Did you know that being married is like being nibbled to death by a duck?

Friday, October 09, 2009

X Men Wolverine: A Live-blogged Review

Why pay $4.99 when you can read a summarized, semi-coherent rant-version of the newest-to-DVD blockbuster right here at your favorite blog? Ok, second favorite. No? Give me something here, people. I'm struggling. It's the economy.

I'm anticipating this to have some hard to follow plot lines and deep story telling, so be prepared to keep up. I'm not waiting for you.

We begin our story in the year 1840...something. Great, I'm already lost. Wolverine is a little kid and sprouting claws out of his hands already. And who does he use his newly acquired tools on first? His father, of course. I'm sure that won't cause any psychological issues down the road.

Whoa, it's a little early in the film for a montage, but here we are. Cruising through history seeing Wolverine fighting in the Civil War, WWI, WWII, and Vietnam. I'll bet they can file one heck of a PTSD claim, if nothing else.

Montage is over and Wolverine and his brother -- who has the same ability -- are part of a special unit on a special plane with some special people doing special things for a special secret government organization. I am guessing something special is about to happen.

I was wrong. They flew to Nigeria. And unless they are there to get the millions coming to them from the Nigerian bank, nothing special happens in that country.

Emergency alert system?!?!? I just paid $4.99 for this movie and they interrupt it for a TEST of the Emergency Alert System?!??!?! Oh that is super. And now that the test is over, does it go back to my movie? Hell no. It went to Star Trek. This is going to get ugly...

On the phone with the ever-knowledgeable computer voice at Comcast Cable. They are telling me I can access the movie through my DVR.... LIES!!! "No Listings Available" it says. Wait... we may have something here... "Error Retrieving Data." Of course there was. When has data ever been retrieved without error? We'll give this one more shot and then it's fire-setting time.

As hard as this is to believe, it didn't work. So with my Bic lighter in hand, I'm back on the phone with Comcast and currently jamming out to whatever passes for hold-music these days. Crazy kids and their rock music! Let's take this time to bet on what I get for a Customer Care Representative. It's a given that they will be someone for whom English is a second language, but there are a few choices within that realm. Will they be A) India/Paki-based, B) Spanish-based, or C) Ebonics-based. When in doubt, choose C on any multiple choice test, they always say.

They were... wait, the movie is back on! Regardless, I'm staying on hold just so I can find out who wins the bet.

The "special" team has infiltrated some building in Nigeria. Hopefully to get those millions they were promised in an email. Oh look, Wolverine developed a "conscience" and has a problem with genocide now. That's the problem with superheroes these days. They have no stomach for the really big projects.

So he moves to the Canadian Rockies to pursue his life-long dream of being...a lumberjack? Sure you betcha. At least he lives with a supermodel and he's not a carnie like this guy. Wait a second, that's Pippen from Lord Of The Rings. Or Mary. A hobbit, at any rate.

By the way if you didn't guess C on the bet, you all owe me money. Ha!

Wolverine is sharing sentimental moments with his hot girlfriend. I'd say that pretty much seals her fate within the next 5 to 10 minutes to be...oh it was much less than 5 minutes. Wolverine's brother is taking a keen interest in her. I think he likes her. Whoops, she must have fallen down. Or maybe she's just tired and wanted to take a nap. Blood loss will do that to a person.

Of course they fight, and of course Wolverine gets hit by a semi-truck. Just another day at the office for a mutant. And of course this leads to Wolverine getting his super-duper metal endo-skeleton. Oooh that's gotta hurt. I remember the last time the Army put indestructible metal onto all of my bones, it was no walk in the park. It's not as bad as sitting through an hour of the Rachel Maddow show, but it's pretty bad.

It was bad enough for the hero here to end up naked in a barn -- which is slightly better than in a van down by the river. But with some sage wisdom from an old man (and some free clothes courtesy of 1984), he takes off on the old man's Harley. I guess the old man didn't need it seeing as how he got blown up by the helicopter.

The Army is chasing him with what must be the fastest Humvees ever built. I've personally never seen one that can go over fifty, but they have three or four that can out-run a motorcycle. This really is a special unit. Quick question: has there ever been an action movie made without the main character walking in slow motion away from a fiery explosion? If you can name three I'll give you my Durango.

Working towards the big, climactic finish now (there wasn't much to blog while they tried to develop plot-lines), which is taking place on 3-Mile Island.

Mutants flying, sprawling, generally doing mutant things... It's an orgy of special effects. With the result being, of course, the reason why 3-Mile Island blew up. How convenient.

I'll save you the craptastically boring details of the ending. Don't you just love it how prequels try to tie everything together for you at about a third grade level? We get it. These are the same characters from the other movies. But no, they have to beat us over the head with an attempt at being "clever."

Overall a decent movie, and probably the best out of the X-Men series. I'm sure the ladies love it because Hugh Jackman is on the screen for 98% of the film. I'm guessing he had that in his contract. Like the other X-Men movies it's great for some mindless entertainment, or as a more intelligent alternative to Keith Olbermann. I wouldn't suggest running out and renting it, but it's not bad for a slow Friday night, either.

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