Did you know that being married is like being nibbled to death by a duck?

Friday, April 21, 2006

Movie Review: The Sentinel

In a reversal of the norm, Hollywood decides to capitalize on a television show to make a movie. Our hero Jack Bauer makes it to the big screen in The Sentinel, a movie about a plot to assassinate the President of the United States by a mole inside the Secret Service. Oh yeah sure, his name isn't Jack Bauer in this movie, but whatever. Same thing.

Anyhoo, the movie begins with a bunch of stuff about the Secret Service doing stuff, then goes to show Jack T. Colton doing stuff, then it shows some guy killing an agent. Whoa, you can't do that, pal. It's a crime. So then some rookie girl agent shows up to Jack Bauer's office and says she is going to be his apprentice. Cool, she's pretty, so he says "ok." Her first assignment, of course, is to accompany him to investigate the aforementioned murdered agent. Jack Bauer exerts his authority smoothly over the local keystone-cops by saying a whole bunch of whiz-bang technical investigative stuff... I don't really know, I wasn't paying attention. I was waiting for him to shoot one them or say something about not having "enough time!!!" Then the pretty rookie said some stuff to show that she was worthy of the prestigious role of a Secret Service agent. I don't know what, I was waiting for her to get naked. She didn't.

The president then makes his first appearance and, what's this? It's Sledgehammer! I waited for him to pull out his gigantic handgun and start shooting stuff. He didn't.

Of course, Jack T. Colton, who's job is to protect the president's wife (played here by Vicki Vail), and his undeniable animal-like machismo find a way into the first lady's knickers. They almost showed it, but thankfully, they didn't.

After that they try to develop some sort of a "plot," but alas, they don't. You can figure out the whole thing in about the first ten minutes. They main bad guy is exactly who you think it is, and the good guys always get shot in the shoulder/side/butt (if they have a title role. Otherwise, sorry for you agent Jones, you lose). The bad guys, conversely, will die in a manor that is directly proportional to how bad they were, and how deeply involved with the conspiracy they were (if they were deep, there is always going to be the dying breath confessional).

Overall, Jack Bauer doesn't kill anywhere near enough people, or use that many high-tech gizmos. Come to think of it, not once did he reposition a satellite. What a rip-off. But it's actually somewhat entertaining. There are even a number of pretty funny parts, so it doesn't try too hard to be serious. It's a good mindless movie, I suppose.

Incidentally, I'm about sick of technical malfunctions at theaters. Theater owners wonder why numbers are dwindling, but how hard is it to get a projector that, say, projects? It's a lot to ask for, I know. At any rate, it's no mystery to me why fewer and fewer people are going to the theaters and more are just staying home and renting. The first five minutes of our movie (at UNITED ARTISTS THEATERS) the bottom half of the screen was invisible. Huh, is that normal? Weird how people from the audience actually need to tell the people working there when that happens. Heaven forbid they check it out themselves. But hey, all is made fair because I GOT A FREE PASS! Gee, how can I ever be upset after that?

5 comments:

Jason Evans said...

Great review... As always...

It took 5 minutes for somebody to get up and tell the peeps it was broke ?? Or it took 5 minutes to fix... That's always funny how nobody wants to get up and complain...

Mr. Twisted said...

Oh no, people had already gone and told them, and they continued to show the first five minutes of the movie. The bottom half of the screen had been blacked out throughout the previews, and yet they kept rolling. Simply amazing.

El Jeffe said...

It's rare that a review ripping apart a movie makes me want to go see it. Your talents know no bounds. Except you might want to skip ruining the mystery of needless nudity. That's always a killjoy, no matter how funny the review is.

Mr. Twisted said...

Well, better that you know it going in, and that way don't have any unrealistic expectations. Plus, it is rated PG-13, so you know it's not going to get too frisky.

Miss Ginny said...

Madness!

Maybe people are staying home because it costs something like $10.50 to see a freaking movie? Well, when I was a little lass.... oh, it was $8.50 when I was a little lass.