Did you know that being married is like being nibbled to death by a duck?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Alien vs Predator II (Aka the Culmination of My Being)

Do you have any idea of the full-fledged awesomeness that I am about to partake in? If you are like me, then of course you do, and are completely jealous of the fact that, at 9:06 a.m., I am sitting down to watch Alien vs. Predator: Requiem while still in my shorts and t-shirt (pants are way overrated). If, on the other hand, you are not like me and you have no idea what this movie is all about, I think that you should probably be banned. And no, I don't just mean from this blog; I'm talking about life and all of its pleasures, as well. Suck it up, loser. You just don't match up.

Ok, I just hit play, so this could get pretty wild real fast. Do your best to keep up, 'cause I'm not waiting for you. These plot lines are bound to be thick and twisted, so if you have a headache or something, it's probably best that you just sit this one out.

The movie starts where the last one left off, with the Predator guys in their spaceship and an Alien popping out of the chest of a Predator that died. It also appears that they have kept a lot of live "sample" aliens for future use. I'm sure that won't come back to haunt them. The ship crashes back to earth where a guy and his son are deer hunting in the woods. Oh they are gonners for sure. Yup, the dad just lost an arm from acid Alien blood. Dude, didn't you see the movie? That stuff burns!

Now we see the sleepy mountain town nearby... oh super, it's in Colorado. First Red Dawn and now this. And people think I'm silly for stockpiling all these weapons and Cheerios. Oh good, it looks like the local law enforcement found the wreckage of the space ship. They'll know how to handle it. They always do. Small town cops are known for their awesome skills in action movies. Whoops. False alarm. The sheriff only found a bum in a sewer. My bad, the lighting in this movie sucks.

But we are introduced to what appears to be the hero of the story. How do I know? 'Cause he's a geeky kid who delivers pizza and gets beat up by the popular jock. These kids always end up as heroes. And get the girl. Which makes....no sense, whatsoever. Back in the woods, the guy who was hunting with his kid just up-chucked an Alien out of his chest. Whoa, so did his kid. That's not going to be easy to explain to Mom. Back in town we now see a woman who is coming back from...war? She is in Marine digital desert cammo fatigues, sporting a US Army patch, an American flag on the wrong shoulder... and she has some night vision goggles in her bag that her daughter is rummaging through. I have five or six sets myself, because the Army (or Marines...whatever) never keeps track of sensitive items like those.

Well the Aliens just found the bum and Sheriff in the sewer. LUNCH! But never fear, it looks like more Predators are on the way. The chief boot-knocka of all Predators just landed and he doesn't look happy. He is gearing up for some serious action. He could seriously use a training montage right now. That always helps.

The geek-hero is now down in the sewer with his older brother. Why? Because that's where people go in action movies. Duh. Back to the woods with a huge search party for the guy and his kid. Whoa, the Predator just found the bodies and dissolved them with some blue liquid and offed one of the deputies who saw him do it. And....now the deputy is strung up from a tree. The messed up part here is that no one is saying "hey, these bodies are just like the ones in that movie Predator with Arnold Schwarzenegger. We should watch out for chameleon-like alien creatures." They act like they've never seen the movie, but who hasn't?

Super-Predator and Alien-Predator hybrid just battled it out in the sewer system. Of course it spilled out into the streets, as these things usually do. Too bad for the waitress at the local diner. I bet she was a slut, anyway. I'm not going as far as saying she deserved it, but she looked like a girl who would definitely cheat on her boyfriend and feel justified in doing so. Hooker.

Geek-hero and the girl are going swimming at the local pool. She's showing a lot of skin, so I wouldn't be surprised if Jason from Friday the 13th shows up any minute. Meanwhile, the Alien/Predator battle has spilled over to the energy plant and shut the power off for the whole town. They really needed to think of an alternative energy source, anyway. That thing was just a giant pollution factory leading to global warming. Greedy, corporate fat-cats getting rich off of the earth's demise. That's why Predator is here; retribution for our selfish destruction of mother earth.

The whole town is on alert now; running, screaming, crying. There may even be some dancing, I'm not sure. The geek-hero, his older brother and the hot chick found their way to the sporting goods store and are loading up. And now the National Guard have arrived in what could be described as the fastest response time ever, but their effectiveness was just about on par with Hillary Clinton's ability to relate to the common man. In other words, their all dead. Apparently they never saw Aliens. Alien-Predator hybrid has found its way the maternity ward of the hospital. Suffice to say that it ended poorly for...well, everyone. Unless prospective parents actually wanted to raise an alien who's blood would melt your skin and it would kill you and lay eggs in your chest. Everyone wants something different these days.

The hero group found where the National Guard showed its lackluster ability and, in a nice twist, took the armored vehicle they showed up in. Usually the main characters aren't smart enough to actually take useful equipment. Yet, they are insisting on finding a helicopter. Why? Take the Stryker and drive into the mountains. Or to Las Vegas. Man that town is hoppin'. Always something to do. But no, they go to the hospital, where the Hybrid has set up a breeding lab for its next generation. Its probably doing stem-cell research, too. Oh, the horror.

Wow! In one of the coolest friendly fire incidents ever, the hot chick got caught in the crossfire of a giant Predator throwing star and pinned to a wall. And the geek-hero took an alien tail through the back a minute later! I didn't see that coming at all. He's still alive, though. And the ever-menacing Army general, watching from an AWACS bird, is preparing to wipe out the town.

No. Friggin'. Way. The older brother just told the rest of the group to "get to the chopper!" If he covers himself in mud and makes a bow and arrow out of tree roots, I am going to wet myself. Predator has taken notes from Indiana Jones and is now using a whip to decapitate his adversaries. Sweet.

After a battle to the death between Boot Knocka and Hybrid-boy, the entire town is wiped out via Nuke strike, but our heroes got out with helicopter (which I am calling BS on because it was a Huey, and those things can't out-run a 4-year old on a tricycle, let alone a nuclear explosion). Only to be taken in by some Force Recon Marines, who I had no idea worked in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. Shows what I know.

All in all, this was probably without a doubt the most complete movie I've seen in a long time. It really lacked for nothing: Guns? Check. Explosions? Check. Aliens using people as breeding machines? Double check. Hot chicks showing skin? I will say they could have made a lot better effort in this regard. I often got the feeling that they weren't even trying to throw in gratuitous nudity. That takes some serious credibility away from the movie itself, and drops at least one star from my rating. However, when considering a movie to put on while the rest of the world is at work and you are eating Fruit Loops in your pajamas, this ranks right near the top. Not the best in the series, but pretty darn good, none the less.

Stay tuned, as I think there is a new zombie movie out on DVD, as well.


Kell said...

1. Bout time you made with the funny. I think this means you only owe me (since I think I am your sole reader) about a thousand more funnies.

2. I am glad you are onboard with the eco-salvation of Mother Earth.

3. Thanks for the giggle. I will now be able to refrain from jabbing my eye out with a pen.

4. We are soooooooooooo watching this in pj's and eating LUCKY CHARMS- not that gay shit you like- when I grace Colorado with my presence.

5. So you watched this at 9:06 am... and I had to wait until 8:45ish pm (PST) to be able to read the post. What are you Spec. Ed? The movie ain’t that long.

Jonathan Scott said...

I liked that movie, too.

Listen, there are an ass ton of new zombie movies. I just finished a great one yesterday that involved a naked, female demon terrorizing students and turning them into zombies. Excellent stuff. Then I detoured from my usual fare and watched some movie about a girl at a catholic school who seduces her female teacher. That was pretty awesome.

Bri said...

You are a total geek.

Anonymous said...

OMG - I just wasted 3 minutes of my life reading this crap. Joy.