Did you know that being married is like being nibbled to death by a duck?

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Drunk, Moonwalking Ewoks on the Today Show

I don't think you need any more explanation than the title to make you go watch this clip. It pretty much sells itself and is well worth your time.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween Is Evil

The Vatican (which I think is...Hindu...?) released a statement in their newspaper this week that Halloween is "anti-Christian."

Where to begin.... First of all, they are saying this now? Pretty sure kids have been Trick-or-Treating for a good number of years, so is this a subject that the Vatican finally said "hey, wait a minute....we should look into that!" or did they just get fed up with little kids dressed up as Transformers and begging for junk food at the Holy City's door, so they figured declaring it "evil" would put a stop to all the shenanigans and eggings.

Second -- and this is the big one -- seriously, how can the Vatican, of all places, label a holiday evil because it is based in the occult? Umm, have you ever looked up the history on Easter? That seems to be a rather big one for the Roman Catholics, last time I checked. But I guess borrowing customs and traditions from pagan rituals is OK when it's convenient. And doesn't involve giving out free candy.

If one ever wonders why organized religion is frowned upon for lack of serious thought, look no further than instances like this. Message to the Pope: Stop worshipping rabbits and don't be such a candy jew. People might start taking you more serious.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Charles Manson Is a Genius

I am currently watching an MSNBC (best news site ever!) special on Charles Manson and the "inner workings" of the man who, by anyone's fair assessment, is quite the deep thinker.

Charlie (as I like to call him) gave an interview in 1997, and MSNBC is now analyzing this interview with the help of a "criminal profiler" from the FBI. Whoa. The FBI? That is some serious stuff. Those people don't mess around. I've seen every episode of the X Files and if there is one thing I've learned from that, it is how incredibly professional and competent the FBI is. For serious.

But watching this interview with ol' Chuck is quite enlightening, I have to say. Why was this guy put in prison? I think he's got some pretty good ideas.

"Hodge-podge of psychoanalytical podge-o-rodge-o-ramma-lamma crapola."

I don't care who you are, that's pure genius.

"I've been with prostitutes, bums and winos my whole life. That's the real world. And if I started murdering people, there would be none of you left."

See where the genius is? It's all in the transition. He went right from living like Jesus to killing anyone and everyone. That takes talent to be able to make that leap so quickly and -- most notably -- so smoothly.

"I told the judge years ago what was coming. He didn't care."

I care! Tell me where I can sign up!

"When you turn young kids into Rambos and lead them into strawberry fields, you're gonna have to answer for what you've done."


"I'm still a little kid. I don't read too well, and I don't mind being stupid. But I can't get a away from politics."

This where we play the game of "Who said it: Charlie Manson or Ted Kennedy."

"Would you tell jokes about me if I was in the same room with you?"

I don't know, your 5' 1" 95 lbs frame is pretty imposing, so....?

"He portrays a profound disconnect" says the FBI expert. Really? No foolin'... I wish I had the ability to be in the FBI. They are so smrt.

Apparently California state law was changed so that there can be no more televised interviews with inmates. Which is really too bad because I could watch this kind of thing every day.

I saw this show today about rich kids having their "Sweet 16" birthday party and the ridiculous amounts of money their parents spend on them. Seriously, I think Chuck Manson has a more realistic and valuable world-view than a Beverly Hills teenager. How sad is that? Yet, here we are. I can more closely relate to a guy who is doing life in prison for his insanity than I can to, what MTV calls, today's youth.

What I think is most interesting -- and possibly scary -- is how much he sounds like Al Gore. And I'm not sure if that speaks poorly of Al or well of Charlie. Either way it makes us all realize how wrong we were to criticize An Inconvenient Truth. Not because of the poor research and abuse of science, but because Al could end up in your bedroom writing "Helter Skelter" on the wall and stabbing away like a race-war gone wild. Tragic, I say. Tragic.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Zombies AND Midgets: The Best Post Ever

Because it's not about "if" a zombie apocalypse will happen so much as it is "when," I feel the need to post updates I find regarding the subject.

Jonah Goldberg at National Review posted this yesterday. I think he makes some valid points, not the least of which is that he would rather be with a team of Navy SEALs than with a bunch of gamers. That is an interesting phenomenon when discussing a possible zombie apocalypse; gamers think that somehow they have more knowledge and ability to survive than the average human. How so? Clearly they are missing out on some of the most important aspects of survivability (like finding hot chicks, rescuing them, and being all macho and stuff with lots of guns).

I won't get into details just yet, since this is a short post. So here is a starting point to educate yourself on possible zombie types. We can discuss more of this later.

And yes, the title was correct -- we have midgets as well!

I blame my sister for this particular funny (she laughed. I didn't. I find it horribly offensive. Totally).

This one was linked off of the same page and is just too good to be true. Why had I not thought of that....

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Napolitano Is Some Sort of Genius

"Napolitano Says Al-Qaeda-Style Terrorists Are in U.S."

Wow. She must be some sort of highly trained expert with access to top secret documents or something to know that.

"It is fair to say there are individuals in the United States who ascribe
to al-Qaeda-type beliefs," Napolitano said in an interview with Bloomberg
Television today.

I for one am grateful to our amazing government for providing such expertise on a subject no one has been talking about at all for the last ten years or so.

Seriously, where do I apply for her job? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I can do it based on the few things I've seen out of this woman. At least it's been a few months since she insulted veterans returning home from Iraq and Afghanistan. That's something.

Friday, October 09, 2009

X Men Wolverine: A Live-blogged Review

Why pay $4.99 when you can read a summarized, semi-coherent rant-version of the newest-to-DVD blockbuster right here at your favorite blog? Ok, second favorite. No? Give me something here, people. I'm struggling. It's the economy.

I'm anticipating this to have some hard to follow plot lines and deep story telling, so be prepared to keep up. I'm not waiting for you.

We begin our story in the year 1840...something. Great, I'm already lost. Wolverine is a little kid and sprouting claws out of his hands already. And who does he use his newly acquired tools on first? His father, of course. I'm sure that won't cause any psychological issues down the road.

Whoa, it's a little early in the film for a montage, but here we are. Cruising through history seeing Wolverine fighting in the Civil War, WWI, WWII, and Vietnam. I'll bet they can file one heck of a PTSD claim, if nothing else.

Montage is over and Wolverine and his brother -- who has the same ability -- are part of a special unit on a special plane with some special people doing special things for a special secret government organization. I am guessing something special is about to happen.

I was wrong. They flew to Nigeria. And unless they are there to get the millions coming to them from the Nigerian bank, nothing special happens in that country.

Emergency alert system?!?!? I just paid $4.99 for this movie and they interrupt it for a TEST of the Emergency Alert System?!??!?! Oh that is super. And now that the test is over, does it go back to my movie? Hell no. It went to Star Trek. This is going to get ugly...

On the phone with the ever-knowledgeable computer voice at Comcast Cable. They are telling me I can access the movie through my DVR.... LIES!!! "No Listings Available" it says. Wait... we may have something here... "Error Retrieving Data." Of course there was. When has data ever been retrieved without error? We'll give this one more shot and then it's fire-setting time.

As hard as this is to believe, it didn't work. So with my Bic lighter in hand, I'm back on the phone with Comcast and currently jamming out to whatever passes for hold-music these days. Crazy kids and their rock music! Let's take this time to bet on what I get for a Customer Care Representative. It's a given that they will be someone for whom English is a second language, but there are a few choices within that realm. Will they be A) India/Paki-based, B) Spanish-based, or C) Ebonics-based. When in doubt, choose C on any multiple choice test, they always say.

They were... wait, the movie is back on! Regardless, I'm staying on hold just so I can find out who wins the bet.

The "special" team has infiltrated some building in Nigeria. Hopefully to get those millions they were promised in an email. Oh look, Wolverine developed a "conscience" and has a problem with genocide now. That's the problem with superheroes these days. They have no stomach for the really big projects.

So he moves to the Canadian Rockies to pursue his life-long dream of being...a lumberjack? Sure you betcha. At least he lives with a supermodel and he's not a carnie like this guy. Wait a second, that's Pippen from Lord Of The Rings. Or Mary. A hobbit, at any rate.

By the way if you didn't guess C on the bet, you all owe me money. Ha!

Wolverine is sharing sentimental moments with his hot girlfriend. I'd say that pretty much seals her fate within the next 5 to 10 minutes to be...oh it was much less than 5 minutes. Wolverine's brother is taking a keen interest in her. I think he likes her. Whoops, she must have fallen down. Or maybe she's just tired and wanted to take a nap. Blood loss will do that to a person.

Of course they fight, and of course Wolverine gets hit by a semi-truck. Just another day at the office for a mutant. And of course this leads to Wolverine getting his super-duper metal endo-skeleton. Oooh that's gotta hurt. I remember the last time the Army put indestructible metal onto all of my bones, it was no walk in the park. It's not as bad as sitting through an hour of the Rachel Maddow show, but it's pretty bad.

It was bad enough for the hero here to end up naked in a barn -- which is slightly better than in a van down by the river. But with some sage wisdom from an old man (and some free clothes courtesy of 1984), he takes off on the old man's Harley. I guess the old man didn't need it seeing as how he got blown up by the helicopter.

The Army is chasing him with what must be the fastest Humvees ever built. I've personally never seen one that can go over fifty, but they have three or four that can out-run a motorcycle. This really is a special unit. Quick question: has there ever been an action movie made without the main character walking in slow motion away from a fiery explosion? If you can name three I'll give you my Durango.

Working towards the big, climactic finish now (there wasn't much to blog while they tried to develop plot-lines), which is taking place on 3-Mile Island.

Mutants flying, sprawling, generally doing mutant things... It's an orgy of special effects. With the result being, of course, the reason why 3-Mile Island blew up. How convenient.

I'll save you the craptastically boring details of the ending. Don't you just love it how prequels try to tie everything together for you at about a third grade level? We get it. These are the same characters from the other movies. But no, they have to beat us over the head with an attempt at being "clever."

Overall a decent movie, and probably the best out of the X-Men series. I'm sure the ladies love it because Hugh Jackman is on the screen for 98% of the film. I'm guessing he had that in his contract. Like the other X-Men movies it's great for some mindless entertainment, or as a more intelligent alternative to Keith Olbermann. I wouldn't suggest running out and renting it, but it's not bad for a slow Friday night, either.

If Ever There Were Any Doubt...

...about the validity and relevance of the Nobel Peace Prize.... Well, check the news today.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

ZOMBIES! (Live-blogging 28 Weeks Later)

Ok, so I have seen the first 20 minutes of this movie three times. We started watching it in Iraq and every time we did, somehow it was interrupted by something so vastly important that it took us away from what I am continually told is an entertaining zombie flick. With the luck I've had, I expect my apartment to catch on fire about twenty minutes from now, seeing as how I just started it...

Well, the beginning starts off with some people boarded up in some cottage (that's what these snooty British people call a "shack" don't ya know) and... zombies attack them. Well, not "zombies" per se -- they have the "rage virus" -- but basically, they are zombies. And are they ever ragey. Full of rage, they are. Biting, clawing, running... they are fast. And do these Limeys have even so much as a shotgun? Nope. Why would they? They are hiding from people who have become raging mutants intent on consuming human flesh, why on earth would they need firearms? Why, doesn't the British government take care of all problems that guns could solve?

It looks like the main character bailed on his own wife and some small kid. Left them to be lunch. Maybe he wanted a divorce, anyway? Who are we to judge, really. Have you ever been left with a choice of fighting zombies with your hands or leaving your wife? Then stop pointing fingers, smartie pants.

Fast forward to 28 weeks later (whoa! That's where they got the title!), American military forces have quarantined mainland Britain and are pulling security while they rebuild. Hmm, I hope they are better at this rebuilding game than certain Middle Eastern countries I have recently visited. Either way, the Americans have guns. Lots of guns. That's what we do. No one ever sees Americans show up to a crisis and then says "Aww, they should have brought more guns."

Heh, the American forces are still wearing full protective equipment. Would you need a bullet-proof, Kevlar vest and helmet if zombies are the number one threat? Hmmm... No matter, it's the Army! We know how to make even the coolest of apocalyptic scenarios painfully lame.

The main character is back, and he is being reunited with his kids. The kid who became a Happy Meal earlier in the movie wasn't his; these kids were...somewhere. Away. They were away. And that's all you need to know. One is a girl, about 14, and one is a...boy? Yeah, we'll go with a boy of about 10. A really wimpy looking boy with long hair. Now there is a female Army officer who is some sort of medical "authority" complaining about...something. The kids. I would complain about kids too, in this situation. You know they are going to slow you down when running from zombies, they can't shoot (they're British kids. If they were American kids there would be a strong possibility of them knowing the ins and outs of a Glock, at least), and they whine a lot when they're hungry or have to pee. Basically a huge liability in a zombie Apocalypse.

In addition, kids ask things like they are asking now in the movie like "what happened to mom?" Well, he could tell you the truth -- that he sacrificed her to save his own skin -- or he could do what he's doing now and say that he fought gallantly until she was "bitten." What are the odds that Mom is going to show up later as a special, hybrid revenge-zombie? I say strong to highly likely.

Here we go, American sniper teams on roof-tops spying on people. Only a matter of time before the...oh, there it is. The gratuitous sex scene. That's what sniper scopes are made for! Oh and also for checking out the American doctor, who is obviously going to be of some importance because she is "wondering" what they will do if the virus comes back. I wonder, too. But for now, I'm sure everything is fine. So fine, in fact, that the kids will assuredly run into nothing harmful at all on their little "foray" out of the quarantined zone. Who saw this coming? Kids, getting into mischief? Never! And on a moped, even!

The kids are now exploring their old house and I have officially made it further than I have on the previous three occasions trying to watch this movie. And... the apartment is not on fire. Sweet! Ok, so back to the movie...whoa. Mom is back already! And alive! Sorta...maybe... ooh she is trying hard to control the zombie urge to eat the boy. But they have Mom in the decontamination chamber now, giving her one of those cool showers where instead of soap they use steel wool.

They dropped the bomb on the main guy that his wife is still alive. The kids are slightly peeved at Dad 'cause, well...'cause he just told them last night that he watched her die. Oooh boy, talk about awkward... And so what does he do when he goes to see her? He kisses her. Genius. You are a bright one. Of course she's carrying the virus. Now he is...slightly upset. And a zombie. So of course the only logical solution is to eat her. Which he does. And then claws her eyes out and goes on a zombie rampage. Are you following this? I hope so 'cause it's really complex. I mean the plot-lines are running deep, man. Deep.

Code red. That's where we're at. You heard it right -- code red. When the Army goes to that level, things happen. Things like...zombies going crazy and eating people and not a single shot has been fired yet. Man, I swear, put me in the zombie Apocalypse and I will, if all else fails, let bullets fly. Oh and the Dad is back, clawing more eyes out and turning other people into zombies. This guy is nothing if not productive. More than I can say for the Army. He's turned about ten or so people into zombies and the soldiers are busy doing a rape awareness class.

Pure pandemonium, now. Tearing and eating of flesh, people screaming... this is like a Hannah Montana concert. At least the snipers are engaged. They're the only ones shooting so far. And shooting they are. Bless their hearts. Elevated positions with scoped, semi-automatic weapons brings nothing but good things, really.

The main sniper has now hooked up with, you guessed it, the kids and the hot doctor he was spying on earlier. They have to escape the area because F-16s are fire-bombing the whole quarantined zone. See, now that is how to take care of zombies. Ominous music aside, I see this as a win for the good guys. Sure, some non-zombies probably got cooked, but that's kinda how the Army works. Finesse isn't one of the paragraphs in an OPORD.

The movie has slowed down a bit, so I would like to take this time to tell you that I watched Zombieland yesterday and highly recommend it for your viewing pleasure. I would write a full review, but honestly this is more fun and I don't think there is much point. Woody Harrelson plus zombies equals a good time.

Back to the movie, in one of the coolest zombie-kills I've ever seen, a helicopter just tipped it's rotors down into a whole group of zombies and made mince-meat out of about 30 of them. I think that qualifies as "zombie kill of the week" for sure. The sniper is toast. Literally. So my theory that he would hook up with the doc is shot. What can I say, I'm out of practice for watching movies. I'm having a tough time following the intricate nature of story development that our cultural and moral superiors in Hollywood develop throughout the course of a movie. But what I am having a really hard time understanding is that why the doc, who is now the only one with night vision -- which is on top of her M4 -- is having the kids go in front of her in the dark. Here's a thought, lead the way and have them follow. Too late, the Dad is back and he just beat the doc to death with her own M4. Which, sadly... is about the level of competence most soldiers display with their personal weapon.

In a not-so-surprising twist, the girl just capped her dad with the M4. Of course not until after he had bitten the boy. Who has the special "immunity gene." I have that, too, but it only applies to when I talk to crazy liberals.

And all live happily ever-after with the boy and girl being flown over the Cliffs of Dover to safety on an Army helicopter. Except that now there are zombies in Paris. But really, if there were zombies in Paris, would you be able to tell?

Until next time...