To the tune of "Dirt Track Date" by Southern Culture on the Skids... don't ask.
Dear Marisa Miller,
Why do you hate the US Army? And, more specifically (and certainly more important), me?
I speak of course of the recent issue of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, 2009, and more importantly, your COMPLETE LACK OF PARTICIPATION IN SAID MAGAZINE. Seriously, what's the deal? I will tell you what my deal is: I'm a soldier currently serving in Iraq. I don't have much to look forward to besides emails from friends and family, coming home, and of course, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue which, apparently, you are too good for now.
Is it too much to ask for you to say "hey, you know what, I wasn't going to do SI's Swimsuit Issue this year, but by golly, that cool dude who I haven't met yet but I'm sure I would really like is still in Iraq, so I'm going to sacrifice for my country just like he does." Well, you wouldn't be sacrificing like I do, 'cause....well, you're hot and rolling around in waves in a bikini while I'm sucking up the brunt of a sand-storm, all while saving you from evil Russians and zombies and aliens, but you get my drift. Oh and also did I mention that I'm single-handedly protecting your freedom? Well, I am. It's just me out here between you and the Mongol hordes of Vikings (it's history. Look it up).
In conclusion, Ms. Miller, you owe it to your country, to the men in uniform (probably some women, too), to the very cause of freedom and, most importantly, you owe it to me to make up for this most egregious of errors concerning your career path. So, call your agent, pull some strings, do what you have to, but get into that bikini and start taking some pictures, pronto. The very freedom you take for granted is hanging on by a thread thinner than your bikini string already, don't make it worse by shucking your duty and saying "someone else can do it." Step up and take charge; show those younger models how it's done, and fight the good fight. Your country -- and I can't stress enough that by "country" I mean me because I am representing said country and literally winning this thing all by myself -- is depending on you. Being in the water with a bikini. Thank you.