Did you know that being married is like being nibbled to death by a duck?

Saturday, October 03, 2009

ZOMBIES! (Live-blogging 28 Weeks Later)

Ok, so I have seen the first 20 minutes of this movie three times. We started watching it in Iraq and every time we did, somehow it was interrupted by something so vastly important that it took us away from what I am continually told is an entertaining zombie flick. With the luck I've had, I expect my apartment to catch on fire about twenty minutes from now, seeing as how I just started it...

Well, the beginning starts off with some people boarded up in some cottage (that's what these snooty British people call a "shack" don't ya know) and... zombies attack them. Well, not "zombies" per se -- they have the "rage virus" -- but basically, they are zombies. And are they ever ragey. Full of rage, they are. Biting, clawing, running... they are fast. And do these Limeys have even so much as a shotgun? Nope. Why would they? They are hiding from people who have become raging mutants intent on consuming human flesh, why on earth would they need firearms? Why, doesn't the British government take care of all problems that guns could solve?

It looks like the main character bailed on his own wife and some small kid. Left them to be lunch. Maybe he wanted a divorce, anyway? Who are we to judge, really. Have you ever been left with a choice of fighting zombies with your hands or leaving your wife? Then stop pointing fingers, smartie pants.

Fast forward to 28 weeks later (whoa! That's where they got the title!), American military forces have quarantined mainland Britain and are pulling security while they rebuild. Hmm, I hope they are better at this rebuilding game than certain Middle Eastern countries I have recently visited. Either way, the Americans have guns. Lots of guns. That's what we do. No one ever sees Americans show up to a crisis and then says "Aww, they should have brought more guns."

Heh, the American forces are still wearing full protective equipment. Would you need a bullet-proof, Kevlar vest and helmet if zombies are the number one threat? Hmmm... No matter, it's the Army! We know how to make even the coolest of apocalyptic scenarios painfully lame.

The main character is back, and he is being reunited with his kids. The kid who became a Happy Meal earlier in the movie wasn't his; these kids were...somewhere. Away. They were away. And that's all you need to know. One is a girl, about 14, and one is a...boy? Yeah, we'll go with a boy of about 10. A really wimpy looking boy with long hair. Now there is a female Army officer who is some sort of medical "authority" complaining about...something. The kids. I would complain about kids too, in this situation. You know they are going to slow you down when running from zombies, they can't shoot (they're British kids. If they were American kids there would be a strong possibility of them knowing the ins and outs of a Glock, at least), and they whine a lot when they're hungry or have to pee. Basically a huge liability in a zombie Apocalypse.

In addition, kids ask things like they are asking now in the movie like "what happened to mom?" Well, he could tell you the truth -- that he sacrificed her to save his own skin -- or he could do what he's doing now and say that he fought gallantly until she was "bitten." What are the odds that Mom is going to show up later as a special, hybrid revenge-zombie? I say strong to highly likely.

Here we go, American sniper teams on roof-tops spying on people. Only a matter of time before the...oh, there it is. The gratuitous sex scene. That's what sniper scopes are made for! Oh and also for checking out the American doctor, who is obviously going to be of some importance because she is "wondering" what they will do if the virus comes back. I wonder, too. But for now, I'm sure everything is fine. So fine, in fact, that the kids will assuredly run into nothing harmful at all on their little "foray" out of the quarantined zone. Who saw this coming? Kids, getting into mischief? Never! And on a moped, even!

The kids are now exploring their old house and I have officially made it further than I have on the previous three occasions trying to watch this movie. And... the apartment is not on fire. Sweet! Ok, so back to the movie...whoa. Mom is back already! And alive! Sorta...maybe... ooh she is trying hard to control the zombie urge to eat the boy. But they have Mom in the decontamination chamber now, giving her one of those cool showers where instead of soap they use steel wool.

They dropped the bomb on the main guy that his wife is still alive. The kids are slightly peeved at Dad 'cause, well...'cause he just told them last night that he watched her die. Oooh boy, talk about awkward... And so what does he do when he goes to see her? He kisses her. Genius. You are a bright one. Of course she's carrying the virus. Now he is...slightly upset. And a zombie. So of course the only logical solution is to eat her. Which he does. And then claws her eyes out and goes on a zombie rampage. Are you following this? I hope so 'cause it's really complex. I mean the plot-lines are running deep, man. Deep.

Code red. That's where we're at. You heard it right -- code red. When the Army goes to that level, things happen. Things like...zombies going crazy and eating people and not a single shot has been fired yet. Man, I swear, put me in the zombie Apocalypse and I will, if all else fails, let bullets fly. Oh and the Dad is back, clawing more eyes out and turning other people into zombies. This guy is nothing if not productive. More than I can say for the Army. He's turned about ten or so people into zombies and the soldiers are busy doing a rape awareness class.

Pure pandemonium, now. Tearing and eating of flesh, people screaming... this is like a Hannah Montana concert. At least the snipers are engaged. They're the only ones shooting so far. And shooting they are. Bless their hearts. Elevated positions with scoped, semi-automatic weapons brings nothing but good things, really.

The main sniper has now hooked up with, you guessed it, the kids and the hot doctor he was spying on earlier. They have to escape the area because F-16s are fire-bombing the whole quarantined zone. See, now that is how to take care of zombies. Ominous music aside, I see this as a win for the good guys. Sure, some non-zombies probably got cooked, but that's kinda how the Army works. Finesse isn't one of the paragraphs in an OPORD.

The movie has slowed down a bit, so I would like to take this time to tell you that I watched Zombieland yesterday and highly recommend it for your viewing pleasure. I would write a full review, but honestly this is more fun and I don't think there is much point. Woody Harrelson plus zombies equals a good time.

Back to the movie, in one of the coolest zombie-kills I've ever seen, a helicopter just tipped it's rotors down into a whole group of zombies and made mince-meat out of about 30 of them. I think that qualifies as "zombie kill of the week" for sure. The sniper is toast. Literally. So my theory that he would hook up with the doc is shot. What can I say, I'm out of practice for watching movies. I'm having a tough time following the intricate nature of story development that our cultural and moral superiors in Hollywood develop throughout the course of a movie. But what I am having a really hard time understanding is that why the doc, who is now the only one with night vision -- which is on top of her M4 -- is having the kids go in front of her in the dark. Here's a thought, lead the way and have them follow. Too late, the Dad is back and he just beat the doc to death with her own M4. Which, sadly... is about the level of competence most soldiers display with their personal weapon.

In a not-so-surprising twist, the girl just capped her dad with the M4. Of course not until after he had bitten the boy. Who has the special "immunity gene." I have that, too, but it only applies to when I talk to crazy liberals.

And all live happily ever-after with the boy and girl being flown over the Cliffs of Dover to safety on an Army helicopter. Except that now there are zombies in Paris. But really, if there were zombies in Paris, would you be able to tell?

Until next time...

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