Did you know that being married is like being nibbled to death by a duck?

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Wise Words

When you don't have anything interesting to say, point out those who do.

Peggy Noonan has a must read piece about patriotism, immigration, and why this is a great country that proves once again how far I have to go with my writing ability. Read it all.

Un-suprising Double Standard

Borders, Waldenbooks Won't Carry Magazine -

Borders and Waldenbooks stores will not stock the April-May issue of Free
Inquiry magazine because it contains cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad that
provoked deadly protests among Muslims in several countries.


Anyone want to take bets on me walking into either one of those stores and finding countless mockeries of Christianity and Judaism? Oh, I forgot, that's "ok" and "politically correct." What a bunch of crap.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Those Poor Souls

Now, normally I avoid making a mockery of real problems. I understand it's a fine line between laughable and personally offensive, and I try to steer clear altogether.

The preceeding disclaimer is a CYA for this particular post. A new "problem" has been brought to light, and honestly, I'm having trouble taking it seriously. If your downtime is so meaningless that work dominates your life, it shouldn't be that hard to remedy. Here are some helpful suggestions: start a family, take up building ships in bottles, try drinking Irish whiskey for a hobby. Otherwise, I'll fix you up with a one step plan. I regularly host "Pimp Hand" meetings, and aside from the red handprint on your cheek, they're harmless. Not to mention faster than some sissy 12 step plan. 12 Steps!!!!!! Is anyone else struggling with this yet?!?

Sorry, I let myself get a little out of hand there. It's just that, as long as crack babies are being born and men and women are dying in foreign lands to defend our freedom; taking Workaholism seriously is just asking too much of me. Please accept my apologies if I've overstepped my bounds. Remember to direct all class action suits towards Mr Twisted. Not me.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I've Used That Defense. So What?

'Shania Twain' defense works in drunk driver's favour - This should be good:

One of the most notorious drunk drivers in the Ottawa area has been found not
criminally responsible on his latest impaired driving charges because of a
mental disorder that makes him believe female celebrities are controlling his
actions.

What are they talking aboot, eh? That's a mental disorder?

The 33-year-old man told psychiatrists that he knew the legal repercussions
of his actions, but believed singer Shania Twain was helping him drive.

Shania has "helped" me do a lot of things. Oh boy, has she... Wait, what were we talking aboot, eh? Oh yeah, the story.

On Monday, the judge drew on several psychiatric assessments in ruling that
Brownlee was not criminally responsible for his actions because he suffers from
delusions that celebrities such as Twain are communicating with him
telepathically.

She's been trying to get into my head for years, man. I know your pain. I truly do.

Seriously, isn't it just so cool that a guy like this is not only out driving around, but gets away with wreaking havoc because he's crazy? Let that be a lesson to you all; if you get a traffic ticket, use the "Shania Twain defense." It's way more effective than the "Chewbacca defense" popularized by South Park. Plus, she's way better looking.

I'm Failing To See The Problem

Heart Disease Charity Exec Embezzled $237K To Pay Dominatrix - So, is he going to get some kind of award or something?

NEW YORK -- A charity foundation's former accountant, accused of embezzling
heart disease research funds to pay an Ohio dominatrix to beat him, pleaded
guilty Tuesday to grand larceny and admitted that he stole more than
$237,000.

Well, in his defense, those Ohio dominatrixi (plural, right?) are legendary. Or so I've heard. What Hollywood is to movies, Ohio is to dominatrixing (look it up. Not in a dictionary, you fools! Online! It's there. Just check).

Lady Sage's Web site features numerous photographs of the 43-year-old pain
professional in a leather, metal-studded thong and bra, high-heeled lace-up
boots, a leather dress and in what appears to be a red latex rubber evening
dress.

Now that you are all back from Lady Sages website, we shall continue with the story...

Lady Sage says on her Web site she charges $250 an hour for her services and
$1,500 for eight hours. She says the client pays her expenses if she has to
travel for a meet-and-beat session.


And she looks like such a nice lady. Or so I've been told. By those who went to her website. Which I certainly didn't. Nor would I. Ever.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Cutting Edge

Ex-Village People singer faces jail sentence - In this blog's never ending quest to bring you all the most up-to-date music industry info, I stumbled across this sad bit of news.

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - The singer who dressed as a policeman in the
flamboyant late 1970s disco band "Village People" has been arrested after
disappearing while drug and gun charges against him were pending, officials said
on Monday.



On behalf of Twisted Sense of Funny, allow me to be the first to display my absolute shock at this news. This will be one of those moments we all look back on and remember where we were when the news was broken to us that the policeman from the Village People was.... a criminal.

Easily remembered for their outlandish costumes including a construction worker,
a policeman, a cowboy and a leather-clad biker, the Village People were one of
the best known bands of the disco era. Their song "YMCA" is also a favourite gay
anthem.



Whoa whoa whoa, hold the flippin' phone... What kind of racist crap is Reuters trying to pull here?!?! Kind of funny that the one guy they forget to mention was THE INDIAN! Not like you can't remember him! For cryin' out loud here, he was the best one!!!

I'm sorry, it's just that this story has me a little emotional, that's all. Talk amongst yourselves. I'll be jamming out to "YMCA" for the remainder of the evening, remembering when things seemed so simple...

Actors Have Issues (part 3,476)

Sean Penn Has Torture Doll - Oh, so he calls it "torture" does he?

[Penn] has a plastic doll of conservative US columnist ANN COULTER that he
likes to abuse when angry.


The term "abuse" when used in this context can have sooooo many different meanings. *I* may not know what they are, but I know all of you do. Sinners.

Seriously, if you had something like that, why would you admit it? To anyone?? I think that is much more self-incriminating than anything else. Unless you think it's healthy to beat up on Barbie. Which opens up possibilities that I refuse to discuss outside of my padded room.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Funny, in a Ha Ha Sort of Way

I'm not huge on impersonations, but Frank Caliendo is pretty dang funny. Check out this compilation clip of his stand up routine. Good stuff.

And here is a clip of none other than Chuck Norris himself reading off some facts about himself.

Camp Saddam

Camp Saddam: What we've learned about Iraq's terrorist training camps. - Great article from the Weekly Standard on Iraq's connection to terrorism, and more specifically, to al Qaeda.

I could do block quotes and comment on the article, but I would end up doing the whole thing. If you have the time, read it all. If you finish it, then you can have your desert.

Hat tip to good men at Powerline. If you haven't checked out their site, do yourself a favor and give it a read.

Friday, March 24, 2006

News Makes Funny All By Itself

Libya's Gaddafi lectures U.S. on democracy - I know, I had to read that headline about three or four times as well.

He touted Libya's political system as superior to "farcical" and "fake
parliamentary and representative democracies in the West."

If by "superior" he means "worse in every possible humanitarian way" then I totally agree with him. 100%.

Libya's Jamahiriyah system, under which Libyans can air their views at
"people's congresses," is genuine democracy, said Gaddafi, who spoke through a
translator and was dressed in purple robes and seated at a desk in front of a
map of Africa. He ate a live puppy with a fork and spoon and said
"plus, we can do this. So we've got that going for us as well."


Ok, so maybe I put that last quote in there. But I'm pretty sure it happened.

Gaddafi said Libya's new openness would not lead Libyans to covet what they do
not have -- on the contrary, he said, the rest of the world would soon be
emulating Libya.
"Countries like the United States, India, China, the Russian
Federation, are in bad need of this Jamahiriyah system," he said. "This is a
savior to them."
Yes. Yes I am seeing your point, and I am in complete agreement with you. Now, just lie down and drink more of your special blue Kool-Aid and everything will be juuust fine. What a loon.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Friday Funnies

Greg Bruns once again treats us to some video goodness.

For all the shooters out there, take special note of the video titled "Shooting Reeeeaaaaaallllyyyy Fast." I have been looking for this footage for a while. Jerry Miculek is absolutely phenomenal. I shot against him back in 1995 at the SOF 3-gun match, and I was in awe just watching him (and yes, I got smoked). The man is so far above the level of even good shooters that it's out of hand. Humble guy, too. At any rate, this is a video of him setting a few records.

Classy Broad

TEACHER SENTENCED: Had Sex With 4 Students - Stop. Don't go to the link yet. First, I want you to get a mental picture of a female teacher that multiple male students would have sex with. Was there a teacher in your past that all the boys went ga-ga over? Think of her. Got it? Good. Now go click on the link and have the same reaction I did. Go ahead, do it.

She tried tp convince the court her bizarre behavior was linked to taking
Prozac and diet pills and that she was a candidate for probation or home
confinement.

Prozac and diet pills, eh? Sure, I can see where that would make you do that. Oh wait, she was on prozac and diet pills... Doesn't do much to explain the boys' behavior, though.

One victim's parent said Woods turned her son into a drinking, drug using
somebody she doesn't know.

Ignoring for a moment the poor sentence structure of that quote, I don't blame the kid. I would turn to drugs and drinking, too. Yikes.

Pure Gold

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the genius of South Park is unrivaled. The ability of Matt Stone and Trey Parker to combine brutal slandering with bust-a-hernia-cause-you're-laughing-so-hard humor; all marinated in a straightforward approach to the world that just makes sense. Using the viewpoints of fourth grade children allows the show to cut away all the preconceived, meaningless trappings of adulthood. Even the world's biggest controversies are revealed to be overcomplicated situations that common sense could have solved easily. Plus the root of Osama Bin Laden's evil is explained once and for all (he suffers from male genetalia envy).

What! Huh? Get back on track? Oh, yeah. The season premiere started strong out of the gate, and never faltered. It will be difficult to sing the episodes' praises without giving anything away. The sound spliced voice of Chef inspires titters and giggles throughout. More denouncement of Scientology, albeit through a roundabout approach. The death of Chef is suitably dramatic, and some of that simple genius I mentioned before makes an appearance. Follow all that up with a surprise ending, and you have a bonafide epic. In the form of a thirty minute animated cartoon, no less (I just oxy-moroned, hee hee). For a taste of superb-osity go... HERE. But do not deny yourself the uplifting experience that is the entire episode. Even if you have to knock your neighbor unconscious, and watch it on their cable. It'll be worth it, I promise.

With a vengeance

Sun, sand, surf, and more sun. That's what San Diego had in store for yours truly. I am back, however, and better than ever, I might add (spring break is neato!).

I would like to give a warm show of appreciation to my guest blogger "Mini Twist" aka el Jeffe. Now if only I can get him to post on a regular basis, I will be one step closer to my plans for world domination...

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Concrete Proof! (In an intangible sense)

Finally! I found evidence to support my theory that Paris Hilton died while filming House of Wax, and subsequently was reanimated in a wax body to continue her wacky antics forever (provided she isn't exposed to high heat for extended periods of time).

I guess the bulletpoint of this presentation is that her skin seems to be made of a plasticky, unnatural substance.

The Saga Continues...

For those of you keeping tabs on the South Park Soap Opera developing between the creators of the show and Isaac Hayes, tune in tonight!

I doff my cap to Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Despite the relatively short period of time between last week's controversial developments, and tonight's kickoff of the new season, those boys were ready to answer the call of duty. Call me a cynic, but I have a feeling Chef's character will not command the same reverence it once did. It will be difficult to watch the tarnishing of Isaac Hayes' once beloved father figure.
The episode promises to be an emotional roller coaster, since that show usually makes me laugh more than a naked ticklish marijuana smoker in a room full of fuzzy bunnies.

It's a shame Mr. Hayes doesn't have a show to fire back at Stone and Parker. We can only hope Tom Cruise works a dazzlingly witty zinger into MI:3. Or, maybe if we're REALLY lucky, Isaac will do a South Park bashing song. Like the tracks Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac used to lay down for each other. Ah, those were the days.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

We Could Have Had Something Special

Upon hearing that NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue had announced his plans to retire in July, to be honest, I wept like a baby. When I finally pulled myself together, I wondered "who can possibly follow in his footsteps"? The man leaves larger shoes to fill than Robert Wadlow. The only person I could think of who would possibly be up to the challenge is Yoda. But you will never believe whose name I heard mentioned instead - Condoleezza Rice. No joke.

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. After all her accomplishments, running a pro sports league would be the next logical step. She succeeded Colin Powell as secretary of state. Why wouldn't she further herself by taking the helm of the "S.S. Gobs-of-money"? Forget about the White House, nevermind aboout accomplishing things on a global scale, or making the world a safer place. What would world peace be without American football to enjoy?

Then I saw this. Hey, you snooze, you lose, Condy. Anyone know how to get to Dagobah?

Gnomes Avoid The Long Arm Of Tyranny

Here is a call to all those who fancy themselves "upstarts". For anyone who ever painstakingly inscribed the symbol for anarchy onto a belonging or body part. May I suggest Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell" for a musical companion as we foray off the beaten path. Gwynneth Lester could give us all a lesson in sticking it to the man. Good show, madam!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Movie Review: V For Vendetta

As this movie is currently stirring up a decent amount of controversy, I truly expected more. For starters, I don't think that the controversy is warranted, as the "issue" that everyone is talking about isn't really pulled off all that well.

Let me back up a bit. A few days ago, a friend and I were discussing movies, and how we look at them differently the older we get. For me, I want a movie to be one way or the other - i.e., either completely serious, or completely over-the-top stupid and un-realistic. If I am going to suspend belief in reality, a film needs to go all the way with it (Star Wars, X-Men, Batman, etc.). If, however, it tries to have a message and be serious, I would like it to be firmly based in reality. This is where Vendetta falls short.

It is obvious the correlation to current events that the producers/writers tried to make - creating a world where fear has lead a religious, conservative leader to take away the freedom of the people via censored news, curfews, and the rounding up of "undesirables." The hero, "V", is a victim of this tyranny and oppression, and subsequently sets out to destroy said fascist leader/government. This is where the current controversy arises over this film. The hero is labeled a "terrorist" and uses terrorist tactics to make his mark (blowing up buildings, for example). Many have said this glorifies terrorism, and that the movie sends the wrong message because of it.

My opinion? The movie, in brutal honesty, is not smart enough to send any real "message." Here's why (glad you asked) - if you view this movie as I do (in one of the two ways I described above) you can either suspend belief in reality and not take it serious, in which case it's hard to appreciate any real "message"; or you can take it seriously, in which case you must completely ignore reality and believe that we are only ten or fifteen years away from a religious, conservative dictator ruling a western country with a fascist Nazi-esque regime. I'm sure that there are many Moveon.org fruit-cakes who subscribe to that being a serious possibility, but for those of us who can pass a drug test, that's a little far fetched.

Am I taking a movie too seriously? Quite the opposite. This is the whole point of the review; I don't think you should take this movie seriously, but unfortunately, it falls in that middle ground of not-quite-serious and not quite full-fledged-fantasy, which leaves me feeling as if it is missing something. Is there any good to it? The acting was fantastic. Hugo Weaving's dialogue is some of best I have heard in a while, and it doesn't hurt that I got to look at Natalie Portman for two hours (even if she was bald for the last thirty minutes or so). The premise of the movie is a good one, even if it just doesn't fully exploit that potential. Visually speaking, it was very, very well done. Great soundtrack, as well. Something that seems more and more rare these days.

In the end, it just left me feeling let down. As if they could have done so much more. Seeing as how this was done by the same guys who did the Matrix trilogy, this is not surprising. Vendetta is along the same lines; a movie that tries to be deep, but ends up being no more than a screen adaptation of a comic book. Definitely worth a rental, but hard to say if it's worth more than that.

Read reviews from my buddy Jason here, and Dave at Garfield Ridge here, for a different perspective, if you wish.

Ninja Problem

I'm sorry, you have ninjas. What do you do when you have a problem with ninja infestation?

The video is a little long, but well worth watching the whole thing.

Hat tip to Mrs. Wake-&-a .5 for the link to the video. Funny stuff.

South Park Vs. Scientology

If you want to see the episode that started the current controversy with South Park and Scientology, you can watch the whole thing for free here.

I have written here before about not being a huge fan of making fun of religion, but in all seriousness, Scientology isn't a religion; it's a scam.

The episode is about 23 minutes long. Oh, and be prepared to laugh. A lot. But only if you think making fun of Tom Cruise is funny. Which you should.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

New Standard

I've always thought Natalie Portman was very attractive, but she just jumped a couple notches up in my book. Seriously, if you ladies out there want to know how to win my heart, just know that making out with a monkey is right up near the top on the "things I find ridiculously hot" list.

Incidentally, I have been trying to upload this image to my blog since last night (flippin' blogspot!), then Dave at Garfield Ridge goes and beats me to it. Bastard!

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Saddam and al Qaeda

Saddam's Philippines Terror Connection - Hussein had connections to terrorists? Say it isn't so! Who would have ever thought?!?!?

Oh that's right, a lot of us. Read the whole article if you have the time. Thanks to Hugh Hewitt for the heads up.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Caption Contest



I'm just not real sure what to say right here. My brain kinda shut down after seeing this. I think it was a system overload. Make your own funny.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

No Shortage of Good Tunes

Ready to be amazed, world? Hope so, 'cause "it's Chico time"!!!


LONDON (Reuters) - A former goat herder and male stripper has sold twice as many
records as Madonna in recent weeks to become the first Arab to top the British
pop singles chart since records began 44 years ago.

That sentence tells me all I really need to know. I'm sold.


In Britain he [real name: Yousseph Slimani] worked as a "exotic male dancer" to
pay the medical bills for his grandmother after she suffered a stroke and wished
to travel for healing to the Islamic holy city of Mecca.

First off, I can't figure out why he changed his name to "Chico." Saying, "man, that Yousseph Slimani rocked last night" has such a nice ring to it.

Second, what's with the sick grandmother story? For once, I would like to hear someone say "yeah, I was an exotic dancer, but it was only because I could make huge amounts of cash by stripping off my gear shaking my junk in front of people." People are going to make jokes about it regardless, at least be honest and you can have that going for you. The "hooker with a heart of gold" story is wearing a little thin these days.

As for me, I'm off to save an orphanage from terrorist Nazi Communists. It's not as noble as Chico, but it's a start.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

In the Mood for a Movie?

I'm sure that you've been saying to yourself how much you appreciate all the musical links to great stuff (Hasselhoff, Kim Jong Il) on this site, but what about a movie that truly takes your breath away? Never fear, I have found what you seek.

My Little Pony: The Princess Promenade.

Again, read the comments. "It is like drinking unicorn giggles."

Good times, good times.

Studying is For the Weak!

Light posting today, on account of a crappy mid-term test in crappy political crappy science (I'm not bitter).

But here is a cool quiz that I only got five out of ten on.

Thanks to Retired Geezer of Blog Idaho.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Whinny Writers of Cheesy Stories.

BROKEBACK AUTHOR SLATES OSCARS - Aww, is someone a wittle upset over not getting some meaningless award?


In an essay published by British newspaper The Guardian, Proulx describes voters
as "out of touch" and "segregated" from current issues.

Right, because someone who writes stories like Brokeback is "in touch" with current issues. From what I understand, the topic of gay sheep-herders was the #1 hot-button issue for water-cooler talk in 2005.


She writes, "Roughly 6,000 film industry voters, most in the Los Angeles area,
many living cloistered lives behind wrought-iron gates or in deluxe rest homes,
out of touch not only with the shifting larger culture and the yeasty ferment
that is America these days, but also out of touch with their own segregated
city, decide which films are good."

Hollywood out of touch? SAY IT ISN'T SO!!! If this is actually a novel concept to someone, they live on a different planet than the rest of us. "...yeasty ferment that is America these days"??? What is she, a Southern-Baptist minister?

These people amaze me. They truly do.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Hasselhoff Has Major Competition

Kim Jong-Il gets jiggy with it - I knew it would be hard to top the musical greatness of the last post, but I think this should do just fine.

NORTH Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il may launch a sneak attack on the world's pop
charts - with the love-song I Am a Front-line Soldier's Wife.

There's nothing sneaky about that. That is pure gold, baby!

Since the Korean War ceasefire in 1953, North Korea has waged an unending
propaganda war upon the "decadent cesspool" of Western liberal democracies,
especially the US, Japan and their allies.

But they waited this long to release a gem like Song of Coast Artillerywoman? What the hell, Kim? If I had been able to bee-bop to smooth sounds like that sooner, I would have given up this "decadent cesspool" years ago in favor of your land of groovy tunes.

For music-lovers tired of silly love songs, say the new North Korean hit tune, A Girl Innovator Dashing Like a Steed is a refreshing change of pace.
Other popular airs include Song of Coast Artillerywomen, Girl
Silk-weavers of Nyongbyon
and I Am a Front-line Soldier's Wife,
the KCNA news agency reported.

For my money, it doesn't rock much harder than Nyongbyon. Once they hit the bridge, forget it man, I am gone.

It is unclear whether the tunes have a beat that people can dance to.

Unclear to the writer of that article, maybe. But certainly not to me. I'm packing up my cowbell and moving to North Korea. Rock on, Kim Jong Il. Rock on.

Musical Gold-Mine

Ever wonder what the greatest album of all time is? Well, look no further my friends. The light has shown down on us, this glorious day I tell you. And we will look back on this moment as a turning point in our growth as beings who understand fine artistic expression.

Just go here to see what I am talking about.

P.S. The whole joke is for you to read the reviews people wrote on this album. Pure genius, I say.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

DVD Review: Walk The Line

Although this was one I wanted to see in the theater, I just got around to renting it this weekend. Overall: Good, solid movie. For some reason, however, it seemed like something was missing.

Being a pretty big Johnny Cash fan, part of me was pretty skeptical about this film. I had heard that the actors do all of their own singing, and with a legendary voice like The Man in Black, I figured that would be pretty hard to pull off. And, let's face it, this isn't a character from fifty years ago that has long since left the public consciousness. The man was famous for about forty years, and he's only been gone for a couple. So it's pretty easy to have some preconceived notions of how he should be portrayed. The man was, and still is, an American icon.

The movie essentially chronicles his rise to fame, beginning with his very humble beginnings and on up through his first marriage and subsequent drug problem. Here's where I think the movie fell a little short. I realize that in this day and age, "drama" is the name of the game with nearly everything. The sensationalism of addictions, abuse, etc. is what sells books/movies/tv shows/family reunions... (well, maybe not that last one), and so producers feel the need to include and over emphasize problems of that nature. The unfortunate side of that is, sometimes it overshadows a better story. That is, to a certain degree, what happened in Walk the Line. I guess they felt that the drug abuse story would sell more tickets than the stories of him essentially giving the finger to some of the biggest corporate entities in the music industry throughout his career. Too bad, as I always found it very interesting that guys like Cash, Merle Haggard, and Waylon Jennings were way more "anti-establishment" than any rock or punk group ever was.

Don't get me wrong, it was a very good movie. The acting was incredible; most notably Reese Witherspoon in the role of June Carter (later Cash). As I said, apparently she did all her own stunts...er, singing, and I must say she did an amazing job. If I believed in award shows, I would say she deserves one. Joaquin Phoenix was pretty good as Cash, too. He was just out-shined by Witherspoon. The other highlight for me would be the scenes showing them out on the road, and the characters he was involved with. Cruising around with the likes of Jerry Lee Lewis and Roy Orbison had to make for some interesting times.

Summary - if you are even remotely a fan of Cash's music, it's definitely worth a rental (a little bit long, and a very abrupt ending. Just a warning). I could probably go off on a whole topic about Cash's music here, but I will keep this review to the movie, only. Worth seeing, but don't sell your kids into slavery for a copy.

Final note: As I said, I am a pretty big fan of Johnny Cash. If you are interested in his music at all, this is a good place to start.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Hard Quiz

http://www.keepmebusy.com/link.php?id=2013 - If you get anything less than perfect, go ahead and turn yourself into the authorities, as you shouldn't be allowed to live on your own in public.

Ha. Seriously though, it's actually pretty tough. It took three of us the better part of the morning to finish.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Most Obvious Headline of the Week

Man camping in train tunnel stuck and killed by train -

In other news; floods make things wet, famines make people hungry, and children sometimes disobey their parents. More earth shattering news as the stories break.

Iran Has Fun Conferences

Iranian University Holds "Holocaust Myth" Conference - Not to be out done by their leader, Isfahahahahanan University held a conference on whether or not the Holocaust was real, or a myth.

Alireza Soltanshahi, a representative of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
who heads the Presidential Office for the Study of the Palestinian Issue,
addressed the gathering, telling participants that, the Holocaust myth has
turned into an industry for the Zionists to gain money.

Other upcoming conferences to be held by the Iranians - "Jews: Can We Get Them To Nuke Us," "How to Secure The Imminent Destruction of Your Own Country" and the much anticipated "Leadership Development: How to Make Your Country Seem Crazier Than North Korea." I heard that Carrot Top is slated to perform at that last one. Should be a doozy.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Stupidest Idea of The Week So Far

Police Ready To Pull Over Good Drivers - Because they are looking for another reason for people to hate them?

The Travis County Sheriff's Department and the Round Rock Express minor-league
baseball team announced a program to reward good drivers with free Express
tickets.

Gee, wow, a free "Express ticket." Thanks. I guess.

Sheriff Greg Hamilton said his deputies will stop motorists just as they would
during a routine traffic stop. He acknowledged that some drivers are likely to
be upset before an explanation.

I would wager pretty good money that after that explanation most drivers be even more pissed off.

During "Drivers Safety Week," Travis County Motor and Traffic Units will be
rewarding motorists who they observe to be driving safely and courteously and
obeying the rules of the road. These individuals will be stopped by the officers
and presented with a "Be Our Guest" card good for two tickets to a Round Rock
Express home game, the team said.

Let's say this happens to me - You know what would be an even cooler reward for obeying traffic laws? If you would LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE and let me drive to where it is I need to go! For cryin' out loud... Oh, but what a great reward! Tickets to some craptastic minor league baseball game. So not only was my driving delayed, now I have to try and unload some tickets to a game with teams no one has even heard of. Super.

Unless part of the "reward" includes a couple of super-models and great big bags of cash, please don't stop me to tell me "good job." I know I'm doing a good job. That's why you aren't stopping me. Funny how that works, I know.

Oscar Crapola

I had planned on writing a long rant about "why I hate the Oscars and other award shows," but have effectively determined that it is WAY easier to rip off other people's stuff and just link it. Plus, it gives me more time to play with my Mexican office-worker sex doll.

For those of you that have never read anything by Ben Stein (yes, that Ben Stein), do yourself a favor and become acquainted with his work. His columns, as well as his book Can America Survive are outstanding works about the current world we live in. Here's a bit from his piece "Missed Tributes" on the Oscars:

No doubt the men and women who came to the Oscars in gowns that cost more
than an Army Sergeant makes in a year, in limousines with champagne in the back
seat, think they are working class heroes to attack America -- which has made it
all possible for them. They are not. They would be heroes if they said that
Moslem extremists are the worst threat to human decency since Hitler and Stalin.
But someone might yell at them or even attack them with a knife if they said
that, so they never will.

This one is a must read. Ben is one of the few people to ever be involved with Hollywood that can hold his own in any intellectual arena.

Thanks to Mrs. Wake-&-1/2 for the heads up on this article.

Best Headline of the Week So Far

Inflatable sex dolls to fight machismo - You mean, like in some kind of cage fight or something like that?

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - Mexico is deploying an army of inflatable sex dolls
dressed as office executives in a head-turning publicity campaign against
workplace harassment of women in the famously macho country.
Timed to coincide with International Women's Day on Wednesday, the advertisements show sex dolls with staring eyes and gaping red mouths dressed in suits and sitting at computers.

They make suits for those things? Huh. I'll be darned...

Mexico's national institute for women said the ads -- which will run on
television, radio, print media and billboards from mid-March -- were aimed at
stirring up controversy and symbolized the use of women as sexual objects.

I'm having a little trouble understanding exactly how "sex dolls" shown sitting at a desk will make men treat women better. Unless of course their definition of "better" is to be tossed around like a, well, like a sex doll (for cryin' out loud, I'm having trouble coming up with a punch line here, people).

This last part is my favorite:

Mexican President Vicente Fox has headed a series of campaigns against sexism
and other discrimination in his five years in office.
However, he caused a
stir earlier this year when he made a joking reference to women as "washing
machines with two legs."

Geez, you mean people were actually upset by that? That's weird.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Madonna Teaches Us How To Live

Madonna Scolds America - I know, a real shocker that the ever-humble Madonna isn't totally pleased with the very source of her wealth.

Madonna has accused American citizens of being afraid of electing a female as
president of the United States. She believes Americans are frightened by the
concept. She explains: "In Europe and Asia and elsewhere, women have ruled over
millions..."


When asked to define what country or continent was represented by her term "elsewhere," the material girl's head tilted backwards, her jaw dislocated and opened up a cavernous hole allowing hundreds of wasps to fly out and swarm the interviewer. Confirming theories held by many that she in fact sold her soul to the un-dead years ago.

I, for one, am ashamed of myself for not being keyed in to the higher thought processes that she obviously is. How have I made it this far through life? Not very well, obviously. I only hope that she can forgive the poor American people for their wretched ways long enough to come back and make another one of her super great albums/books/movies.

Go read the site I stole the story from. They make fun of her real good.

Drunken Stupidity Can Make You Money

Woman falls off piano, sues restaurant - You can probably already see what's coming, but what the heck, torture yourself and read further.

A woman is suing a Sarasota, Florida restaurant after she fell while
dancing atop a lounge piano. The 57-year-old woman fell backward off the piano
to the floor of the restaurant. Attorneys for the restaurant, Michael's on East,
say it was the result of the woman's drunkenness and carelessness. They say they
can't be responsible for the actions of intoxicated people. But the lawsuit says
the restaurant's director encouraged her to climb up on the piano, and even took
her by the arm and helped her climb up. The suit says she suffered a lingering
neck injury.

Unless "encouraged her to climb up on the piano" means exactly the same thing as "forced against her will with the barrel of a gun and threats of physical harm from a large gorilla," then I hope she spends thousands of dollars of her own money on this lawsuit and gets nothing.

Taking a page from the "I learned everything I need to know about life from the movie Animal House" book; fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life miss piano-dancer.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Were They in Deliverance?

The time-warp family who walk on all fours - (via Drudge) Good start to the story, read on.

An extraordinary family who walk on all fours are being hailed as the
breakthrough discovery which could shed light on the moment Man first stood
upright.
Scientists believe that the five brothers and sisters found in
Turkey could hold unique insights into human evolution.

Yeah, unique insight into generations of in-breeding maybe.

Researchers have found a genetic condition which accounts for their
extraordinary movement.

The genetic condition seems eerily similar to the "marry-your-sister gene" found in certain "hill people" of the south.

The five are all mentally retarded. Their mother and father, who are closely
related are believed to have handed down a unique combination of genes which
result in the behaviour.

Ahh, there it is. It's not that they are a "missing link" so much as they are just missing... something. With any luck, they can end up in the Jim Rose circus and be exploited, er, "used" to their full potential.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Hijack

I'm completely ripping off a topic from Dave at Garfield Ridge because I think it's an interesting post, and it hits pretty close to home.

We all know how hard it is to get Hollywood interested in "patriotic"
themes.
Here we are, almost five years into a global war against a
determined enemy, and how many movies on the War on Terror have we seen?
Let alone movies that portray America as the good guys in this war? None
too many.

Agreed, and the sad part is, it will probably only get worse.

Anyway, here's why I set this all up: the
increasingly controversial case of Pat Tillman
. I have a simple
question, really. Back when Tillman was just a "processed war hero,"
Hollywood didn't seem to care one bit to hear his story. But now that
Tillman's tragic story looks to be complicated by all sorts of things ranging
from Army bureaucratic incompetence to (now) potential criminal negligence, who
here can imagine Hollywood climbing ALL OVER the Tillman story?

As I said, this hits pretty close to home. I met Tillman about two months before he was killed, and since then have trained with a guy who knew him very well. He was nothing short of a genuine, good soul. The problem is, most of us knew that long ago, and it would be absolutely tragic for Hollywood to (now) capitalize on that, just based on the fact that it is a blemish on the U.S. Government. Yet, as much as I would like to say differently, it's very likely to happen.

Thoughts are always welcome, and much appreciated.

Easy Target

I know, this is too easy, but any chance I get to make fun of Barbara Streisand, I'm all over it.

Barbra Streisand has launched a new spelling error-ridden dispatch on the
Internet -- a dispatch that mocks President Bush for being a "C student!"

Oh, she is just so classy.

In
her February 28th, 2006 essay,
Streisand flubs 11 words, a personal record.•
Irag• curruption• dictatoriship• crediblity• Adminstration• warrented•
desperatly• preceedings• ouside• subpoening• responsibilty

Now now, don't be too harsh. Microsoft Word is reely esspenssive.

And this time around, Streisand makes four spelling errors -- in one
sentence!["In the 1970’s, during the Nixon Adminstration, serious political
curruption arose and the Republican leadership stepped up and took responsibilty
by holding hearings and subpoening administration officials."]

Wow. Simply stunning. The thing that surprises me most is that, with her arrogance, you would think she would just hire someone to write that stuff for her.

"The arrogance of this C student," Streisand says of Bush.

I think that one is my favorite. Which ivy league school did you attend, Barbara? Oh that's right, you got your degree at Whore College. Totally different curriculum. What a loon. This post is going to make the blogspot spell check explode.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Movie Review: Ultraviolet

Ever wondered what a group of 13 year-old boys who do nothing but read comics and play video games would do if they had a whole gob of money to throw at a movie? Well wonder no more, Ultraviolet will answer that question.

To be quite honest, I'm not really even sure what I just watched. It seemed much more like a video game than a movie. Cancel that; it seemed more like a commercial for a video game than a movie. Visually speaking, it was pretty cool to look at. Very interesting colors and effects, and it didn't hurt that Milla Jovovich managed to squeeze herself into some pretty tight outfits. As for her acting... Did I mention that she looked good?

Absolutely no plot to speak of whatsoever. Something about infected blood, big evil corporations, a little kid who holds all the secrets, blaa blaa blaa... Don't go see this movie for any kind of "story." See it if you want to watch Miss Jovovich jump around kicking people and slicing them up with a sword. Which, in all reality, is there any other reason you would want to see a movie?

Spike Lee Knows Everything

Firebrand director Spike Lee has found an unlikely new target for his latest spray: the secretary of state. - Professional whiner Spike Lee has, well, been whining again.

"People say, 'She's so successful' and 'Look at her position as a black
woman.' She is a black woman who grew up in Birmingham, Ala., and said that she
never experienced a day of racism in her life," Lee tells the April issue of
Stuff magazine.

Umm, I don't think she's a successful "black woman." I would be more inclined to say that she is a successful person. Pretty sure that the position of Secretary of State ranks right up near the top in terms of "success."

"I know you love your Ferragamo shoes, but come on. While people were drowning
in New Orleans, she was going up and down Madison Ave. buying Ferragamo shoes.
Then she went to see 'Spamalot.'"

I'm always curious to know what people like Spike Lee would actually have these leaders do in times of crisis. Forget about the simple fact for a moment that domestic emergency management is not even fall under the State Departments scope of operations. Let's say it did; then what, Spikey? Would you have her tromping through waste deep water trying to patch the levees? Flying a helicopter rescuing people? I could actually see that, though. Madame Secretary in her thigh-high leather boots, kicking down doors and slinging people over her shoulder while climbing up a rope ladder and into a helicopter. Totally plausible.

Simple fact: People who are "on the ground" in these emergency situations don't want leadership hovering over their shoulder. It's called "micro-management" and most people don't like it. They're kind of funny that way.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Best Book Title

The living dead beat rhino horn to be named Oddest Book Title of the Year - Think that headline doesn't make any sense? It will all become clear in a moment:

Bookseller magazine gave the award Friday to a self-help book on being
haunted entitled "People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves
to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It."

Ahh, of course. That was a great read. But who, I'm sure you are wondering, was the runner up?

In a close fight, the runner-up was "Rhino Horn Stockpile Management: Minimum
Standards and Best Practices from East and Southern Africa."

Tough call. The story line in Rhino was so rich, so moving; but the characters in People Who Don't Know They're Dead just seem to jump off the pages at you. I'm glad there are people out there who can decide, because for my money, they're both winners.

Friday

The Friday funnies are up at GregBruns.com. If you only have time for a couple, be sure to check out the "Redneck Water Skiing" and "Saying F.O. To Jennifer A." And the New Zealand one, too. It's been around a while, but still pretty dang funny.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Geography is The Same as Politics

High school teacher's comments investigated by district - I think this guy desperately wants to be a college professor instead of a high school teacher.

"I'm not saying Bush and Hitler are exactly the same, obviously they're
not. OK? But there are some eerie similarities to the tones that they use," says
Bennish in his critique of U.S. economic and foreign policy.
Towards the end
of the class, Bennish goes on to say, "I'm not in anyway implying that you
should agree with me, I don't even know if I'm necessarily taking a position.
But what I'm trying to get you to do is to think about these issues more in
depth and not to just take things from the surface."

I actually think the quotes there are pretty tame compared to some of the things he says on the tape. The man actually proposes the idea that the U.S. and Mexico will go to war because of some chant by the crowd at a soccer game that was against Americans. Right. Gotcha.

And what is this fascination with comparing President Bush to Adolf Hitler? I have noticed this a lot in some of my college classes, and it baffles me. I don't care if you like the current administration or not, there is no comparison. At all. Get over it.

Listening to the tape, there is just so much here to comment on, I don't know where to start. The tenth grader who is taping him is actually more logical and thoughtful than the teacher. That's pretty scary.

(Live blogging the tape) The teacher is now preaching at his students about how the "intelligence world works" because, quite obviously, he is a seasoned veteran of covert operations the world wide.

We are also evil because we (the U.S.) were willing to let thousands die to get rid of Castro. Eh?

Now he is defending al Qaeda for their attacks because the CIA and FBI had offices in the World Trade Center. Beautiful.

He then absolves himself from any responsibility with the words "You need to decide this for yourselves."

Ahh, listen to the tape if you can. Kind long, but it makes up for that by infuriating you.

Alternative Sports Rule

Fellow Las Vegas blogger and future presidential hopeful, Sobek, has a great idea for a sport called "beat the cripple."

I see a future for this game. I think I've played it before, but without the wheelchair. Ha.

Movies Predict the Future

Pentagon looks to shark spies for ocean research -

Yeah right. "Research." We're talking about the possibility of sharks with friggin lasers on them!
Who the heck cares about "research" with something like this? I see way more possibilities here.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Grade School Has Changed

Bags Of Cocaine Brought To Class By Second-Grader - Ahh yes, I remember when we had "Controlled substance show-and-tell" day. What a hoot. I would have received an "A" in class that day, but little Susie-miss-one-upmanship just had to bring in her own home-made recipe for ecstasy. Yeah, like her mom and dad didn't help her with that. Whatever.

He's *Still* Smarter Than Me

I should just rename this blog "The Un-official Victor Davis Hanson link site" since that's all I really have to offer in terms of intellectual stimulation. "Here, read this! Then come back to my site and I will talk about Monkeys and Chocodiles."

An excerpt:

We point fingers at each other; soldiers under fire point to their achievements:
Largely because they fight jihadists over there, there has not been another 9/11
here. Because Saddam is gone, reform is not just confined to Iraq, but taking
hold in Lebanon, Egypt and the Gulf. We hear the military is nearly ruined after
conducting two wars and staying on to birth two democracies; its soldiers feel
that they are more experienced and lethal, and on the verge of pulling off the
nearly impossible: offering a people terrorized from nightmarish oppression
something other than the false choice of dictatorship or theocracy--and making
the U.S. safer for the effort.


Just read it. You know you want to. All the cool kids are doing it.