Did you know that being married is like being nibbled to death by a duck?

Friday, September 28, 2007

Wicked Cool Mullets, Immigration, and Going Through Puberty

Where did I leave off before? Probably something to do with killing terrorists and hanging out with one of the many supermodels which frequently end up at my doorstep, I would guess. Either that or watching Knight Rider reruns in my Underroos and eating Cheetos. I can't remember, really.

What I do remember, however, is going home to Colorado for a break a few weeks ago to spend some time high ranking people in my command, er, family. After a weekend of complete debauchery (Mom & Dad are into some really, really weird stuff like "talking" and "eating dinner together." I won't even go into the whole "give presents to your sister for her birthday" nonsense that went on...) with them, I headed with Minja-boy and The Red Ryder herself to what could realistically be labeled the cultural event of a lifetime: the Pueblo, Colorado state fair. Let me begin by saying that if you for any reason thought that the Mullet was a hairstyle whose time had come and gone, you are sadly mistaken, pal. It is back and, by the looks of it, here to stay thanks in no small part to one man who, thankfully, completely understands not only the hairdo's fantastic staying power, but also its nearly mythical powers when worn properly: the locks flowing down to the middle of the back, neatly crimped, bleached, and moussed; accentuated perfectly with a tank top, tight jeans and high-top sneakers left untied. I'm not gay but dammit, I thought briefly about reconsidering for that fella. As I am sure you can understand.

Scarily, I had but only a few moments to recover from that Greek-god-like character before I witnessed yet another gem (and fine example of why state fairs are grossly underrated): A Mexican biker with a swastika head band. Uhh... what? Yeah, I'm still a little confused by the whole thing. Oh don't get me wrong, I really want to subscribe to whatever it is that this guy is selling. I'm guessing it's some pretty heavy, in-depth stuff requiring a hefty chunk of brain power to fully appreciate, so it may be something that will take a while to understand. I mean, just figuring out the logistics of kicking all the Jews out of Mexico would be, well... you know. Hard. Really.

And I have to be honest with you, after describing that state fair, the rest of my week at home will seem pretty weak by comparison. I dug some post-holes and we built horse stalls. See? No mullets or walking oxymorons anywhere in that tale. Sheesh.

It was a wonderful time, however, and I am always grateful to be able to spend time with those close to my heart. Plus they pretend to like me, which boosts my already ridiculously large ego to epic proportions. Which is kinda cool.

Now I am back in Texas doing the whole take-the-illegals-back-to-where-they-came-from thing. Well, not right now I'm not. Actually I just finished watching Jenna Bush being interviewed by Dianne Sawyer on TV. Pretty interesting, even though she's not even the hot one. Bring out Barbara, dang nabbit! I think she would totally dig me. Especially since I lost my voice from some sort of Central American SARS thing. Presidential daughters dig guys who sound like they are going through puberty, right? RIGHT?!?!

Anyway, things are going smoothly, even with the occasional hiccup. The boss came down to fly with us for a week and by Thursday three guys had been fired. Well that would be fine and dandy except that we only have 13 people on the team. Crimeny. We joked with him and told him that if he stays another week, there will only be about four people on the plane staring at each other and wondering who's next. I know that I would be one of the last to go due to my ever-increasing Spanish vocabulary. Today I learned how to say the word "sandwich" in the foreign tongue. Are you ready for this? Here goes: sandwich. Get that? Need me to repeat it? It's a lot to take in, and obviously I'm not learning anymore today (or the rest of the week, for that matter. It's friggin' Friday, for cryin' out loud!), so go ahead and call that your lesson. I'll be back on Monday with the next one.

And I would also like to reiterate that I just watched the whole interview with Jenna Bush and only saw her sister, like, twice. What a rip-off.


Jason said...

What are you talking about!

Jenna is the hot one!! She just looks the the ultimate party girl.

One Legged Assassinator said...

Barbara Bush, eh? Well, I'll give you that one despite the fact that she has a really bad name (thanks grandma.) But I have a feeling that someone you know could set-up a little quality time with her.

Mr. Twisted said...

Jason, even though the 25-year Secret Service vet that I work with agrees with you, I'm sticking to my guns. Barbara is the one.

OLA: You know what? I have no problem with that name; sure it's not as cool as something like "Viper" or "Goose," but I can get along ok with a Barbara.

Anonymous said...

You didn't have SARS; it was more like the "Mutant TB Flu With Dengue Undertones". And I thought you had a pretty sexy rasp going, even if you are going through puberty.