the last. Two years ago, after the final one, I was tired of it. I have lost 53 pounds since then. I am still not happy with the way I look, but that is my issue to deal with. But with this family history and a personal journey, I feel like I can put in a few thoughts on whose fault this is…. It is mine. It is yours. It is theirs.

It is not the fault of Big Food America. While they have helped us along, they didn’t threaten to pull the trigger. They HAVE made “Flavorists” a 1.4 billion dollar industry. 10,000 new processed foods are released every year. But diet food is artificial and not nutritional. It is empty food. Non fat food has as many calories as most regular fat foods. Low Fat and Non Fat labels does not mean healthy. But there is a freedom to being a consumer. I don’t have to buy them. I can read the labels and find this out myself. I can shop the ring of the store and avoid the crap… (Fresh produce, dairy, and leans meats are stocked around the outside of every store. The center is the danger zone!) It isn't just a fast food nation that is to blame. 85% of the food we consume is purchased at a store.

People who blame the media? Yes, they portray unrealistic expectations of what beautiful is. But I have to decide if that is beautiful, now don’t I? I can disagree... I can say that I don’t find slim and nearly emaciated women beautiful. Interesting tidbit… The island of Fiji idolized women who were round, soft and curvy as being beautiful. Western television was introduced and within 2 1/2 years they were dealing with eating disorders. Unheard of prior to TV exposure. An average model is 5’11 and weighs 117 pounds. An average woman in the US is 5’4 and weighs 140 pounds. (Woo Hoo I am tall!) By 4th grade, 80% of girls have tried a diet. But it is still a personal choice and a parent’s responsibility.

There is a reason that the Diet Industry is worth billions. Americans spend as much on diet products as the Federal Government spends on education, every year. And that does not include athletic items, gym memberships, or fitness products. The industry preys on the vulnerability of people who don’t feel that they are good enough. Weight is an issue not just with food or lack of exercise. It has a lot to do with self esteem, feelings, depression, and is completely emotional. Not unlike drinking and drug use. It is estimated that 5-10 million women and over a million men have some sort of eating disorder. Food is a form of self torture for these people. Yet Americans are getting fatter by the day. They are sedentary and in 2005 spent 4 billion dollars on french fries and another 3 billion on potato chips. So where does that leave us?

Weight is a personal problem, not a national one. Yes, there are dealers out there (Lay’s, Ben and Jerry’s, Coca Cola, Hostess) with products that are hazardous to your health. But just like you can walk around the crack house, you can walk away from the crap. I had to be fat AND miserable enough to fix the problem. My problem. I realized that I was chaining myself to the house each time I had a child in order to breast feed them for months and months because I had read that they would be 22% less likely to have weight problems if I did. That was the revelation. I was willing to be chained to the house for them, but not to help myself. So I changed the way I eat. (Which is still not healthy enough, but I am working on it.)

Then there is exercise. Yes, it is very hard to make time. Not many people have the inclination or time to do what they “should.” But…. I have five children, eight if you add in the three adults who can’t seem to care for themselves. I take care of them all 100%- cooking, cleaning, laundry, helping with homework, etc. I am working on my Bachelor’s Degree taking one accelerated class every 5 weeks. I work 25-35 hours a week at my job. I volunteer about 10-12 hours a week between the three schools. I drive carpool and take everyone to their music practices and athletic practices and the resulting games and recitals. Plus, I am the scorekeeper for two teams and yet I find a way to do something at least every other day on average. So to those that have the ability just not the inclination yet…. Get off your ass

By Kell (aka "the one who keeps me sane").

How The West Was, Uhh...

A video depicting the sheer brutality of the wild west. I can't even imagine...

Monday, April 17, 2006

A Birthday Bigger Than All of Us.

Bikini Celebrates 60th Birthday - And this isn't a national holiday because... why, exactly?

Thanks again to official Twisted Sense of Funny spokesmodel Marisa Miller who, if she keeps up good work like this for the site, I might have to give a raise.

Hanoi Jane Takes More Oxygen.

Jane Fonda Declines War Protests - She's probably busy having some cosmetic surgery or something important like that.

Jane Fonda says she would like to tour the country and speak out against U.S.
involvement in Iraq, but her controversial history of Vietnam War protests
leaves her with "too much baggage."

That and a complete lack of relevance to anything. Funny how "giving aid to Communists" gets equated with "too much baggage" in her mind.

"I wanted to do a tour like I did during the Vietnam War, a tour of the
country," the Oscar-winning actress said Monday on ABC's "Good Morning America."
"But then Cindy Sheehan filled in the gap, and she is better at this than I am.
I carry too much baggage."
Sheehan, whose soldier son, Casey, died in Iraq in 2004, has become a
leading anti-war figure.

Do "a tour" as if she was with the USO or something. I wonder how Islamic radicals would treat a woman like Jane. Hmm, maybe she should go... And I get a huge kick out of the fact that whenever you see Sheehan's name mentioned, it's always with a title like "leading anti-war figure." They conveniently leave out the parts like "mother of a guy who volunteered twice for the Army," or "crazy woman who's husband divorced her because she was an embarrassment to the memory of their son." Weird how that stuff gets glossed over.

The Internet Is My Friend

Why? Because of videos like this one.

I think I'm going to start watching a lot more Mexican television.

Even I Can Be Right Sometimes. Seriously.

No Hint Seen in Memo that Plame's Role Was Secret. Huh. Funniest thing, I said this back in February.

Hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day...

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Weekend Link Mecca

Once again, I strive to bring it all in a condensed, economically sized package for your viewing pleasure. Check this post over the weekend, as I will just add too it if I find something relevant.

The Funny:
A spot on article about how "Everything I Need To Know I've Learned From Iron Maiden." Good stuff, but if you are not familiar with the band, then most of it won't make much sense.

A pretty funny clip here about ending women's suffrage. Why can't we stop it?!?!? (Thanks to Muse for the link.)

The Weird:
Lawmaker sends nude appreciation email. Classy.

Picasso Bought At Costco Might Be A Fake. Ya think?

The Serious:
Link the links. Opinion Journal's best of the web has a number of interesting reads for the weekend.

Iran issues stark military warning to United States. This could get ugly.

The Beautiful:
A very cool picture of a picture of Paris (turn down your speakers).

Friday, April 14, 2006

Stealing From Dave. Again.

Seriously, I didn't know he had already done the ninja/pirate post yesterday until I saw it on his blog this morning. Oh well. Mine's still funnier.

That being said, I got this link from Garfield Ridge this morning that is absolutely outstanding stuff regarding the recent criticism about SecDef. Donald Rumsfeld. Read it all if you have the time. And if you have even more time, read the comment section following this guy's post. A couple of interesting arguments brought up by a few of the readers. I still side with the guy who wrote the post. My only contention is that he could have actually gone further with his point. Rumsfeld, like him or hate him, has been the first SecDef to put this much emphasis on special operations forces, as that is the nature of the war we are currently engaged in. Certain Generals just refuse to see that, as they want to cling to the "old school" mentality of charging up every hill they see with loads and loads of troops.

Incidentally, I didn't realize that MG Paul Eaton was one of the guys with so much criticism of Rumsfeld. He was commander of Ft. Benning for much of the time that I was there, and his son was even involved in one of the biggest controversies of recent Ranger School history at that time. I could see both sides of the issue when it happened, but it was interesting to see how fast things change when the one doing the complaining has a powerful daddy.

Update: Victor Davis Hanson, once again, says a whole bunch of stuff that makes a heap o' sense on this very topic. Why does one man get all the smarts? It's not fair, I tell you.

Yippy Skippy. It's Friday

No time for blogging. Must. Finish. Homework. However, Friday Funnies are once again refreshed for your viewing pleasure. If you don't think obesity is a problem in this country, watch "Topless Carwash" and then tell me that.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Ninjas are a Serious Problem

ATF rids University of ninja threat - Hey, c'mon guys, you know as well as I do that ninjas are, like, the third leading cause of death among, well, living people. Right behind corporations and Ford Pintos.

ATF agents are always on alert for anything suspicious — including

Jeremiah Ransom, a sophomore from Macon, was leaving a Wesley Foundation
pirate vs. ninja event when he was detained.

A pirate vs. ninja event?!?! And how, may I ask, might one be invited to an event of such grandiose display of utter coolness? Man, I gotta tell you, those guys must be hard core. Way more so than those stupid Dungeons & Dragons weenies. That stuff is so totally fake compared to ninjas. And Pirates!

To be honest, the story kind of falls apart after that last quote. But then again, how could it not? Let's face it, it's pretty hard to top ninjas. And Pirates!

Sign of the End

After receiving this image from the most powerful woman on earth (aka "Mom"), I can ascertain one thing above all else: That there is a massive invasion of our land taking place not by Islamo-fascists, but by an overwhelming force of well organized dolphins. Does anyone know if Aqua Man was ever part of al Qaeda? Does the Patriot Act cover this? And if you are still sitting in your chair reading this, it's most likely too late. Take as many of them out as you can before they take you. The rest of us are depending on you.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Tell it. Then Tell it Again.

There's just no way that people could hear stories like this enough times. I tip my hat to SFC Wilson for her service, and commend her on her bravery.

Scientists are Liars. Unless They Agree With Me.

Ha. Interesting piece here by a professor of atmospheric studies at MIT about global warming and the overblown hysteria that goes along with the topic, and how scientists that have a difference of opinion are essentially silenced by their colleagues.

In fact, those who make the most outlandish claims of alarm are actually
demonstrating skepticism of the very science they say supports them. It isn't
just that the alarmists are trumpeting model results that we know must be wrong.
It is that they are trumpeting catastrophes that couldn't happen even if the
models were right as justifying costly policies to try to prevent global

If you haven't read Michael Crichton's book State of Fear, he does an excellent job of bringing up some of these same arguments. Yeah, the book is hokey action/drama from a plot perspective, but he certainly did his research enough to make some educated criticism regarding the issues of global warming.

I, for one, am shocked - SHOCKED - at the implication that some scientists might have an "agenda" which is influenced by crazy things like "funding." It's an idea so preposterous that I don't even want to accept it.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I'm a Little Worried

Up until I saw this, I thought that the U.S. had the toughest, most well trained soldiers in the world. Obviously, I was wrong.

Here's to hoping that we can find some way, any way, to defeat a foe with such formidable skill.

The Gospel of Judas

Pretty interesting story that I meant to do a post on last Friday and completely forgot (I was busy auditioning for the up-coming Baywatch movie). And now it would appear that Sobek beat me to it.

His post brings up some interesting questions about the exclusivity of the Holy Bible's content, whether or not other texts should be included, and why or why not. I think it's pretty fascinating, but I'm not sold on the historical accuracy of it just because "they" say so. I will be curious to see where this goes.

There Should be a Tax on the Stupid

DEA Agent Who Shot Self In Foot Sues U.S. - If you haven't already seen the video clip of this, it's classic.

APRIL 11--A Drug Enforcement Administration agent who stars in a popular
online video that shows him shooting himself in the foot during a weapons
demonstration for Florida children is suing over the tape's release, claiming
that his career has been crippled and he's become a laughingstock due to the
embarrassing clip's distribution.

Yeah, I hate to break it to you pal, but you should be a laughing stock. If this wasn't so funny, I would actually be pretty mad about it. The fact is, he had an accidental discharge in a room full of school children, and he's the one upset because he can't give educational presentations anymore. I'm about fed up with people who make mistakes but get bent out of shape because of the consequences. Whatever, still a funny video. I'm just glad no kids were hurt. Won't someone pleeeaaase think of the children?!?!?

In the Pantheon of Brutal Contact Sports...

... You've got hockey, football, cage-fighting, and now... BINGO! Oh, don't fool yourself, bingo players are no joke. Via Drudge:

Police Hunt 4 Women In Beating Death Of Bingo Winner - I had no idea it was such a dangerous sport. Count. Me. In. And I want to get in before they institute all kinds of rules making it "safer." That way, when I'm older, I can recount the good ol' days when bingo used to be hard.

Monday, April 10, 2006

DVD Review: Good Night, and Good Luck

As this is a "political issue" movie, I am going to break this review into two parts. First, the review of the movie itself, then a look at how it presents the issue, and how factual it is (as I see it, through the wondrous power of research, at least).

The movie: First, let me say that for as much crap as I have talked about George Clooney in the past, the man knows how to make a quality movie. He knows how to create a mood, and cast the right people for each role. The production value of Good Night, and Good Luck is pretty amazing. There are great pains taken to set the mood of that era, from the movie itself being in black and white to everyone smoking all the time. Seeing as how I didn't live in that era, I can't vouch for how realistically it is portrayed in the film, but I can say that it did a great job of making me feel like it was the 1950's. Another plus to the movie is the length. I am getting a little sick of every single movie that comes out needing to take two and a half hours to prove that it doesn't really have a point. This one did it in 91 minutes. A bit of a refreshing change, if you ask me.

Overall, a very well done movie in a "quality" sense.

Now, the issue (this may get a little long, so feel free to skip over this): I admit wholeheartedly, that a year ago I knew next to nothing about the topic of "McCarthyism" and the "Red Scare." Since then, however, I have become very interested in it and tried to educate myself on the topic. This, it seems, is WAY too much to ask of George Clooney, as he apparently believes that Edward R. Murrow was single handedly responsible for saving the First amendment. Granted, I knew it would be one sided when I rented it. If I didn't, I could only fault myself. But the abuse of history taken by this film is of great interest to me. Why? Because it truly seems as if Clooney looks at this topic as if he is doing the world a great service by uncovering a story that no one ever thought to tell. Which is exactly how he portrays Murrow - as a lone crusader in a fight to expose evil where no one else has the courage to do so.

This brings up the question of how important of a role did Murrow actually play in the McCarthy scandal. From a great review on Slate, Jack Shafer uses the words of some who were involved:

The McCarthy program "came very late in the day," said one of Murrow's brightest
"boys," Eric Sevareid, in a January 1978 broadcast. "The youngsters read back
and they think only one person in broadcasting and the press stood up to
McCarthy," Sevareid said, "and this has made a lot of people feel very upset,
including me, because that program came awfully late." Sevareid named Elmer
Davis and Martin Agronsky as two broadcasters who had taken on McCarthy long
before Murrow.

According to Clooney's telling of the story, the world would be cold, dark place without the saving grace of Murrow. There are a number of scenes where there is almost a sort of divine light cast on the man, and a quiet awe that follows him.

The overall theme of the movie seems to be to address the abuse of power in government and the attempts to censor the media due to massive paranoia. Obviously, the makers of the movie are trying to draw parallels to today's political climate. But before you can make a comparison based on history, you have to have the historical account correct. In the case of Good Night, and Good Luck, it's not so much that they get history "wrong" so much as they just leave most of it out all together, and spice up a few parts that were mostly inconsequential.

A look at a few of the facts left out of the story:
1)Sen. Joe McCarthy was a raging alcoholic at the time, and got way out of hand. Of this there is little doubt. What the film doesn't show, however, is that there were several people in the journalism community who were pointing these things out long before Murrow. Why does Clooney imply that Murrow was such a lone crusader?
2)Murrow was not exactly a wonder of journalistic integrity. He spent most of his time interviewing celebrities. From part two of Shafer's review,

"If we're going to praise Murrow for producing fearless TV news, we should also
be ready to damn him for paving the way for Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey, and
all the celebrity bootlickers on red carpets."

3)The communist spy threat was very real. In the book The Venona Secrets, the unclassified details of the Venona project are brought to light and show just how far up into the United States government Moscow successfully reached with the likes of people like Alger Hiss, the Rosenbergs, Klaus Fuchs, et al. From Venona:

Fact: Venona has shown conclusively that the highest-level American
government official working for Soviet intelligence was Harry Hopkins, the close
friend of President Roosevelt.

Fact: Atomic scientist J. Robert Oppenheimer performed work on behalf of
the Soviet Union.

Fact: [most pertinent to the movie] The Left liked to use one of the right
wing's favorite complaints as evidence of its inanity - its belief that American
journalists, including some of the best known, had ben deliberately enlisted in
the Soviet cause. The Venona documents leave no room for doubt that this was
exactly the case...

Now, to me at least, that actually makes for better drama than a battle of words between a television show host and a drunk Senator who, by the account of the aforementioned book, really was quite irrelevant in the anti-Communist movement. Yet, that doesn't do much to paint the picture that Clooney wants - a stab at the big, evil government supposedly controlling the media by manipulating and using it to take away the freedoms of the people by way of scare tactics. And that's the gist of the movie. That if we don't look to our saviors (those fearless heroes in movies and television), freedom will be gone forever. It's quite the ego stroke for journalism, and media in general.

I could write a whole lot more (as if to say that you are all still reading by now), but there are two articles that are must reads on this subject that I need to link because they offer up a far more educated point of view than I do. The first is by William F. Buckley jr. He is actually part of the movie (albeit he is just mentioned by name), so it's very interesting from that perspective, and a short article. The second is Jonah Goldberg in classic form. Kind of a weird sense of humor, but very, very well written. As they say, read it all.

What a Stretch

Report: Simpson to Play Anderson's Part in 'Baywatch' Movie - And kudos to her, I say. Those are no small bra-straps to fill.

The actress has landed the key role in the Hollywood remake of the 1990s TV
show "Baywatch."

And it's about time, in my humble opinion, that Hollywood starts focusing it's attention on quality entertainment like this. I've been lobbying for a CHiP's or an A-Team movie for years, but this is certainly a step in the right direction.

Jessica, 25, will play a heroic lifeguard on Venice Beach, Calif. — and may even
copy the slow-motion running that made fellas such a fan of 38-year-old Pammi in
the Saturday evening show.

You don't just learn the ability it takes to run in slow motion. That's like some sort of natural gift, man. I smell Academy award written all over this one.

Producers hope David Hasselhoff, 53, who played Lt Mitch Buchannon, will
join the cast now Jessica is on board.

Hope? HOPE?!?! I'm sorry, but if Mitch Baywatch is not involved, it will completely lose most, if not all, the credibility that this franchise has earned through years and years of trend-setting quality entertainment. We're not talking about some run-of-the-mill show here, this is delicate stuff.

Ha. Thanks to the ever-wise to the Wake-Woman (cousin to the invisible jet-flying super hero) for the uber-awesome link. We can all sleep better knowing that they found a suitable replacement for one of TV's most beloved characters.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

An Old Standby

When there is nothing else funny to say, you can always go to the Onion.

"Girls Gone Wild Released Back Into Civilization."

Despite the girls' early positive response, Ottley said that there is still a
risk that they could revert to their wild state, so she continued to severely
restrict their exposure to the outside world. "Any proximity to a D - list
celebrity, a song by Poison, or a neon beer bong could set reintegration back to
square one," Ottley said.

Ha. Classic.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Cheesiest. Fight. Scene. Ever.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a winner.

Wow. That is... really... something.

Army Lite

When you all get a moment, take a few minutes and head over to Foxnews.com and check out their "free video" section. More specifically, the one entitled "Boot Camp Lite." Even more specifically than that, check out CSM Mapuoletuu (first interview) and if you could, do me a huge favor and come back here and tell me just exactly what in the hell that is. The name says "Melanie" so my best guess is that it's a woman, but...

The subject of a "kinder gentler" basic training was set to be the topic of this post, but that.... person, just kind of weirded me out.

While you're there, check out this story and tell me why someone is "innocent" just because they're crazy. They still committed the crime.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Friday Again

Friday funnies are up once again at Greg Bruns's site.

If you only have time for one or two, the "Biathlon" and the "Horror" are both classic (incidentally, the "Ghost Rider" one is about five minutes of nothing but a guy on a crotch-rocket going really fast in and out of traffic. Not really my thing, but you may enjoy that).

Busy day, but try to check back later tonight and on the weekend, as we will be bringing the funny in heavy dosage.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Music Appreciation

As most music lists discuss “most influential” or “best” this or that, we decided to take a different look at music history.
In this first co-blogging effort in the history of Twisted Sense of Funny (which pre-dates some civilizations), el Jeffe and I, Mr. Twisted, will be discussing which artists in the history of music have done the most to discredit their own genre.

Mr. Twisted: el Jeffe, I would have to say that the first artists who come to mind in this category would be Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. Country music was happily trucking along with the likes of Shania Twain, Alan Jackson, and Garth “are you going to eat that last bear-claw” Brooks eating up the charts, when Tim and Faith began making googly eyes at each other and effectively forcing the vast majority of country music fans to throw up in their mouths, just a little. Your thoughts?

El Jeffe: Well put, Twisted. For myself, choosing the first victim was a daunting task. Until I remembered Limp Bizkit. Through the first three studio albums (which is as far as I paid attention) the band used one, and only one, songwriting formula (45 times!!!). Not to mention front-man Fred "King of the Invertebrates" Durst. His whining/singing style is reminiscent of a 3 year old who scraped his knee. Granted, the band doomed themselves from the start by choosing the rap-metal genre. Not much to discredit there. But for rock music, as a whole, the irritating rash left behind by the Limp Bizkit disease will never fully heal.

Mr. Twisted: Indeed, that is quite a lump on the head of rock music they left behind. Even more remarkable is that they managed to ruin not one, but two genres with the epidemic like spreading of the red baseball cap and wife-beater shirts. The fashion world may have actually taken more of a beating due to that wonderful trend.

el Jeffe: Many wardrobes received serious overhauls, inspired by the fear of "Bizkit association". Unfortunately so, as wife beaters and red hats used to be perfectly acceptable items of clothing. The distinction here is that if you put a Tim or Faith video on mute, they become acceptable musicians. No such luck with Durst & co. But is the blame to fall at the feet of these miscreants, or should we turn our indignation towards the saps who gladly pay money for said slop?

Mr. Twisted: I fault the artists. No question about it. We need look no further than the ever disappointing turn of events occurring within the downward spiral of Metallica to prove this point: By taking what was once an aggression and energy-filled musical juggernaut and turning it into the equivalent of a Friday evening at Furrs Cafeteria, they proved that a band can completely change it’s direction without the fans really even knowing what happened. I think it actually took about 6 or 7 years for most of them to catch on.

el Jeffe: I had to compose myself after the Metallica bashing. While I can't argue the validity of those statements, that doesn't make them hurt any less. I think their downfall arose from a compulsion to stay together when time apart and experimental side projects would have provided healthy outlets. Which brings to mind the aforementioned Garth "Hungry Hungry Hippo" Brooks. He chose to dress as a metro-sexual, assume the alias of Chris Gaines, and, if memory serves, still play country music (albeit songs Kris Kristofferson wouldn't use for toilet tissue). Now THAT is definitely an instance where I would blame the artist, and at the same time, provides a terrible example for backing up my Metallica theory. However, in the case of Barbara Streisand, I feel that if she was ignored, she would go away and leave us alone. Record labels won't pay for albums that they know won't sell. So now the fans are responsible.

Mr. Twisted: Touché. But bringing up Barbara Streisand while talking about Metallica is kind of like thinking about your grandparents having sex. While it may happen, the majority of the world just doesn’t want to know about it.

el Jeffe: Gross. Please accept my profusest (I just invented that word) apologies. I just wanted to show off my well-rounded knowledge for all the ladies out there in Blogland.

Mr. Twisted: Apology accepted. And kudos to you on the word invention. But trust me, you will be beating the women off with a rolled up copy of Cosmo when they hear about your masters degree in knowledgeismology. No need to try and impress, the work says it all, man.

I think that we have sufficiently beaten this subject to death (there was a subject???), and scarred the minds of many with images of Fred Durst, Barbara Streisand, and old people making with the naked. As such, we shall adjourn to our “wisdom chamber” to hatch a new scheme for our next co-blogging effort.

Until then…

Always off-center;
El Jeffe & Mr. Twisted.

John Adolfi: Visionary or Just Whacked Out?

So, apparently a (sadly deceased) cyclops kitten belongs in the Lost World Museum. Does this place sound like a post-mortem circus sideshow attraction to anyone else? If someone sees the connection between creationism and having a "museum" of oddities, I would really appreciate some enlightenment.

"We didn't want Cy becoming a joke or part of a personal collection," Traci Allen said. "But John was so heartfelt, you could tell he was genuine and sincere."

Well, it looks like you made the right choice, ma'am. I guess burying or cremating the kitten would have prevented you from turning a profit. For details on the disorder that caused the kitten's uniqueness, go here. Good spelling bee word, holoprosencephaly.

Talking Heads

Jonah Goldberg takes an interesting look at the whole Katie Couric/CBS News thing.

Consider how the respected television analyst Andrew Tyndall defines the job of
news anchor. The job has two parts, he told the Washington Post. First, they
have to read the TelePrompTer. The second part involves "sitting behind the desk
when there's a crisis."

I hate to criticize something I've never done, but at the same time, I've wondered this very same thing for years. How hard could it really be?

Consider Barbara Walters. In the '70s and '80s, it was drummed into us that she
was the Susan B. Anthony of American journalism. Even today, whenever her bona
fides as a serious journalist are questioned, she gets her hackles up and plays
the angered feminist. Then she returns to asking Hollywood movie stars what kind
of tree they would be if they could be a tree and hosting that paragon of Cafe
Vienna Moment journalism, The View.

Ha. That's good stuff. Read the whole thing, it isn't very long.

Random Survey

From Jason's blog -
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? I'm White???
2. When is the next time you will have sex? Is that the whole "procreation" thing? I've heard of that...
3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR"? Is this one of those questions where at the end of it, no matter what I say, I end up getting fired?
4. Favorite planet? Is Taco Bell a planet?
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile? The President. I swear he *never* stops calling...
6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? The one that tells me how cool I am.
7. What shirt are you wearing? One that says "Hey Bush, get out of mine." Wait, what? That's a girls shirt? Huh...
8. Do you "label" yourself? Does "Professor Emeritus of Crapology" count?
9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing? Tire tread from a '46 Willy's Jeep. Or "Viet Cong Air's" as they are called.
10. Bright or Dark Room? Padded.
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? He's got a lot of ability for a boy his size.
12. If you're alone in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep on? Two beds? What am I, a millionaire?
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Repositioning the coat hangers on my ceiling to deflect the satellite imagery focused on my room.
14. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say? "POTUS is en route to your location, needs advice on..." The rest is classified.
5. Where is your letter box? I don't put letters in boxes. I use them to spell *words*. Duh.
16. What's a word that you say a lot? Is "Like, ya know" considered one word?
17.Who told you he/she loved you last? The mailman, which, to be quite honest, worries me a little.
18. Last furry thing you touched? Same answer as previous question. Is that normal?
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? Is "deep fried" a drug?
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? My *staff* takes care of menial tasks like that.
21. Favorite age you have been so far? Most of the '90's is a bit of a blur, so...
22. Your worst enemy? That darn kid who's bigger than me who NEVER picks me for dodgeball and then laughs at me for wearing a helmet all the time. He's just jealous.
23. What is your current desk top picture? As if to say that David Cassidy isn't *always* on my desktop.
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? I know you threw that in the trash can, but are you done with it?
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you take? This would imply that I don't already posses both... whoops, I may have said too much.
26. Do you like someone? That girl who punches me all the time in English class. But when I tried to talk to her, I threw up on her shirt. I think that's bad.
27. The last song you listened to? David Hasselhof's wicked rendition of "Hooked on a Feeling." Just doesn't get much better than that.
28. If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, would you jump in front of the bullet? You don't mean like *real* bullets, do you? Cause those can hurt...
29. If you could punch 1 person in the face who's in your life right now, who would it be? That guy who holds up the stop sign for kids to cross the street. I don't like the cut of his jib one bit.
30. What is the closest object to your left foot? My helper monkey, who is currently awaiting his next command while getting tanked on spiced rum and Belgian waffles. Worthless piece of...

The Weight Debate

This has been a prevailing topic in a few of my classes this semester, even more so than the War on Terror, believe it or not. On the one hand, you have people that blame "Big Food" and say that it's the fault of "corporate evil" like McDonald's and Burger King that make people get fat, and that we live in a society where people don't have time or money to eat anything else. On the other, you have those who say that it's the fault of parents for not forcing their children to exercise or do anything but sit around the house and play video games (those damn video games! They're of the devil, I tell you!!!).

I am torn, not because of the two sides I describe above, but because I was lucky enough to be blessed with a metabolism that would allow me to sit on the couch all day and eat nothing but Funyions and Ho-Ho's and still never get fat. Ergo, it is hard for me to argue against someone who doesn't have that ability, as no matter how much I try to see it from their point of view, quite frankly I never fully will.

That being said, my personal view revolves more around the subject of exercise (or more importantly, the lack thereof), as opposed to an improper diet. This is another debate in and of itself, as many feel that they just don't have enough time for it. I have my own views on that, as well, but I would like to hear different opinions on this subject. Because, ya know, I care. Ha.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Bad Movies

Here's a pretty cool list of the 100 worst movies of all time. I'm too tired to add any commentary right now, but I'll try and do that tomorrow. I will say, however, that while I'm pleased to see Battlefield Earth made in on the list, I'm more than slightly disappointed that they felt the need to include the classic and awe inspiring Gymkata. Dude, he was a martial arts expert. And a gymnast!

Monday, April 03, 2006

Up in the Air

I have mixed feelings about this. While I would have been jumping for joy over a movie version of The Simpsons about five or six years ago, they have lost a little of their luster for me. We shall see.

Sex Is Bad, MmmKay

Erotic thrillers lose steam at box office - Apparently, no one is in the mood to see Sharon Stone get naked anymore.

Paul Verhoeven, director of the first "Basic Instinct" (which scored $353
million worldwide) as well as the widely ridiculed "Showgirls" (now regarded as
something of a camp classic), attributes the genre's demise to the current
American political climate.

Oh for the love of... Is he serious? Yes, let's blame the downfall of "erotic thrillers" on politics. Let's not blame it on the fact that we've seen all this before, and it's not, what's the word I'm looking for... original.

"Anything that is erotic has been banned in the United States," said the Dutch
native. "Look at the people at the top (of the government). We are living under
a government that is constantly hammering out Christian values. And Christianity
and sex have never been good friends."

Uhh, yeah. I'm at a loss for words, too.

"We're in a big puritanical mode," he said. "Now, it's like the McCarthy era,
except it's not 'Are you a communist?' but 'Have you ever put sex in a movie?'"

Well that I can agree with. If there is one thing that pops into my mind when I see an erotic thriller it is "this will kill more people than communism." Is it a coincidence that Stone and Stalin both start with the same letters? I think not. It's obvious that these movies are doing poorly for one reason and one reason only - massive fear.

Seriously, I can't even keep writing about this without laughing. These poor Hollywood schmucks actually fail to see that the reason these movies do so poorly is because they suck. Pornography is a multi-billion dollar a year industry, but these guys are firmly convinced that their movies aren't doing well because "eroticism" is an enemy of the state. Gotcha.

The only question is, what genre will be the next victim of the Bush administration? Horror? Action? One can only hope that it's the Romantic Comedy...

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Weekend Link-Bonanza

Lack of posting, I know... I'm a horrible person, blah blah blah...

Due to a lack of inspiration lately, I just haven't been able to come up with anything witty to say. So instead, I'll offer a few links:

On the funny side - Spider-Man Reviews Crayons, then a commentary on Real Life vs. The Internet by a couple of HALO characters. Both good stuff (a few bad words, so be aware of that).

On the serious side - Over at Michelle Malkin's site, Allahpundit is guest-blogging and absolutely going crazy with commentary (and he links about a gazillion different articles. Which is a lot, if you really think about it). The guy is on fire. An interesting article about the ACLU's Hypocritical Approach to Church and State is worth looking at. And of course, you can't have a group of links without an article by Victor Davis Hanson. Well worth a read.

On the weird side - I read this a while back, but just came across it again: L. Ron Hubbard jr's interview with Penthouse magazine in 1983. Pretty interesting, if you want to know just how much of a scam Scientology is, via Jen at Demure Thoughts.

On the Iraq side - I've been meaning to add a link to this guy's site for a while, but have just been lazy. If you have never read any Michael Yon, do yourself a favor and check it out. By far and away the best front-line reporting out there, as he is an ex-soldier who actually reports from the front lines (instead of a hotel balcony). Add on top of that, he's a great writer. Very insightful.

I'll try to get back to original thought in the near future, but check back, as I may be adding more to this thread later.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Wise Words

When you don't have anything interesting to say, point out those who do.

Peggy Noonan has a must read piece about patriotism, immigration, and why this is a great country that proves once again how far I have to go with my writing ability. Read it all.

Un-suprising Double Standard

Borders, Waldenbooks Won't Carry Magazine -

Borders and Waldenbooks stores will not stock the April-May issue of Free
Inquiry magazine because it contains cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad that
provoked deadly protests among Muslims in several countries.

Anyone want to take bets on me walking into either one of those stores and finding countless mockeries of Christianity and Judaism? Oh, I forgot, that's "ok" and "politically correct." What a bunch of crap.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Those Poor Souls

Now, normally I avoid making a mockery of real problems. I understand it's a fine line between laughable and personally offensive, and I try to steer clear altogether.

The preceeding disclaimer is a CYA for this particular post. A new "problem" has been brought to light, and honestly, I'm having trouble taking it seriously. If your downtime is so meaningless that work dominates your life, it shouldn't be that hard to remedy. Here are some helpful suggestions: start a family, take up building ships in bottles, try drinking Irish whiskey for a hobby. Otherwise, I'll fix you up with a one step plan. I regularly host "Pimp Hand" meetings, and aside from the red handprint on your cheek, they're harmless. Not to mention faster than some sissy 12 step plan. 12 Steps!!!!!! Is anyone else struggling with this yet?!?

Sorry, I let myself get a little out of hand there. It's just that, as long as crack babies are being born and men and women are dying in foreign lands to defend our freedom; taking Workaholism seriously is just asking too much of me. Please accept my apologies if I've overstepped my bounds. Remember to direct all class action suits towards Mr Twisted. Not me.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I've Used That Defense. So What?

'Shania Twain' defense works in drunk driver's favour - This should be good:

One of the most notorious drunk drivers in the Ottawa area has been found not
criminally responsible on his latest impaired driving charges because of a
mental disorder that makes him believe female celebrities are controlling his

What are they talking aboot, eh? That's a mental disorder?

The 33-year-old man told psychiatrists that he knew the legal repercussions
of his actions, but believed singer Shania Twain was helping him drive.

Shania has "helped" me do a lot of things. Oh boy, has she... Wait, what were we talking aboot, eh? Oh yeah, the story.

On Monday, the judge drew on several psychiatric assessments in ruling that
Brownlee was not criminally responsible for his actions because he suffers from
delusions that celebrities such as Twain are communicating with him

She's been trying to get into my head for years, man. I know your pain. I truly do.

Seriously, isn't it just so cool that a guy like this is not only out driving around, but gets away with wreaking havoc because he's crazy? Let that be a lesson to you all; if you get a traffic ticket, use the "Shania Twain defense." It's way more effective than the "Chewbacca defense" popularized by South Park. Plus, she's way better looking.

I'm Failing To See The Problem

Heart Disease Charity Exec Embezzled $237K To Pay Dominatrix - So, is he going to get some kind of award or something?

NEW YORK -- A charity foundation's former accountant, accused of embezzling
heart disease research funds to pay an Ohio dominatrix to beat him, pleaded
guilty Tuesday to grand larceny and admitted that he stole more than

Well, in his defense, those Ohio dominatrixi (plural, right?) are legendary. Or so I've heard. What Hollywood is to movies, Ohio is to dominatrixing (look it up. Not in a dictionary, you fools! Online! It's there. Just check).

Lady Sage's Web site features numerous photographs of the 43-year-old pain
professional in a leather, metal-studded thong and bra, high-heeled lace-up
boots, a leather dress and in what appears to be a red latex rubber evening

Now that you are all back from Lady Sages website, we shall continue with the story...

Lady Sage says on her Web site she charges $250 an hour for her services and
$1,500 for eight hours. She says the client pays her expenses if she has to
travel for a meet-and-beat session.

And she looks like such a nice lady. Or so I've been told. By those who went to her website. Which I certainly didn't. Nor would I. Ever.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Cutting Edge

Ex-Village People singer faces jail sentence - In this blog's never ending quest to bring you all the most up-to-date music industry info, I stumbled across this sad bit of news.

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - The singer who dressed as a policeman in the
flamboyant late 1970s disco band "Village People" has been arrested after
disappearing while drug and gun charges against him were pending, officials said
on Monday.

On behalf of Twisted Sense of Funny, allow me to be the first to display my absolute shock at this news. This will be one of those moments we all look back on and remember where we were when the news was broken to us that the policeman from the Village People was.... a criminal.

Easily remembered for their outlandish costumes including a construction worker,
a policeman, a cowboy and a leather-clad biker, the Village People were one of
the best known bands of the disco era. Their song "YMCA" is also a favourite gay

Whoa whoa whoa, hold the flippin' phone... What kind of racist crap is Reuters trying to pull here?!?! Kind of funny that the one guy they forget to mention was THE INDIAN! Not like you can't remember him! For cryin' out loud here, he was the best one!!!

I'm sorry, it's just that this story has me a little emotional, that's all. Talk amongst yourselves. I'll be jamming out to "YMCA" for the remainder of the evening, remembering when things seemed so simple...

Actors Have Issues (part 3,476)

Sean Penn Has Torture Doll - Oh, so he calls it "torture" does he?

[Penn] has a plastic doll of conservative US columnist ANN COULTER that he
likes to abuse when angry.

The term "abuse" when used in this context can have sooooo many different meanings. *I* may not know what they are, but I know all of you do. Sinners.

Seriously, if you had something like that, why would you admit it? To anyone?? I think that is much more self-incriminating than anything else. Unless you think it's healthy to beat up on Barbie. Which opens up possibilities that I refuse to discuss outside of my padded room.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Funny, in a Ha Ha Sort of Way

I'm not huge on impersonations, but Frank Caliendo is pretty dang funny. Check out this compilation clip of his stand up routine. Good stuff.

And here is a clip of none other than Chuck Norris himself reading off some facts about himself.

Camp Saddam

Camp Saddam: What we've learned about Iraq's terrorist training camps. - Great article from the Weekly Standard on Iraq's connection to terrorism, and more specifically, to al Qaeda.

I could do block quotes and comment on the article, but I would end up doing the whole thing. If you have the time, read it all. If you finish it, then you can have your desert.

Hat tip to good men at Powerline. If you haven't checked out their site, do yourself a favor and give it a read.

Friday, March 24, 2006

News Makes Funny All By Itself

Libya's Gaddafi lectures U.S. on democracy - I know, I had to read that headline about three or four times as well.

He touted Libya's political system as superior to "farcical" and "fake
parliamentary and representative democracies in the West."

If by "superior" he means "worse in every possible humanitarian way" then I totally agree with him. 100%.

Libya's Jamahiriyah system, under which Libyans can air their views at
"people's congresses," is genuine democracy, said Gaddafi, who spoke through a
translator and was dressed in purple robes and seated at a desk in front of a
map of Africa. He ate a live puppy with a fork and spoon and said
"plus, we can do this. So we've got that going for us as well."

Ok, so maybe I put that last quote in there. But I'm pretty sure it happened.

Gaddafi said Libya's new openness would not lead Libyans to covet what they do
not have -- on the contrary, he said, the rest of the world would soon be
emulating Libya.
"Countries like the United States, India, China, the Russian
Federation, are in bad need of this Jamahiriyah system," he said. "This is a
savior to them."
Yes. Yes I am seeing your point, and I am in complete agreement with you. Now, just lie down and drink more of your special blue Kool-Aid and everything will be juuust fine. What a loon.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Friday Funnies

Greg Bruns once again treats us to some video goodness.

For all the shooters out there, take special note of the video titled "Shooting Reeeeaaaaaallllyyyy Fast." I have been looking for this footage for a while. Jerry Miculek is absolutely phenomenal. I shot against him back in 1995 at the SOF 3-gun match, and I was in awe just watching him (and yes, I got smoked). The man is so far above the level of even good shooters that it's out of hand. Humble guy, too. At any rate, this is a video of him setting a few records.

Classy Broad

TEACHER SENTENCED: Had Sex With 4 Students - Stop. Don't go to the link yet. First, I want you to get a mental picture of a female teacher that multiple male students would have sex with. Was there a teacher in your past that all the boys went ga-ga over? Think of her. Got it? Good. Now go click on the link and have the same reaction I did. Go ahead, do it.

She tried tp convince the court her bizarre behavior was linked to taking
Prozac and diet pills and that she was a candidate for probation or home

Prozac and diet pills, eh? Sure, I can see where that would make you do that. Oh wait, she was on prozac and diet pills... Doesn't do much to explain the boys' behavior, though.

One victim's parent said Woods turned her son into a drinking, drug using
somebody she doesn't know.

Ignoring for a moment the poor sentence structure of that quote, I don't blame the kid. I would turn to drugs and drinking, too. Yikes.

Pure Gold

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the genius of South Park is unrivaled. The ability of Matt Stone and Trey Parker to combine brutal slandering with bust-a-hernia-cause-you're-laughing-so-hard humor; all marinated in a straightforward approach to the world that just makes sense. Using the viewpoints of fourth grade children allows the show to cut away all the preconceived, meaningless trappings of adulthood. Even the world's biggest controversies are revealed to be overcomplicated situations that common sense could have solved easily. Plus the root of Osama Bin Laden's evil is explained once and for all (he suffers from male genetalia envy).

What! Huh? Get back on track? Oh, yeah. The season premiere started strong out of the gate, and never faltered. It will be difficult to sing the episodes' praises without giving anything away. The sound spliced voice of Chef inspires titters and giggles throughout. More denouncement of Scientology, albeit through a roundabout approach. The death of Chef is suitably dramatic, and some of that simple genius I mentioned before makes an appearance. Follow all that up with a surprise ending, and you have a bonafide epic. In the form of a thirty minute animated cartoon, no less (I just oxy-moroned, hee hee). For a taste of superb-osity go... HERE. But do not deny yourself the uplifting experience that is the entire episode. Even if you have to knock your neighbor unconscious, and watch it on their cable. It'll be worth it, I promise.

With a vengeance

Sun, sand, surf, and more sun. That's what San Diego had in store for yours truly. I am back, however, and better than ever, I might add (spring break is neato!).

I would like to give a warm show of appreciation to my guest blogger "Mini Twist" aka el Jeffe. Now if only I can get him to post on a regular basis, I will be one step closer to my plans for world domination...

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Concrete Proof! (In an intangible sense)

Finally! I found evidence to support my theory that Paris Hilton died while filming House of Wax, and subsequently was reanimated in a wax body to continue her wacky antics forever (provided she isn't exposed to high heat for extended periods of time).

I guess the bulletpoint of this presentation is that her skin seems to be made of a plasticky, unnatural substance.

The Saga Continues...

For those of you keeping tabs on the South Park Soap Opera developing between the creators of the show and Isaac Hayes, tune in tonight!

I doff my cap to Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Despite the relatively short period of time between last week's controversial developments, and tonight's kickoff of the new season, those boys were ready to answer the call of duty. Call me a cynic, but I have a feeling Chef's character will not command the same reverence it once did. It will be difficult to watch the tarnishing of Isaac Hayes' once beloved father figure.
The episode promises to be an emotional roller coaster, since that show usually makes me laugh more than a naked ticklish marijuana smoker in a room full of fuzzy bunnies.

It's a shame Mr. Hayes doesn't have a show to fire back at Stone and Parker. We can only hope Tom Cruise works a dazzlingly witty zinger into MI:3. Or, maybe if we're REALLY lucky, Isaac will do a South Park bashing song. Like the tracks Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac used to lay down for each other. Ah, those were the days.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

We Could Have Had Something Special

Upon hearing that NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue had announced his plans to retire in July, to be honest, I wept like a baby. When I finally pulled myself together, I wondered "who can possibly follow in his footsteps"? The man leaves larger shoes to fill than Robert Wadlow. The only person I could think of who would possibly be up to the challenge is Yoda. But you will never believe whose name I heard mentioned instead - Condoleezza Rice. No joke.

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. After all her accomplishments, running a pro sports league would be the next logical step. She succeeded Colin Powell as secretary of state. Why wouldn't she further herself by taking the helm of the "S.S. Gobs-of-money"? Forget about the White House, nevermind aboout accomplishing things on a global scale, or making the world a safer place. What would world peace be without American football to enjoy?

Then I saw this. Hey, you snooze, you lose, Condy. Anyone know how to get to Dagobah?

Gnomes Avoid The Long Arm Of Tyranny

Here is a call to all those who fancy themselves "upstarts". For anyone who ever painstakingly inscribed the symbol for anarchy onto a belonging or body part. May I suggest Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell" for a musical companion as we foray off the beaten path. Gwynneth Lester could give us all a lesson in sticking it to the man. Good show, madam!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Movie Review: V For Vendetta

As this movie is currently stirring up a decent amount of controversy, I truly expected more. For starters, I don't think that the controversy is warranted, as the "issue" that everyone is talking about isn't really pulled off all that well.

Let me back up a bit. A few days ago, a friend and I were discussing movies, and how we look at them differently the older we get. For me, I want a movie to be one way or the other - i.e., either completely serious, or completely over-the-top stupid and un-realistic. If I am going to suspend belief in reality, a film needs to go all the way with it (Star Wars, X-Men, Batman, etc.). If, however, it tries to have a message and be serious, I would like it to be firmly based in reality. This is where Vendetta falls short.

It is obvious the correlation to current events that the producers/writers tried to make - creating a world where fear has lead a religious, conservative leader to take away the freedom of the people via censored news, curfews, and the rounding up of "undesirables." The hero, "V", is a victim of this tyranny and oppression, and subsequently sets out to destroy said fascist leader/government. This is where the current controversy arises over this film. The hero is labeled a "terrorist" and uses terrorist tactics to make his mark (blowing up buildings, for example). Many have said this glorifies terrorism, and that the movie sends the wrong message because of it.

My opinion? The movie, in brutal honesty, is not smart enough to send any real "message." Here's why (glad you asked) - if you view this movie as I do (in one of the two ways I described above) you can either suspend belief in reality and not take it serious, in which case it's hard to appreciate any real "message"; or you can take it seriously, in which case you must completely ignore reality and believe that we are only ten or fifteen years away from a religious, conservative dictator ruling a western country with a fascist Nazi-esque regime. I'm sure that there are many Moveon.org fruit-cakes who subscribe to that being a serious possibility, but for those of us who can pass a drug test, that's a little far fetched.

Am I taking a movie too seriously? Quite the opposite. This is the whole point of the review; I don't think you should take this movie seriously, but unfortunately, it falls in that middle ground of not-quite-serious and not quite full-fledged-fantasy, which leaves me feeling as if it is missing something. Is there any good to it? The acting was fantastic. Hugo Weaving's dialogue is some of best I have heard in a while, and it doesn't hurt that I got to look at Natalie Portman for two hours (even if she was bald for the last thirty minutes or so). The premise of the movie is a good one, even if it just doesn't fully exploit that potential. Visually speaking, it was very, very well done. Great soundtrack, as well. Something that seems more and more rare these days.

In the end, it just left me feeling let down. As if they could have done so much more. Seeing as how this was done by the same guys who did the Matrix trilogy, this is not surprising. Vendetta is along the same lines; a movie that tries to be deep, but ends up being no more than a screen adaptation of a comic book. Definitely worth a rental, but hard to say if it's worth more than that.

Read reviews from my buddy Jason here, and Dave at Garfield Ridge here, for a different perspective, if you wish.

Ninja Problem

I'm sorry, you have ninjas. What do you do when you have a problem with ninja infestation?

The video is a little long, but well worth watching the whole thing.

Hat tip to Mrs. Wake-&-a .5 for the link to the video. Funny stuff.

South Park Vs. Scientology

If you want to see the episode that started the current controversy with South Park and Scientology, you can watch the whole thing for free here.

I have written here before about not being a huge fan of making fun of religion, but in all seriousness, Scientology isn't a religion; it's a scam.

The episode is about 23 minutes long. Oh, and be prepared to laugh. A lot. But only if you think making fun of Tom Cruise is funny. Which you should.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

New Standard

I've always thought Natalie Portman was very attractive, but she just jumped a couple notches up in my book. Seriously, if you ladies out there want to know how to win my heart, just know that making out with a monkey is right up near the top on the "things I find ridiculously hot" list.

Incidentally, I have been trying to upload this image to my blog since last night (flippin' blogspot!), then Dave at Garfield Ridge goes and beats me to it. Bastard!

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Saddam and al Qaeda

Saddam's Philippines Terror Connection - Hussein had connections to terrorists? Say it isn't so! Who would have ever thought?!?!?

Oh that's right, a lot of us. Read the whole article if you have the time. Thanks to Hugh Hewitt for the heads up.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Caption Contest

I'm just not real sure what to say right here. My brain kinda shut down after seeing this. I think it was a system overload. Make your own funny.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

No Shortage of Good Tunes

Ready to be amazed, world? Hope so, 'cause "it's Chico time"!!!

LONDON (Reuters) - A former goat herder and male stripper has sold twice as many
records as Madonna in recent weeks to become the first Arab to top the British
pop singles chart since records began 44 years ago.

That sentence tells me all I really need to know. I'm sold.

In Britain he [real name: Yousseph Slimani] worked as a "exotic male dancer" to
pay the medical bills for his grandmother after she suffered a stroke and wished
to travel for healing to the Islamic holy city of Mecca.

First off, I can't figure out why he changed his name to "Chico." Saying, "man, that Yousseph Slimani rocked last night" has such a nice ring to it.

Second, what's with the sick grandmother story? For once, I would like to hear someone say "yeah, I was an exotic dancer, but it was only because I could make huge amounts of cash by stripping off my gear shaking my junk in front of people." People are going to make jokes about it regardless, at least be honest and you can have that going for you. The "hooker with a heart of gold" story is wearing a little thin these days.

As for me, I'm off to save an orphanage from terrorist Nazi Communists. It's not as noble as Chico, but it's a start.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

In the Mood for a Movie?

I'm sure that you've been saying to yourself how much you appreciate all the musical links to great stuff (Hasselhoff, Kim Jong Il) on this site, but what about a movie that truly takes your breath away? Never fear, I have found what you seek.

My Little Pony: The Princess Promenade.

Again, read the comments. "It is like drinking unicorn giggles."

Good times, good times.

Studying is For the Weak!

Light posting today, on account of a crappy mid-term test in crappy political crappy science (I'm not bitter).

But here is a cool quiz that I only got five out of ten on.

Thanks to Retired Geezer of Blog Idaho.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Whinny Writers of Cheesy Stories.

BROKEBACK AUTHOR SLATES OSCARS - Aww, is someone a wittle upset over not getting some meaningless award?

In an essay published by British newspaper The Guardian, Proulx describes voters
as "out of touch" and "segregated" from current issues.

Right, because someone who writes stories like Brokeback is "in touch" with current issues. From what I understand, the topic of gay sheep-herders was the #1 hot-button issue for water-cooler talk in 2005.

She writes, "Roughly 6,000 film industry voters, most in the Los Angeles area,
many living cloistered lives behind wrought-iron gates or in deluxe rest homes,
out of touch not only with the shifting larger culture and the yeasty ferment
that is America these days, but also out of touch with their own segregated
city, decide which films are good."

Hollywood out of touch? SAY IT ISN'T SO!!! If this is actually a novel concept to someone, they live on a different planet than the rest of us. "...yeasty ferment that is America these days"??? What is she, a Southern-Baptist minister?

These people amaze me. They truly do.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Hasselhoff Has Major Competition

Kim Jong-Il gets jiggy with it - I knew it would be hard to top the musical greatness of the last post, but I think this should do just fine.

NORTH Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il may launch a sneak attack on the world's pop
charts - with the love-song I Am a Front-line Soldier's Wife.

There's nothing sneaky about that. That is pure gold, baby!

Since the Korean War ceasefire in 1953, North Korea has waged an unending
propaganda war upon the "decadent cesspool" of Western liberal democracies,
especially the US, Japan and their allies.

But they waited this long to release a gem like Song of Coast Artillerywoman? What the hell, Kim? If I had been able to bee-bop to smooth sounds like that sooner, I would have given up this "decadent cesspool" years ago in favor of your land of groovy tunes.

For music-lovers tired of silly love songs, say the new North Korean hit tune, A Girl Innovator Dashing Like a Steed is a refreshing change of pace.
Other popular airs include Song of Coast Artillerywomen, Girl
Silk-weavers of Nyongbyon
and I Am a Front-line Soldier's Wife,
the KCNA news agency reported.

For my money, it doesn't rock much harder than Nyongbyon. Once they hit the bridge, forget it man, I am gone.

It is unclear whether the tunes have a beat that people can dance to.

Unclear to the writer of that article, maybe. But certainly not to me. I'm packing up my cowbell and moving to North Korea. Rock on, Kim Jong Il. Rock on.

Musical Gold-Mine

Ever wonder what the greatest album of all time is? Well, look no further my friends. The light has shown down on us, this glorious day I tell you. And we will look back on this moment as a turning point in our growth as beings who understand fine artistic expression.

Just go here to see what I am talking about.

P.S. The whole joke is for you to read the reviews people wrote on this album. Pure genius, I say.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

DVD Review: Walk The Line

Although this was one I wanted to see in the theater, I just got around to renting it this weekend. Overall: Good, solid movie. For some reason, however, it seemed like something was missing.

Being a pretty big Johnny Cash fan, part of me was pretty skeptical about this film. I had heard that the actors do all of their own singing, and with a legendary voice like The Man in Black, I figured that would be pretty hard to pull off. And, let's face it, this isn't a character from fifty years ago that has long since left the public consciousness. The man was famous for about forty years, and he's only been gone for a couple. So it's pretty easy to have some preconceived notions of how he should be portrayed. The man was, and still is, an American icon.

The movie essentially chronicles his rise to fame, beginning with his very humble beginnings and on up through his first marriage and subsequent drug problem. Here's where I think the movie fell a little short. I realize that in this day and age, "drama" is the name of the game with nearly everything. The sensationalism of addictions, abuse, etc. is what sells books/movies/tv shows/family reunions... (well, maybe not that last one), and so producers feel the need to include and over emphasize problems of that nature. The unfortunate side of that is, sometimes it overshadows a better story. That is, to a certain degree, what happened in Walk the Line. I guess they felt that the drug abuse story would sell more tickets than the stories of him essentially giving the finger to some of the biggest corporate entities in the music industry throughout his career. Too bad, as I always found it very interesting that guys like Cash, Merle Haggard, and Waylon Jennings were way more "anti-establishment" than any rock or punk group ever was.

Don't get me wrong, it was a very good movie. The acting was incredible; most notably Reese Witherspoon in the role of June Carter (later Cash). As I said, apparently she did all her own stunts...er, singing, and I must say she did an amazing job. If I believed in award shows, I would say she deserves one. Joaquin Phoenix was pretty good as Cash, too. He was just out-shined by Witherspoon. The other highlight for me would be the scenes showing them out on the road, and the characters he was involved with. Cruising around with the likes of Jerry Lee Lewis and Roy Orbison had to make for some interesting times.

Summary - if you are even remotely a fan of Cash's music, it's definitely worth a rental (a little bit long, and a very abrupt ending. Just a warning). I could probably go off on a whole topic about Cash's music here, but I will keep this review to the movie, only. Worth seeing, but don't sell your kids into slavery for a copy.

Final note: As I said, I am a pretty big fan of Johnny Cash. If you are interested in his music at all, this is a good place to start.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Hard Quiz

http://www.keepmebusy.com/link.php?id=2013 - If you get anything less than perfect, go ahead and turn yourself into the authorities, as you shouldn't be allowed to live on your own in public.

Ha. Seriously though, it's actually pretty tough. It took three of us the better part of the morning to finish.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Most Obvious Headline of the Week

Man camping in train tunnel stuck and killed by train -

In other news; floods make things wet, famines make people hungry, and children sometimes disobey their parents. More earth shattering news as the stories break.

Iran Has Fun Conferences

Iranian University Holds "Holocaust Myth" Conference - Not to be out done by their leader, Isfahahahahanan University held a conference on whether or not the Holocaust was real, or a myth.

Alireza Soltanshahi, a representative of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
who heads the Presidential Office for the Study of the Palestinian Issue,
addressed the gathering, telling participants that, the Holocaust myth has
turned into an industry for the Zionists to gain money.

Other upcoming conferences to be held by the Iranians - "Jews: Can We Get Them To Nuke Us," "How to Secure The Imminent Destruction of Your Own Country" and the much anticipated "Leadership Development: How to Make Your Country Seem Crazier Than North Korea." I heard that Carrot Top is slated to perform at that last one. Should be a doozy.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Stupidest Idea of The Week So Far

Police Ready To Pull Over Good Drivers - Because they are looking for another reason for people to hate them?

The Travis County Sheriff's Department and the Round Rock Express minor-league
baseball team announced a program to reward good drivers with free Express

Gee, wow, a free "Express ticket." Thanks. I guess.

Sheriff Greg Hamilton said his deputies will stop motorists just as they would
during a routine traffic stop. He acknowledged that some drivers are likely to
be upset before an explanation.

I would wager pretty good money that after that explanation most drivers be even more pissed off.

During "Drivers Safety Week," Travis County Motor and Traffic Units will be
rewarding motorists who they observe to be driving safely and courteously and
obeying the rules of the road. These individuals will be stopped by the officers
and presented with a "Be Our Guest" card good for two tickets to a Round Rock
Express home game, the team said.

Let's say this happens to me - You know what would be an even cooler reward for obeying traffic laws? If you would LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE and let me drive to where it is I need to go! For cryin' out loud... Oh, but what a great reward! Tickets to some craptastic minor league baseball game. So not only was my driving delayed, now I have to try and unload some tickets to a game with teams no one has even heard of. Super.

Unless part of the "reward" includes a couple of super-models and great big bags of cash, please don't stop me to tell me "good job." I know I'm doing a good job. That's why you aren't stopping me. Funny how that works, I know.