All You Need To Know About The Presidential Race

In these topsy-turvy times, it is tough to know where politics are headed, and whom shall be at the helm. That is why I am here; to offer up my vast insight into the presidential race and what each candidate can offer, why they offer it, whether or not it's realistic, and of course, can they pull it off. Oh, and also if they are gay.

So, let's take a look at who we have (for sake of balance, we'll keep the order completely random, thereby confusing the hell out of everyone reading).

Rudy Giuliani:

What's his deal? Something about being mayor of a big city out east during a catastrophe. I think he was a lawyer for the mob, too.

Can he win? Well, dropping out of the race certainly doesn't appear to have helped his chances, so we'll see how that strategy plays out for him.

Why he won't win: Historians will argue for years over the reasons why, but I assure you, look no further than that goofy lisp thing he has when he talks. That's just....weird.

John Edwards:

What's his deal? Beautiful hair, smooth skin, and a smile that could make any HMO concede defeat.

Can he win? Another case of using the bold, strategic move of dropping out before it's finished, Edwards has really gambled on this one. My guess is that he is using the classic "hard to get" move I perfected with my numerous love conquests. Always leave them wanting more.

Why he won't win: Simply put, he has too much leadership experience and it intimidates the hell out of people.

Fred Thompson:

What's his deal? Tallest of all the candidates, his physical presence and southern drawl make the ladies swoon. Plus his wife is the hottest of all the candidates' wives (including Hillary's).

Can he win? While choosing not to campaign may have a negative impact on his hopes, I believe that his work at controlling a terrorist situation from the tower in Die Hard 2 speaks for itself. Calm under pressure, thy name is Fred.

Why he won't win: Die Hard 2 was clearly the worst out of all four movies, and I felt basically robbed after seeing it.

Mike Huckaboob:

What's his deal? I don't know, but if you don't believe it, he will throw you into a pit of fire.

Can he win? Chuck Norris says he can, and apparently Chuck's tears cure cancer, so that's one heck of an endorsement.

Why he won't win: Declining popularity and a striking similarity to that pastor who got caught with the male hooker aside, his real downfall will be the Jews.

Barrack Obama:

What's his deal? Change! Hope! Dreams! Dreams about hope and change!! And Oprah!

Can he win? Not only believing in hope, but dreaming of it, and knowing that it can change the future, will enable us to hope and dream about what can be, what will be, and what should be. This change, which we have all hoped and dreamed of for so long, should be ours, not just for our sake, but also for the sake of our children. Dream it. Hope for it. Change it.

Why he won't win: If you find any substance in the above paragraph whatsoever, then explaining any further will be quite pointless. Racist.

Mitt Romney:

What's his deal? Mormon. Cult leader. Found golden tablets under a rock and moved his people to Salt Lake City where they could marry their sisters and no one would get mad.

Can he win? We all, secretly, want to elect Ward Cleaver as the leader of the free world.

Why he won't win: Regardless of impeccable morals, marrying one's sister seems to leave a bad taste in quite a few people's mouth. Who knew?

Hillary Clinton:

What's his deal? Hillary brings the most real-world experience to the table, as well as the most testosterone next to Fred Thompson.

Can he win? Could George Patton's wife won the Battle of the Bulge? Could Sherman's mistress have beaten the Confederates at Vicksburg? If you say no, you're a sexist bastard and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Why he won't win: Strong on nearly every issue, the only downfall of this "super-candidate" will be their undying loyalty to their values; holding strong to what they believe no matter what the media says. When it could possibly help to be strategic and play the political game, Hillary's undoing will come from following the path of truth, regardless of the outcome.

John McCain:

What's his deal? He hates gooks.

Can he win? Apparently Rambo thinks he can. I saw the new Rambo this week and, I have to tell you, that was the bloodiest movie I've ever seen. I mean they kill everybody. Women, children, pigs... Rambo then goes on a tear. He didn't want to, but dammit if they didn't pull him into it. And well, he is a killer. It's in his veins. It's what he was trained to do. They drew first blood, not him. He didn't ask for that war, they asked him. Then he goes back to his home in, wait a minute... Arizona! That's McCain's state! Man, this is tying in nicely.

Why he won't win: Ever seen one of your grandparents fly in to a spitting rage about how ignorant young people are? Now imagine four years of that.

Ron Paul:

What's his deal? Pure, un-diluted genius.

Can he win? Without question, Paul lays claim to the most stable, well educated, articulate supporters on the campaign trail. They will pick apart anyone who stands in his way with thought provoking, well planned arguments.

Why he will win: Google "Ron Paul debate" and be prepared to be humbled.



Well, there you have it for now. I will try to keep you updated as changes occur. Why, I'm not really sure. Spare 22 minutes of your time to watch this and tell me this isn't what we're facing.