Well it's been a good ride, folks. But I received an email last night which is, for lack of a better term, my golden ticket to a better life -- and a big goodbye to this crappy one!
Apparently the Central Bank of Nigeria is in possession of a $19.5 million inheritance which has been reserved for me and only me (and possibly the president of the bank). I know, I know, it sounded a little fishy to me at first, too. But take a look at how it is signed:
PROF. CHARLES SOLUDO.
GOVERNOR, CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA.
That's right, Officially Signed. And below that was a picture of him. In a suit! You don't fake stuff like that. You just don't.
But why me, you may be asking? Well my friends, the best explanation is that sometimes good things happen to good people, and sometimes great things happen to great people. You see, what it all comes down to is that I am better than you. And the great people of Nigeria recognize that, which is why they selected me. Rather than you. I know it stings, but use it as a learning experience. Maybe if you were stronger, faster, more attractive, or perhaps just...better than what you are, then they would have chosen you. But they didn't, as evidenced by the completely personal email addressed to me and explaining that I have been chosen. Above you. And everyone else in the whole world.
So try not to miss me too much. I'm off to Nigeria where fortune and glory awaits. So long, suckers!